


Funny How Love Is

by grand_budapest_queen



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drug Use, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:53:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 103,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23542660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grand_budapest_queen/pseuds/grand_budapest_queen
Summary: Brian had considered the night he had spent with Freddie and Mary to be nothing more than a drunken slip up.The fact that said slip up left him yearning for his male friend was probably just payback for agreeing to it in the first place.
Relationships: (past) Brian May/ Mary Austin, Brian May/Freddie Mercury, Brian May/Freddie Mercury/Mary Austin (but only in chapter one), Mary Austin/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 68
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello folks,  
> hope you´ll enjoy my very first contribution to the Queen fandom.  
> The dynamic between Brian, Freddie and Mary was something I´ve been wanting to explore for a long time. Probably ever since I´ve read that before Freddie and Mary had started dating, Brian and Mary had been going out for a little while.  
> Still, the main ship (and endgoal) of this fic is Frian, so don´t you worry.
> 
> Enjoy!

Brian couldn´t blame this on the weed anymore, not even if he tried. 

Not even if he added the beers and shots to the equation that Roger had kept on pushing into his hand whenever he had seen him finishing his current drink.  
Brian didn´t remember much about the party in Freddie and Roger´s flat on that Saturday night in early April. 

There had been drinks and drugs in copious quantities, friends and acquaintances, people they knew and strangers joining them in the small apartment, drinking and dancing. It had been one of Roger´s spontaneous ideas that had quickly gotten out of hand.

To be fair, Brian had started to feel slightly weird an hour or so after Roger had offered one of those pills to him that everyone seemed to be nuts about these days. He had heard people at Uni raving about them, even some of his friends who usually swore by marihuana and refused to touch anything else. 

About thirty minutes or so later, Brian had felt like he was floating around the flat, far, far away from the loud music, the shrill laughter and much too noisy world around him. 

He had become slightly light-headed, looking for a place to sit down, and had found Mary and Freddie sitting on one of the shabby sofas near an open window, sharing a cigarette.  
He remembered sitting down next to her, her warm, naked thigh touching his clothed leg, as her skirt had hitched up over time and she hadn´t cared to pull it down yet. 

He remembered watching Freddie whisper something into her ear, a finger with black polish trailing down the hem of the neckline of her flowy blouse. Playful, tender and with an intimate sense of familiarity that had left Brian feeling a yearning to be touched in the same way.

Brian remembered Freddie sending a toothy grin his way when he had noticed his presence, offering the cigarette to him as well, which had made Brian feel even more out of it.

Maybe this had been the reason for him now being here…

In Freddie´s bedroom…

In the early hours of the morning…

No, nothing in this world could be to blame for his current situation, except for his absolute lack of…

“Fuck Brian…your fingers…”, Mary moaned against his lips, her breath hot, her skin smelling of a flowery perfume and sweet female sweat. 

He was pulled from his thoughts as her hand gripped tightly onto his shoulder, the tips of her fingers and nails digging into his skin, making him hiss.

In the dim light of Freddie´s bedside lamp that was covered with a slightly sheer red scarf, her cheeks glowed with the rosy tint of a flush.  
She withered underneath Brian´s touch, sighing and moaning. Her warm, wet was heat slick and pliant underneath Brian´s nervous fingers.

She was just as beautiful as back then, just as desirable and fun as when her and Brian had fooled around for a summer three years ago before she had started going out with Freddie.  
Brian´s head had been flooded with the images of those nights, hasty kisses at the bus stop after seeing a movie together, neither of them paying attention to the story much, because their hands and mouths had been too busy.

“I´m going to come…”, she moaned, lids heavy, mouth slightly open, her blondish hair flowing onto the pillows of Freddie´s bed like a cascade. 

He pressed his hips against her body from a side angle, a dull pressure on his erection, his pelvis pushing against her delicate hip while her left hand ghosted over his throbbing erection, her touch unfocused and much too light to be satisfying.

As his fingers sped up their pace, his gaze wandered from her naked body onto the person next to her in bed. 

Dark eyes lined in black kohl pencil looked up at him, a face framed by messy black waves, sharp cheekbones, sinful lips slightly agape, breath ghosting over Mary´s shoulder and hair.  
Freddie´s body was pressed flush against that of his girlfriend, her right hand wedged between them at an uncomfortable angle to touch her boyfriend as well.  
His lithe body was a stark contrast to her petite form, coarse, dark hair covering his chest and nether regions, his skin a bronze tone against her pale female body. 

Freddie´s gaze burned into his, seemed to touch him right down to the core. 

Brian tried to look away, but he couldn´t.

He shuddered, felt the ache in his loins grow as confusion and shame washed over him.

A flush spread up his chest and neck. He pressed closer to her body, started rubbing himself harder against her naked skin, creating delicious friction.

What was he doing? 

Brian felt himself in need of a proper pinch to the arm, something to wake him up from this drug fuelled fever dream of a Saturday night at Roger and Freddie´s flat.

Not looking away for one second, Freddie let his hands roam over Mary´s bosom, teasing her nipples with his fingers, making her moan.  
Still, he was looking at Brian, kissing and licking the peachy-soft skin on his girlfriend´s shoulder, groaning low in his throat as her hand on his prick picked up her pace again. 

How had this happened? 

Why was he simply unable to look away from his friend to concentrate on the women´s body right in front of him? 

“Fuck…”, Freddie cursed breathlessly, and the darkness of his black eyes seemed to swallow Brian whole. His lashes fluttered, as his breaths became as laboured as those of his girlfriend.  
Brian pressed closer to Mary, his own hand closing around his member without giving it much thought. 

His fogged brain seemed to zoom in on the scene in front of him like the lens of an expensive camera. 

Droplets of sweat running down Freddie´s neck and soaking streaks of raven black hair.  
His chest rising and falling, his ribs pressed against the skin spanning over his hairy chest, visible under his dark chest hair.  
A vein on his hip, blue and bulging. Brian almost believed he could see it pulsing under the blood flow.

Brian´s eyes found those of his friend again, pupils blown wide, eyeliner slightly smudged and so very, very beautiful, as he threw back his head and came with a soft, almost shy sigh, his hand clinging onto his girlfriend´s hip.

A rush of heat came over Brian, his body trembling. He tried holding it back, but it was too late.  
He came with a low, muffled groan, spilling onto Mary´s naked body and the sheets.

This seemed to set Mary off as well, even though Brian felt so numb that his fingers were working on autopilot.

He could feel her walls clenching around his digits, heard her breathy cries as she reached completion.  
She leaned back against Freddie, breathing hard and fast, eyes closes and lost in her own pleasure.

While she caught her breath, Freddie proceeded to kiss her neck, finally tearing his gaze away from Brian. 

“There you go, my darling…”, he murmured lovingly, caressing the shell of her ear with his lips and to his utter surprise, Brian felt himself wishing it was him enjoying Freddie´s tender touches.

“That was lovely, wasn´t it my dear?”, he whispered into her ear and she nodded, her eyes clouded with the soft afterglow of her pleasure, her body tired and soft against the pillows.

“Brian…”, she murmured, turning her attention towards him, her fingers stroking his sweaty chest.

There was a fond look in her blue eyes as she pressed a tired kiss to the corner of his mouth, a quiet thank you.

He was too drunk to be embarrassed, even though shame was lingering on the outskirts of his mind already as he let her cuddle up closer to him.  
A sudden heaviness befell him, drugs, alcohol and exhaustion clouding his mind, making his head spin. 

He suddenly was very, very tired.

The last thing he remembered was Mary´s warm slow breath ghosting over his throat and a hand, slightly wider and more masculine than hers, stroking his upper thigh in a sleepy fashion


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy easter, my little bunnies!  
> Here´s chapter two!  
> Stay safe, stay healthy and stay sane in these crazy times!
> 
> Enjoy!

The following week had been hell.  
Not only had his horrible hangover dragged on for the whole weekend, but he had been damned to exist in a constant state of gut-wrenching shame.

Brian couldn´t sleep.

He couldn´t eat. 

He couldn´t even focus on his essays and assigned readings for Uni. 

For evenings on end he found himself sitting on his desk, pen in hand, textbooks in front of him.  
But he wasn´t able to focus.

All he could think of were the snippets of the morning after that fateful night his brain tortured him with.

The sticky feeling of skin on skin, sweat and semen. The hammering headache and the urge to vomit, his stomach twisting and his mouth tasting of stale alcohol. 

The two bodies next to his, sleeping, peaceful in each other´s arms, slumbering, while the midday April sun was bathing them in pale light.  
Brian remembered looking down at Freddie, holding Mary in his arms, the two lovers so intimate, so close to each other that Brian felt like an intruder, a pervert who was spying on his friends.

A feeling of shame had risen in his chest, of disgust with himself, with his primal urges, as he had quietly slipped away and pulled on his clothes that lay strewn around the bed, having been discarded in a haste the night before.

The flat had been deadly quiet when Brian has stolen away like a thief, treading over empty bottles on the carpet and praying to not wake a sleeping and very sparsely dressed Roger from his slumber on the couch. His girlfriend, lying next to him, just as passed out as him, had moaned in her sleep and Brian had rushed out of the door and down the stairs into the street.

Once he had slept off the worst of his hangover, the guilt had started to wash over him with full force, swallowing him whole and making him feel utterly miserable. 

Still, there was a part of him which simply just couldn´t believe what had happened between his best friend, his girlfriend and him. 

For the rest of the weekend, Brian had pretended to not exist, but his laying low had been disturbed when Roger himself showed up on his doorstep come Thursday night.

“You got anything in? I´m starving!”, the Blonde said, after Brian had let him into the flat, hastily explaining to him that he really didn´t have much time because he had tons of course work to do.

Roger wolfed down on the cheese and pickle sandwich Brian had made, eating like a man who hadn´t had anything in days. 

“Are you guys out of money again?”, Brian asked him, sipping his tea and trying to sound unbothered and as normal as possible.

“Na, was just sick of spending another night getting ignored by Fred. He´s been behaving really weirdly these past days.”

“Oh…that´s odd”, Brian said sheepishly, pressing his upper lip against the rim of the mug, his eyes looking anywhere but Roger´s face.

His friend wiped mustard off of his chin and took a sip from his own mug of tea.

“Yeah man, he´s real quiet… All he does is sit in his room…says he´s doing work for his fashion course, lots of assignments he has to finish.”  
Roger took another bite and continued with a mouth full of sandwich.

“You know, that´s all fine but when I´m talking to him he doesn´t even listen properly.”  
“I asked him if he and Mary had a fight last weekend at the party. You know they were suddenly gone that night…”, Roger looked out of the small kitchen window, his forehead slightly wrinkled while he tried to remember. 

“Well…em did you notice anything on Sunday morning?”, Brian asked, smiling nervously, praying for his friend´s answer to be no.

“I was pretty drunk myself…don´t really know where they went or if they had a row…All I remember is that Mary was gone super quickly in the morning and Fred´s been quiet ever since.”

“Hmm…”, Brian said plainly. “Well you know Fred…He gets odd like that sometimes. Probably working on another one of his master pieces and planning on presenting it to us soon…one of his big reveals.”

“Yeah…probably…Although…” Roger stopped chewing, his brows furrowed in thought.

“I still can´t shake the feeling that it´s something that happened on Saturday night between him and Mary. She hasn´t been around since then and he´s barely left his room. You know how I always complain about how his stuff is everywhere and how he´s always hogging the couch. Gets me a bit worried to see him all quiet and withdrawn…It´s not like Fred.”

Brian felt even worse upon hearing Roger sound so worried about their mutual friend. 

Usually, he would have encouraged the Blonde to speak to Freddie or even offer his help in sorting out whatever was weighing down their mutual friend to see him being back to his old self again.  
But he stayed silent, while his head screamed at him. 

His actions were the reason his friend was feeling down. His greediness and drunken slip up were the cause of the problems Mary and Freddie were apparently facing in their relationship.

Roger seemed to dwell on the thought for a little longer, before he gave a little sigh and then shrugged. 

“Might try and have a chat with him before practice tomorrow. Maybe he really is just a little stressed out because of his course.”

Roger´s blue eyes focused back on Brian and a smile appeared on his features.

“Well anyways…How did you like Saturday? Had a good time?”, Roger was grinning at him.

“Yeah sure…”, Brian tried to sound convincing, even though his voice sounded odd to him. Very much like someone who desperately tried to cover something up.

“Didn´t see much of you either. Tell me you didn´t just sit around in some corner feeling sorry for yourself and not talking to anyone.”  
Roger raised his brows and took the last bite of his sandwich. 

“I did not! I talked to lots of people!”  
Brian put down his mug and crossed his arms in front of his slim chest.

“Any girls?”, Roger waggled his light brows and grinned.

“Yeah…quite a few actually!”, Brian found himself trying even harder to sound convincing.

Well, he wasn´t lying per se. He had talked to a particular girl…and a guy. Much more than just talked to them actually, even though Brian was anything but proud of it. 

“Well good…that´s quite the improvement I must say!”, Roger grinned at him in a slightly mocking tone and Brian rolled his eyes at him.

“You´re making it sound like I really am a hopeless case, Rog.”, Brian said with a raised brow and his friend chuckled. 

“I just want to make sure you´re having fun at these parties, Brimi.”, Roger said with an almost soft tone of voice.

“Couldn´t really enjoy them if I knew that you were standing around all by yourself not talking to anyone because you´re too shy.”

“Thanks Rog. But I think I´m getting better at this whole being-sociable-thing.”, Brian replied and his friend´s caring tone almost made him feel worse. 

For a horrible second Brian imagined the drummer knowing about the events of that night. 

Roger was no saint himself, sometimes going out with multiple girls at the same time, always bringing different flings home to the flat he shared with Freddie.  
But Brian was almost certain that Roger would have never ended up in his position, had he been in his place. 

“See you tomorrow, Bri.”, Roger said an hour later, when they were forced to leave the kitchen because Brian´s flatmate Harry and his girlfriend had decided the kitchen was a good place to bicker about who´s turn it was to do the washing up.

That night, Brian managed to sleep for a few hours, his exhausted body finally claiming some rest as his head sunk onto the pillow. 

He would have been thankful for it, had it not been for his dreams, visions of the night he had spent with Freddie and Mary.  
Moans echoed in his ears, while his own hands kept gliding over bodies, the curve of hips turning to the flat bony surface of a man´s chest within seconds. 

He was sweating, hearing whispers of his name, feeling himself being touched by one, two, three pairs of hands at the same time that tortured him with teasing touches. 

Blue eyes with long fair lashes turned into brown ones, lined in black kohl pencil. Nails with chipped black nail polish dug into his skin.

He kissed tanned skin, tasting the salt on it, let himself be pulled closer and closer into the embrace of the bodies and arms that surrounded him.

Shortly before his alarm rang, he woke up, breathless and painfully hard in his boxers. He sat up with a groan, hiding his face in his hands.  
Get it together, Brian!, he thought to himself, trying to simply will away his raging boner and failing miserably. 

His usually so agile and powerful mind was not helping him on that matter, constantly replaying the faint echo of his dream.

He let himself fall back into the clammy sheets, waiting for his heartbeat to slow down, letting the early morning breeze that came in from the slightly open window dry the sweat on his skin.  
Slowly, he felt himself calming down. 

He needed to go about this in a logical order and not let his emotions take over.  
Emotions?!

Brian furrowed his brows while he stared up at the ceiling of his room. 

Emotions other than shame and guilt over being a greedy perverted idiot who had somehow ended up getting it on with not only his mate´s girlfriend but also his mate?  
Heat travelled up Brian´s neck. Had Freddie and him gotten it on? Could what they had done be classified as a threesome?  
He wasn´t so sure. 

They hadn´t kissed or anything. Brian felt himself blushing even more at the thought of kissing Freddie. 

Yes, there had been touches, but with both of them touching Mary it had been inevitable that their hands would brush from time to time.  
But then there had been those longing gazes.  
They had looked at each other quite a bit.

Brian remembered his gaze being glued to Freddie´s eyes. The way his lashes would flutter, his lids half closed. The way his lips parted as he breathed hard. Sweat making his chest shimmer in the warm light. 

Brian groaned as he fought down the urge to touch himself.

He really wasn´t sure if he should feel even more ashamed about the fact that his thoughts only revolved around Freddie and he really hadn´t thought much about Mary at all.  
That was a good thing, right? It meant he wasn´t lusting after his mate´s girlfriend! 

It meant that all of this could be written off as a drunken mistake, just a meaningless slip-up.

Still Brian couldn´t shake off the thought that he had to talk to Freddie about this. At least make sure that he was okay. At least make sure that they were okay.

Brian almost jumped when his alarm clock went off with a shrill noise.  
He turned it off. It was 8 in the morning and he should get going or he would late for his 9 am lecture. 

Brian decided to take this day step by step. He would go to his classes and tonight after practice he would talk to Freddie and clear things up.  
He owed this to his mate and their friendship as well.

Talking to Freddie turned out much easier than Brian would have thought. 

It had been especially hard for him to focus on class during the day.  
Brian had found himself worrying so much about how he would even start a conversation like this with Freddie, that he was convinced he simply could not do it by the end of his classes. 

To make his day even worse, the sunny April day soon had turned into rainy, grey skies and when Brian was on his way to rehearsals, it was pouring down with rain.  
He had forgotten to take an umbrella and was getting considerably more soaked since he had missed his bus and was now walking the 30 minutes to their studio.

Their little make-shift studio, which they also used for rehearsals, was located in the cellar of a slightly run-down house with shops and was quite close to Roger and Freddie´s flat. In fact, Roger had found the place for them quite recently and they all were pretty glad to finally have a space to practice or simply hang out at.

When Brian had walked down the stairs to the door, he almost ran into John who was unpacking his beloved base guitar from its case.

The air inside the two rooms almost had a slightly mouldy smell to it and the wallpaper was peeling from some of the walls. One weekend, they had all combined their best efforts to make the place more homely, trying to fix the wallpaper and bringing in some furniture they had managed to get from friends and family. 

The results were two slightly shabby armchairs by the door Roger had gotten from his uncle, a few slightly mismatched and a bit weird-smelling rugs Freddie had found in his parent´s basement, a lamp Deaky had bought off one his friends from college and a very wonky set of shelves with bottles of alcohol on them that had fallen down more than once. 

The second room was quite bare and windowless, but it was perfect for practicing or even recording songs, even though their equipment was pretty rubbish and none of it sounded very great yet.

“Hey Deaky!”, Brian greeted him and felt his stomach flutter nervously when he saw a brown fur coat hang over the back of one of the armchairs by the small, dirty window. It was Freddie´s, which meant that he was there already.

“Oh hey Bri!”, Deaky greeted him with a smile. 

“Horrible weather…”, Brian murmured, as he took off his wet coat and hung it up over one of the chairs. “I hate rain…makes my hair go all frizzy.”

Deaky chuckled as he saw in which state his friend´s hair was. His usually already quite bouncy curls had turned into an unruly mess, the moisture making his hair appear slightly longer than when dry. 

“Maybe we could find you a towel somewhere so you could dry your hair. Don´t want you to get sick.”, he added and Brian felt his worries melt away for just a second.  
Only being a member of the band for a about a year, John was the most caring and sweet of them.

“Na, it´s alright. It´ll dry pretty quickly. But thanks, Deaks.”

Deaky gave him another smile and Brian went over to his guitar case to unpack his beloved Red Special and start tuning it before they would get going with practice.

It wasn´t much later that the door to their small studio room was opened and out came Freddie.

He was dressed in a black tunic-like shirt, dark satin pants, platform boots and his usual countless silver rings and necklaces. Eccentric and beautiful as always.  
His hair had also not been spared by the rain, making it appear much more curly than usual. 

Brian was hit with the vivid memory of Freddie´s hair curling with the moisture of a drop of sweat that ran down his temple while he panted softly and felt himself blushing before he had even greeted his friend. 

“Hi…”, Brian murmured, desperately trying not to lower his gaze and seem even more awkward.  
It was strange seeing Freddie again and even stranger knowing what his friend looked like under those fashionable clothes. Brian quickly pushed the thought away.

“Hello darlings!”, Freddie answered, giving them both a smile that was just a tad too enthusiastic.

“Hey Fred! Pretty weird for you to be on time! Where have you left Roger?”, Deaky asked with a slight smile. 

“Oh shush dear, I try to be on time as often as I can. Anyways, today it´s Roger being late. He wanted to pop over to some girl´s place…at least that´s what he said when I last saw him at our stall.”

Freddie and Roger were running a stall at Kensington market together and were usually running shifts on it on most days of the week, selling secondhand clothes and trying to make a little money they could use for the band.

Freddie walked further into the room and to Brian´s shock, he dared to look at him and even smiled.

“Oh, look at you, Bri. Your hair´s all wet. You look like a poodle! Deaky, don´t you think he does look like a poodle!”

John giggled and Brian felt himself blushing again, more so over the fact that Freddie was talking to him in such a normal fashion and didn´t seem to be nervous at all.

“Freddie, don´t be too hard on him. We´re giving him pain over his hair on any day of the week anyways.”, Deaky said, slinging his bass guitar over his shoulder and walking over to the next room.

“You´re right, Deaks. I´m sorry Brimi.”, Freddie looked at Brian with a confident and almost cheeky smile and then had the audacity to even wink at him.  
Brian was left scrambling for a witty comeback, while Freddie turned around and followed Deaky to the other room.

“Come on, let´s get started. Roger won´t be long…hopefully.”

Brian took his guitar and slung it over his shoulder, very much confused. On the one hand he was glad that things seemed to be pretty normal between them. No awkward silence, no telling glances. Just Freddie being his usual sassy self.

But then he asked himself why Freddie seemed so very unbothered by what had happened between them and Mary.  
Brian knew he should be glad about that fact that Freddie seemed to find it much easier than him to forget it all without feeling any shame or guilt. Still, there was a little voice inside his head that pushed him on to try and talk to Freddie. 

Hell, he couldn´t even remember how he had ended up in bed with him and Mary. 

He needed to talk to Freddie, clear things up. It had to be done. Better do it soon, than wait around for much longer, Brian thought. 

“What´s taking you so long, Bri? Come on!”, Freddie called him from the studio, impatient as always.

“Coming!”, Brian called over and joined his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings, hope you'll enjoy chapter three of my little Frian story.

They had gone to the pub after they were done with practising the songs they wanted to play at an upcoming gig in a pub in Kensington and had even been working on a new song idea Roger had told them about, once he had arrived at the studio considerably late.

“Alright lads, you can each get a pint on me. I´m in a good mood today!”, he had announced with a big grin and none of them had complained about their friend´s generosity, even though it meant that they had to listen to Roger describing his short visit at his current girlfriend´s place in great detail.

For a second Brian had thought about ditching his friends, excusing himself by simply saying that he needed to study for an upcoming exam or finish an essay.

But then he remembered the conversation he had had with Roger just this week.  
His friend would simply not allow him to leave and go home, probably thinking that it was Brian´s shyness talking again and dragging him into the pub by his curls if necessary.  
And the last thing he needed right now was a scene caused by a hyperactive, post-sex-happy, love-drunk Roger who just wanted to have a good time with his friends on a Friday night.

So Brian kept to Deaky from the moment they set foot into the pub, finding their little plan about adding a guitar riff to Roger´s song a welcome excuse to chat to John for most of the time. 

Being in the studio with Freddie had been one thing but Brian was scared of that moment when Roger and Deaky would get them drinks and he would be left alone with him, awkwardly standing there and desperately trying not to blush like a total idiot.

But it didn´t come to that. 

The conversation was pretty easy once they had all gotten their drinks and they were even joined by a few girls Roger and Freddie knew from god-knows-where. 

Maybe this wasn´t so bad after all, Brian thought. 

To an outside observer, nothing about this indicated that anything out of the ordinary had happened between them. Freddie was just as loud-mouthed, sassy and flirty with him as with any of his other bandmates. 

As the evening carried on and one pint turned into two and then three, he found himself pondering on the fact that Freddie seemed so completely unbothered by it all, while he awkwardly searched for words every time he was asked a question by anyone. His shyness was playing up again tonight and he felt very awkward.

Their little group had gotten bigger, tables were pushed together and people were laughing and chatting at an increasing volume. 

Even Deaky had ditched him after some time, getting to chat to a pretty brown haired girl named Veronica after she had asked him a few questions about this band thing he was now doing on top of his university studies. 

Brian´s eyes darted over to Freddie and Roger. They were laughing about something, a heartfelt, loud laugh, silly and wonderful and just utterly lovely. 

Freddie´s nose was scrunching up slightly, he was covering his mouth with his hand, his cheeks slightly flushed because he was probably tipsy. 

He was beautiful, Brian thought and suddenly felt not only very alone but also very dumb. 

Right at that moment Freddie opened his eyes and as if he had felt someone´s gaze on him, looked at Brian and smiled one of those kind, sweet Freddie-smiles.  
To his absolute horror, Brian felt heat rise in his cheeks and warmth spread in his chest. 

A fluttering feeling was manifesting right under his ribs and he felt like he might actually lose his mind if he didn´t get away right then and there.

“Brimi, what are you doing over there, sitting all by yourself? Come over, mate!”, Roger shouted over to him, grinning and waving, slightly uncoordinated due to being on his third pint himself.

“S-sorry…I´m just going to go…outside for a sec…”, his voice sounded mechanic and off in his ears as he rose from the table and rushed outside. 

“Is he alright?”, he heard someone, probably Roger, ask, but then the door closed behind him and he walked down the steps, taking deep breaths of the mild spring air. 

It was starting to get dark and the air smelled of the previous rain and the sweet blossoms of the nearby threes on the other side of the road. It was a lovely night, fresh air and pleasant temperatures.  
Brian leaned his back against the red brick wall behind him, trying to breath evenly.

It was only now that he noticed that the three pints he had had, were in fact going to his head.

But he was pretty sure that it wasn´t solely the alcohol that was making him feel all dizzy and miserable. 

If Brian was honest with himself, it was Freddie.  
Freddie and how he was laughing and talking and being his usual self as if nothing had happened. Freddie smiling at him, not the slightest bit awkward or weird, while he himself struggled to even form coherent sentences or thoughts around him out of sheer soul-crushing shame and utter confusion. 

How was Freddie dealing with this like it was nothing?! 

A sudden thought hit Brian, his heartbeat speeding up at it.  
Maybe this was something Mary and him just did? Maybe it was normal for them to invite other people into their bed? Maybe this really was no big deal to Freddie and Mary? Nothing out of the ordinary…  
Brian sighed, feeling even more like a complete idiot. 

Freddie probably thought of him as even more of an inexperienced nerd now. Someone who got all nervous and shy after him and his cool, open-minded girlfriend decided to just fool around with him a little.

Oh God, he´d probably told Roger about this. 

Maybe they were having a laugh right at this moment about how prude Brian was, how much of a boring, awkward guy he was, who quite frankly didn´t even properly fit with the band´s increasing lifestyle of sex, drugs and rock n´roll anymore.

Roger and his girlfriend were probably doing it too.  
Maybe they were doing it with Freddie and Mary. Maybe they were all just happily fucking each other and having a jolly old time while laughing about silly old Brian who had only had one proper girlfriend so far and still believed in true love.

“There you are, dearie. Thought you´d already gone home without saying goodbye properly.”

Brian hadn´t heard Freddie joining him outside, violently being pulled from his thoughts, even though his friend had spoken to him in his usual soft, slightly melodic voice. 

“Sorry darling, did I startle you? Shouldn´t have crept up on you like that.”, Freddie said, probably having noticed Brian´s slight jump when he had spoken to him. 

“No, it´s alright…I was just a bit lost in thought, that´s all…”, Brian answered, watching Freddie pull a squashed box of cigarettes and a lighter from the pocket of his tight satin trousers. He offered one to Brian, but the guitarist shook his head.

“No thank you…”

Freddie lit his cigarette and took a long drag before blowing out the smoke, slowly, as if he was trying to fill the silence between them with it.

“You know…I just needed a little break from the whole hustle and bustle in there…”, Freddie started blabbering, talking with his hands, the end of the cigarette glowing orange in the dim light. 

“I mean it´s lovely…meeting all these new people…Gosh, Roger knows so many girls, it´s mad…but you know…just a few minutes of peace and quiet…You know what I´m talking about, right Brimi? It can get a bit overwhelming…”

“Yeah em…I think I´m going to go home actually…”, Brian interrupted his friend, burying his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Oh…”, Freddie said and his voice sounded horribly quiet and flat to Brian´s ears.  
Almost as if he was sad about Brian leaving.

“Yeah…I´m…just a bit tired…Might study for a bit and then head off to bed…get an early night…”, Brian said, his gaze lowered, rather talking to his feet than to his friend.  
His favourite pair of beige clogs was getting quite worn actually. Maybe he should ask his parents for a new pair for his birthday. Maybe his nan would give him some money if he offered to mow her lawn a few times in summer…

“Brian?”

The guitarist looked up into his friend´s dark eyes. Worry was making them seem like an endless dark pit, pulling Brian in, tempting him to come closer, to lean in, to do anything but go home right now.

“Yeah?”, he answered, swallowing thickly.

“Can I…Can I come with you?”  
Freddie almost sounded shy, even though he did not avert his gaze. There was a certain air of vulnerability to him, a wall he had pulled down for Brian to see that he did in fact care and that he wasn´t about to just brush everything that had happened between them off like it had just been a silly game.

Brian cleared his throat, then he nodded slowly. 

“A-Alright…yeah, maybe we could…talk.”, he answered and the tightness in Freddie´s shoulders seemed to vanish.  
His friend seemed relieved, as if he had expected Brian to say no. 

“Yes…I think maybe we should, shouldn´t we darling?”, a nervous smile ghosted over his lips but there was an expression of familiar warmth in his eyes. 

At least they seemed to be on the same page about not ignoring this any longer.

“Yeah…”, Brian said and suddenly felt awkward again.

He gestured towards the entrance to the pub over his shoulder.  
“Should we…say goodbye to Rog and Deaky then?”

Brian actually hated the idea of going back inside just to announce that him and Freddie were leaving, quickly making up some sort of excuse or story, even though their bandmates probably could tell already that something was up.  
They had grown close enough in those past months to just be able to sense those things. 

“No, let´s not make a big scene. They won´t be pleased to hear we´re leaving anyways. Let´s just get going and…I´ll make something up when I get home later. They´ll be fine.”, Freddie said, flicking his cigarette to the ground and stepping on it with the heel of his black suede shoe.

Their bus journey back to Brian´s flat was almost silent, both of them too nervous and caught up in their own thoughts to make much small talk. 

When they got to the flat, Brian was glad to find that none of his two flatmates were in. 

“Would you like some tea?”, he asked Freddie, once they had taken off their shoes and coats. 

“Thank you darling, that would be lovely.”, Freddie said with a nervous smile and they made their way to the kitchen. 

For a while they were occupied with filling up the kettle, finding two cups that weren´t dirty or so chipped that they were almost broken and rummaging through the cupboards for the last two teabags.  
Freddie sat on one of the mismatched chairs on the kitchen table, smoking another cigarette and watching Brian make tea. The silence between them had turned from polite to thick, both of desperately waiting for the other to bring up the dreaded subject of what they actually had come to Brian´s place to talk about. 

Freddie put out his cigarette as Brian picked up both of the mugs filled with tea and a splash of milk.  
The guitarist nodded in the direction of his room and Freddie followed him with a slightly nervous smile. 

“Sorry, it´s not very tidy.”, Brian said as they entered his tiny, dark room. 

He actually felt slightly ashamed of the state his bedroom was in.  
He wasn´t usually a very messy person, but with uni deadlines creeping up on him and his recent lack of sleep, the place was far from organised. His desk was covered in papers, notebooks, books from the library he needed to return soon and empty cups of tea he had forgotten to wash up. 

One of the doors of his wardrobe was open, revealing his biggest shame, his sock drawer, most of them spilling out of it. 

His bed wasn´t made the sheets rumpled and messy, but Freddie didn´t seem to mind. He sat down on the blue and white stripped duvet, leaning against the black bedframe. His gaze wandered over Brian´s room and stopped at the acoustic guitar that leaned against Brian´s slightly wobbly nightstand, looking down at it almost lovingly. 

Brian knew what he was thinking about.

He remembered the countless days and nights they had spent together like this.  
Friday nights, waiting for Roger to join them so they could go out to drink, Brian finding something to wear and Freddie plucking at the strings of the guitar, sitting on Brian´s bed, trying to make up a small melody.  
Sunday afternoons, when Brian tried to study for upcoming exams, nose buried in his books, while Freddie had shown up somewhen around midday and brought Brian cups of tea and biscuits he had brought from lunch at his mum´s just because he was bored or annoyed with Roger.  
Saturday mornings after a night out, when Roger had taken home another girl and Freddie had been tired off trying to sleep through their moans, so he had just crashed on the lumpy mattress Brian stored away under his bed and pulled out onto the floor just for that occasion. 

Brian sat down next to Freddie, handing him his cup of tea, taking a sip of his own and then putting it down on the messy floor. 

The bed was so narrow that their elbows touched. Brian thought about putting on his record player, even though that made him feel like he was trying to hook up with a girl and was putting on a record to get her in the mood.

“Gosh, I´m so bloody tired…”, Freddie suddenly sighed and got more comfortable, putting down his mug ang actually lying down to rest his head on Brian´s pillow.  
Brian couldn´t help but smile. For all his occasional shyness, Freddie had become very comfortable with Brian over the last three years. Even their recent issues had apparently not changed that. 

“I think I´ve had a pint too many.”, Brian said, laying down himself. 

Freddie turned to his side, looking at Brian through the strands of his slightly overgrown fringe. 

“Are you drunk?”, he asked him, a smile hovering on his lips. “I can never tell with you. You can hide it so well. Much better than me and Rog…or Deaky…”

They both chuckled. John, being the youngest of them, had only recently started going out with them and usually got drunk pretty quickly. 

“Na, just a bit tipsy I guess…”, Brian answered, looking over at Freddie, his head resting on his arm.  
They smiled at each other, nervous and slightly drunk. 

Brian´s mind felt unfocused, but he still remembered his plan for the night. He had to know. 

“Fred…How did…How did we end up…you know…in bed…with Mary? I mean…how did I…? Why was I even…there?”

Freddie blinked at him, almost seeming a little shocked for a second. Then he smiled shyly, lowering his gaze while Brian´s drunken brain damned him to admire his friend´s long, dark lashes.

“Well…em…You see…I guess it was just…”, he cleared his throat nervously, giving his lips that quick little lick with his tongue like he always did when he trying to find the right words. 

“Did I…Fred did…”, Brian cringed at his next words. “Did I force myself onto you guys?”

“No! Darling, no!”, Freddie put a hand onto his upper arm to emphasize his message. The touch almost made the guitarist jump.

“No…it just…it just happened. I don´t really know, I was pretty pissed myself…and high as well actually. And I think it was the same for Mary.”  
Slowly, he pulled away his hand from Brian´s arm, almost seeming embarrassed that he had touched his friend.

“But…how did we even end up in your room?”, Brian asked, still feeling pretty clueless.

Freddie sighed, his eyes fluttering shut for a second as if he was trying to remember something that was buried down deep by alcohol and drug induced memory loss.

“I think…I wanted to show you guys something…Maybe a song I´d written…something like that. And then we all sat down on the bed…and the door was closed and…you know…”  
Freddie blushed visibly and Brian couldn´t help but admit to the fact that he liked the sight of it, the rosiness on his friend´s high cheek bones.

“But…how? I don´t get it? How did we end up like that if we just sat down on your bed?”, he pressed on.

“I don´t know, Brimi…I think those fucking pills Roger brought…They were messing me up…all of us actually.”, Freddie said, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes.  
They were quiet for a second and Brian felt the urgent need to set one thing straight.

“Freddie…I just…I want you to know that I don´t…I don´t fancy Mary. Yeah we went out a few years back and it was nice and all but I don´t…I don´t like her…in that way…you know.”  
He hated how much he stumbled over his words but he was very glad that it was out.

“A-Alright…well, that´s…that´s em…good.”, Freddie said, nodding awkwardly, clearing his throat.

“Yeah…I just don´t want you to think I´m lusting after your girlfriend.”, Brian laughed nervously, feeling himself blushing again.

Freddie licked his lower lip hastily, his eyes darting nervously from Brian to an unfocused point somewhere in the room.

“I think she…kinda…likes you…still”, he said finally and sounded as if he was very ashamed of his revelation.

Brian sighed, giving a little nod. He had suspected it for quite some time. Mary and him hadn´t ended things on bad terms. It more so had fizzled out into a casual friendship and mutual fondness as soon as she had become Freddie´s girlfriend. Still, Brian had always believed that they might have continued casually seeing each other, hadn´t Freddie expressed his interest in her.

“You know she was the one who…who kissed you first. I just…tagged along I guess.”, Freddie said, still not really looking at Brian.

Brian could have hit his forehead with his palm really hard upon hearing his friend´s words.

“Oh my god, I´m so fucking sorry. Gosh, this is all so bloody embarrassing.”  
Brian was struggling to even look Freddie in the eyes at this point, feeling more and more like a downright horrible friend.

“I´m such an idiot! Why did I…Why did I kiss her back? And why did I touch her like that? What the fuck was I thinking?!”

Brian saw an almost vulnerably shocked expression on his friend´s face as soon as he had uttered those words.

“Darling no, don´t…don´t feel like you did anything wrong…”, Freddie said, subconsciously inching closer to Brian.

“It´s alright, really… it is.”, he added quietly, but Brian would have none of it. 

“Alright?! Freddie, you don´t have to pretend that it´s okay. I kissed your girlfriend! I…I…fingered her…”, his last words didn´t come out without Brian flinching a little. It was one thing to shamefully recall the events of that night. But it was even worse to admit to them out loud.

“Jesus Brian man, I know…”, Freddie pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers. He seemed slightly unfortable upon hearing them as well.

“Sorry…sorry, I didn´t mean to…”  
Brian suddenly felt like it had been rude to be so up front about it.

“Yeah…I know, you didn´t…”, Freddie quickly said, sighing deeply and giving Brian a reassuring but slightly wobbly smile.

Brian was too ashamed to even talk for a few moments. Still, there was something burning under his nails.  
Maybe it was his academic career that had made him so prone to always asking questions, even if the answer to them would be anything but pleasant to hear.

“Fred…did you talk to her about this?”, he asked in a lowered voice.

“Kind of…”  
Freddie´s gaze didn´t meet the guitarist´s as he spoke.

“Kind of?!”, Brian furrowed his brows, turning slightly more to the side so he could get a better look at Freddie.  
The singer was nervously biting his lower lips with his front teeth. As he noticed the quizzical look the guitarist was giving him, he gave in.

“Well, I think she thought I´d be mad…at her. For kissing you and all that. But I wasn´t…I know it´s weird. I know I should be jealous…and angry as well. But I´m not…And that made her angry.”, Freddie recalled, meeting Brian´s gaze not without some hesitation.

“Come again?”, Brian asked, now even more confused than before.

“She´s angry at me for not caring that one of my best mates and my girlfriend made out with each other. And rightfully so I think.”, Freddie said slowly, leaning his head against the headboard behind him, giving a sigh.

He seemed frustrated, even though Brian couldn´t really tell if he was fed up with himself, Mary or the whole situation in general.  
“And then she asked me a bunch of questions.”, he added in a small murmur, looking up at the room´s ceiling and Brian´s slightly old-fashioned lamp that had hung in his parent´s kitchen before.

“What kinds of questions?”  
Brian found himself sounding almost careful as he spoke.

Freddie hesitated to answer, again chewing on his lower lip. When he spoke, he still didn´t dare to look at Brian.  
“Why I was looking at you the whole time…And why I looked at you when I came…And why you looked at me when you…”

Scorching, hot shame rose from the pit of Brian´s stomach, travelling up to his chest, making it feel tight. This was his worst nightmare come true.  
She had noticed. Mary had noticed and she had confronted Freddie about it. 

“Fuck…”  
It was uncharacteristic for Brian to swear, but in this case, there was no other word that came to his mind.

“Yeah…we had a proper fight over that whole business.”, Freddie looked over at Brian.  
There was a deep line of worry on his forehead. 

Even through the singer could have quite the temper when they got into arguments about song lyrics, guitar solos or other things concerning the band, Brian had never witnessed him being like that with his girlfriend.

With Mary, Brian had never seen Freddie being anything but a kind, loving and downright wonderful boyfriend. Patiently he listened to her go on about which girl at the store had been rude or mean to her, he took her out to the cinema, dancing or even for a nice dinner whenever he could afford it and often gave her the lovely dresses, coats and blouses he had made for his fashion course, starting the project again because she had said that she liked the look of one of them.

Brian knew how much Mary meant to the singer and how much he hated getting into arguments with her, even just over the smallest things.

“Well not just that business…other businesses as well…”, Freddie added, looking utterly miserable.  
The feeling of guilt was weighing heavily on Brian. 

“I´m sorry, Freddie…I really am.”, he knew that his words weren´t much of a comfort and whished that he could do more for his friend.  
Sadly, undoing what he had done in the past was not an option.

“No, it´s…it´s okay. “, Freddie murmured and then sighed heavily. “Well...it´s not, it was pretty nasty actually but…it´s em…yeah.”

Frantically, Brian searched his head for something he could say. Something that would be of advice, something that would help Freddie to believe that all would be well again in time.  
But he was part of the problem and this wasn´t as easy as a simple fight over who forgot to do the shopping for the week of who never tidied the flat.

“Brian…why did you look at me when you came?”

The guitarist flinched, when he heard Freddie speak to him again. When he looked at his friend, there was an urgent need for answers in his usually so very kind, brown eyes.  
Brian felt a flush creep up his cheeks. Freddie had always been someone to rather ask a question directly than keep quiet.

Still, the bluntness of the question was leaving Brian searching for words that wouldn´t give away his own utter confusion about the whole situation.

“Well, I could ask you the same thing.”, he replied, not meaning to sound as defensive as he did. 

They were quiet again, just looking at each other. 

Freddie leaned his head slightly to the side, as if he was debating on doing or saying something he wasn´t sure how Brian would react to.

The guitarist felt his heart beating fast, his hands felt clammy against his clothed leg.

“Can I try something?”, Freddie suddenly asked him and his voice was very soft and very quiet.  
Brian felt himself nodding, almost mechanically. 

“Promise me you´ll stop me, if you don´t like it, yeah Brimi?”, Freddie said, leaning in closer, supporting his weight on his elbow so he was hovering above Brian. 

“Yeah…”, Brian answered, his voice barely more than as whisper and then Freddie kissed him.

It was warm and wonderful, tender and sweet, awkward and still so very lovely at the same time. Brian wanted to bring his hand up to Freddie´s cheek but after a few blissful seconds, his friend pulled back, blinking shyly. 

“Sorry…”, the Persian whispered, his breath ghosting over Brian´s lips, his eyes full of fear.

“What are you saying sorry for?”, Brian asked him, his hazel eyes desperately searching his friend´s face for a sign of discomfort.

“Dot it again…please”, he added, resting his hand on Freddie´s bony shoulder, almost ready to pull him down again.

“Are you sure?”, his friend asked and to answer his question, it was Brian who kissed him this time.

Brian´s long nose was slightly in the way, Freddie´s front teeth bumped against his, but then he moved his head slightly to the left and it was perfect. 

Soft, lingering kisses soon turned into an even flow of giving and taking. Brian opened his lips to Freddie´s tongue and pulled him closer, more on top of him.

In the back of his mind, Brian had to admit to himself that kissing Mary a week prior hadn´t felt like this at all. Kissing any girl every hadn´t felt like this. This intense, this wonderful, this eye-opening.  
He was desperately trying not to think about the consequences of his epiphany.

Heat was rising in Brian´s cheeks, his hands now wandering onto Freddie´s neck, into his hair, down his spine, holding onto his slim upper arms. 

He moaned when Freddie pressed his body down flush against his, made room for Freddie´s narrow hips between his legs.

They kissed with a growing urgency, breathing heavier, bodies yearning to be closer and closer still, slowly starting to move against each other. 

Brian felt his hips pushing up against Freddie´s sinewy form, his slim legs trembling slightly. His jeans suddenly felt very, very tight and his head was getting dizzy.

The feeling was addictive. He did it again, this time pressing up his thigh against Freddie´s groin while subconsciously thrusting his own lower half against Freddie´s skinny leg.

“Ah fuck…stop…”, his friend groaned, ending the kiss, his heated cheek leaning against Brian´s own, streaks of his wispy black hair tickling Brian´s chin.

Freddie was breathing hard, his grip on Brian´s hips slightly reluctant.

“Sorry…sorry, Fred, I…”, Brian murmured, he himself struggling to catch his breath, suddenly slightly worried he had done something to upset his friend.

“No, it´s alright darling…”, Freddie murmured and lifted his head, looking down at Brian with gleaming dark eyes. His lips were red and slightly kiss-swollen, a shadow of a dark stubble on his chin and cheeks, his hair wild. Brian felt like he had never seen a more beautiful man.

“I´m just…”, he murmured, blushing even more as he pressed down his hips against Brian´s thigh again. 

Oh god, he was so very hard. Just as hard as Brian himself was.

“Yeah…me too…”, he answered. He felt like someone who was more experienced than him would have had a chuckle about this. Two blokes in their early twenties humping each other and making out like teenagers. 

Still, this felt heavy to Brian, meaningful and deep, even though Brian couldn´t really put his finger on why he thought so.

Maybe because Freddie was his friend, one of his best friends really. Maybe because it was Freddie who was making him feel these things. Maybe it was Freddie. Just Freddie.  
All he knew was that he didn´t want this to stop just yet. 

“Can we go on?”, he asked quietly and felt his heart beating so fast that it made his chest hurt.

“Yeah…if you want to…”, Freddie answered, his eyes huge and full of nervous lust.

“Do you want to?”, Brian asked him, putting a hand on Freddie´s slim hip, his fingers pressing against the thick black leather belt he was wearing.

“Yes darling…I´d love to…”, he whispered and pulled him into another kiss. 

They were less cautious with each other now, their inexperienced nervousness bordering on overstimulated bluntness. 

Clumsily, Brian tried to match the movements of Freddie´s hips, losing his focus every time Freddie made a breathy little sound in the back of his throat or licked into his mouth like he was dying to taste Brian.

Brian was growing restless, meeting Freddie´s movements with a growing urgency, feeling an all too familiar tightening low in the pit of his stomach.

They were barely even kissing anymore, mostly just sharing hot breath and suppressed moans.

Brian tried to hold himself back, but when Freddie pressed his lips against the pulse point on his neck and he could feel the tip of his tongue licking his salty skin as if he wanted to savour Brian´s essence, he came with a helpless yelp and a series of overwhelmed and embarrassingly loud moans.

Freddie followed shortly after him, shuddering and sighing on top of Brian, while his hips still ground down onto his thigh until he stilled with a small shaky breath and sunk down onto Brian´s slim chest. 

Brian felt like he was floating and he was hot, so very hot. His brain seemed to have lost all ability to form coherent thoughts and so he just stayed still, trying to catch his breath, eyes closed.  
Freddie rolled down next to him, laying on his side, an arm and a leg still flung over Brian´s body. 

Slowly Brian opened his eyes and looked at his friend. Their gazes met, shyly, cautiously, as if each of them was scared to reveal something by looking at the other for too long.

“That was quite lovely actually.”, Brian said quietly, still sounding slightly breathless.  
He felt ridiculous as soon as the words had left his mouth, prudish and awkward.

“Yeah, I thought so too.”, Freddie answered and to his great relieve, his words seemed genuine, a soft, warm expression in his dark eyes.

Freddie tightened the hold of his arm around Brian again, the guitarist´s hand on Freddie´s hip started to softly caress the bit of exposed skin on Freddie´s lower back where his tunic-style shirt had hitched up. He could feel the soft peach-fuzz on the skin. It felt lovely.

“You ever done this before…you know…with a bloke?”, Brian asked.  
He knew that his question might have been a little bold. Still, the atmosphere between them felt like a space for complete honesty.

“Em…yeah…yeah I have.”, Freddie mumbled and suddenly seemed slightly uncomfortable, averting his gaze and nervously licking his lower lip.

“Sorry, I shouldn´t have asked…it´s really isn´t my place to…”, Brian said but a smile appeared on Freddie´s face, honest but slightly bitter.

“It´s okay, darling. Just don´t…don´t tell anyone, yeah?”, there was a sudden urgency in his dark eyes, a genuine fear of having his secret exposed by his friend.

“Of course not, Freddie.”, Brian looked him in the eyes, trying to make him understand that he would never, could never betray him in such a way.

Still, he couldn´t help but admit to himself that his friend´s answer didn´t surprise him entirely. They had all had their suspicions with Freddie. At first, there might even have been prejudices against him and what they assumed him to be. 

But soon Freddie had won their hearts and become such a close friend to Roger and him that it didn´t matter anymore. Freddie was just being Freddie with his fabulous sense of fashion, slightly feminine way of talking and his habit of calling everyone “dear” and “darling”.

“Thank you, Bri.”, Freddie whispered, but his gaze was becoming unfocused. Brian could feel him slipping away.

“You know you can stay…if you like…”, Brian said. He felt vulnerably and slightly silly for even offering it. Still, the idea of having Freddie stay with him for the night, sharing Brian´s small bed all snuggled up against each other filled him with a strange sense of comfort. 

But Freddie seemed to have other plans.

“Oh well em…that´s very kind of you…really…but…I think I´d best head home.”

Brian felt awkward as they untangled their limbs from each other. Suddenly all closeness between them was gone, replaced by an odd sense of distance between them. 

“Yeah…em, right…”, Brian murmured, feeling stupid for even proposing it. 

The singer pulled a face as he sat up, seeming slightly uncomfortable and wiggling about in his tight trousers. It was only then that Brian noticed the uncomfortably damp patch in the crotch of his own jeans, a slight shiver running down his spine. 

Freddie was probably glad for that fact that he was wearing dark pants and that his long coat would cover his crotch area when he would go outside.

“Roger´s probably already wondering we´re I´ve been.”, he said with a slightly nervous chuckle and Brian nodded, stiffly getting up from the bed as well.

When Brian had walked Freddie over to the door, he didn´t really know if their usual short hug would be appropriate, but after Freddie had put on his shoes and jacket, he almost seemed eager to get out of the door. 

“Alright…em…see you around, yeah?”, the Persian murmured, not even looking at Brian, one foot on the threshold already. 

“See you, Freddie. Take care, yeah?”, Brian answered. The cold from the stairwell crept into the hallway through the open door and he shivered. He didn´t know why, but he suddenly felt very lonely, even though Freddie was still there with him.

“Yeah em…thank you for…you know…”, Freddie added, even though he looked like he didn´t really know what he was thanking Brian for. 

“No em…no problem, Fred…”

“Bye darling…Good night…”

Brian had listened to Freddie´s quick steps echoing on the staircase and the door falling shut behind him. 

Only when he had closed the flat´s door and gone back to his room, the full effect of what had just happened between them kicked in.  
They hadn´t exactly cleared things up by having this little talk. They had made matters a thousand times more complicated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings, 
> 
> sorry that this chapter is a day late. Hope I can make it up to you, since it is quite a long one.  
> Things are not getting much easier for out boys, although they finally have a good old chat about it all.
> 
> Enjoy!

Even though Brian had expected to be equally as sleepless as the week before, his body seemed to now have decided that sleep was his only coping mechanism.

A sudden tiredness had hit him hard after Freddie had left and in an entirely uncharacteristic fashion, Brian had simply stripped off his clothes from the day, leaving them in a messy, sweaty heap on the floor, while he himself crawled under the sheets naked and fell asleep.

He had been glad about it. 

The lack of spiralling thoughts, of guilt and questions about what was to come and what the consequences of his actions were, was very welcome.  
The downside of it had come to Brian just as quickly.

Even though it had been nice to fall asleep without pondering on everything for hours, his dreams had tortured him with snippets of what had happened in the very bed he slept in only hours ago.  
It didn´t really help that he awoke the next morning, feeling the soft and still of Freddie smelling sheets on his naked skin while his head replayed the delicate moan that had sprung from Freddie´s lips when he had come. 

Even worse, sleep seemed to bring no relaxation to him.

In the following days he woke up just as tired as he had gone to bed the night before, his pyjama pants soiled and his mind filled with images that left him short of breath and blushing.  
Whenever he tried to study or do work for his courses, he felt his mind drifting away from the pages, bombarding him with questions.

How did his drug-fuelled fooling around with his best friend and said best friend´s girlfriend turn into him fantasizing about Freddie and what the two of them had done with each other?  
He just couldn´t help it.

Whenever he had woken up with a raging boner, he really had tried to think of a woman, any woman really. 

The problem was that Brian wasn´t someone to fantasize about being intimate with someone. He usually just enjoyed the touches of his hand, letting his mind wander into comfortable numbness.  
Not even the magazine a friend from Uni had once given him for his birthday as a joke did help. Brian found himself staring at the full breasts of the model on the page, her plush lips and lovely hips while his hand tried to get rid of his morning wood. 

Still his mind would wander, thinking about dark eyes burning with lust, slim hips under his palms as he pressed the slender body in front of him closer, pushing his aching flesh against a growing bulge in tight, satin pants.

“Fuck!”, Brian would curse, the thoughts of the singer and a few final strokes of his hand being enough to make him come all over the pages of the magazine.  
“Fuck…”, he repeated, this time more softly, leaning his head against the headboard of the bed, trying to catch his breath.

The last time he had actually wanked over a person had been in college, when he had had a terribly embarrassing crush on Sally, a girl in his year who also liked maths and physics and wore her hair in a shiny black ponytail. She had given him his first kiss on the last day of year 11 and then moved to Wales with her parents. They had written each other sappy love letters and Brian had kept the photo of her she had sent him in one of the letters for years to come.

He had always considered her his first real crush. Brian had felt himself pondering on that thought for quite some time when he should have been studying.  
Was he crushing on Freddie? Was he actually developing an attraction towards his male friend?

Brian decided that none of this could be determined in one evening. 

Feeling miserably uncertain, he went back to his coursework, starting to question almost anything that had ever been a fact to him by the time he went to bed with a terrible headache and a heavy heart.

Brian had debated on simply pretending to be sick on their upcoming Wednesday band practice. Only his loyalty to Queen and the fact that he knew that Roger would definitely pay him a visit to find out what was going on if he just stayed away, were keeping him from doing so. 

As much as he dreaded the tense atmosphere that would surely come around between him and Freddie once they were in the same room, he tried telling himself that maybe it wouldn´t be so bad if he just pretended that things were alright. 

His plan was thwarted quickly, when he had walked down the steps to their studio, opening the door to no other than Mary herself, lounging on one of the old, worn down armchairs.  
She had her hair curled in soft, blonde ringlets and wore a set of white satin pants, a tight fitted jacket made from the same material and a black tunic-style shirt that looked very similar to the one Freddie himself had worn on the previous Friday.

Brian could remember quite vividly how the sleek, shiny material had felt under his fingertips as his hand had clung to Freddie´s shoulders while they panted against each other´s lips, grinding their hips against each other.

“Oh…”, Mary said in a warm but almost shy tone and gave Brian a smile. One of her front teeth was slightly larger than the other. Brian knew she was shy about this slight flaw of hers, even though he had heard Freddie tell her many times how utterly adorable he found it and what a beautiful girl she was.

“Hey Brian!”, she added and sat up a little straighter, nervously playing with a lock of hair.

“Hello Mary, good to see you!”, Brian said, his brain working on survival mode as he desperately tried to seem normal.  
“Hey Bri!”, Roger called over from the other room, already warming up on the drums. 

“Hi Rog!”, Brian called over, glad about the noise in the background. That way the uncomfortable silence between him and Mary wasn´t as evident.

Still, he felt like staying absolutely quiet while he went over to his guitar case to unpack his Red Special would have been rude.  
“Are you off work today?”, he asked the Blonde to at least make some polite conversation. 

She almost seemed relieved to be addressed by him, giving him another one of her shy smiles.

“Yeah, I´m off until Friday so I thought I´d pop around. Freddie´s been so busy with Queen and all, made me want to see what you guys get up to these days.”

“Speaking of Fred, where have you left him?”, Brian continued to ask, keeping his tone light, even though he was quite glad that Freddie was not yet present.  
It wasn´t that he didn´t want to see his friend again. Secretly, Brian had noticed that he was thinking about Freddie more often than not. It was more so the fact that dealing with being in the presence of Mary and Freddie at the same time would have been quite the challenge for him. 

Mary´s next words put an end to his spiralling thoughts. Just like her boyfriend, she seemed to be very good at pretending that everything was fine, being her usual bubbly and friendly self.  
“He´s still at Ealing I believe. Should be here any minute. It´s kind of a surprise, Roger let me in.”

Mary looked very pleased with herself in a way that should have been smug but was still charming. Even though his friend´s words on Friday night had shown Brian a glimpse of the problems Freddie and Mary were facing in their relationship, all seemed to be well again and Brian wasn´t someone who wished bad things upon people, especially not on Mary.  
She had been nothing but sweet and kind to him since the first time they´d met at a university gig four years ago. 

“I bet he´ll be happy to see you. He´s been working on quite a few songs recently, maybe he´ll play one or two for you.”, Brian said and watched Mary nod excitedly.

“That´d be lovely.”, she replied with a smile, but Brian could see that she was thinking about something. 

Her smile didn´t disappear, but her expression was slightly more serious when she got up from the armchair and walked over to the guitarist. 

“Brian…listen…”, she had kneeled down by his side, her voice slightly hushed, even though there would be no way Roger could hear them through his warm-up.

Brian felt himself blushing already. He could smell her perfume, a fruity scent that reminded him of ripe peaches and the blossoms of cherry trees in the parks. 

“We don´t have to talk about what happened last week at that party, but…”, she said softly, but Brian was quick to reply, even though he stumbled over his words.

“Mary…I´m so sorry, I…”

“You´re sorry? What for?”, she asked him, her voice so kind and soft that it made Brian feel even worse. 

“You know…for…just em…”, he murmured, even though he knew that he could never be honest with her right now. 

Brian wasn´t simply apologizing for the events of that fateful Saturday night back at Roger´s flat. If he would have been honest with her, he would have told her about the things that had happened between Freddie and him just a few days ago. 

But of course he would never do that. 

Mary made a soft sound, almost as if she was feeling very sorry for the fact that Brian had apologized, at all. Gently, she put a small, warm hand on his, a simple but kind gesture. 

“Brian…you did nothing wrong. I just wanted to say that it doesn´t have to be awkward between us. I don´t plan on avoiding you or anything. I want us to keep being friends.”

The guitarist found himself blushing again. Mary seemed to notice, as she slowly pulled her hand away. Still, her big blue eyes showed no sign of the girl holding any grudge against him.  
God, if only she knew…

“Oh…a-alright, yeah…that would be lovely.”, Brian said hastily, managing a slightly wobbly smile. Mary sighed softly, as if she was relieved by his positive reply. 

“Of course! You know, I´ve talked it all through with Freddie. There are no hard feelings on his part as well so I don´t see why there would be any problem.”

“That´s…good to hear.”, Brian answered and felt like a horrible liar. 

Mary smiled at him, seeming much more relaxed now that she believed their previous issues resolved.

“Well, I know you guys are pretty close and with the band and all that…I don´t want things to be weird between you and Freddie because of what happened.”, she added in a slightly hushed voice but with a genuinely friendly expression on her pretty features. 

“Yeah…thank you…really, Mary, I mean it.”, Brian replied, but once again, she just smiled at him.

“That´s alright, Brian.”

To his utter surprise, she leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

At this very moment, the door opened and in came Freddie, looking quite surprised to see his girlfriend sitting down on the ground with Brian. He couldn´t even meet his friend´s gaze properly.

“Well hello there, who have we got here?”, Freddie exclaimed, being quite bad at concealing the fact that her sudden appearance seemed to unsettle him slightly.

Still, it seemed to work on her. She got up from the floor with a beaming smile, went over to him, got on her tiptoes and pressed a series of smacking kisses to his lips while holding onto the lapels of his coat, a thin black blazer with golden embroidery. 

Freddie mustered up a smile against her lips, his hands resting on her hips.  
“What a lovely welcome indeed.”, he said softly. 

“Just wanted to quickly say hello.”, she murmured against his lips before pressing a final kiss to them that lasted a little longer than the previous ones and made Brian feel oddly tight in the pit of his stomach. He quickly looked down, busying himself with tuning his guitar again. 

“Well hello you.”, he heard Freddie say to Mary and then there was the sound of more kisses that made her giggle. Brian wished he could simply disappear.  
Still he couldn´t help himself but look at them, noticing her fingers tenderly stroking Freddie´s cheek and his hands on her hips, holding her close.

They were a lovely couple, Brian thought and for some reason the thought rose a sudden feeling of loneliness inside of him. 

Sweet, kind-hearted Mary and creative, often slightly melancholic Freddie, the perfect counterpart to each other, rarely seen quarrelling with each other, often smiling and just as close as any two young people in love should be. 

At this moment, Brian felt like a homewrecker, someone who was lurking in the shadows to ruin his friend´s beautiful relationship.  
Roger had stopped drumming and it was suddenly very quiet.

“You free tonight, darling?”, Freddie asked her, the tone of his voice slightly lowered, his hand drawing gentle circles on her hips.

“Promised my mum to help her mend her clothes and sew a few buttons back on a dress she wants to wear for work. You know with her eyes and all, she needs a bit of help…”, Mary replied.  
Of course, Brian thought. She was just as sweet with her aging parents as she was with her boyfriend, always offering to help out and being there whenever they needed her.  
“That´s very kind of you, dear. I´m sure your Mum will be glad to have you around.”, he heard Freddie say in a gentle voice.

“That´s why I came by.”, Mary replied, smiling sweetly at him. ” I´m sorry about tonight…But it´s better than not seeing each other at all today.”

“It´s a wonderful idea, sweetheart.”, Freddie said and Brian could tell that his previous confusion about her unannounced visit had vanished. Maybe it had only been wishful thinking, even though he didn´t quite know why his brain would have him believe that Freddie wasn’t happy to see his girlfriend, rather spending time with the band, with him.

“How long can you stay, darling?”, the singer asked her, helping her out of her jacket and then taking off his own, hanging both of up on one of the armchairs.

“About an hour. But don´t you guys worry, I´ll just sit in the corner and listen for a bit. Private Queen concert just for me, right?”

She winked at him, turning around and walking into the direction of their little studio. 

“We always love to have an audience, sweety!”, Roger called over from the other room and broke into an especially wild drum solo that made Mary giggle.

Brian didn´t exactly know why, but Roger´s words about “having an audience” caused Freddie´s gaze to meet his in a slightly uncomfortable and suddenly very guilty look.  
The guitarist saw a blush creep up on the Persian´s cheeks and he swallowed thickly.  
On that Saturday night, Brian had been the audience, although he had participated quite a lot. And now, him and Freddie even had repeated their little show act, even though one party of the previous arrangement had been missing. 

Brian lowered his gaze, not being able to look at Freddie anymore. 

Freddie, who had just kissed his girlfriend, but who had kissed him so sweetly just a few days ago. Freddie, who feared and desired at the same time. Freddie, who had made him question everything.

“Hello guys, sorry I´m late!”, Deaky emerged from the door, bringing with him the cold and dark from the April evening and ripped Brian from his thoughts. 

“Well finally! Don´t want to keep our audience waiting for too long!”, Roger shouted, excitedly hitting the snare a few times. Mary laughed again. Brian could see that she had taken a seat next to Freddie on the piano stool. 

“Hey Deaky!”, she greeted the youngest member of the band and a soft smile appeared on the bassist´s features. John was usually quite shy when it came to talking to girls, often blushing and even stuttering, but with Mary, he was open and without any fear of embarrassing himself. 

She had a way about her that made people feel comfortable, Brian thought and caught himself comparing his own quite poor communication skills and awkward ways to how easily she seemed to get people to like her. 

“Oh hey Mary! You´ll be our guest today?”, he asked while he took off his jacket.  
“Yes!”, Freddie said and Brian could see him rolling his eyes. “Now you two get your arses in here so we can get cracking!”

They had finished rehearsing about an hour later and Brian was very glad about it. Usually, the evenings spent with his friends twice a week were something he looked forward to, something to get his mind off his stressful studies at Uni. 

But this time, he had felt unbelievable tense while not being unable to focus properly at the same time. 

Even though Mary had been nothing but pleasant and sweet, sitting next to her boyfriend on the piano stool, listening with a quiet smile, her presence had made Brian feel uncomfortable.  
It wasn´t the fact that she would sometimes lean her head on Freddie´s shoulder when he played the piano and went over a part of the song to make sure he got it right or how she would look at him with adoring admiration whenever he started to sing. 

No, Brian was used to seeing them together. 

More so, it was the fact that he could feel her looking at him sometimes. And whenever he raised his gaze from the strings of his guitar, she would simply smile at him sweetly, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

Brian, who had trouble understanding the motives and reasons behind people´s actions under normal circumstances, found it utterly distressing. He simply couldn´t tell why she was watching him like this. 

“It was so lovely hearing you play! You guys are getting so good!”, she had said to them before leaving.

“Thanks Mary, that´s so nice of you.”, Deaky had said with a blush and even Roger had looked very proud even though he usually played it cool when it came to compliments given by girls.

But Mary wasn´t just any girl. Brian noticed that he knew not one person who disliked the petite Blonde in any way, she was generally popular with everyone she met.  
He didn´t know why, but a slight feeling of jealousy started to rise in him, even though he pushed it away. 

She had waved them all goodbye, given Freddie another kiss and had then been quick to get out the door to go home to her parents. 

Soon after that they had called it a day as well, putting away the instruments and locking up the studio again. Roger had rushed off to his girlfriend right at the door and Deaky had parted ways with Freddie and him after the short walk to the bus stop, taking the steps down to the next tube station to get to his student accommodation. 

Brian felt like he really should know better. He knew what he should be doing. He should be saying goodbye to Freddie to get on that bus, go home, have a nice cup of tea and start on the mountain of essays that were due in two weeks. 

But when he looked up at his friend, he felt Freddie´s gaze on him, an unreadable expression on his features, his brows slightly furrowed, his lips slight parted, as if he had been about to say something but had decided against it the moment Brian looked at him.

Brian thought about how Mary had kissed Freddie that afternoon, over and over again and he couldn´t help but imagine doing the same. Differently though, much slower, much more sensual, savouring each second of the kiss and in the privacy of his room so they could take all the time they wanted. 

Brian wanted Freddie in his room again, even though he felt horrible for it.

“Do you…em…want to have a beer over at mine?”, Brian heard himself ask.

“A beer?”, Freddie asked, his brows slightly raised while a smile tugged at his lips. “You´ve got beer in?”  
Now he sounded almost disbelieving.

Brian wasn´t someone who drank beer on any given occasion, he usually wasn´t much of a drinker anyways, preferring a cup of tea to any alcoholic beverage, especially when studying.

“Yeah...”, Brian replied, eager to express that it was in fact not a rare occasion that Brian May had a beer in the evening. “Well, it´s my flatmate´s but I bet it´d be fine if we had some.”, Brian added, straightening his shoulders.

Freddie gave him a warm smile, his head laid slightly to the side.

“Brian, you don´t even like beer.”, there was a fond tone to his voice and Brian knew that his friend clearly had seen through his little lie. Lying to Freddie was simply impossible at this stage of their friendship.

“Yes…but you do.”, he said, smiling shyly and Freddie gave a soft little chuckle, shaking his head a little. 

Brian suddenly felt very stupid, like a school boy who made up adventurous stories of smoked cigarettes and emptied bottles of hard liquor to impress a girl, when in fact, he got very tipsy when having a pint of cider. 

“Maybe that´s a bad idea.”, the guitarist said quickly. “I should get cracking on that essay on physics anyways, deadline´s quite soon and I haven´t really started…”, he murmured. 

“I could keep you company. You know, you write you´re essay, darling, and I´ll work on some sketches for one of my projects. Surely you´ve got a pencil a pad of paper. That way we´ll both get some work done.”, Freddie simply said and Brian felt his heartbeat speed up. 

Freddie wanted to spend the evening with him. Freddie wanted time with him, time spend with him alone. Brian knew that he shouldn´t be excited about this, but he was. 

“Lovely.”, he replied and couldn´t help but blush. Freddie pretended not to notice. On the bus ride to Brian´s flat, Freddie told him about his upcoming projects for his fashion course, maybe to fill the uncomfortable silence that might otherwise have risen between them. 

But Brian was happy, almost feeling giddy with the thought of the hours to come.

They had been quite good with working for a solid hour once they had arrived at Brian´s place.  
Harry, Brian´s flatmate, was in, but he only stuck his head out of his door when he saw Freddie to say hello, quickly returning to his room to continue what sounded like some more bickering with his girlfriend.

Brian was sat at his desk, working on his essay, Freddie was lounging on Brian´s bed while sketching away on one of his notepads.

At some point the fighting from Harry´s room got quite a bit louder, then they heard the door slamming, the echoing steps of high heeled shoes in the hallway and music coming from the other room, sounding suspiciously like sad love songs.

Brian´s focus on his work was lost. And there was another struggle for him.

It was becoming increasingly hard for the guitarist not to glance over at Freddie who was lying on his belly, notepad propped up on a pillow in front of him. His friend was licking his lower lip in concentration, while streaks of raven-black hair kept falling into his face.

“What?”, Freddie suddenly said, looking up from his work.

The guitarist blushed, embarrassed about being caught staring.

“Nothing…”, Brian mumbled.

“No…what is it?”, Freddie gave a nervous little laugh, putting the pencil aside and looking at his friend quizzically. Freddie had drawn something that looked like a beautiful fur coat on one of the women he had quickly sketched onto the paper. 

“Sorry…”, Brian murmured, lowering his gaze, trying to focus back on his essay and the paragraph he had been working on before. 

He heard Freddie chuckle and get up from the bed, his steps quiet on the carpet as he walked up to Brian´s desk.  
Brian could feel his presence next him, a tingling sensation on the back of his neck.

“You always keep apologizing for stuff.”, he heard Freddie say in a slightly lowered voice and looked up from his work. 

Freddie´s smile made Brian feel like he had talked himself into a corner once again without even saying much. 

“Just don´t want you to think I´m staring at you, that´s all…”, he replied, his fingers nervously playing with the fountain pen he was holding.  
Freddie´s dark eyes seemed to be glinting mischievously in the light of Brian´s desk lamp. 

“What if I want you to stare at me?”

Brian found himself gulping for air.  
“Why?”, he asked.

“Because…”, Freddie gave him one of those irresistible, close-lipped smiles that showed off the dimples in his cheeks. “…I like how your pupils dilate and the black swallows up that lovely hazel colour of yours when you feel like you got caught. And then you blush…and this delicate rosy colour blooms on your cheeks…Looks divine…”  
Brian felt his face heating up at Freddie´s words. 

“Do you want a beer?”, he heard himself blurting out, immediately regretting it a second after and feeling even more awkward. He almost expected Freddie to tease him for it, a smile already tucking at the corners of his mouth, but it never came.

“No thank you…”, he replied, the words lazily rolling off his tongue as he leaned in slightly. 

“Well em…what would you…”, Brian stammered, but the singer didn´t let him finish his sentence.

His chin slightly raised, he suddenly looked very confident, almost close to the expression he wore shortly before he was going up on stage.  
“What I would like to do, Bri, is take a seat on your lap, you see…Like this…”

And to Brian´s great surprise, his friend took the final step towards him and straddled his lap with the same confident expression he had worn before. 

Even though Freddie was of slim built and really didn´t weigh much at all, Brian heard himself audibly releasing air from his mouth as he felt his friend´s weight on his thighs, a shocked little ooff, that sounded almost pathetic to his own ears.

Nevertheless, it didn´t seem to discourage the Persian in what he was doing. He leaned in until Brian could feel his warm breath on his cheeks and smell the shampoo Freddie was using or rather stealing from his mum hence the flowery smell. Roger usually teased Freddie about it but Brian had always secretly admired how shiny it made Freddie´s thick black hair and how lovely it smelled.  
Freddie smiled at him and leaned in even more. 

“And then, I would very much like to kiss you…like this…”

He kissed the guitarist on the cheek, sweet and short and it made him blush heavily.  
“And like this…” 

His lips low landed on the corner of Brian´s mouth, halting for a precious, fleeting moment until he pulled back. His hands rested on Brian´s shoulders.  
“And like this…”, Freddie whispered and then kissed him on the lips. A feeling of warmth spread in Brian´s chest, his eyes fluttered shut and he felt himself leaning in closer, his body reacting automatically. 

Kissing Freddie felt wonderful, Brian couldn´t deny it. And even though he had spent these past days, almost every waking and sleeping hour of them, dreaming of his friend´s kiss, there was something lurking on the outskirts of his mind, something that was creeping closer to finally catch up on him.  
Guilt. The thought that this was wrong. That it was immoral. 

Freddie pulled away and smiled at him, closed lips, his front teeth peeking out from underneath them, his eyes huge and dark and beautiful. He suddenly seemed almost shy, even though his words were far from it.

“And then I would very much like to drag you away from that stupid desk and go over to your bed…”

Brian heard himself taking a slightly sharper breath, felt his heartbeat speeding up. He wanted, oh God, he wanted to do this so much. The thought of letting Freddie pull him towards the bed, to feel his arms around him, his lips on his and to repeat what they had done just a few days ago. 

But Brian lowered his gaze in shame. No…no, he couldn´t do it! 

Freddie had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who loved him, who supported him, who was good for him. Someone who cared for Freddie and who was imagining a future with him.  
And he, selfish, greedy Brian was about to give in and ruin it all. 

“Is that what you´d also like to do, Brian?”, Freddie asked him softly. He seemed to have noticed Brian´s sudden change of mood. There was an uncertainty in his dark eyes, a shimmer of fear and nervousness that hadn´t been there before. His confidence was fragile.

“No…”, Brian heard himself saying, even though it sounded like he wasn´t really convinced of it himself.

“No?...”, Freddie repeated his words. He was blushing and his smile looked even more nervous now. “Then what would you like to do instead, darling?”

Brian wished that there was a way of letting his friend know that he would very much like to do this. It was just that he couldn´t. Not after he had seen him with Mary this afternoon. Not after he had seen them kissing and laughing and being a generally lovely, happy couple. 

“Just have a beer with you…Listen to a record…Just hang out…as friends, like we always do.”, he replied, suddenly too embarrassed to look Freddie in the eyes anymore.  
“A-alright…”, Freddie cleared his throat and got up from Brian´s lap quickly, obviously very ashamed of himself.

“Sorry…I´m really sorry, dear…God this…this is embarrassing…I…shouldn´t have…assumed that…”, Freddie murmured and Brian felt even worse for making his friend feel bad about the whole business.  
God, why was all of this so bloody difficult?  
“Fred, it´s…it´s okay…Don´t…don´t worry…”, Brian said quickly, getting up from the desk. Freddie took a quick step back to not be too close to him and it broke Brian´s heart.  
The sudden distance between them was so obvious.

“Come on, I´ll get us something to drink. You choose a record, yeah?”, he proposed and Freddie nodded, shoulders still slightly hunched, not even being able to meet the guitarist´s gaze anymore.

“Alright…”

Brian had already been at the door when he turned around to Freddie again, who was now standing over by his slightly wonky bookshelf, browsing the bottom shelf to look for a record for them to listen to. Brian´s humble collection only consisted of seven records, nowhere near as many as the almost 40 Freddie and Roger owner together.

“Would you rather have a cuppa tea?”, Brian asked. He didn´t know why he had posed the question, maybe because he wanted Freddie to know that he cared, that everything was still alright, that he wasn´t angry with him for kissing him. 

“Beer is just fine, dear.”, Freddie replied with a slightly wonky smile. 

Brian thought about asking Harry if it was okay if he took two bottles of beer from his kitchen cupboard but there was still the same depressing music coming from his flatmates room. Harry way a friendly guy and Brian was sure that he wouldn´t have said no, but the guitarist feared that his flatmate wasn´t exactly in the mood to talk at the moment, so he made a mental note to go to the shops and replace the bottles the next day. 

He struggled quite a bit with opening the bottles and was glad that Freddie couldn´t see him in the kitchen right now. Then he went back to his room.

Freddie had chosen one of his favourite Hendrix albums, Electric Ladyland and it made Brian smile. The record wasn´t even his own, Freddie had burrowed it to him a few months ago after he had gone on and on about how fantastic it was and hadn´t asked for it back yet. 

They shyly smiled at each other, standing in front of the bed, not really knowing where in the room would be a good place to sit down at after what had happened just a few minutes before. 

Maybe he could sit on his chair again and Freddie would sit on the bed? No, that was oddly far away from each other. He didn´t want his friend to think that he was scared of him.  
Maybe they could go to the kitchen and sit on the table? But the kitchen was always cold and there was usually a pile of dirty cups and plates in the sink. Not very cosy at all. 

Brian sighed, handed Freddie his beer and then just decided to go for their usually spot, on the bed, sitting next to each other, both leaning against the headboard, elbows brushing, thighs almost touching. 

Freddie took his space next to him and for a moment they were quiet, sipping on their beers, listening to the music.  
The tense atmosphere seemed to lift and Brian almost felt as comfortable as he usually was with his friend. 

“Thought of a set list for the gig yet?”, Brian asked him after a little while. He had worried so much about the current situation between Freddie and him in these past days, that he hadn´t really thought about the fact that Roger had managed to secure them a gig at a pub in Kensington in just about a week. 

“Yeah well…I was thinking Now I´m Here…and then Son and Daughter…My Fairy King as well…and Doing all Right…”, Freddie replied.

“You just like that one, don´t you?”, Brian asked with a chuckle. 

Freddie smiled back at him, all dimpled as big brown eyes.

“Well…feels pretty good to be the one singing it rather than standing in the audience and trying to come up with a way to persuade you wankers to have me as your singer.”

They both snickered. Brian remembered the days when it had been him, Roger and Tim in the band, Smile, as they called themselves back then. Freddie had been their biggest fan and critic as well, always making sure to make his opinion on their songs and performances known. 

At first, they had been pretty annoyed with it, until they had noticed that Freddie was actually quite the talented piano player and that his voice was quite unique, although it needed a little more practice. What had been the final push for them to let Freddie take the spot as their new singer had been seeing him on stage for the first time. 

Shy, quiet Freddie Bulsara turned into a whirlwind of confidence, flamboyant stage outfits and charm and quickly became a favourite of the audience. And with Tim leaving to play for a different band, the time had finally been right. 

Brian loved thinking back to those times about two years ago, when him, Freddie and Roger had become inseparable, spending many a Saturday night jamming away or going out to get drunk simply because they could. 

Freddie took another sip of beer and then turned slightly to the side to look at Brian. 

“How´s Uni going? Are you super stressed with course work and rehearsals?”, he asked. It wasn´t often that they talked about Uni. Usually one of them complained a bit and the others either nodded understandingly or took the piss by saying that their course way much harder, that their teachers were much worse and that this was a band and not a bloody study group so shut up about it please and thank you. 

Maybe that was why Brian thought it to be quite kind of Freddie to ask, because he knew that his friend genuinely cared. 

“Yeah, it´s alright. Not getting much sleep but that´s okay.”, Brian replied, pulling at the skin under his eye to show Freddie his dark circles, chuckling. “But I like things…how they are right now…Queen´s going great I think.”

Freddie nodded excitedly, smiling brightly and even forget to hide his front teeth behind his hand. 

“I get it…Feels exciting, right? We´re having more and more gigs, we´re writing songs, working on the album. I think we´re going somewhere.”  
Brian smiled fondly at his friend. 

“You´re going somewhere, Freddie. Your voice…I know Roger said a few things about it that weren´t very nice back when we started…but now…you sound so good. And you´re getting so much more confident up on stage. It´s amazing to witness that.”

To his utter surprise, he watched the singer blush heavily and smile so shyly, as if he had never heard a compliment like this before. 

“Oh Brimi…how sweet of you…Thank you…th-thank you so much…Means a lot to me.”, he murmured, his fingers peeling the side of the label of his beer bottle, fidgeting about.

“That´s alright, Fred.”, Brian said with a big smile. 

He took another sip of beer and then put the bottle down to get a bit more comfortable on the bed. Brian felt like the past week was finally catching up on him.  
“I´m knackered…”, he murmured. “Maybe I really am not getting enough good sleep.” 

He stretched out his long legs as much as he could with Freddie next to him. 

They were both quiet for a second, but Brian could feel his friend watching him.

“Brimi…I´m sorry that I kissed you…I really am…”

Brian looked up at Freddie and saw how miserable he suddenly looked. He really did seem genuinely worried about the consequences that his actions would have on their friendship. 

“I should have noticed that you weren´t up for it. I´ve made you so uncomfortable, I´m so ashamed of myself, really, it´s…”, Freddie rambled on, but Brian´s next words made him stop.

“Freddie…it´s not that I didn´t want to kiss you…”

The singer suddenly looked very confused, almost as if he didn´t quite understand what Brian was meaning to tell him.

“It´s that I think we shouldn´t be doing it…”, Brian continued firmly. Freddie didn´t look very convinced though, brows still furrowed, as if the guitarist´s argument wasn´t really clear to him.

“Fred, you´ve got a girlfriend! Mary…she´s such a sweet girl, she´s wonderful.”, Brian went on, but Freddie gave him nothing more than a tired nod, murmuring, “Yeah, she is…”.

Brian sat up a little straighter again, eager to make Freddie understand, to explain to him that not giving into the temptation of just letting it happen again was what was right. 

“You and me, we should not be repeating what´s happened a few days ago. Mary and you, you´ve got a good thing going for you. You guys have a future together, you´re very well suited, everyone can see that. And this…foolery shouldn´t endanger that.”

Freddie simply gave a flat little sigh at that, shaking his head tiredly. 

“You try to explain everything away with your sharp mind and your nice words…”

“I´m just trying to help you…”, Brian replied, but Freddie would have none of it.

“Well, but…you´re not. You´re telling me what to do and what to feel and what to think. And quite frankly I´m done with doing and feeling and even thinking what everyone wants me to.”, he suddenly seemed quite upset, eyes dark and intense but there was a sadness to them that made Brian see that maybe he had been patronizing his friend. 

“You don´t have to live up to those expectations, Fred. You´re a free man.”, he said quietly, looking Freddie in the eyes. 

“Oh really? Then why did you just tell that I shouldn´t be kissing you when I´ve got a girlfriend, who I should marry in a few years, buy a house for and have a few babies with and…”  
Freddie was talking with his hands now, there was an almost desperate glimmer to his eyes and his voice had increased in volume quite a bit.  
But Brian felt like his friend had gotten him all wrong.

“Freddie, that´s not what I said!”, he managed to get in. “I said that what you and Mary have is special. And that you shouldn´t throw this love away because…”

“It´s not about how much I love her!”, Freddie said firmly.

“Well, what is it about then?”, Brian asked, his brows raised. 

The singer took an angry gulp from his beer, looking quite irritated by now.

“Do you need an answer to every fucking question! I don´t know, okay? I don´t know what any of this is about? Or what it all means…”

He put the bottle down on the floor and crossed his arms in front of his chest. He seemed to think for a few seconds, jaw tight, front teeth digging into his lower lip. 

“Could you even answer that question? What does it mean to you, Brian?”, Freddie finally asked him. 

For the first time in forever, Brian´s sharp mind didn´t provide him with a quick answer to a question. He just sat there in front of Freddie, trying to find words that would rationalise the situation.  
But he couldn´t. And so, he just found himself blurting out what was the truth.

“It means that being with you felt a thousand times better than being with Mary…and that I´m dying to touch you and to kiss you again…I can´t even focus on anything, couldn´t do so for the whole week…I was just thinking about you all the time…”, his voice was shaking by the end of it and he was breathing hard, his cheeks hot, his chest feeling tight.  
When he dared to look at his friend, he saw the warmth in Freddie´s eyes.

“And that´s how I feel about you, Brimi…”, his voice was so gentle when he spoke, but Brian tried to keep from giving in once again.

“Freddie…we can´t just…You´re in a relationship…”

The singer looked him in the eyes, a desperate need to explain himself evident in every word that followed.  
“This is not about loving her…I do love her, Bri. She´s my best friend, she´s my soul mate, she understands me. But I…don´t want her like that. I thought I did, back when we started going out, but…”, he stopped, shook his head, pushed a strand of black hair out of his face, trying to find the right words to say.

“I love her, I really do, but I don´t desire her…her body…Does that make sense?”

“Yes…and no…”, Brian murmured, needing a few seconds to catch up with what his friend had just told. 

He never would have thought that it was like that for Freddie and Mary. Brian had always gotten the impression that they were carefree and happy with each other and that this spanned onto every aspect of their relationship. 

Still, he felt like it wasn´t his place to ask more questions right now, since he felt he already had overstepped quite a few boundaries in lecturing his friend on how he should cherish his relationship with his girlfriend much more. 

Still, Brian couldn´t help but think about what Freddie had said before. His friend had basically just told him that he wanted him in a physical way, while still loving, but not wanting his girlfriend.  
If anyone else had told him about this, Roger maybe, he would have made sure to make them understand what an idiot they were and that this was a very bad excuse to just go around and sleep with other people while still cheating on their partner. 

But now, that he himself was involved with it all, it was much more difficult.

“So…we´re just fooling around basically?”, he deduced, looking over at Freddie, who seemed to need a moment himself to come up with an answer. 

“Well technically, yes…”

Brian nodded slowly, but still, his mind wouldn´t stop bombarding him with further questions. 

“Are there other blokes you´re fooling around with?”

Freddie looked downright offended.  
“Why are you saying it like that? There could be other girls I´m fooling around with for all you know!”

“Yes, but you just said that you still love Mary, you just don´t want her anymore…physically. And I´m assuming that´s not because she´s suddenly become unattractive to you but because well…because she´s a girl.”, Brian analysed in the same neutral tone of voice he would speak about one of his assignments when a professor asked him a question on it in a lecture.

Freddie simply sighed. Apparently Brian had been right.  
“You´re far too clever, darling.”

Brian looked at him quizzically. Was this the answer to his question about Freddie´s other possible romantic involvements?

“So yes?”

“Yes!”, Freddie said, slightly annoyed.

Brian felt something inside his chest pull oddly tight. Maybe it actually had been a rather stupid question to ask if the answer would feel this uncomfortable to him.  
“So you are fooling around with other guys?”, he said in a surprised manner.

“What? No! No, I´m not! What the fuck, Bri?!”, Freddie hissed at him.

“Well, you just said…”, Brian wanted to oblige, but Freddie stopped him with a movement of his hand, his silver bracelets making a clinging sound.

“Ah bollocks, stop being like that! No Brian, you´re the only guy I´m fooling around with at the moment.”, he said sharply.

Brian knew he really shouldn´t, but he couldn´t stop the next question from coming out, although his voice was slightly quieter this time, his tone more timid.  
“Have there been other guys before?”

Freddie´s narrowed his eyes, his voice seemed almost cold to Brian. Something about the question seemed to have send his friend into a kind of defence mechanism.  
“I beg your pardon?”, he said very quietly.

“Well guys you´ve been seeing while you´ve been with Mary?”, Brian added, even though he was much less confident in his question or rather his right to even ask it now. 

“If you really must know…yes…”, Freddie replied, picking up his beer again and taking another sip, not even looking at Brian anymore but rather staring out of the window.

“Does she know?”, Brian continued, his body now fully turned to Freddie. 

The singer shook his head in disbelieve, then he looked Brian dead in the eye.  
“No, of course she doesn´t know! She would be disgusted...”

The words sounded harsh from his mouth, spoken with such bitterness.

“So you´ve never talked to her about the fact that you feel attracted towards men?”

Brian hoped that his question would not upset his friend any further. And even thought Freddie didn´t seem offended, he still looked at Brian in disbelieve.

“Brian, what do you think me and her do in our spare time?! Just because you´ve had a threesome with us doesn´t mean that I go around shagging guys, just to come home and tell her about it!”  
Brian lowered his gaze for a second, debating on whether his next words were appropriate for the situation. 

“So it was a threesome ?...You know what we did…”

Freddie´s brows rose up his forehead. 

“Because I wasn´t sure…well, technically you and me, we didn´t really touch or do anything…”, Brian explained further, even though he only got a tired smile from the singer for it.

“Well, we did touch on Wednesday…quite a bit more than just touching…”, Freddie said plainly.

“Yeah, but that wasn´t back on Saturday, so…”, Brian commented, which had Freddie sighing in frustration.

“God Brian, you´re giving me a headache…”, he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest and sinking deeper into the pillows, frowning and looking quite fed up with the conversation they were having.

Brian felt slightly guilty for even bringing up the topic. He still though it was wrong, all of it. Freddie cheating on Mary. Freddie not communicating with her about what was bothering him. And of course, Freddie probably being very unhappy in the relationship. 

It wasn´t fair on both Freddie and Mary. 

But still, Brian couldn´t help it, couldn´t push the thought away. This wasn´t his relationship, even though he deeply cared for his friends and wanted them to be happy.  
Brian knew that giving into this wasn´t what he should be doing. And still, he wanted to. 

“Okay…”, he murmured and Freddie looked up at him, almost jumping at Brian´s sudden words. He seemed to have been just as lost in his thoughts as Brian had been.

“Okay so…we´re fooling around…you and me. And you´re not telling your girlfriend and you´re not going to tell your girlfriend…”, Brian summarised the outcome of their previous conversation.  
Freddie gave him an annoyed sigh, unfolding his arms from his chest. 

“Brian look, if this is about Mary and you want her in this, you´d have to talk to her yourself, I´m not going to…”

Brian felt himself blushing, eager to get a word in. Freddie had gotten him all wrong.  
“No!”, he said quickly, shaking his head. “No, this is not about her…I think…”

Freddie didn´t look very pleased with his answer.

“You think?”, he repeated. 

Brian blushed. He knew he had to be honest about this. Maybe this was him clinging to the possibility that he wasn´t simply attracted to a man but to a man and his girlfriend, to the dynamic they had with each other. 

These days, many kinds of unusual relationships had been starting to form, especially with people who had an artistic background. Brian had heard the stories about people having two, three or even four partners, open relationships, living together all in one flat and being quite happy with it. 

Maybe this was what he was longing for. The freedom of unrestrained acceptance, of exploration without judgement. 

But maybe, just maybe, he was simply attracted to one of his best friends and was enough of a selfish idiot to want him, even though he had a girlfriend, even though this wasn´t right, even though this was all probably going to end in tears.

“Well, it´s…confusing…”, he replied slowly.

Freddie nodded slowly, lost in his own thoughts for a moment. Then he got up from the bed. 

“Alright, I think I should go home…”, he murmured, already on his way to the door, when Brian quickly grabbed him by the arm, making him stop in his tracks.  
“Fred!...Freddie wait!”, slightly embarrassed, Brian pulled his hand away once Freddie stopped walking away. 

“The fact that you´re not telling Mary about this is not something that I´m completely comfortable with…but…if this is what it is…then…”, he started explaining, but Freddie seemed tired of it, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“It´s not like we´re going to be in a relationship at some point anyways.”, the singer said and to Brian it sounded much colder than Freddie had probably meant for it to sound. But he was right. This would lead nowhere. It wasn´t like they would one day be boyfriend and…boyfriend. Even the thought of it was odd to Brian. 

Of course there were people like that, men who lived with men, women who lived with women but it was frowned upon, they were outcasts from everything that was right and proper in society.  
Still, the fact that Freddie had said it in such a cold way made Brian feel slightly angry, as if this was meaningless anyway, a silly little affair. 

“Doesn’t make it right that you´re cheating on your girlfriend.”, he replied.

“Well darling, is there more to it or are you going to lecture me again on what a horrible person I am…”, the Persian was about to step over to the door again.

“I want to keep exploring this…”, Brian said, his voice slightly uncertain. Freddie turned back around to him and this time, took a seat on the bed again. 

“This?…as in…?”, he asked, making a hand gesture that spanned from him to Brian, looking quite surprised.

“You and me, Fred.”, Brian replied with a steady voice, even though saying it made him blush.

“Alright…”, Freddie replied, looking quite overwhelmed. 

They just sat in front of each other on the bed, none of them daring to say a word, looking at each other.  
Brian watched Freddie´s face closely, as he furrowed his brows again. 

“Well, don´t think I´m going to wank you off now or something.”, Freddie suddenly said in an almost dramatic tone of voice that for some reason made Brian snicker.  
The whole situation was just so bizarre. 

Freddie looked at him with wide eyes, raised brows and an almost offended expression on his features and Brian stopped laughing.  
He felt awkward asking, but still, there was this urge in him to be close to Freddie.

“Fred…Can you just hold me?”, he asked in a quiet voice. 

For a second, he was scared that Freddie would laugh at him, maybe even tell him that this wasn´t what he was looking for when he came to Brian.  
“Of course, darling…”, Freddie said softly and Brian felt his heart flutter when he saw his friend´s warm smile. 

It was only now that they noticed that the record they had put on had stopped playing. Freddie got up from the bed, unplugged Brian´s record player and then turned off the light on his desk.  
It had long gotten dark outside and the warm light from Brian´s bedside lamp made everything look soft and warm, very cosy indeed. 

Freddie got back to him on the bed. “Do you want me to…?”, he asked, slightly uncertain.

“Can you…em…?”, Brian made a hugging motion with his arms, feeling very awkward.

“Yeah sure, come here…”, Freddie laid down on the bed again and took the guitarist into his arms.

Brian inched closer and snuggled up to Freddie´s chest. They needed a moment to arrange their limbs, especially with Brian´s long legs which ended up tangled up in Freddie´s but soon they had found a position that was comfortable, Freddie holding Brian in his arms, the guitarist resting his head on the singer´s slim chest. 

Brian´s finger gently started tracing the striped pattern on Freddie´s silk shirt, Freddie buried his fingers in Brian´s wild hair and began to massage his scalp until Brian sighed softly because it felt like heaven. He was getting goose bumps on his arms.

“Bri?”, Freddie asked him a little while later. 

“Yeah…”, Brian murmured, already slightly sleepy in his friend´s arms. 

“Can I stay the night?”, Freddie asked. “Not really keen on taking the bus back home right now, it´s pretty late, probably have to wait for ages…”

Brian carefully raised his head to look at Freddie. In the process, the tip of his long narrow nose brushed up against Freddie´s neck, wandering upwards to his sharp jawline and then up his cheek.  
“Course you can…”, Brian replied, smiling sleepily, their noses now almost touching. 

“Thanks darling.”, Freddie said, his eyes flickering down to Brian´s lips for a short second before he managed to look Brian in the eyes again.

The guitarist smiled at him and then he finally leaned in, pressing a short but sweet kiss to Freddie´s lips. He was tempted to make it last a little longer, but then he remembered their previous conversation. Exploring didn´t mean rushing into it. 

“Good night, Fred.”, he murmured when he pulled away. 

“G´night Brimi…”, Freddie replied softly and then Brian leaned his head against his friend´s chest again. 

It took him a long time to fall asleep, even though he was feeling exhausted. After Freddie had turned off the light on his nightstand, Brian had laid in the dark, listening to his friend breathing.

At one point he got so uncomfortable in his tight jeans, that he untangled himself from Freddie, sat up and took off his trousers, leaving him in his shirt and his underwear. As if he had been waiting for a cue, the singer did the same. 

Brian pulled the duvet over them once they laid down again and this time it wasn´t as awkward as before, Freddie simply spooning Brian. His friend´s soft, warm breath on his neck, feeling Freddie´s arm loosely slung around his hip, Brian fell into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand we´re back, right on time for my Wednesday update!
> 
> Enjoy darlings!

Brian squinted his eyes to be able to read what it said on the page of the library book. The letters seemed to blur, morphing into one another and his eyes felt strained. He blinked a few times, but it didn´t really help.

He had never noticed how dim the lamp on his desk actually was. A fearful glance at his wristwatch showed him that it was almost three in the morning.  
God, he was tired, so bloody tired. 

“Brimi…”, he heard a voice from under the duvet of his bed. Only Freddie´s head of messy black hair was visible, the rest of him was curled up under the duvet.  
He saw a pair of tired brown eyes blinking at him. 

“Darling, what are you doing at that desk again?”, the singer asked with a yawn. 

“I just wanted to finish this essay. I need to hand it in on Monday and it´s not finished at all. It´s really important that I get it right, it´s my final assignment and…”, Brian heard himself blabbering, his voice slightly hoarse with exhaustion. 

“Monday you say? But that´s ages away, Bri!”, Freddie interrupted him. “You can finish it on the weekend.”

Brian, already busy again with trying to decipher if the book held any information he could use for his essay, shook his head.  
“Fred, we´ve got the gig on Saturday! And that means we´ll get drunk afterwards, you´ll probably stay over, we´ll sleep for a maximum of two hours and on Sunday I´ll be sleep deprived and hungover. I need to finish this now, it´s Wednesday already!”

Freddie simply gave him a tired little chuckle, raising up his arms from under the duvet and above his head, stretching his back with a long, low hum, that made it very hard for Brian to concentrate on his work.

“Sounds so sexy if you say it like that…”, the Persian snickered.  
“We´ll sleep for a maximum of two hours…”, he repeated Brian´s words in an imitation of his posh accent, now leaning his back against the headboard. “Sounds like we´re going to get some more late-night-studying done or something horribly boring like that.”

Brian looked up from his book and grinned at him, his smile slightly apologetic.  
His friend knew that Brian was shy about talking about these things, being intimate with each other, experiencing pleasure, even though he was sure that they would happen between them on Saturday to them same extend that they had happened between them on this very night.

The duvet had slipped down slightly and Freddie´s bare chest was exposed to Brian´s gaze. Just a few hours ago, he had littered said chest with kisses that had made Freddie giggle so hard that he had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep Brian´s flatmates from hearing them. 

In the process, Brian had discovered that Freddie´s nipples were actually quite a sensitive part of his body and that he could get his friend hard in under five minutes if he deftly rubbed them with his thumb and then, as Brian had gotten a little bit braver, kissed and even licked them gently. 

Almost two weeks had passed since their much-needed chat on how things between them should be from now on and even though Brian was suddenly slightly worried about the fact that he found less and less time to do his university work, he still had enjoyed them very much. 

If Brian had been slightly worried about his inexperience concerning the love between two men before, Freddie had taught him that there was nothing for him to worry about. The singer was quite gentle and patient with him, demanding nothing and taking everything Brian was willing to give him with just the same kind understanding as he listened to Brian´s song ideas. 

They had spent six more nights with each other, manoeuvring their way around band rehearsals, Freddie´s date nights with Mary, Brian´s study sessions and any other commitments they had.  
It was their luck that Roger was barely at home anyways, so he never knew if Brian had spent the night at Freddie´s or if his flatmate hadn´t been home at all because he had been at Brian´s. 

Gradually, they had ventured on into being closer, exploring what simply felt good and what made Brian come in an embarrassingly short amount of time.  
Their following rounds of humping each other while making out, their clothes mostly still on, had left them yearning for more. 

“Can I take this off, darling?”, Brian remembered Freddie finally asking him on their second night together, about a week ago, his fingers lingering on the buttons of Brian´s shirt.  
The fact that he had asked for his consent rather than just going for it had made Brian feel warm and secure and after his nod and many more kisses, they had ended up naked for the first time.

Brian remembered just lying on the rumpled sheets, panting with want, while the singer seemed determined to kiss and adore every part of his upper body until his hands timidly ventured down below the concave of Brian´s stomach and towards his throbbing erection. 

Brian had felt like his heart might have stopped when he watched Freddie bring his hand to his plush, red lips, licking a long, wet stripe onto his fingers and then taking Brian in his hand, starting to pleasure him with long, drawn-out strokes that had the guitarist gasping for air and that became quicker once he felt Brian tense up, nearing his finish line, coming onto Freddie´s hand after just minutes, flushed and shaken by how unbelievably good it had felt. 

“How do you do this?”, Brian had asked him afterwards, having caught his breath in Freddie´s arms, nosing at his friend´s neck. 

“Do what?”, Freddie had chuckled.

“Give a handjob like that…”, Brian had replied in a hushed, slightly husky voice.

He had felt Freddie´s erection pressing up against his thigh. 

Slowly, Brian had let his hand wander down Freddie´s side, resting on the inside of his thigh. He was eager to touch his friend, to give him pleasure, but he didn´t really know how. Brian knew that it was basically not very different from what he did to himself when he masturbated, but still there seemed to be something about the movements of Freddie´s hand that he couldn´t quite grasp.  
There had been a practiced ease to his movements. Maybe it was at this point that Brian finally understood that Freddie hadn´t lied when he had said that he had been with a man before.

Their gazes had met and with an almost tender look in his dark eyes, Freddie had smiled at him. 

“Darling, you don´t have to touch me down there if that´s a bit much for you to start with…we can just…”, he had said, but Brian had shut him up with an eager kiss, stealing the words from the Persian´s lips.

“Please Fred…I want to.”, Brian had whispered against his lips, finally daring to move his hands lower under the duvet, making Freddie hiss softly. 

“Alright…”, he had whispered.

“You have to lick your fingers, or you spit on them, doesn´t matter…just feels really good when they´re wet…”

Brian had brought up his hand to his mouth and licked the palm of it as well as his fingers as he had seen Freddie do before. Then, with a concentrated look on his face, he had let his hand wander back down under the duvet, carefully taking Freddie´s erection in his hand. 

Suddenly, Freddie´s hand had been on top of his.

“I´ll show you…”, the singer had murmured and had then started moving his hand over Brian´s, making him follow.  
Brian had felt awfully short of breath, the feeling of Freddie´s hard cock under his palm being incredibly arousing to him.

“Focus on the head…yeah like that…nice and steady…”, carefully, Brian had paid great attention to every movement in Freddie´s fingers and even his wrist.

“Go a bit faster…”, Freddie had murmured after a little while, his eyes half closed, lost in his own pleasure. Brian had done as he had asked him to and Freddie had answered with an exquisite drawn out moan that had made Brian realise how erotic he found the fact that Freddie´s voice sounded so much deeper when moaning. 

“Yeah, just like that. You´re doing so well, Bri…”, his friend had praised him.

His hand had left Brian´s, fisting into the bedsheets instead.  
Brian had almost felt proud when first Freddie´s moans had become more and more desperate, even though he tried to muffle them by biting his lips and when the singer had come shortly after, making a mess on Brian´s hands and his own stomach and thighs.

“You might not even need me anymore after I´ve shown you this.”, Freddie had chuckled afterwards, smoking a cigarette, his head propped up on Brian´s stretched out arm.  
Brian had looked at him with raised brows, not really understand what his friend was on about.

“Well because now you´re the champion of wanking yourself off and you don´t need silly old Freddie anymore.”

Brian had shaken his head, smiled mischievously and peppered quick little kisses to his friend´s neck until the singer had started squirming and giggling under him.

“No, I think I need a bit more practical advice from silly old Freddie.”

And Brian had gotten his hands-on lessons over the past two weeks, just like tonight. 

His plan had been to finally finish his essay, well at least one of the two he still had to do and then start studying for his exams. Maybe he should have known that the fact that Freddie stayed over wasn´t going to help him much.  
Their study sessions usually ended with them getting bored of pretending that they were focusing on work, making up a half-arsed excuse for a few kisses to finally tumble into bed and not return to work for several hours. 

“Brian…”, Freddie pulled the duvet back up to just under the tip of his nose. 

“Come back to bed…I promise, I won´t pressure you into drinking too much on Saturday, I´ll let you get enough sleep and I´ll be gone by Sunday morning so you can finish your essay in peace. But please…come to bed now, darling…”, Freddie begged him and Brian couldn´t resist any longer. 

Never in his life would he have thought that it would one day be this easy for someone to distract him from his studies and under different circumstances, he would have thought it to be quite worrying how little he suddenly seemed to care about them when there was the promise of being close to his friend.

But Brian was tired and a bit cold and he wanted nothing more than to sleep for a few more hours and be held by Freddie.  
He put down his pen, closed his books and turned off the lamp on his desk, stumbling over to the bed in the dark. He took off the bathrobe he had thrown over his boxers and t-shirt, which he had picked up from the floor where they had landed just a few hours ago when Freddie had undressed him.

“Finally…”, Freddie murmured, seemingly very pleased with himself as Brian slipped under the duvet and they were in each other´s arms again. It was warm and cosy and Brian blushed as a still very much naked Freddie snuggled up to him with a pleased hum. 

“Much better…”, he whispered against Brian´s lips, giving him a tender little kiss before resting his head on the guitarist´s shoulder. 

“You´ll be the reason I´ll never get my degree if we go on like this, Fred.”, Brian said, his fingertips gently tracing up the curve of the Persian´s spine, which made Freddie sigh softly and shiver slightly.

“We´ll soon be rockstars and fucking millionaires anyways, Bri. You won´t be needing that degree of yours once we´re rich and famous.”, the singer replied, teasingly nibbling at Brian´s ear with his teeth and his lips. 

“Well, maybe I want to be an astrophysicist and a rockstar.”, Brian said, his eyes looking up at the dark ceiling. Every once in a while, a car drove by, the headlights reaching up to the faded-green wallpaper.

“What a splendid idea, darling!”, Freddie replied with a pleased little chuckle. “But you can first get rich and then get your degree. Takes a lot of the pressure off, you know. You could just do ages and ages of research and spend all this money on books…as long as you keep on playing fucking amazing guitar riffs that is.”

Brian rolled his eyes at his friend, even though a smile was still tugging at his lips.

“Do you really think that whole rockstar-thing is going to work out for us, Fred?”, he asked, his hand continuing to stroke Freddie´s back, his fingers lingering between the Persian´s shoulder blades. 

“Of course, I do Brimi!”, Freddie replied and Brian chuckled and pressed a kiss to the singer´s brow. Only in these early hours of the morning they allowed themselves to be so tender with each other, spending hours talking about their dreams, their plans for the future while holding each other, trading soft kisses, just enjoying each other´s presence.  
Brian loved these moments, even though he knew that he shouldn’t. 

Their gig at a pub in Kensington on the following Saturday went splendidly. Brian was able to almost feel them slowly fall into a routine of playing these smaller gigs in bars and pubs all around London. The early days of improvised equipment and nerves that flared up so bad that it almost cost them the whole performance seemed long gone. 

They were Queen and there was no one else quite like them in all of London, maybe even Britain. 

He had gotten up early in the morning to get done as much work as possible before they would meet at the pub at four for doing soundcheck and getting ready together. 

Brian had to admit that he had been quite stressed beforehand, his nose still in a book while he threw shirts and pants into his biggest leather bag so he could have a choice of clothes to wear on stage, stumbling around his room to find bits and bobs while still trying to absorb information and finally add the finishing touches to his essay while at the same time trying to eat a sandwich as a late lunch.  
The moment he had set foot into one of the small back rooms of the pub that the owner had cleared out a little and allowed them to use as a space to get ready at, he had felt the stress being lifted off of his shoulders. 

“Brian mate, there you are!”, Roger shouted at him when he spotted the guitarist by the door, already nursing a bottle of beer, lounging on a very scruffy looking sofa in the back room. 

“Hey Rog! Sorry, couldn´t be here sooner, had to finish some work.”

Roger rolled his eyes at him and handed him a bottle of beer, after Brian had put down his hurriedly packed bag of clothes and his very heavy guitar case.

“Come on man, forgot about uni for a second. Tonight´s going to be great! I know it! I feel it in my bones.”, the Blonde said excitedly. Brian took a few sips of his beer. He could already hear the sounds of Deaky trying out his base guitar and an amp being pulled over the floorboards in the main room of the pub. 

“Let´s get cracking with soundcheck. Fred and Deaks are at it already.”, Roger suggested and Brian nodded, putting down his beer and following his friend into the other room. 

Soft afternoon sun was shining through the slightly dirty windows of the pub.  
Deaky had plugged his guitar into an amp and was trying out a few cords, while Freddie was by the microphone stand near the piano, trying to adjust the height, cursing softly under his breath. 

“Hey guys, look who´s here!”, Roger shouted over to them. 

“Hi Bri!”, John greeted him with a characteristic little bop of his head, while still playing on. Brian gave him an encouraging smile. 

“Hi Deaks, sounds really good!”

“Well hello there, darling!”  
Freddie had looked up from the microphone, giving him a smile and a wink before going back to his tedious task. 

“Hey Fred…”  
Brian found himself fighting down the blush that was blooming on his cheeks. 

The singer was already wearing part of his stage outfit for tonight and in Brian´s opinion, he simply looked stunning in it.  
Freddie had told him just a few days ago about the black and white two-piece he wanted to wear, even showing him the sketches of it he had made and the fabrics he had bought for it. Brian knew that Freddie had spent long hours at the sewing machine in one of the ateliers at his school to finish it just for tonight.  
And the work had definitely paid off, the cut of the silky fabric accentuating Freddie´s slim waist and long legs beautifully. Topped off with Freddie´s usual choice of jewellery, a few dainty silver necklaces and rings on his fingers, complete with the black nail vanish, he looked like a star. 

Brian noticed that he had been lost in thought probably for the past minute, simply staring at his friend, while Roger had already climbed up on stage to help John with moving another one of the small amps.

None of the others seemed to have noticed though and Brian was glad about it. Freddie and he were extremely careful when it came to keeping this new part of their friendship a secret from Roger and John and very much separate from the band itself. 

First and foremost, they were friends and bandmates. Anything else was entirely their business. 

“Need a hand with that?”, Brian asked the singer, walking up to the stage and climbing up the stairs. 

Freddie smiled at him, looking at the microphone stand a little helplessly. Brian could see that he had done thick black line of kohl pencil on his upper lash line for tonight, that ended in a dramatic flick and made his dark eyes look even more sultry.  
“There seems to be something wrong with one of the screws, I can´t get this damn thing to go up a little higher…”, he murmured. 

“Alright, let me see…”, Brian said, already bowing down so he could inspect the mechanisms of the screws in the stand.

“Thank you, darling. What would I do without you, eh?”  
A gentle hand brushed up against his lower back, a soft little squeeze. It was an innocent gesture of friendly appreciation really, but the touch felt way too good to be just that. Brian couldn´t help but hope that after the gig, the odds would be in their favour and they would be able to spend the night together once again. 

Once they´re done with setting up their equipment, they each had a beer and started getting ready for the show. Soon, the small dusty back room they had occupied was a complete mess.

Freddie had set up a little make up area in front of the mirror, adding a few finishing touches to his own face. While Brian tried to smooth a few cringles out of the slightly sheer white shirt he had picked out for the show, he watched his friend apply a delicate dusting of rouge to his cheeks, making his cheekbones look even higher. 

Brian loved how Freddie looked with make upon, never ceasing to be fascinated by the enticing contrast of the chiselled lines of his chin and his sharp, narrow nose and his plush lips and sultry almost cat-like eyes. He was beautiful, in a way that was so different to the beauty standards of the western world, from everything that the guitarist had ever known or seen. Brian wanted to call those people who mocked Freddie for his slightly feminine demeanour and clothes utter fools, wanted to make them understand how special, how wonderful his friend was. 

The thought made Brian stop in his tracks.

He´d never noticed before how protective he felt of his friend, how much he wanted to make sure that Freddie felt appreciated and comfortable.

The singer seemed to notice Brian´s gaze on him, giving the guitarist a smile, shy and vulnerable, almost as if he was slightly embarrassed to be looked at when he was applying his on-stage-battle-armour.

Brian smirked back him, warmth creeping up his cheeks, but the moments was broken when Freddie suddenly looked away and clapped his hands, getting up from the scruffy floorboards.

“Alright darlings, time to get you all stage-ready!”, he said, smiling brightly and Brian couldn´t help but laugh softly. Freddie´s favourite thing besides putting make up on himself was putting make up on his bandmates.

“Come here, Deaky, you´ll go first.”

His dark eyes were fixed on the young bassist´s and John shrugged with a defeated smile and came over to him, only half dressed in a pair of black bell-bottom satin pants and the slightly too small yellow t-shirt he had worn before.

“Guess I´ll be your first victim then.”, he murmured, taking a seat, half turned towards Freddie, half turned towards the mirror. The singer promptly set to work, holding the kohl pencil like an artists who added delicate brush strokes to a canvas.

“There we go, splendid, my darling Deaky.”, he said after about a minute of concentrated work. 

“Look at yourself!”, he laid his hands onto John´s narrow shoulder, turning him towards the mirror.  
Shy, quiet John full on blushed at the compliment. 

Even though he probably had gotten used to Freddie´s generally always quite affectionate ways, Brian sometimes saw the youngest member of Queen blush when Freddie complimented him, much different to Roger, who usually laughed it off.

“Do you like it?”, Freddie asked him. He had added a delicate black line onto John´s upper lid, nothing too drastic, subtly accentuating John´s young, soft features and his grey eyes.

“Yes…Thanks Fred.”, John replied and he genuinely seemed pleased when he got up and went back over to his bag to change his top into a black shirt that was quite similar to Brian´s.

“Now Rog, you´re next!”, Freddie said, giddily playing with the kohl pencil between his fingers.  
Roger groaned in frustration.

“Fred mate, don´t you think I´m pretty enough yet? Do you really need to do this?”, he protested, currently busy with picking out a pair of shoes. 

“Roggie, please? This is our look! All the cool guys in music industry do eyeliner now! Come on”, Freddie pleaded and Roger, rolling his eyes and pretending to be very annoyed, finally came over to him.

“Oh my, look at those lashes…so delicate and fair…”, Brian heard Freddie sigh and when he caught John´s gaze, they had to try very hard holding back their laughter.

“Will you shut up!”, he heard Roger say sharply and couldn´t help himself anymore, chuckling into the crook of his elbow while bending over to put on his shoes.  
“You´ve better not dolled me up like a girl…”, Roger grumbled.

“Just a bit of rouge, darling! You´d look so pretty!”, Freddie said, brush already in hand, but Roger scrambled to his feet like it was poison. 

“No way man! That´s it!”, Brian and John laughed, while Roger walked away from the mirror.

“Wankers…”, he murmured.

Brian´s gaze shifted over to Freddie and the Persian smiled at him softly, something warm and affectionate in his brown eyes that made Brian walk up to him like he was pulled towards him by an invisible string. 

“Alright Brimi, your turn.”

Brian took a seat in front of Freddie and the singer gently put his delicate pointer finger under Brian´s chin to tilt it up.  
For a second, they looked each other right in the eye, shy hazel on bold brown. Brian saw the side of Freddie´s mouth quirk up in a boyishly sweet smile.

“Close your eyes for me, darling.”

Slowly, Brian closed his eyes, a tingling sensation spreading down his spine when he felt Freddie´s warm breath softly ghosting over his cheeks and the tip of the kohl pencil carefully tracing along the line of his upper lash line. Gently, Freddie brushed a curl away from Brian´s forehead and behind his ear and the singer struggled to supress the shiver that threatened to take hold of him.

“And there we are, all done…”, he heard his friend say softly and opened his eyes.

Freddie smiled at him, front teeth peeking out from under his upper lip and gestured towards the mirror for Brian to look at himself. 

“You look lovely, dear.”

Brian turned towards his image on the slightly scratched surface of the mirror and couldn´t help but smile. He wasn´t usually one to go bold with his fashion choices, but he liked what Freddie had done with the eyeliner, giving it a little flick at the end. 

Brian´s gaze wandered to the piece of hair that Freddie had tucked out of his face, the curl slightly smoothed down. He liked what he saw, which was a rare occasion. 

“Awww you hear that Brimi, you look lovely!”, Roger mocked them, completely ruining the moment. Blushing, Brian lowered his gaze.

“Deaky, don´t you think I look lovely too?”, Roger continued to tease.

“Most lovely, Rog…”, John replied, laughing as well.

An hour later they were standing in the back room of the pub, excitedly listening to the general noise of talking, laughing, the dragging or chairs on the floorboards and steps of the people in the room next doors. 

Brian was nervous, the thought of people waiting for them to come on stage made his stomach turn, a feeling of excitement and dread starting to rise. 

Roger seemed eager to finish his second bottle of bear before they would go on stage, probably needing the slight bit of bravery and confidence the buzz from the alcohol would give him, while Deaky had gone very quiet, seemingly listening to what was going on next doors just as intently as Brian did.

“Alright darlings, shall we?”, Freddie asked them.  
Even the singer´s voice sounded a little more shaky than usual. Brian knew that Freddie would be fine once they were up on stage, all of them would, but the thought that even his friends were still slightly nervous before a gig was comforting and nerve-wrecking at the same time.

They were in this together, they had grown so much as a band and as people in general in these past months. This was their time to shine. 

“Let´s go!”, Roger said, putting down his beer and giving his four friends a mischievous look. 

“What if they hate us, Roger?”, Deaky suddenly murmured, his nerves apparently getting the better of the youngest member of Queen.

“It´ll be fine, John. They won´t hate us.”, Brian said, laying a comforting hand onto the younger man´s arm, smiling at him. The smile the bassist gave him was slightly wobbly and not very convincing.

“Don´t worry, Deaks. They´ll love us!”, Roger told him with a wink, already on his way to the door. “We´re the prettiest lads they´ve ever seen on a stage!”

“There you go, Roggie darling. You´ve finally got it!”, Freddie replied with a grin. “Let´s go out there and give them a good fucking show!”

Brian was on his fourth gin and tonic of the night when he spotted Freddie in the crowd again. The last time he had seen the singer had been when they had logged the equipment over to the car Deaky had managed to borrow from his dad so they could get their stuff back to the studio and then go out to party. 

They had been in pretty high spirits then, the radio turned on to almost full volume, Freddie and Roger singing to the songs that were playing, passing a bottle of whiskey back and forth, while poor John tried to drive the car and follow the navigations Brian gave him to find their way back to the studio. 

The show had gone great. Maybe it had been due to them slowly gaining some fans or people that just generally recognized them whenever they played in the South London area, but Brian had been impressed with how responsive the crowd had been. 

The pub had been packed to begin with, but by the end of their 40 minutes up on the make-shift stage by the bar, they had opened the door for more people to come in and on their last few songs, the atmosphere in the room had been energetic, people dancing, singing along and generally having a good time. 

Brian had once again admired the confidence Freddie had displayed from the moment he had walked up on stage to then, line by line, note by note, song by song had win the crowd over once again. People had been ecstatic, giving them rounds and rounds of applause when they had walked off stage, dazed and wobbly in the knees. 

Once they had been in back in the back room, Roger had pulled them into an adrenalin-fuelled, sweaty group hug and from then on, the night had been nothing but a great party. 

When their equipment had been stored away, they had taken the bus back to South London´s bar and club scene, picking up people here and there. 

“Guys, this is Eileen, my girlfriend!”, Roger had shouted over the loud music once they´d chosen a bar, introducing a pretty blonde girl to them. 

“Oh, it´s so nice to finally meet you guys!”, she already seemed pretty drunk, although very lovely and just as fun as Roger himself.

The first one she pulled into a hug was John, who, as with any girl who so much as spoke to him, blushed furiously when she kissed both of his cheeks.

“You must be Deaky, the bass player! Aww, look at you, you´re so young and sweet, you´re practically still a baby!”, 

“N-nice to meet you, Eileen.”, John murmured, but she had already moved on to Brian, who she hugged as well. 

“And you´re the tall one! Brian, right? Roggie told me you´re a genius, he says you´re so damn clever!”

“Well, I study physics but that’s not really…”, Brian tried to get in, but she kissed his cheek and just laughed. 

“A humble genius as well!”, she said with a sweet smile and Brian blushed just as much as John had before.

“Now Rog, someone´s missing!”, she got on her tip toes and nearly tipped forward in her high heeled boots, while trying to look for someone over the heads of the people filling up the bar. “Where´s that fabulous Freddie bloke you´ve promised to introduce to me!”

Roger had snickered and given Brian and John an apologetic look, laying an arm around his girlfriend´s shoulders.  
“Don’t know, Babes! Have you guys seen him?”

Brian had shaken his head. He hadn´t seen Freddie since they´d set foot into the bar, but he was used to it. Usually there were always people who knew Freddie from somewhere, mostly people from his course or people from Ealing, people who had heard that he now had a band and therefore wanted to chat to him as much as possible.

“Think he said Mary´s gonna come round later. Maybe he´s with her…Can´t see them though…”, Deaky had murmured, squinting his eyes to try and make out two people that looked like their friends in the crowd. 

They had all gotten drinks, hoping that Freddie would simply spot them later on. Brian had enjoyed himself, he really had. Eileen was chatty and funny and all of them had a great time chatting and drinking. The guitarist was surprised at how easy it seemed to be to just talk to people tonight, since everyone seemed to have heard about their glorious gig and wanted to know more. 

And then he had spotted Freddie. 

He was with Mary, a cigarette in one hand, his other hand on her hips, while her hands rested on his shoulders. They seemed to be just chatting, slightly swaying to the music, content in their little bubble, even though they were surrounded by so many people. 

Brian didn´t exactly know why, but seeing them like this made the familiar feeling of loneliness creep up again. He remembered what Freddie had said two weeks ago. He loved her, she was his best friend, his soul mate. 

Maybe it didn´t matter that he didn´t desire her anymore. Maybe the fact that Brian and him were meeting up behind her back didn´t matter as well. Maybe all that mattered between them was that they loved each other, cared for each other. 

And even though the thought of it and the sight of them made Brian feel something that came close to jealousy and loneliness, he still couldn´t deny the fact that he was happy for them.  
He had agreed to this thing he was having with Freddie, whatever it was, only under the condition that it bore no greater meaning to the both of them. They were having fun, exploring, nothing more than the satisfaction of their urges. 

Brian had to remind himself of that, had to rationalise this. 

“Brian, hey!”, he heard Mary call over to him as she had noticed him in the crowd. 

Brian put a smile on his face and tried to compartmentalise his previous thoughts as quickly as possible, while making his way over to the couple, trying not to be rude while pushing through the crowd of people. 

Freddie was his friend. Freddie had a girlfriend. Nothing that Freddie and he were doing had any deeper meaning. 

“Hi Mary, good to see you.”, they hugged quickly and she kissed his cheek.  
Today, she smelled of magnolias and vanilla. 

“Freddie already told me about the gig! Congrats on the great show!”, she stole the cigarette from Freddie´s fingers and took a long drag.

“Yeah, i-it was great!”, Brian said, suddenly feeling very awkward again. He could feel her eyes on him, looking at him with exactly the same unreadable expression as back at the band rehearsals two weeks ago. 

“Sorry I couldn´t be there, still had to work.”, she explained, taking another drag from the cigarette before Freddie took it back. 

“Well, you´ll be front row at the next one, right darling?”, Freddie asked her and she smiled at him, got on her tip-toes and kissing him on the cheek. 

“Sure thing!”

Brian didn´t even dare to look at Freddie. He felt utterly uncomfortable.

“Alright, I think Sarah should be outside any minute.”, she suddenly said, looking at her wristwatch.

“You won´t be staying?”, Brian couldn´t keep the words from spilling from his lips, spoken in a tone that had a tint of sarcasm to it and that was entirely uncharacteristic for him. If he wouldn´t have known it better, he´d probably called himself a jealous fool, who was glad to see some poor girl´s back just because she was his friend´s girlfriend. 

Mary didn´t seemed to have noticed, but Freddie had his head tilted slightly to the left side, watching Brian with narrowed eyes that seemed to ask, “What was that about, Brian darling?”

“Yeah, I´m going out dancing with a girl from work. She´s bringing a few of her friends as well, it´s going to be amazing.”

Mary took the cigarette from Freddie one last time, already steering towards the exit of the bar. 

“Freddie won´t join me though.”, she added with a sigh, he lips, painted red and glossy closing around the blunt of the cigarette once again. “He´s says it´d be weird because he´d be the only bloke.”, she rolled her eyes, walking in front of Freddie and Brian who followed her outside of the bar, down some stone steps and out onto the street. 

Freddie shrugged, an arm draped around her waist while they waited, sharing the rest of the cigarette. 

Brian awkwardly stood next to them, leaning against the brick wall of the house behind him and pretending to be watching the people who passed by them, most of them dressed up and ready to go out, while he prayed for this uncomfortable situation to be over soon. 

He had a talent for getting himself into these types of situations, Brian thought to himself but then a car on the other side of the busy road honked and Mary looked up. 

A woman in a flowy yellow dress waved at them from the backseat of a car. Brian could see another man and a woman in the front, the radio turned up. They looked very fashionable and very much like they were ready to have a good time.

“Ah there she is!”, Mary chirped. “Alright, bye love. Take care, yeah?”, she exchanged a few quick pecks on the lips with Freddie. Brian´s eyes lingered on her hand that tenderly stroked Freddie´s cheek before she pulled away. 

“Have a lovely night, darling. Take care! Love you!”, the singer replied. 

“Love you too! Bye! Bye Brian!”, she called, already crossing the street, laughing excitedly when she arrived at the car, getting inside and hugging her friend. 

Brian watched the car drive off. Freddie was standing next to him, so close that their shoulders were touching, his arms crossed in front of his slim chest. For a split second he looked very sad, almost like he was regretting something, almost like he was the unhappiest man on this whole earth. 

The singer cleared his throat, then, without looking at Brian, he said in a voice so low that only the guitarist could hear it,” Roger’s staying with Eileen tonight…”

Brian watched him pull his upper lip over his prominent front teeth, nervously wetting his lower lips with the tip of his tongue, a quick little flick.  
He turned his head towards Brian, now looking at him.

“You want to stay over at my place?”

Brian could still see it in his friend´s eyes. The sliver of fear, the shimmer of doubt. Maybe he was still scared that Brian would say no, that he wouldn´t be able to carry on this farce they were playing.

“Yes…I´d love to…”, he answered, his voice just as quiet. A smile was tugging at his lips, shy and cautious. 

“Lovely…”, Freddie answered and then he smirked at Brian, although he quickly lowered his gaze, almost as if he was afraid that looking at Brian for too long would give him away. 

Instead, he pulled another cigarette from a little box out of his jacket, lighting it, leaning his head against the brick wall behind them, inhaling and then blowing out the smoke in a long, slow exhale that was almost sensual to Brian.

The guitarist felt heat creep up his cheeks, when he thought about tonight, about the hours that were to come, sweet, sleepless hours in the singer´s arms. 

He suddenly felt very brave, a sudden rush of adoration overcoming him, a sudden need to vocalize what he was feeling. Maybe it had been seeing Freddie with Mary like this that set him off, maybe it was just the warm, tingly feeling in his stomach every time he looked at the singer. Maybe he was simply drunk again.

“I can´t wait to touch you…”, he murmured, his head turned towards the other men. He watched Freddie´s adam’s apple bob as he swallowed thickly. 

Brian leaned in a little more, his heart beating hard and fast in his chest. 

“I´ve been wanting to all night…”

This was dangerous. There were hundreds of eyes that could see them right now, hundreds of people and just one of them could hear, could see the expression of hunger on Brian´s face, the glaze of lust in his hazel eyes. It was exhilarating. 

“Brian, careful…”, Freddie whispered, but Brian could see that the hand he was holding the cigarette bud with was shaking slightly and that a slight flush was creeping up his neck.

“Sorry…”, Brian murmured, looking down at his shoes. 

He heard a slight chuckle from the other man, lifting his head again to find that Freddie had leaned over to him slightly, a knowing little smile tugging at his lips.

“No, it´s okay…it´s just…someone could see…I mean, they´re all drunk as anything or high as fuck but I don´t want to get you into trouble…”, he said quietly. 

The words had stuck with Brian. Freddie had said them as if he was the one who could cause him any inconveniences and not the other way around. Freddie, who was endangering his relationship with his girlfriend by doing this was worried about getting Brian into trouble?

Freddie gave a slight little nod up to the entrance of the bar.

“Come one, let´s get back inside…we´ll probably be able to leave in about an hour if we´re lucky. I´ve got plans for us tonight…”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings,  
> here´s chapter six of my little Frian story. Since this is already half of the story, I wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who has commented, given me kudos and read it so far. You all are making my lonely quarantine-days so much more fun.  
> Sending you all so much love. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Freddie pinned him to the door frame with his narrow hips and kissed him until Brian was flustered and gasping for breath.

They hadn´t even turned on the lights in Freddie´s room yet, every touch, every kiss exhilarated tenfold by the fact that his friend´s body was nothing but a dark shadow in front of him and Brian could rather feel than see what he was doing.

“I´m going to suck you off…”, Freddie whispered against his lips, the words so filthy, so utterly forbidden to the guitarist that they made him shudder.  
“Would you like that, Bri?”, determination was making the singer´s eyes shimmer in the dark.

“Yes…”, Brian heard himself hiss, his heartbeat hammering away in his chest.

It hadn´t been too difficult to get away from the party, saying their quick goodbyes to Roger, who had already been busy snogging his girlfriend in the back of the room and John, who had been drunk enough to put all his shyness aside and talk to a girl, probably Veronica from the night at the pub two weeks prior. 

Their friends had all been busy doing something else, talking to someone else, getting drunk, getting high or trying to get laid and it had been Freddie and Brian´s luck. They hadn´t even needed a proper excuse to leave, just waiting for the right moment, for the others to be distracted enough so they could simply slip away.

Their walk back to Freddie and Roger´s flat had been hurried, even though both of them tried to pretend like they weren´t terribly eager to simply close the door and finally have some time away from prying eyes. 

Brian watched Freddie lower himself to his knees in the dark of his room, palming the guitarist´s erection through his satin trousers, slowly, very slowly pulling down the zipper and his underwear and taking Brian out. 

Brian groaned, feeling drunk on gin tonic and pleasure, his hands helplessly scrambling for something to hold on to, coming to rest on Freddie shoulders. Freddie pulled down Brian´s trousers to his knees and set to work.

All the guitarist could see in the dark was his friend´s messy head of dark hair but he could feel Freddie´s wicked fingers and then his tongue, oh his hot, wet tongue on Brian´s prick.  
Freddie licked a devilishly slow stripe up the underside of Brian´s cock only to suck on the head seconds later, making Brian´s knees almost give out.

“Ahh…Freddie…”, Brian whimpered helplessly, his hand wandering to his friend´s neck, torn between pulling him off, overstimulated by the feeling of intense pleasure and pulling him closer, making him take more.

The singer hummed softly around Brian´s cock, his delicate hands gently stroking Brian´s thigs, that, as the guitarist registered with a sliver of shame, looked pasty white and awfully skinny in the pale darkness of Freddie´s room. 

He heard Freddie drawing a slow breath through his nose, only to then take him deeper into his hot mouth, his nose now pressed into Brian´s pubic hair. Brian felt like he was going to lose his mind, his hips jerking up helplessly until Freddie put a firm hand onto his sharp hip bone to hold him still.

Brian felt like he was simply about to explode, taking in shuddering breaths.

Of course, it wasn´t the first blowjob he was getting, but something about the way Freddie´s mouth and throat closed about his entire length without even choking made his head spin.  
Freddie started alternating between taking Brian in deep, his throat tight around him and then drawing back again, sucking at the head. 

When Brian looked down at the other man, he couldn´t help but gently brush a few sweaty strands of hairs from Freddie´s forehead. Feeling the tender touch, Freddie looked up at him, his eyeliner slightly smudged, his eyes dark as the night and full of sin. 

Brian couldn´t help it anymore, he came embarrassingly fast, keening and pulling on Freddie´s hair, spilling down his throat, while the singer swallowed everything Brian grave him, his throat closing even tighter around him, making the guitarist moan helplessly. 

Once the singer had taken his mouth off his softening cock, Brian simply sank down, his knees giving in, his back leaning against the door. 

Desperately trying to catch his breath, his eyes half-closed, he soon felt Freddie leaning in, pressing a few soft kisses to Brian´s heated cheek, his hands gently stroking Brian´s slim upper arms.

“Oh my god…”, Brian gasped breathlessly, his body still shivering. He felt like he had just finished a marathon, while at the same time having the biggest epiphany of his life.

“I guess that was quite nice, wasn’t it Brimi?”, Freddie asked him with a soft chuckle.  
His friend had quickly understood that Brian craved physical contact after an intense orgasm, being held, being caresses and kissed gently, while he came down from his high. The fact that Freddie so willingly made sure to give Brian what he needed without the guitarist ever having to ask for it was something that Brian cherished a great deal. 

Sometimes it also scared him. Because it made him feel a connection, a warm sense of comfort that none of the women he had slept with before had been able to give him. Sometimes it almost came close to the feeling of falling in love.

“Hmmm…”, Brian hummed as an answer to Freddie´s question.  
“Give me a minute…I just need to…”, he murmured, his heart still hammering in his chest.

“Of course darling, come on, let´s go over to the bed, get a bit more comfortable.”, Freddie suggested, helping him to stand with a firm grip on his bicep and leading over to his bed, where Brian simply collapsed onto the sheets. 

For a few minutes, he simply laid there, while Freddie helped him with taking off his jeans and underwear properly, as well as his shirt, his hands warm and gentle on Brian´s newly exposed skin. 

Being naked was something that he had previously never really enjoyed too much, especially not when someone else was present. But with Freddie, it felt natural. He wasn´t as insecure about how skinny and gangly he was, how much his bones were showing under his skin, how his body was hairless and pasty in all the wrong places. 

When the singer´s hands carefully took off Brian´s clothes, it felt right. He felt safe, cherished and adored. He felt like he was worth being looked at.

Freddie had turned on the light on his nightstand and Brian´s eyes wandered around the room. There had never been a time when Brian had been over and Freddie´s space hadn´t been a complete mess, even though, through the years, he had noticed that there was a system to the piles of clothes spilling out of the wardrobe and onto the floor, the mess of papers and fabrics on the desk and Freddie´s most prized possession, his record collection, more or less neatly sorted into two shelves on the wall. 

His eyes shifted from a worn and slightly wrinkled Jimmy Hendrix poster above the desk back to Freddie, who was getting undressed as well. There was something very beautiful about the way the soft light shone onto Freddie´s messy hair when he pulled off his black and white shirt, how he stretched his long skinny arms above his head, how the fabrics softly rustled when they fell to the floor to expose more and more bronze skin.

Freddie´s body, although quite hairy in some places, was surprisingly delicate, as Brian had discovered. He was slim, but in a way that suited him, that made him look androgynous and beautifully elegant rather than gangly and long-limbed like Brian. 

The singer opened the buckle of the thick leather belt that he had draped around his hip and it fell to the carpeted floor, then he opened his trouser and pulled them down, together with his underwear. 

Brian eyes lingered on his friend´s cock, hard and slightly shiny at the tip, standing proudly from a nest of coarse dark pubic hair. The urge to touch another man had previously been completely alien to Brian. He couldn´t really explain why seeing his friend´s erection made him want to caress, rub, lick and even kiss it, made him want to feel it pressed against his own when Freddie was jerking them both off at the same time and Brian felt like he could go insane with pleasure.

A slight smirk had manifested on the Persian´s lips as he noticed Brian´s lingering gaze. He laid down next to Brian, on his side, his body turned towards him, inviting him to touch, to feel, to explore.  
Brian scooted closer, then his lips landed on the singer´s shoulder. Freddie´s skin tasted slightly salty, probably because the pub they had played at had been stuffy and hot and Freddie had sweated quite a lot during their performance. 

His mouth wandered to Freddie´s neck, kissing along the line of his sharp jawline while Freddie leaned his head back like a cat that wanted to be petted, humming with delight when Brian´s fingers wandered down his chest and found a nipple, thumbing at it, feeling it harden under his fingertips. 

It always took a little time for Brian to work up the courage to touch him where Freddie needed him most, each time they were close another struggle between what he wanted, what he desired and what people had told him to be wrong for years and years. 

But Brian knew that Freddie would never rush him, would never pressure him, would never be comfortable with anything that wasn´t what Brian wanted. He never begged for Brian to go faster, just laid there, eyes half closed and let Brian look at him, touch him, laying himself bare to his friend, vulnerable and beautiful all the same. 

Freddie turned onto his back, a small smile on his lips when Brian´s fingers gently ran through the thick black hair that grew from his chest down to the concave of his stomach.  
In a sudden rush of curiosity, Brian leaned down and pressed his nose into it, which made Freddie give an adorably surprised little yelp. 

“Darling, what are you doing?”, he asked, laughing and visibly confused.

The hair was slightly coarse, almost like fur although less thick, and it smelled like earth, a little like fresh bread and a lot like Freddie, simply like Freddie. 

“Hmm…just wanted to see what it felt like…on my skin, you know…”, Brian murmured, blushing slightly because he now almost felt silly, but couldn´t help rubbing his cheek against it. 

“I like it…”, he added with a shy smile and Freddie grinned at him, slightly shaking his head in disbelieve.

“Sorry…”, Brian murmured, blushing, wanting to lower his head, already planning to let his hand travel further down Freddie´s body to not keep him waiting any longer but then he felt Freddie´s hand gently cupping his cheek. 

“Brimi, there´s nothing to be sorry for. If there are things that you´d like to try or do, just go for it. That´s what this is for, right?”

Brian nodded, slowly. He knew that it shouldn´t have, but Freddie´s utter acceptance and sweetness were almost painful to experience in combination with the fact that he had once again accentuated the nature of their arrangements. This was for trying out things, just going for them, taking and giving but never going deeper, physical pleasure and nothing more and it stung. 

“In fact…I liked how it felt”, Freddie added. “My body hair´s not something anyone´s ever taken a particular liking to before. Usually they wanted me to shave it.”

“Well, I don´t want you to shave it.”, Brian replied, slightly too quickly to sound casual. He wanted Freddie to know, to know that this meant something to Brian, that he was more to Brian, more than just someone who he slept with and maybe even more than a friend.

Freddie gave a soft little laugh and Brian couldn´t help it, embarrassed by how eager he was, but unable to play it cool, as he pressed a few soft kisses to Freddie´s flat lower belly, nuzzling at his pubic hair, breathing in deeply. 

“Ahhh Brian…”, Freddie sighed so softly, that it made the guitarist´s heart clench and finally he moved his hand down, taking Freddie´s erection into his hand, making the singer sigh once again.  
Brian knew that he lacked the singer´s skill, the ease with which he touched Brian and brought him to completion within minutes without really doing much. Still, he tried, even though the movements of his hand felt clumsy, his wrist stiff and his fingers slightly shaky. 

“That alright?”, Brian asked, slightly uncertain. 

“Yeah, that´s lovely, darling…Go on…I´m close…”, Freddie replied, panting and flushed.

Brian was fascinated as he watched the slightly milky precum spread on the head of Freddie´s cock, whenever his fingers glided over it again. The guitarist didn´t know why, but he felt the overpowering urge to know what it would taste like, what it would feel like on the tip of his tongue and which sound Freddie would make if Brian took him into his mouth. 

“Do I just…lick it?”, Brian asked, a concentrated look on his face, not taking his eyes of Freddie´s considerable length and still tossing him off. 

“W-what?”, Freddie seemed confused, blinking down at him with eyes glazes by lust. He had been nearing the finish line, panting hard when Brian had stopped the movements of his hand entirely. 

“Your cock…do I just…”, Brian repeated and Freddie laughed fondly, his skin shimmering with a thin sheen of sweat. 

“Oh darling, you´ll be the death of me…”, Freddie groaned. “Go on, love…Try it…”, he said in a voice, velvety and warm and Brian felt himself shiver. 

He gave a little nod, then he lowered his head until he was at eye level with his friend´s erection.  
Carefully, he bowed down his head even further and gave the head of Freddie´s cock a tentative little lick that teased a sound from the singer´s lips that was equal parts chuckle and moan. Brian looked up at him, feeling very foolish and inexperienced. 

“Sorry…am I doing it the wrong way?”, he asked, nervously wetting his lips with the tip of his tongue.

Freddie shook his head, smiling at him. 

“No darling…it´s just…that little lick, made you look like an adorable little kitten, it was so cute.”

Brian found himself blushing, biting his lip. 

“I wasn´t laughing about you, dear. You were doing just fine, it felt lovely. Can you do it again? Maybe this time, flatten your tongue a little.”, Freddie asked him, his voice warm and comforting.

Brian nodded, lowering his head again. Holding Freddie´s cock in his hand, he licked a thick, slow stripe from just under the head up to the slit, tasting slightly salty, slightly bitter precome on his tongue.

“Yeah, like that…”, Freddie praised him and treaded his fingers through Brian´s tight curls as the guitarist did it again. The skin on Freddie´s cock was silky smooth on his tongue and became slippery when he licked it. 

Brian struggled to figure out any kind of technique while helplessly trying to suck and keep breathing at the same time. His friend was well endowed, and Brian lacked the skill to take him in much further than just below the head. He tried to make up for it with his hand, gliding up and down, sometimes brushing up against Freddie´s balls, which made him moan loudly. 

Despite Brian´s inexperience, the singer seemed to enjoy himself, his hips giving little jerks, the grip of his hand becoming tighter in Brian´s hair.

As the guitarist got braver and more confident, he tried taking Freddie in deeper, but he spluttered, when he overdid it, the blunt head of Freddie´s prick pushing up against his uvula, making him gag.  
Suddenly he felt a gentle palm on his heated cheek, pulled back and looked up into Freddie´s warm brown eyes and his slightly flushed but smiling face.

“Brimi…Bri…it´s okay…Come here.”, he pulled Brian up to him and tenderly kissed him on the lips, waiting for the guitarist´s breathing to normalize again. 

“I want to be able to look into your eyes when I come…”, he added in a whisper and Brian felt his heart flutter in his chest. It was probably at this moment that he noticed that something between them was changing, that their friendship was slowly moulding into something else. 

Different, but just as close. Just as deep. 

Freddie didn´t make it feel like he had failed at pleasuring him. He cared for Brian, for his wellbeing and therefore had suggested the change in technique. 

Brian took Freddie in his hand again, his prick slick with spit and began tossing him off, Freddie responding with beautiful drawn out moans, finally coming close to his finish line.

When Freddie came, Brian could see his pupils dilating right before the moment he felt his friend´s release hot and wet on his working hand and Freddie closed his eyes in pure bliss. 

Afterwards, they were laying under the covers, the bed surprisingly spacious compared to Brian´s small single bed, although they still held each other as close as possible. A comfortable silence had settled between them while they watched the pale morning light come through the windows of Brian´s bedroom that looked out over an endless row of roofs. 

“Freddie…” Brian´s finger stopped drawing lazy patterns on the Persian´s shoulder. 

“Yes darling…”, the singer´s voice sounded slightly raspy. Tiredly, he blinked up at Brian.

The guitarist felt himself at a need to explain himself. Maybe it was the fact that he had been awake for almost 24 hours. Maybe it was just the odd intimacy of the moment between them.

“I think I´ve…come to a conclusion…”, Brian murmured and suddenly cursed himself for even starting the conversation. Exhaustion and tiredness made his silly heart want to spill the truth, made him yearn to connect with Freddie, tell him his secrets, share so much more with him.

“This is not about Mary….not at all really.”, he said quietly, looking into his friend´s dark eyes to really get his message across.

Freddie nodded and gave a quiet little sigh. Tenderly, he laid a hand on Brian´s cheek, his thumb stroking the slightly stubbly skin. Brian found himself leaning into his friend´s touch, craving the physical contact, the gentleness of it.

“Well that´s good… I´m glad, dear…”, Freddie whispered, his thumb coming to a stop. His eyes seemed huge and dark in the pale morning light. He looked young and vulnerable with his tousled hair and his smudged make up.

“Me too.”, Brian answered, his voice quiet but his words spoken from the heart.

Freddie gave him a shaky smile, his upper lip quivering over his prominent front teeth, while his eyes were focus to Brian´s. His fingers continued to gently stroke Brian´s cheek, his slender finger tracing the contours of the guitarists slim face. 

Brian wanted to say something, but he was once again lost for words. 

Freddie leaned in and kissed Brian, tender and soft, holding Brian close. Brian kissed him back and felt a warm feeling rise in his chest, expanding and then it sunk down to his stomach, tingly and overpowering.

Their lips but parted and they stayed close, looking into each other´s eyes. 

“Are you still sleeping with her?”, Brian found himself asking. He knew that the answer to his question could potentially hurt him. Still, he couldn´t help but wanting to know. 

“Well em…yes…”, Freddie´s voice suddenly sounded very flat.  
Shame was flicking over his friend´s face. 

“At least I´m trying to…”, he added in a murmur and Brian gave him as small nod to let him know that he didn´t have to go on if it made him feel uncomfortable.

“Are you seeing anyone, darling?”, Freddie asked him and forced a smile, even though Brian could tell by the look in his eyes that Freddie had posed the question out of sheer politeness.

“No…”

Brian felt himself unable to look at his friend anymore.

“You know, love…you could go out…date girls, sleep with them. You don´t have to…hold back…just because we´re…”, Freddie said, forcing his smile to become a little bit more encouraging.

“Yeah…yeah I know…”  
Brian nodded, even though his tired and suddenly very emotional brain told him to shake his head and tell Freddie that he wasn´t even interested in seeing anyone else anymore. That he wanted him, needed him.

“Good…that´s good, darling…”, Freddie said and shyly withdrew the hand which had previously been stroking Brian´s cheek, turning onto his back and pulling the duvet higher, closing his eyes and continuing to stay quiet until they both had fallen asleep.

Still, Brian didn´t go out and meet other girls. It was not like he didn´t have the chance to. On their usual weekend pub nights Roger seemed determined to get him to meet as many girls as possible.  
And even though they were all lovely and some of them seemed genuinely interested in or at least not bored by the things he was passionate about, none of them really fascinated him. 

At the same time, it became increasingly difficult to watch Freddie with Mary. They had never been one of those couples who were too affectionate with each other in public.

But even the odd arm Freddie laid around her shoulder or his hand on her hip made Brian feel a burning sensation of tightness in his stomach-area, which he could quite easily but not without reluctance identify as jealousy. 

Still, she seemed to be around increasingly less, missing out on their pub nights or even band practice in the following two weeks, while she would have usually popped around whenever she was off work on Friday nights.

“You and Mary alright, mate?”, Roger even asked Freddie one Wednesday night a week after their gig in Kensington when they were done with practice and Freddie seemed in no hurry to leave their little studio. “Don´t you usually pick her up from work on Wednesdays?”

Freddie had simply shrugged and lit himself a cigarette. 

“She´s going to the cinema with some of the girls from work today. It´s alright…I´m glad she´s making new friends. Besides, I wouldn´t have been able to afford going to the movies today anyways.”

Even though Freddie had forced a smile and tried to seem unbothered, Brian had noticed Roger shooting him a glance that had reminded him of the conversation they had had a few weeks back in Brian´s kitchen.

Roger knew that something was off too or at least he was suspecting it.

Brian knew that it was foul of him to feel like that, but some small part of him was pleased to see Mary around less and less. He usually pushed the feeling away, but sometimes he allowed himself the small pleasure of letting the idea of Freddie being his take over and imagine a world without Mary.

The first time that Brian truly noticed that something was off had been when he witnessed a fight between them on one of their typical Friday pub nights, a week into May. 

Freddie and him had been seeing each other more and more these days, making Roger and John believe that they were working on songs for a possible second album and outfits for future concerts, since they had been getting more and more positive responses from venues a little bigger than just local pubs and student bars. 

And sometimes they were working on those things, late nights in Brian´s bed after they´d spent the previous hours in each other´s arm, writing songs, the notepad propped up on Freddie´s thigh while Brian wrote the words, their creativity running high in these quiet hours, just the two of them.

But spending more time with Freddie also meant that Freddie was slowly spending less and less time with Mary. And it worried Brian. Because even though he was having a hard time managing the increasing jealousy he felt towards his friend´s girlfriend, he still believed that Freddie and Mary were good for each other, that they belonged together.

It had been his idea to not spend the night together on this Friday, to just go out with Roger and John, have a good time and for him to go home alone, leaving Freddie with Mary. 

If Brian was honest with himself, the hated the though of it. He hated thinking about Mary sleeping in Freddie´s bed, the very bed he slept in on two to three out of seven nights, of her in his arms, of her kissing him, touching him. 

And even more, he hated the fact that Freddie hadn´t objected to it. That he hadn´t even tried to persuade Brian to stay with him. Instead, he had simply nodded, suddenly unusually quiet.

He tried to stay away from getting too drunk on this night, not wanting to drown his sorrow in alcohol, simply nursing a pint at the small student bar near Roger and Freddie´s flat they had settled for.  
Some of Freddie´s mates from his fashion course had joined them, mostly girls dressed in fashionable clothes, that were friendly and open, smoked a lot of cigarettes and all seemed platonically in love with their class mate Freddie. 

Brian found it quite lovely to watch Freddie with his friends, how he drank and laughed with the girls, always making sure to include Brian, Roger and even shy Deaky into the conversation. And although Mary laughed along and seemed happy enough, Brian couldn´t help but get the impression that something between them wasn´t quite right. 

She wasn´t as bubbly as usual, slightly more quiet, almost clinging to Freddie, sometimes quietly whispering something in his ear, looking tired. Maybe she was. Maybe it had simply been a tough week at work and she was eager to finally go home and sleep, all cuddled up in her boyfriend´s arms. 

Brian couldn´t resent her for it. It was something he himself would have loved to do at that very moment, even though Freddie wasn´t his boyfriend and would never be. He had to remember that.  
It was around 11 when Brian decided that it was late enough to go home. He felt tired and lonely, even though he was surrounded by people, his friends really. 

Roger tried to persuade him to stay, to have another pint, to not be such an utter bore, but the guitarist managed to weasel his way out of it. Maybe the drummer had noticed how tired Brian had looked and therefore finally given it a rest. 

“Alright mate, get some sleep.”, Roger said, a hand on his shoulder while they gave each other a quick hug. 

“Where´s Fred?”, Brian asked his friend. 

“Probably somewhere outside with Mary. She´s been trying to talk to him all night, been really quiet and all.”, the drummer shrugged. 

“Alright, I´ll try and find him, say good night.”, Brian explained, even though he knew there was no reason to explain why he wanted say good bye to his friend before leaving ang that Roger wouldn´t find it suspicious. 

“Yeah, maybe you´ll be able to rescue him from Mary or something.”, Roger joked, grinning, and Brian tried to muster up a smile, even though the words made him feel like a horrible traitor. 

Brian made his way to the outside of the bar. He only saw a few people, smoking, talking, a couple was standing next to the bus stop on the other side of the road, kissing eagerly but it wasn´t Freddie and Mary. Brian had been ready to go home without saying goodbye to his friends, maybe he would even be able to sleep better without having to see the couple together again, when he looked around the corner of the building and saw them, standing behind the bins. 

Faintly, he could hear their voices, could see the tension in Freddie´s shoulders and the worry on Mary´s features. He knew he should have left right at that moment. But he couldn´t move, frozen to the spot and hidden from their view as he listened to their heated conversation. They, in fact, seemed to be having a fight.

“Look darling, all I´m saying is that I´m tired and that I´d like to go home and just sleep. Is that really so bad?”  
Brian watched Freddie take another drag from his cigarette, noticed the slight jitter in his fingers as he lowered his hand again.

“Are you joking, Freddie?”, Mary sounded very angry.

“Darling, it´s been a long week. I haven´t slept properly in days, I had projects to finish for my course and then there were rehearsals…”, Freddie replied flatly, his voice suddenly very tired and slightly hoarse.

Mary crossed her arms in front of her chest, taking in a deep breath as if she tried to calm herself down.  
“Oh yeah?! Well maybe you´ve forgotten because you´ve been too busy with all the exciting things happening in your life, but I´ve worked six ten hours shifts at the store last week!”

She stole the cigarette from Freddie´s hand and took a long drag from it. Brian watched Freddie´s features soften, as he leaned in to her, his tone much more gentle.

“Sweetheart, I know…I know that you´re working hard!”

Mary shook her head and looked up at Freddie, her eyes big and blue and full of a deep sadness that had lingered inside of them for the whole evening but now was coming to full show.

“And all that´s gotten me through this week was the thought that tonight, we would have some time to ourselves, Freddie…”

She leaned in, throwing the cigarette to the ground and cupped his face in both her hands.

“I miss you…”, her voice was soft, her tone so tender, so full of fondness that it made Brian´s heart clench. She loved him, she really did.

“But I´m here, darling.”, Freddie murmured but Brian could see him slightly lowering his head, probably averting his gaze. 

“No, you´re not, Freddie.”, she said, her thumb stroking over his left temple, playing with one of the unruly strands of his fringe. “Your head´s always somewhere else…”

“Darling…that´s not true…”, the exhaustion was evident in Freddie´s voice and he sounded tired. God, so tired. Of lying, of pretending, of hiding. 

Mary shook her head, a harsh urgency to her words as she spoke again. Her hands had stopped tenderly caressing his face and now laid on his shoulders. 

“Look me in the eyes, Freddie. Look me in the eyes and tell me it´s not true!”  
Brian saw the fear in her eyes, masked by anger. 

“No…look at me!”, she demanded, her voice breaking. She grabbed hold of both of his wrists when he wanted to turn away.

Freddie hissed in pain. Brian reckoned that her nails were digging into his skin. If there was something the singer hated, then it was being grabbed, being held down like this. Brian remembered an incident where Freddie had been wanting to cross the street, not locking at the traffic light and Roger had saved him from getting run over by a car by grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him back.

Freddie had pushed Roger off of him as if his touch had burned him. 

“Darling, please, you´re hurting me…please…let go of my wrists…”, the singer said, his voice strained and thin, fear in his dark eyes.

“No…”, Brian saw Mary holding onto him even tighter. “Freddie look at me please! Tell me what´s going on already!”

“Please…please let go of me…”, there was now obvious pain in Freddie´s voice and Brian struggled to supress the urge to get involved and help his friend. But Mary seemed to notice how distressed her boyfriend sounded and she let go of his wrists. 

Freddie was shaking, his face flushed with shame, rubbing his wrist with his hand to soothe the skin.

“You barely ever touch me anymore when we´re together.”, Mary´s voice was quieter now, but she still seemed very agitated. “It´s like it´s a chore to you. Wash the dishes, fold socks, go down on my girlfriend and make sure she comes as quickly as possible so she´ll leave me be.”

Brian watched the singer lower his head in shame.

“Freddie…say something, please…”, she demanded, her voice wavering, her hands jittery.  
“If you don´t love me anymore that´s fine just…”

“No! “, Freddie interrupted her, his eyes burning with urgency. “No, of course I love you, darling…” He took a shuddering breath, stepping closer to her again, a hand on her shoulder “I love you so much, Mary…so so much…”, Brian heard his friend murmur.

Mary nodded, her shoulders slightly hunched and then Freddie took her into his arms, holding her, as she buried her face into the crook of his neck. Brian could see Freddie´s hand gently running over her back, stroking it to calm her, maybe even calm himself. 

Several minutes passed until Mary lifted her head and Brian heard her quietly say, “I think I´m going to go home now. As you said, it´s been a long week.”  
Freddie nodded, his arms still around her, his face close to hers.

“Okay…Stay safe, yes darling? Do you have enough money for the bus?”, he asked her and Mary nodded her head. “Yes…Mum gave me a tenner before I left.”

“Good…that´s good.”, Freddie replied and gave her a wobbly smile, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb, brushing trough a few strands of blonde hair.

They still held each other, caught up in each other, arms slung around each other, neither one of them wanting to let go. 

“I love you too, Freddie…”, Brian heard her say very quietly and then lean against him again, the singer holding her even tighter.

They stood still, Mary´s breathing slightly uneven, as if she was crying softly into her boyfriend´s shoulder.

Freddie rubbed her back comfortingly, whispering something into her ear and gently kissing her cheek and forehead, speaking too quietly for Brian to understand.  
After a while, she raised her head and Freddie tenderly kissed her cheek.

Brian saw that she had in fact been crying, her cheeks shimmering wetly in the dim light of the alley, her mascara slightly smudged.

“Can you at least walk me to the bus stop?”, she asked him, sniffling and he lovingly kissed her temple and smiled at her.

“Of course, my love. Come on, I´ll stay until the bus arrives.”, they pulled away from each other, but he held her hand when they started walking towards the street and over to the bus stop.

“And I´ll pay for your ticket.”, Brian heard Freddie say as he hid behind the shadows of the street lights and the bins. The feeling of watching his friends walk away came close to waking up on the horribly hungover morning after their first night together. 

Freddie and Mary, arm in arm, hand in hand and still loving each other despite all their problems, despite everything. Brian felt horrible. For eavesdropping on them, for ever saying yes to this, for always wanting more and for wanting him, wanting Freddie for himself and only himself.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thursday update, here we go!  
> Our boys are taking the next steps in their...let´s not call it a relationship quite yet although poor Brian finds it more and more difficult to not think of it as that. Let´s see where this goes...  
> Hope you´re all well and having a lovely day! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Brian had noticed himself getting irresponsible and it filled him with utter terror. 

Of course he´d heard before that being in love could make one do these things. That it could make one forget about the consequences of one´s actions, caused simply by the overbearing need, the sheer and all-consuming desire to be with the other person. 

He had heard about it in love songs on the radio, seen it in the movies and sometimes even listened to friends talking about it, their eyes glazed, a smile tugging at their lips that never quite seemed to leave. 

Being in love made one do foolish things, Brian had thought and had always been slightly scared of this utterly curious state ever befalling him. His studies had always been a much saver option, sometimes even music. Harmonies and rhythms, they all followed a pattern that he could comfortably go by, there were rules to them.

But now, things had changed and even though Brian had been frightened of it before, he slowly learned to embrace this state of emotional chaos that Freddie had introduced into his neat little life.  
Brian caught himself doing, saying, even thinking about things that he had never before even considered before.

Being with Freddie, spending time with Freddie, being close to Freddie had slowly become so important to him, that he definitely had slacked on other things. And while he tried to hold up the façade of being the same studious, quiet and polite Brian May that he had been a mere month ago, he found himself struggling with it. 

On those nights when he wasn´t with Freddie, he would try to cram in all his course work and studying, spending long hours on his desk and working way past midnight, burning himself out to the point where it was three in the morning on a normal week night and he had his nine am lecture in the morning. 

During those, he could barely keep his eyes open, even though he always tried to push through it. He sometimes fell asleep on the bus or on the tube, missing his stop more than once and, when he woke from his involuntary slumber, found himself in a part of London that he´d never been to before, utterly lost. 

Still, sometimes Brian was so tired that even on the nights when Freddie was around, he couldn´t keep his eyes open for long, especially when his friend had brought some weed and they would share a joint after the singer had dragged him away from his books, Brian´s head resting on Freddie´s belly while the singer massaged his scalp with skilled, gentle fingers. 

Brian blinked tiredly, his eyes falling closed over and over again, feeling warm and content from the weed and Freddie´s company. He allowed himself to slip into the gentle flow of letting his thoughts wander, taking deep even breaths, his limbs feeling pleasantly heavy.  
His head was hurting a little with exhaustion and he closed his eyes with a soft sigh.

“Are you falling asleep on me, darling?”, Freddie´s face was suddenly over him and his friend gave a soft chuckle as he tenderly caressed Brian´s aching temple with his fingertips.

“Sorry…”, Brian murmured, trying to supress a yawn, but Freddie would have none of it.

“Come on, dear. Just have a little rest…”, the singer said, his tone full of warmth and understanding as he helped Brian sit up and then lay down onto his back. Then he simply dropped the blunt in one of the mugs of tea they had had before, which were still standing on Brian´s slightly cluttered nightstand.

Gentle hands helped Brian out of his jeans and shirt, he could hear Freddie humming a small melody into his ear while he undid the buttons, pulled the fabric over Brian´s messy head of curls.

“Sounds beautiful…”, Brian murmured, his eyes only half open. His mind was clinging on to the melody from Freddie´s lips, the room seemed to be bathed in soft light and Freddie´s eyes had the colour of freshly brewed and particularly strong earl grey when he looked at Brian and smiled.

“Thank you, darling. It´s something new I´m working on…”, the singer replied, while he took off Brian´s socks. 

Freddie continued to hum softly as he went over to his wardrobe, rummaging around for a pair of flannel pyjamas. He chose a pair that Brian´s mum had given him for his birthday a few years ago and that he loved but was also slightly embarrassed about because they looked like they belonged to an old man, green and white striped with little brown buttons. 

“There´s no living in my life anymore…the seas have gone dry and the rain stopped falling…”, Freddie sang quietly to the melody he had hummed before and Brian sat up while the singer helped him put on his pyjamas, paying careful attention to each little brown button to close the soft flannel shirt. 

“There we go, much more comfy…”, the Persian said with a pleased smile and Brian looked at him, his eyes barely open anymore, a small frown still appearing on his tired face.  
“Don´t stop…it sounded lovely…”, he murmured, sinking back into the pillows. 

“Well, there´s not much more to it yet…”, Freddie replied, folding Brian´s shirt and jeans into a neat little pile, walking over to his chair and placing it there so his clothes wouldn´t crease.

“I can help you with the lyrics…”, Brian said, his voice hoarse with tiredness, his speech slightly slurred.

“That would be lovely, dear…”, he watched Freddie grin at him as he decided to hang Brian´s shirt over the chair instead of leaving in its folded state. 

Brian couldn´t help but smile at the singer. Being so utterly caring and kind to his friends seemed to be something that came natural to Freddie, as the guitarist had noticed many a time before. But this, Freddie helping him undress, his touch nothing but gentle, folding away his clothes and even tucking him into bed, it felt domestic. It felt comfortable and safe and in the bottom of his heart, he secretly wished, hoped that he was the only one Freddie did these things for. Although he knew that he wasn´t. Freddie had a girlfriend after all.

“You´re so sweet, Fred…”, he slurred, tiredness making his lips loose and his brain overemotional once again. 

“Well, that´s because I love taking care of you, darling. That´s what friends are for, right?”, Freddie gave him a smile, his eyes so full of warmth.  
Still, Brian´s sleepy brain couldn´t help but pick up on the fact that Freddie had once again stressed the fact that they were friends, that this was something he´d do for anyone of his friends. 

Freddie came back to the bed, sitting down on the duvet, next to Brian.

“Do you want me to go home, Brimi?”, he asked, his voice slightly lowered, while he pulled the duvet up a little higher towards Brian´s chin.

The guitarist shook his head. “No. Why would I?”

Freddie smiled and gently smoothed a few locks of hair from Brian´s forehead. There was something so tender in his dark eyes that it made Brian hope again, made his foolish heart flutter in his chest like the wings of a small eager bird.

“Don´t want to disturb your beauty sleep, dear.”

Brian´s hand slipped out from under the duvet towards Freddie´s fingers, shyly brushing up against them.

“It´s alright, Freddie. I can sleep just fine when you´re here. Please…stay…”, the guitarist said and then, with a nervous little smile, he nodded over to the wardrobe.  
“There´s another pair of pyjamas, you know…though you might get a bit cold, always sleeping in your underwear.”

He almost felt silly, the words leaving his mouth in a tired jumble, nervous and much less casual than Brian had hoped for them to sound. But Freddie, gentle, sweet Freddie suddenly had a twinkle in his eyes, teeth peeking out from under his upper lip as he smiled brightly at Brian.

“In your wardrobe?”

“Yeah…down on that bottom shelf…”

Brian watched Freddie walk over to the wardrobe, humming again while he rummaged through the drawers. He pulled out a pair that was plain blue.

“Those are so soft…”, Freddie sighed, feeling the material between his fingers and then even rubbing his cheek against them. Brian couldn´t supress a cheeky chuckle as Freddie, seemingly very excited, stripped down to his underwear and then pulled on his new nightclothes. 

The guitarist couldn´t help but notice how much he liked the sight of the singer in his clothes. They were slightly too long for him, especially on the arms and legs, but it made the Persian look even more delicate and utterly adorable. 

Freddie left his clothes in a pile on the floor and then, with a smile that was almost shy, came back to bed. There was something comfortably domestic about the whole scene, Freddie climbing into bed next to him, getting cosy while Brian turned off the light on his nightstand. 

Brian´s single bed was way too narrow for the both of them, but Freddie never complained. He naturally snuggled up to Brian, waiting for the curly haired man to lay his arms around him so he could rest his head on Brian´s chest. 

Something inside the guitarist was telling him that cuddling this much with someone you only had a very casual things going with while still trying to be friends was not a good idea.  
Brian didn´t really know about these kinds of things, he hadn´t ever thought about them before. 

He was a proper guy, someone who´d always hoped to meet the love of his life, a girl of course, in his early twenties, take her on proper little dates to the movies and for a coffee in the afternoon, ask her to hold her hand on the third and kiss her on the fifth date and then maybe, after about a few more weeks, would try anything that went further than sweet little pecks on the cheek and the lips. 

But here he was, not exactly holding a girl, not exactly holding himself back on anything that went further than kissing...

“They smell like you…”, Freddie murmured and ripped Brian from his thoughts. He noticed how Freddie was holding the sleeve of the soft flannel shirt of the pyjamas up to his nose, a little smile on his lips. 

“And tomorrow morning, they´ll smell like you…”, Brian replied and Freddie raised his head, tilting it back a little to look up at him.  
Brian knew that he´d be lying to himself if he denied that he would burry his nose in the fabric on the following morning once Freddie had left, maybe even later, at night, when he was alone again and he missed the feeling of being held by his friend, missed his company.

A sudden fear creeped up on him, a fear of being too open, too vulnerable, a sudden need to lower his gaze, to not let Freddie see it all, see all those feelings that had grown inside of him over the past weeks. 

Desperately, he scrambled for words that would mask those emotions, that would keep Freddie from seeing, from realizing. 

“I´m sorry that we didn´t…tonight…”, Brian murmured, giving an apologetic and close lipped smile to Freddie. 

“Darling…do you really think I only come here so we can get it on?”, the Persian looked at him, eyes wide and urgent, his hand reaching for Brian´s under the duvet and squeezing it.  
“Because I don’t, Brimi…I come here because I like spending time with you…”, he added, his eyes dark and soft. 

Gently, Brian placed a hand on Freddie´s cheek. 

“I´m glad, Freddie. I love spending time with you as well.”, he said, his voice heavy with emotions that he could barely conceal anymore. Freddie leaned in, the tip of his nose brushing up against Brian´s and kissed him, carefree and gentle, sleepy kisses traded in the dark that made Brian sigh. 

It was one of those kisses, so different from the ones they share when they hurriedly took each other´s clothes off, eager to feel skin on skin, eager to experience, to explore, to satisfy a need.  
This kiss was sweet, tender, slow. And it made Brian´s heart hurt with how much he was feeling all at once. 

Freddie pulled away, pressing one last little peck to Brian´s lips and then settling down, snuggling up to him.

Brian´s mind was running on overdrive. His body was screaming for sleep, but still he couldn´t stop his thoughts from spiralling into endless meanders of questions. 

This, holding Freddie while falling asleep, should not have felt this good. It should have not been something he craved when he went to bed at night, feeling cold and alone and longing for his friend´s embrace.

The fact that Freddie could be this sweet, this caring and gentle with him, never demanding, giving him so much, caring for him, allowing Brian to get all to comfortable in these new conditions of their friendship, made him hope. And hope was a dangerous thing, Brian knew that. 

Hope was what broke people´s hearts.

Sometimes, when Brian had found himself falling more and more, yearning, hoping and wishing after nights like these with Freddie, he was almost glad to experience another side of him, the side that mostly came to light when things between him and Mary were difficult again, when they´d had another fight, another misunderstanding, another issue, however small, that had made them drift further apart. 

At this point, Brian was able to sense it without Freddie even saying a single word. 

Freddie never said anything about it, but Brian could tell. They all could. 

The way he would strut into the studio, loud-mouthed and snappy, that little edge to the way he sung, to the way he played the piano, something burning inside of him, a twinkle in his dark eyes, always on edge.

Brian knew what would happen after they were done rehearsing, he knew that he wouldn´t spend the night alone. The guitarist felt bad for it, but he craved those nights just as much as the ones when Freddie held him, kissed him goodnight softly and gazed into his eyes without fear.

This side of Freddie, restless, eager, aggressive, unleashed something inside of him, allowed him to give in to his desires, to those needs and fantasies he never knew he had.

“Not going out with Mary tonight, Fred?”, Roger would ask when they were packing up after they were done in the studio. 

And where Freddie would usually have turned it into a little joke, saying what a social butterfly his girlfriend had become and how glad he was that she was making friends at work and having a good time, he was now simply shrugging and lighting himself a cigarette. 

“Don´t know what she´s up to tonight, dear. Frankly I don´t particularly care so I don´t know why you should.”, Freddie replied while putting on his brown fur coat, leaving Roger frowning at him.  
“Alright, who wants to go for a beer?”

“Again? We´ve already been to the pub two times this week.”, Deaky would reply but Freddie would simply roll his eyes at him. 

“So? You guys coming or not? I´m thirsty…”

Most of the time, Roger would be fed up with Freddie´s agitated mood and tag along less and less frequently. Brian could only imagine what it was like in the flat when both of them were around and Freddie was like this.  
“Na mate, I´ll pass. See you tomorrow, I´m off to Eileen´s.”

Once they´d arrived at the pub, Deaky would never stay for long either, listening to Freddie ramble on about plans for upcoming gigs and things they urgently needed to improve on their songs, their wardrobe or their overall appearance as a band before they could even try to get into this club or that bar. 

Sometimes Brian almost felt sorry for poor John, even though Freddie usually turned his endless critique and ideas for improvement down, once he saw John´s greenish eyes turn glazed and overwhelmed.  
“I´m sorry, Deaky. I´m not in a good place tonight…”, he would apologize to their bassist after a while.

“It´s okay, Fred. I understand…”, John would say and something in his eyes, maybe a sliver of knowing, would make Brian feel his stomach clench in fear.

Did Deaky know? Was he suspecting something? 

The thought filled Brian with terror. John was one of their best friends, he was kind and open-minded and despite his young age, he never seemed immature. Would he mind it? Would things change if he knew?

Sometimes Brian yearned to tell someone about it, to share all those confusing feelings and thoughts in his head and heart with someone who might even understand. But he couldn´t. 

“You got any important essays to write tonight, darling?”, Freddie asked him, his voice a husky murmur.

Deaky had left to go home, rambling something about being tired and having an 9 am the next morning and the both of them had sat in their both, finishing their pints while Brian had wrecked his brain for a way to ask Freddie about his plans for tonight without making a complete idiot of himself.

“No…”, Brian replied, his voice just as low, although to him it sounded much too eager still. Maybe he should have waited for a few seconds before answering, pretended to think, to ponder if he was in the mood, tell Freddie that he had something better to do, something cool and rebellious like smoking weed and…

“Alright, lovely. So you´re coming home with me.”, Freddie interrupted his train of thought, a smug little smile on his face that stayed there until Brian kissed it away once they had reached the privacy of Freddie´s room an hour later, the singer´s eager hands tugging at his clothes. 

“I want you to fuck me…”, Freddie whispered in Brian´s ear and the guitarist felt himself blushing heavily, lost for words. He was on top of Freddie on his bed, both of them panting and rutting against each other.

Brian´s shirt was undone already and his trouser were open, Freddie´s hand lingering on top of the thin trail of blondish hair below Brian´s navel.

Freddie seemed to notice his slight reluctance to simply just proceed.

If he was being honest with himself, Brian didn´t even really know what his friend´s words meant. Of course he was aware of the fact that two men could have sex with each other and that it surely would involve penetration of some sorts, but anything else was really quite nebulous to him.

“Do you not want to?”, Freddie asked him, his dark eyes full nervous want. 

The guitarist felt his friend´s hand reach down further into his trousers, palming his already half-hard cock through his underwear.

“I do want to…”, Brian rasped and Freddie nodded quickly, seemingly aware of the fact that his friend needed that little extra push into the right direction. 

“Come on, take off your clothes…”, Freddie murmured with a quick nod.  
Brian´s finger felt clumsy and numb when he took off his shirt, pulled down his jeans and then his underwear, leaving him in his socks, which he carefully peeled from his feet. At this point, he felt like it might have been his last chance to ask what exactly Freddie had in mind, but then he felt silly and simply proceeded to watch the Persian take off his clothes in record speed. 

Brian had to admit that he liked it much better when they undressed each other, taking their time, kissing, exploring, gentle hands that sneaked under the fabric of his shirt, slowly taking away layer after layer until they were finally bare and sunk into each other´s arms, the feeling of skin on skin so good that it made Brian feel like he was drunk. 

But that did not seem to be what Freddie had in mind for tonight. 

Brian leaned in to kiss him and his lips were nervous, hasty while he pulled the guitarist closer again. 

“Wait…let me just…”, Brian watched Freddie take his fingers into his mouth, sucking on them coating them in his spit. The sight of it made his prick harden fully, the way his friend´s cheeks would hollow reminding him of other pleasures they had shared before. 

To Brian´s great surprise, the singer reached down after releasing his fingers from his mouth, raising his hips slightly until his fingers disappeared in the narrow, warm space between their bodies.

“Fuck!”, Brian could hear Freddie swear as he felt his hand moving and noticed that his friend´s narrow fingers had disappeared between his butt cheeks.

Slowly, it started to dawn on him what Freddie was doing down there and he suddenly felt very hot, dizzy almost.

So this was what was going to happen. He almost felt tempted to ask Freddie if he could watch, but it felt too awkward to do so. 

Instead, he simply concentrated on the motion of Freddie pushing a finger into himself, slowly pulling out and doing it again, his tempo increasing as the back off his hand brushed up against Brian´s erection from time to time.

The Persian sighed softly. Brian reckoned he had inserted another finger into himself.

Freddie seemed to notice that Brian was watching him so closely. A flush was spreading up the singer´s neck, he was panting softly and with a little grunt that made his eyes flutter shut for a second and a sliver of discomfort showing on his face, he seemed to push his finger´s in with more force.

“Sorry…just a minute…almost done…”, he panted, his arm straining at an awkward angle.

“That´s alright…”, Brian said, blushing as well. “Take your time…”, he added, smiling helplessly. 

Freddie gave a breathless chuckle. Suddenly, there was a very soft expression in his dark eyes as he looked up at Brian. 

“You´re a sweetheart, Brimi…”, he whispered and then proceeded to work a third finger into himself.

Two things dawned on Brian. Firstly, he started to realise that this was probably not the first time Freddie was in this position with another man. Freddie knew what he doing, he knew where he wanted this to go. 

Secondly, he started to ask himself why Freddie seemed to find it especially sweet of him to make sure that his friend was alright while being with him, allowing him to take his time. It pained Brian to think about the fact that there had probably been other people, other men, who had not allowed Freddie this so called luxury of going as slow as he needed. 

“Okay, I´m ready, darling…”

Freddie´s words rose Brian from his thoughts. He gave a little groan when he pulled out his fingers. Although the process of preparing himself for Brian didn´t seem to have been entirely unpleasant to him, there still seemed to be a slight discomfort, maybe even pain to it.

It scared Brian, making him feel ashamed of the fact that something much larger than Freddie´s slim fingers, like his cock, could hurt the singer.

“Have you done anal before…you know, with a girl?”, Freddie asked, the words coming from his mouth without any hesitation. He definitely was used to this.

“No…”, Brian admitted, feeling his palms go sweaty.

His last girlfriend and him had only had what most people these days would call vanilla sex, tender lovemaking under the covers of Brian´s bed with the lights out, sweet and slightly awkward, her soft little moans in Brian´s ear while he urgently tried to keep his thrusts gentle and shallow, waiting for her breath to hitch slightly, indicating that she was enjoying it at least a little while holding back on his own orgasm until he felt about ready to burst and still leaving her slightly unsatisfied afterwards, as if she was offended by the fact that he had dared to have such an unsophisticated and messy thing as an orgasm at all.

“Right…”, Freddie said matter-of-factly.“It´s a bit different than with a girl…bit tighter and less wet. You spit in your hand and then you give your dick a few nice thorough strokes, yeah? And then you go slow…”, he explained.

“Okay…”, Brian answered, trying to calm himself down. He spat into the palm of his hand and then he reached down, coating his cock with the slippery substance while trying not to jerk himself off at the same time. 

He felt like he was 19 all over again, about to lose his virginity to a girl from first year algebra course after their first pub crawl, drunk and nervous, trying to hide the fact that this was his first time. 

Freddie pushed up on his elbows, looking up at Brian, an almost sweet smile playing at his lips. Brian watched him spread his legs as far as he could while pulling the guitarist closer at the same time. 

“You alright, love?”, Freddie asked him, his hand gently brushing against Brian´s cheek. 

“Yeah…”, Brian panted with a quick little nod, struggling to conceal that he really did not know what to do.

Freddie took hold of Brian´s hands, placing them onto his hips, pulling Brian even closer so he was now leaning over him. His cock brushed up against the soft, plumb skin of Freddie´s butt cheek and Brian supressed a moan. 

Was he supposed to just go for it? Was he supposed to simply take hold of Freddie´s hips and push into him?

Once again, Brian watched Freddie lick his fingers and then reach down, a concentrated look on his face.

“Ah Fred…”, Brian gasped as his singer´s hand closed around his erection, slicking him up while tossing him off at the same time.

“Feels good, Bri?”, he asked, his voice slightly breathy.

“Yeah…really good…”, Brian replied, fighting himself to keep his eyes from closing and simply giving into the electrifying feeling that Freddie´s touch provided to him.

“It´s going to feel even better once you´re in me…”, Freddie said without even blushing, his hand giving Brian one final firm tug before pulling back. 

Brian swallowed thickly while he positioned himself above Freddie, reaching between them, the tip of his cock now prushing against Freddie´s entrance.

“Don´t think too much…just do it…”, Freddie whispered against his lips and kissed him hungrily. And then Brian went for. Slowly, he started pushing in, feeling more and more of his length disappear inside the other man´s body. 

He was vaguely aware of Freddie´s panting getting a little louder, of the singer´s blunt nails digging into his bicep.

The moment seemed to last for ages, Brian´s whole body was tense, his breaths shallow and quick, until, with a low groan, he noticed that he was fully sheathed inside his friend.  
Brian sucked in a sharp breath. The feeling was incredible, so tight that it almost hurt, burning, hot, absolutely mind-blowing. 

“Oh my god…”, he groaned, his mouth slightly hanging open, his eyes squeezed shut tightly. “Sorry, sorry… I need a sec…”

“That´s alright, dear…”, he heard Freddie sighing, warm, gentle hands stroking up his arms.  
Brian noticed that a thin sheen of perspiration was covering his whole body. 

“You feel so good already…”, Freddie almost sounded like he was far away, his speech slightly slurred, the words echoing in Brian´s mind. 

Brian felt like he could come any second, desperately trying to hold it back, to not concentrate on the soft little sighs that he heard from Freddie´s mouth as he started to wriggle slightly underneath him, as if he was trying to get Brian to thrust into him already.

He was trying to take deep, even breaths, slowly feeling himself taking a step back, the incredible feeling of the height of pleasure slowly fading out of close reach again. 

“Move…Come on, Brimi, move…”, he heard the singer plead and opened his eyes again.

Freddie looked like pure sin. His long hair contrasted beautifully with the slight off-white of the bedsheets, his lips were slightly swollen and red from their previous kisses. Sweat was shimmering on his collarbones, his neck looked delicate and so lovely that Brian could barely suppress the urge to touch it, lick it, suck on it.

He was beautiful in an almost feminine way and Brian felt himself falling even more for the singer.

With a low groan he started moving, slow, deep thrusts that left Freddie moaning and clenching around him.

“Yes…fuck yes…”, Freddie groaned, the movements of his lower half meeting those of Brian´s hips with practised ease. Brian´s hands held tightly onto Freddie´s hips and the singer was opening his legs even further, allowing his incredibly flexible body to take Brian even deeper. 

It felt like heaven, but it was quickly having an effect on Brian.

“No…no, stop I´m going to come…”, he groaned in an almost desperate attempt to hold himself back.

Freddie laughed, an airy, soft sound and just cradled Brian´s face in his warm, slender hands. “I don´t mind, darling…I want you to come…”  
There was an almost tender expression in his dark eyes. 

Brian himself gave a breathy laugh, embarrassed, flustered and suddenly so very happy to be there, with Freddie, in this bed.  
They kissed, giggling and panting against each other´s lips, kisses so sweet and playful.

Time suddenly seemed to be a concept that Brian´s brain couldn´t fathom anymore. 

His hips seemed to move on their own accord, his body taking the lead.

His movements wrung breathy little moans from the Persian, Brian could feel Freddie hooking his legs around his hips, pulling Brian even closer with every thrust.

“Shit, shit, shit…fuck…”, he swore, clenching his jaw, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to hold back. He felt like he hadn´t even gotten going properly yet, his hips jerking helplessly, meeting Freddie´s skilled movements under him, unfocused, stuttering, the tightness in his loins becoming almost unbearable.

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and managed two, three, four more deep, hard thrusts before he finally had to give in. 

“Ah…ah…Oh my god…”, he groaned as he felt his prick pulsing, his orgasm washing over him like a gigantic wave that first swallowed him up and then made him float underwater.  
Breathing hard, he pulled out, making Freddie hiss quietly and then sank down next to him, sweaty face buried half inside the pillow, half into his friend´s shoulder.

“S-sorry”, Brian managed to babble,”…sorry I came so fast…”

“That´s alright, Brimi…It´s alright”, Freddie warm breath was ghosting over his damp skin, then he pressed a small peck to Brian´s shoulder, making Brian shiver, his body suddenly very sensitive.  
“…Shh, it´s okay…”, Freddie whispered, slinging an arm around Brian, holding him. 

The guitarist needed another moment to finally find his way back to reality. When he opened his eyes, Freddie´s face was close to him, flushed, the unruly strands of his fringe sticking to his forehead with sweat. 

“You´re not cross with me?”, Brian asked tentatively, turning more onto his side. 

Freddie´s brows rose, an amused little smile on his lips.  
“Why would I be cross with you?”

Brian gave a little sigh, lowering his gaze as he continued.  
“My ex-girlfriend…she used to get quite cross when I came too fast. She said it wasn´t very…gentlemanly of me…and not very romantic because it was over so soon.”

Freddie chuckled softly.  
“Well, I´m not your ex-girlfriend, am I darling?”, he replied with a smug little smile. 

Brian´s smile was slightly forced, didn´t reach his hazel eyes.  
“No…no you´re not…”, he said, the words coming out a little slower than usual. 

“Well there you are. I´m not cross…”, Freddie smiled at him, seemingly quite pleased with himself. 

Brian gave a soft little hum of approval, even though he couldn´t shake it, the feeling that Freddie´s words had left inside of him, like a little pinch with a needle rigth to the heart.

Yes, Freddie wasn´t his girlfriend. He wasn´t Brian´s partner, his significant other, his love. He wasn´t someone whose hand Brian could hold when they were walking down the street, he wasn´t someone who he could kiss at the movies when it was dark and no one would look, he wasn´t someone who he would bring flowers on their Saturday date nights, just as a little gift because he knew that Freddie loved flowers.

And the problems with all of this utterly confusing mess they had gotten themselves into over the last weeks was that Brian wanted these things, yearned for these things. His stupid, hopeful heart called out for them in moments like these. 

Brian´s hand, previously placed onto Freddie´s chest, gently stroking through the dark hair that grew there, slowly started to travel down his torso, when the guitarist noticed the bulge of Freddie´s still very much hard prick under the covers. 

He had to push those thoughts away, those silly fantasies of things that could never be and that Freddie probably did not want. He had made it very clear to Brian when they had started this that they were simply having fun.

The guitarist felt like he had to at least make it up to his friend that he had just come after five embarrassing minutes of shagging him like a teenage virgin. 

Freddie gave an exquisitely soft moan when Brian´s hand disappeared under the duvet and reached for the Persian´s erection, starting to jerk him off. Fast-paced shallow stroked, just like Freddie loved it, quickly becoming messy and wet with the singers precum. 

Brian was good at remembering things, so it was very easy for him to recall what would please his friend the most. 

Still tossing him off, he leaned over and gave one of Freddie´s nipples a long, wet lick, that made the singer jump. He closed his lips around the rosy little nub, sucking on it. 

“Oh Brian…”, Freddie moaned, slightly more high pitched than usual when the guitarist gave the little nub a gentle nibble with his teeth, quickly adding a few soothing licks afterwards and then blowing a stream of warm air onto it, the skin sensitive and red.

Freddie threaded his hands into Brian´s curls, his nails lightly scratching Brian´s scalp when the guitarist decided to let his kisses wander down the singer´s lean torso.

Brian quickly decided that he had to try again when his lips reached Freddie´s sharp hip bone. 

“Brimi…Bri, what are you doing…”, Freddie started giggling, when Brian´s kisses started travelling further down and he disappeared under the duvet.  
“Oh my God…what are you doing down th -ah fuck!”

Brian´s hand on his prick had stilled, but the guitarist had taken the head into his mouth, sucking on it before letting it glide a little further into his mouth, as far as he could manage without gagging.  
It was hot and stuffy under the duvet but to Brian, there was something utterly satisfying about the way he was now able to wring breathy moans from his friend by using his mouth on him. It almost filled him with a sense of pride.

He didn´t push himself to take Freddie in further, simply focusing on doing the right things, pushing the right buttons, keeping the right pace.

And it was working. Freddie started doing those little jerking motions with his hips and his breathing hitched every time Brian sucked hard at the head of his cock, only to then let his tongue swirl around it, his fingers pushing down the foreskin. 

A slightly bitter taste was lingering on the tip of Brian´s tongue whenever he ran it across the frenulum and he curiously continued to lick and suck, the taste becoming more intense while Freddie moaned brokenly, his thighs trembling. 

“Bri…Bri, I´m going to…I´m going to…”, he rasped but Brian didn´t even think about finishing him off with his hand and kept working his friend´s prick with eager lips.

“Oh…fuck yes…Bri…ahhhh…”

Suddenly, something that tasted slightly bitter, almost earthy and a little salty at the same time was filling his mouth and Brian simply swallowed, desperately trying to breath through his nose and not splutter. He released Freddie´s cock from his mouth when he felt like he had simply sucked him dry, resurfacing from the duvet, gasping for ear.

Freddie looked positively blissed out, eyes shut and only fluttering open when Brian returned to his side, a satisfied little smile tugging at his lips. 

“That was so fucking good…”, Freddie slurred, his palm running over Brian´s sweat dampened back and neck, up his arm and back towards his side, as he simply couldn´t get enough of touching Brian. The singer almost seemed drunk on pleasure and Brian loved it. 

“Glad you liked it.”, Brian replied and couldn´t help but smile, pride making him flush, pulling Freddie even closer.

Without hesitation, the singer leaned in to kiss him, starting with small, close-lipped pecks, almost innocent. They held each other, trading those sweet, gentle kisses, caressing each other.  
Still, Brian could not come down from his high yet. He had gotten hard again during the blowjob and when Freddie pulled him closer to deepen the kiss, the guitarist´s erection brushed up against his thigh, making both of them moan. 

Freddie tongue licked over Brian´s bottom lip, asking for permission, his wish being granted as Brian opened his lips and felt Freddie´s clever tongue lick up against his, teasing him. 

“I can taste myself on your tongue…”, Freddie whispered, pulling back slightly and his words made Brian shiver with want while his head was screaming at him how utterly filthy it was what they were doing. 

The singer laughed softly, cradling Brian´s face in his hands and then kissed him again, deeper this time but slow, as if he wanted to savour the taste of Brian´s mouth, licking, teasing, making Brian grow restless and hard again. 

“Fred…”, Brian moaned into his friend´s mouth, his hips starting to rock back against Freddie´s slim thigh.  
He felt like a desperate teenage boy, maybe even like a bother, but the worry was quickly taken from him.

“You wanna go again?”, Freddie asked, already pulling Brian back on top of him. 

“Yeah…god, yes Freddie…”, the guitarist replied, diving into another bruising kiss, pushing his hips down against Freddie´s body, feeling the singer beginning to harden again.

No five minutes later he was buried deep inside the Persian once more, Freddie´s flexible, lithe body pliant and warm under him, his legs slung around Brian´s narrow hips, pulling him closer and closer still with each thrust. 

When they were done, they laid next to each other, the sheets stained with their release and damp with sweat and Brian felt unbelievably content and as utterly satisfied.  
His head was resting on Freddie´s chest, his friend holding him while drawing intricate patterns onto the skin of Brian´s back. 

He woke up to bright morning sun shining in through a gap in the curtains and his erection pressing up against Freddie´s warm, round bottom. They must have shifted in their sleep, Brian now spooning the singer, the duvet covering their naked bodies like a cocoon. 

Brian sighed, his hand lazily stroking the hair on Freddie´s stomach, while he allowed himself to sleepily roll his hips up against Freddie´s warm body. 

The singer sighed in his arms, slightly turning his head towards Brian, a shuddering little breath escaping his lips as Brian willed his movements to come to a halt. 

“Don´t stop…”, Freddie whispered, his voice all croaky and his dark eyes still clouded with grogginess. He took one of Brian´s hands and dragged it across his skin, towards his crotch where Brian´s fingers closed around his friend´s aching morning wood.

They did it again on that morning, the both of them still drunk on sleep and lust, slow and gentle with each other, Freddie on his side and Brian behind him, panting and sighing into his neck. Freddie´s beautifully breathy moans got muffled, when he pressed his face into Brian´s bicep, nipping and biting at the pale skin when Brian started to fuck him harder, losing himself in the morning haze. 

When Brian started moving his hand on the singer´s prick in time with his thrusts, Freddie came within minutes, sighing and shuddering, beautifully vulnerable in Brian´s arms.

“Oh dear, I need a shower, I´m filthy…”, Freddie groaned afterwards, with Brian still half passed out on top of him after another orgasm that had made him see stars. Something about the tightness of the Persian´s body every time the guitarist had pushed into him just made him feel like his nerve-ending were on fire in the best possible way.

Brian just chuckled and found himself pressing his face into the crook of his friend´s slender neck, breathing in deeply. Freddie´s skin smelled of sweat, musk and the faint ghost of his zesty aftershave, it tasted like salt and sex when Brian licked it teasingly, feeling the pulse of a vein under his tongue. 

“No, Brimi, stop”, Freddie squirmed under him, giggling. “Stop, you´re going to make me horny all over again…”

Brian´s hand started to gently stroke up and down Freddie´s torso and the singer chuckled even more, subconsciously turning around to Brian but not being able to escape the pair of lips on his neck, as Brian pulled him closer with a hum.

“You smell so good…”, he groaned against Freddie´s tan skin. 

“I smell like beer and sweat! It´s gross…”, Freddie protested, but he was already leaning into Brian´s touch, sighing when Brian´s lips kissed his adam´s apple.

“I don´t care, I love it!”, Brian groaned, pulling Freddie closer until their bodies were flush against each other once more.

“You wicked man, you´re hard again.”, Freddie shrieked, even though he was the one who canted up his hips teasingly against Brian´s erection.  
“Oh fuck Brimi, I can´t go another round. I´ll be so fucking sore tomorrow.”

“Sore?”, Brian lifted up his head, instantly stopping in his tracks.“Freddie, did I hurt you? You should have told me, I´d have stopped! I´m so sorry…”, he stammered, his eyes scanning the singer´s face for any signs of discomfort. 

But Freddie simply shook his head, smiling sweetly at Brian, trying to calm him down by gently stroking his cheek with his thumb, a gesture so tender that it made Brian´s heart ache.  
“Darling no, I´m fine. I just need a nice hot shower, get clean again…”

He pressed a quick kiss to the taller man´s cheek, then he wiggled out from under him, sitting up on the side of the bed, stretching his arms above his head and arching his back with a little sigh.  
Then he turned back around to Brian. 

“Why don´t you give me ten minutes to myself in the bathroom and then you´ll join me in the shower.”, even the thought of it seemed to make Freddie chuckle and Brian knew why. Roger and Freddie were lucky to even have a bathroom in their small flat, but still, it was very tiny, always smelled slightly mouldy and had the smallest shower Brian had ever seen. 

“It´ll be a tight squeeze in there but we´ll manage. How does that sound, Bri?”, the singer asked him with a little wink, getting up from the bed.

“Lovely…”, Brian replied with a shy smile, the thought of showering with Freddie making him feel all giddy.

When he entered the bathroom about fifteen minutes later, quickly scurrying along the small hallway of the flat, wearing nothing more than a towel around his hips, the air was warm and steamy.

Freddie was singing, already standing under the stream of water that changed from lukewarm to slightly too cold and back again within five minutes, and welcomed Brian into the shower cubicle with a delighted laugh, giggling as they both tried to fit inside without causing a flood. 

They almost slipped a few times when Freddie handed him a bar of flowery smelling soap and they lathered each other up, barely able to keep their hands from wandering. 

“Freddie, I think I should get going. Roger might be here soon…”, Brian later said, already towelling himself off outside of the shower while Freddie was still rinsing the rest of the soap from his hair. 

“Oh yeah right, but don´t rush too much. Roggie´s probably still busy shagging his lovely girlfriend on every surface imaginable. They´ve got her parent´s house to themselves, they´re on holiday or something.”

Freddie´s head appeared behind the shower curtain, his hair pretty curly, now that it was wet. 

“So…you wanna stay for breakfast?”, he asked Brian with a little grin, unashamedly naked as he got out of the shower and grabbed a towel from a hook on the wall. 

“You got anything in?”, Brian asked him with a cheeky little chuckle, watching Freddie pretend to be very offended. 

“Of course we do! Toast…might be a bit stale though…oh and strawberry jam! Well and tea of course, even milk.”, proudly, he smiled at Brian, then his head disappeared under the towel, rubbing his wet hair dry. 

“Sounds alright to me.”, Brian replied.

He had promised himself that he would stop it, that he would stop being so irresponsible. So irresponsibly open, allowing himself to develop these irresponsible feelings in his hungry little heart.  
Brian had always believed his mind to be his strongest weapon. 

But there he was, sitting at Freddie´s kitchen table, munching on slightly stale toast and sipping his tea, watching his friend play the piano on the surface of the table, his fingers mapping out a melody, humming the notes, his hair drying into soft, black waves.

In the sunlight that streamed in through the kitchen window, Freddie looked so young, so vulnerable and so utterly unaware of his own beauty. Brian couldn´t help but smile, couldn´t keep from allowing himself a small moment of weakness, his heart taking over while his mind was helplessly lost for words.

“Can you sing it again?”, Brian asked quietly, as he recognized the melody Freddie was humming. “The song you´ve sung last week before we went to sleep…”

Freddie raised his brows, seemingly quite surprised that Brian even remembered it. Then he gave the guitarist a bright smile, joyfully straightening his shoulders as if he was taking a seat at the piano.  
“Sure I can, dear…”, Freddie replied, but then his smile grew a little wider. “But I think I want to sing you a different one…It´s another one I´ve been working on recently…well, not really working, just sort of…writing down the words that came into my mind…”

“I´d love to hear it.”, Brian said, putting down his piece of toast onto his plate, neatly folding his hands in his lap.

“Oh don´t get all excited, darling, it´s not that great…”

Freddie cleared his throat, suddenly almost timid, his finger still resting on the kitchen table as if he was about to start playing the piano.

“Alright…It goes something like…”, the singer took in a deep breath. When he started singing, there was something very soft to his voice, his eyes closed, every word rolling off his tongue with ease. 

“Funny how love is everywhere just look and see…Funny how love is anywhere you're bound to be…Funny how love is every song in every key…Funny how love is coming home in time for tea…”

Oh God, Brian thought. Please, do yourself a favour and don´t do it.  
Don´t fall in love with him.  
But he knew it was too late, much too late. 

And so he just sat there, surrendering to his ultimate doom, the melody of the sweet little song forever edged into his heart. His stupid, hopeful heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, finally back from my little hiatus!  
> I could try and blame it on the fact that I´m not in homeoffice anymore and that work started again, but that would be a pretty lame excuse.  
> Sadly, updates from now on will only happen once a week.  
> Still, I am so happy to be back in the writing game and bring you chapter eight of this little story. Beware, this is a bit of a tougher one. Hope none of you gets scared away by the drama. 
> 
> Wishing you all a lovely Sunday! Hope you´re all well!

“Do you know what, Brimi? I really fucking love you…”

Roger was leaning against him heavily, his breath smelling of beer and something malty, probably having to do with the joint him and Brian were sharing.  
Brian felt a giggle escaping from his lips, his head spinning when he took another drag from the joint and then passed it back to Roger. His fingers were clumsy, his movements seemed to be slightly slower than normal.

“I love you too, mate.”, Brian answered, the muscles in his face hurting from smiling so much, a pleasantly happy ache. 

Roger carefully plucked the joint from Brian´s fingers, took a long careful drag from it, his pale lashes fluttering and then blew out the smoke, leaning closer to Brian. 

“You´re the best guitar player I know, man. The best…honestly…”, Roger sounded very determined, quite sure of the truth in his words, adorably high and drunk and affectionate.

“Don´t let Deaky hear you, Roger.”, Brian replied, nudging his friend in the ribs, trying to conceal how very flattered he was. He took a swig of his beer to conceal how awkward he was with receiving compliments.

“Deaky would tell you himself!”, Roger said, the joint dangling from his lips. When he handed it back to Brian, he grinned at him, nodding over to the other corner of the living room, where John sat on a very worn red armchair, a brown-haired girl in his lap, eagerly kissing and almost groping one another. “If he wasn´t busy snogging that Veronica girl right now.”

Brian chuckled, although he was glad that taking the joint back from Roger allowed him to look away from the pair. John was their youngest and he felt slightly rude watching him kissing a girl like that, almost like he was watching a younger sibling having his first kiss.

“I´m telling you, Bri, if it wasn´t for you, we´d have never gotten this opportunity.”, Roger continued to praise him and Brian flushed, waving his hand for the guitarist to stop, quickly taking another drag.  
“Aww Rog, stop it…That´s not true…”, he replied, now properly blushing. “It´s because we´re all very good at what we´re doing…It´s because of Queen!”

They had been in high spirits since the afternoon when Roger had told them that one of the producers from no other than De Lane Lea Studios had gotten in touch with him over the phone.  
At first they hadn´t even believed him, while Roger had gone on and on about the fact that having a telephone in the flat was one of the best investments Freddie and him had ever made.

“The guy´s seen us play two weeks ago! He wants to hear us play again…maybe even produce a demo!”, Roger had said, jittery with joy, after convincing them that no, he wasn´t high and no, this wasn´t one of his pranks, he really was telling the truth.

The four of them erupted into laughing, shouting and cheering, clapping each other´s shoulders, jumping up and down and ending up in a massive group hug. 

The rest of the afternoon had been a blur of getting drunk and celebrating that finally someone from the music industry had noticed them, that all their hard work had paid off and that with some luck and lot more of hard work, this really could turn into something good, something great.

They had jammed for a while in the studio, cracking open a few beers and feeling like the kings of the world, already so full of ideas for new songs, until Freddie had suggested taking the party to his and Roger´s flat and inviting a few people to come over.  
And here they were, four or so hours later, the flat full of people once again, drinking, getting high and having the time of their lives. It was messy and it was loud but to Brian´s great surprise, he didn´t feel anxious or even uncomfortable, surrounded by all this chatter, all this noise.

He was simply enjoying himself, comfortable, content, simply existing and allowing himself to take it all in, sitting on the sofa right by the window, sipping a beers, sharing a joint with one of his best mates. 

Brian was surprised that Roger wasn´t in the middle of it all, dancing and chatting to people, twirling his girlfriend around and getting shitfaced.  
But his friend seemed content with taking it a little slower tonight. Brian was glad about it. 

“I think we´ve got to get a few more rehearsals in”, he said, passing the joint back to Roger, grabbing his own beer that he had previously placed on the couch table that was cluttered with notes on song lyrics. “Maybe we could up to practicing three times a week.”, he suggested, taking a swig of his beer.

“Well, if you can manage with Uni and all…”, the Blonde murmured, leaning in closer once again. The music from the record player was loud enough to easily drown him out, therefore Roger was so close that Brian could feel his breath ghosting over the side of his face. 

“Yeah, it´s alright. I´ll manage.”, Brian replied and Roger clapped his shoulder, taking the last drag from the joint before carelessly stubbing it out on an empty plate on the couch table. The ash from the cigarette became an unappetising mix of cigarette remains and the crumbs of the crisps that had previously been on the plate and had long been eaten.

It was odd, Brian thought to himself when he looked at the Blonde again. Roger was one of his best mates, but sitting like this, their thighs touching, their fingers brushing against each other when they passed the joint, Roger´s rosy face close to his, all big blue eyes and cheeky smile…it had no effect on him whatsoever. 

Roger was his friend, just like John and even though Brian enjoyed their hugs and the way they sometimes all sat together, feet in each other´s laps, heads resting on each other´s shoulders, there was no desire to go further with them. 

The thought made him chuckle. Even thinking about giving Deaky just the tiniest peck on the lips made him feel horrible. John was like a little brother to him and Roger also felt like family. 

It was much different from what he was feeling for Freddie, from what he was experiencing in his presence.  
Freddie, who´s lingering glances, gentle touches and shy smiles still made him blush, even though he desperately tried to not let it show, to hide what he was feeling.

Brian felt like he was actually getting worse at hiding it, they both were. Maybe they were giving themselves away by trying to hide it as hard as they could.

His eyes found Freddie in the crowd. He was standing near the record player, talking to a girl that he probably knew from his course at Uni. 

Brian couldn´t help but smile as he heard Freddie singing the lyrics to the song that was currently playing. 

His voice had changed in the last year, although Brian couldn´t quite put a finger on as to how. He had built his range, there was more power to it, more stability. Even though, to Brian, he had always sounded beautiful and the guitarist still loved every crack in it, every hoarse rasp that sometimes still appeared.

Tonight, the singers voice sounded airy and sweet.

The girl he was talking to laughed and so did Mary, who had her arm slung around Freddie´s middle. They too were passing something around that looked a bit too thick and slightly unevenly rolled to be a simple cigarette. 

Brian watched the small movements Freddie made with his hands when he talked, pointing down to the record player, laying his head slightly to the side, saying something that Brian couldn´t quite understand while the girl laughed once again.

There seemed to be few songs in this world that Freddie didn´t know the lyrics to. He had taught Brian quite a few of them in there last weeks, quietly sung to him when they were in Brian´s room, working alongside on projects, a record playing, only to put that record on again and fall into bed with each other an hour later.

Brian couldn´t really help it, Jimmy Hendrix now meant sex to him. He blushed when he thought about how often they had played Freddie´s favourite Hendrix album to drown out the noise of the creaking bed and their moans, the sound of their skin slapping against each other, Brian´s helpless groans when he neared his finish line, sometimes after mere minutes, only to try and try again until they were both satisfied and utterly exhausted. 

They had discovered that hand lotion made for a much better lubricant than spit, that it kept Freddie from being sore in the mornings and made things much easier, but also much more slippery.

God, sex was fun.  
Brian had never thought that he would once allow himself the simple pleasure of indulging into a thought so plain but still so very true. Sex with Freddie was better than what he had every experienced with any girl. It was freeing, eye-opening, satisfying on a level that he had never before known to even exist. 

Brian tried pushing those thoughts away. He had to be more careful, had to pay attention to not give himself away by staring at the singer like a love-drunk idiot. 

The guitarist watched Freddie´s nimble fingers reach over to the girl he was talking to, gently touching one of the delicate silver bracelets she wore on her wrist, probably complimenting her on it.  
The singer had an appreciation for these little things, an eye for fabrics and garments, for fine jewellery and make up that was applied skilfully and Brian admired him for it, loved how Freddie just noticed these things and complimented them on other people. 

Brian averted his gaze, when he saw that Mary had noticed him looking at them. Her smile was genuine, but there was something in her eyes that Brian didn´t like, something questioning and intense. 

“How are you holding up, Rog? Is everything going alright with your course?”, Brian quickly turned back to Roger, trying to pull him back into a conversation. “Don´t you guys have exams around the same time as we physics people do?”

The drummer pulled a face and sighed, sinking deeper into the couch.  
“Don´t ask, Bri. I´m really struggling.”

Maybe it was the weed bringing out his true emotions, but the Blonde looked pretty devastated and not quite as smug and on top of everything as he usually appeared to be.

“I´m sorry to hear that!”, Brian said, genuinely concerned, even though it was getting harder to ignore the fact that Mary was still watching him with intense blue eyes.  
Brian started to feel like a horrible friend for not giving Roger his full attention and tried to pull himself together. 

“Yeah…I´m pretty far behind…Can´t be arsed to go to lectures anymore, don´t really get anything anyways…”, Roger murmured into the opening of his beer. 

Brian quickly shook his head. 

“Roger, don´t say that! You´re a clever guy! I´m sure you could catch up on it if you´d really set your mind on it.”, he gave his friend an encouraging smile but the drummer didn´t seem to be quite as convinced of his success as Brian. 

“I don´t know, Bri…”

Brian sat up a little straighter, already thinking about helping his friend with his studies. For years he had tutored younger students from his local school back at home or even helped friends with their homework and studies. It was something that the guitarist loved. For him, it was quite amazing to see how someone reached their full academic potential, worked hard and turned things around for the better.

“We could set up regular times to go to the library. Sometimes it really does help if there´s someone holding you accountable. Like a study buddy. Maybe this weekend we could…”

Roger simply snickered, taking another swig of beer.

“Are you sure you’ve got any time to spare this weekend, Brimi…”, he said in a teasing done, giving Brian´s knee a little nudge with his elbow. 

The guitarist raised his brows, not really understanding what his friend was on about.

“Oh, come on, mate. Do you really think we haven´t noticed that you´re never really free in the evenings anymore.”

Heat pooled in Brian´s stomach in the most uncomfortable way, he felt goose bumps raising on his arms and his heart starting to hammer away in his chest. 

Did Roger know? Had they gotten caught?  
Hadn´t they been careful enough?  
Was this Roger´s way of confronting him about his affair with their friend over a beer and a joint?

“I´ve had a few deadlines for some quite important essays actually and then with exams coming up I just have to…”, Brian managed to stammer.

Roger simply shook his head and grinned at him. 

“Brian, we all know you work hard but no one on this bloody earth works that much.” 

The guitarist frantically wrecked his brain for an excuse to come up with, nervously chewing his upper lip until Roger just rolled his eyes at him.  
“So, tell me all about her!”

Confused and slightly jittery, Brian came back from his thoughts.  
“W-what?”, he stammered.

Roger laid his head slightly to the side, his eyes narrowed as his smile turned more and more cheeky.

“Your girlfriend of course! Or at least the girl you´re shagging every night! The reason you´re so busy these days!”

Brian felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of his shoulders. Roger didn´t know about him and Freddie, they hadn´t been too careless and his friend was not going to confront him about it.  
“Well em…she´s…she´s great…”, he lied, trying to muster up a convincing smile.

“Ah come on man, don´t be like that…I want to know everything! Where did you meet her?”, Roger continued to ask. 

Brian took another sip of beer to buy himself some time to come up with an answer that would sound convincing.  
“I´ve actually known her for quite a while.”, he replied, although he could have slapped himself for it, since the answer was a little too close to the truth. At this point, he wished he would have just come up with a story of meeting some girl as one of Roger and Freddie´s infamous parties or chatting up one of the few girls on his course at Uni.

“Oh really? Is she a Uni student as well?”, Roger continued to ask and Brian could already tell that the drummer had set his mind to getting as much information on this mysterious girlfriend out of him aspossible.

“Yeah, she is…”, he murmured.

“And is she pretty? What does she look like? Come on, I want to be able to imagine what she´s like!”, he leaned back into the couch, an excited smile on his lips, his eyes closing, probably trying to paint a picture in his head.

“She´s…she´s beautiful…”, Brian stammered. He knew that he should have come up with a story about a blonde girl with long legs and a great arse or a redhead with a lovely smile and a wicked sense of humour. But instead, his brain, his stupid, love-drunk brain once again decided for something much too close to the truth.

“She´s got beautiful black hair…it´s actually wavy, slightly curly but she straightens it ever day…it suits her really well though…and she´s got the most astounding smile…She doesn´t show it that often but…it´s so beautiful…And her eyes…they´re big and brown and they can be so kind…but also very…sultry I guess…”

Brian noticed that he had blushed while talking and Roger did too. The Blonde had opened his eyes again and was now smiling at him brightly.  
“God, Brimi, are you in love? You should have seen your face right now! You look like you´re under a spell…”

Brian chuckled, his cheeks aching slightly from smiling so much. To his great surprise, he continued to talk, the words just flowing from his lips without any fear of judgement from his friend.

“She´s also got the biggest heart…she´s fun…even wild sometimes but she can also be so sweet and caring…and kind…so very kind…And she´s so creative and clever…”

“Alright loverboy…she sound like a very lovely girl indeed.”, Roger giggled and Brian hid his smile behind his bottle of beer again, taking another big gulp.

Roger suddenly grinned at him, waggling his eyebrows.  
“What about her arse though? Good?”, he asked.

Brian´s cheeks were heating up once again, although he tried to be as casual as he could.

“It is a very lovely arse if you must know…very em…firm and…well-rounded…”, he stammered, sheer willpower keeping his eyes from slipping over to Freddie, whose bum looked very firm and well-rounded indeed in his black corduroy pants tonight.

Roger laughed and clapped his shoulder firmly.

“Ah man, that´s great! I´m really happy for you! Glad you´re finally getting to experience the rockstar life as well!”

Brian tried to not choke on the sip of beer he had just taken. 

“By the way, what´s her name? Maybe Eileen knows her, she knows a ton of people!”, the drummer went on but Brian simply shrugged.

“That´s my little secret.”, he said and Roger moaned in frustration.

“Brian, come on!”, he put his beer down, inching closer but Brian would have none of it. He had already told Roger way too much.

“Nope Rog, not happening. I´m going to tell you!”

“Brian please!”, he pleaded, but the guitarist quickly got up from the sofa, stumbling for a second because finally the alcohol and the weed were kicking in full force.

“Need the loo. I´ll be back!”, he murmured and Roger flipped him off and told him that he would not rest before he had gotten the name of the mystery girlfriend out of Brian. 

When he crossed the living room, his gaze met Freddie´s. Eyes lined with black kohl pencil crinkled slightly at the corners, a smile tugged at those plush lips, shy and secretive, a fleeting glance, unnoticed by anyone else but them. 

He lowered his gaze and quickly made his way to the bathroom, although he couldn´t help for the small smile that appeared on his own lips and the slight spring in his step. 

Roger was right. He was under a spell. A wonderful, all-consuming, powerful spell that had taken a hold of him and the guitarist was not inclined to fight it.  
Instead, he gave into his ultimate demise, throwing all worries aside. He was happy and for the first time in his life, Brian chose happiness over what was the sensible and reasonable way.

It had been a quite some time since Brian had been this high. He had probably not been this high since the night he had ended up in bed with Mary and Freddie…which really wasn´t that long ago if Brian thought about it. 

The problem was, that he couldn´t really think right now, that his mind felt fuzzy, like a spiralling, shifting cloud of smoke, unable to grasp anything, unable to form a coherent thought.  
Brian actually enjoyed it, the feeling of letting go of all control, of every nagging thought of doubt and fear to simply just be. 

It had gotten later and later in the night and the less people stayed around, the better the party had gotten. They had danced to the music on the record player, smoking some more weed and drinking some of the delicious gin and tonic Roger´s girlfriend had made for them. 

The atmosphere was vibrant, free and surprisingly serene at the same time, the windows of the apartment opened to let in the fresh night air, the room filled with laughter and music. 

At one point, when they were all on their feet, dancing and spinning to the music, flowing movements and gentle steps, Freddie had ended up in his arms, clinging onto him, his eyes wide, his gaze unfocused. 

“Brian…”, he had murmured, his tongue lazy, the guitarist´s name sounding like a sweet melody from his friend´s lips and there had been something so intimate, so touching to it, that Brian, despite all his previous fear of giving their secret away, had leaned in to hold the singer´s face in his hands, smiling at him. 

“Fred…”, Brian had slurred, his thumbs stroking the singer´s flushed cheeks. 

Suddenly, their faces had been so dangerously close, that their nose were almost touching. Brian leaned in a little more, everything feeling soft and warm and fuzzy, but then his hands slipped to the collar of Freddie´s white silky shirt, clinging onto it and he seemed to lose his balance.  
He almost stumbled, leaning against Freddie who quickly held onto his hips to steady him.

“You okay, Brimi?”  
Freddie´s breath ghosted against Brian´s neck and he shuddered, his eyes fluttering shut. 

“Yeah…”, he murmured, his lips grazing against the silky material of Freddie´s shirt.  
“I´m just a little dizzy…”

“Maybe you should lay down for a second…”, he heard Freddie say, one of the singer´s hands now resting on his back.  
“Come on, you can have a little rest in my bed…”

Brian felt Freddie loosening the embrace and then leading him through the living room, keeping him from bumping into people while the guitarist simply smiled, probably looking like a high and drunk idiot. 

There was something comforting about the sudden quiet in Freddie´s dark room, the familiarity of the cluttered nightstand and the smell of the sheets. Brian had lain right at this spot just about 24 hours ago, a naked Freddie in his arms, both of them still slightly out of breath and blissed out from their previous activities. 

“My poor darling…”, Freddie whispered quietly, now that no one could hear them, helping Brian with taking off his shoes and then getting him more comfortable on the bed, rearranging the pillows for him to rest his head on.

Brian hummed softly, his eyes suddenly felt very heavy and tired.  
Fingers tenderly brushed a few strands of curly hair from his forehead and he felt a pair of lips pressing a quick kiss to his brow. 

Slowly, Brian opened his eyes. The room was dark but for the smidge of light that came in from the door that wasn´t entirely closed. The music and the voices of the party guests were a pleasant hum in the background. 

Brian smiled up at Freddie, flushed and slightly sweaty all of a sudden, his limbs comfortably heavy. 

“Freddie…”, the guitarist murmured, his tongue feeling clumsy and inexperienced, although he´d said the singer´s name a thousand time before.

“Yes Bri ?”, Freddie replied, his hand once again smoothing over Brian´s wild, unruly curls. 

“I´m…so happy…”, Brian slurred, struggling to form the words. “I´m so happy…with you, Freddie…”

He could hear the singer chuckling softly, his eyes almost black in the dark, warm and soft, so vulnerable for Brian, only for Brian to see. 

“I´m happy too, Brimi…I really am…”, he whispered back and Brian felt like he could quite possibly burst when the singer gave him another kiss, this time on his lips. The touch was careful and warm and Brian sighed into it and could have possibly stayed like this for hours to come, but apparently, the sensible part of his brain wasn´t completely drugged yet.

“You should go back to the others.”, he murmured, when the Persian pulled away and Freddie nodded. 

“Alright love…Rest for a bit, yeah? I´ll come and look after you in half an hour or so.”

“Hmmm…”, Brian hummed, his eyes slipping closed. He listened to the sound of Freddie´s steps on the wooden floorboards while he fell asleep, curled up in the singer´s bed, feeling warm and comfortably safe.

Brian woke up, when he felt the mattress beside him shifting. A soft groan escaped his lips as he blinked. The lamp on the nightstand was turned on and the soft light that had a pinkish tint to it, illuminated the forms of Mary and Freddie right next to him. 

The flat seemed to be quiet by now. He had probably been asleep for quite some time and the guests had gone home. Apparently, it was so late that Freddie and Mary had decided to go to sleep as well, only to find Brian still in their bed. 

The guitarist was too passed out to tell if his presence was bothering them. Not that he would have been sober enough to get up quickly anyways.

The singer took off his shoes, struggling with them, until he finally plopped down onto the bed next to his girlfriend with a sigh of relief. 

“I´m so bloody pissed…”, the Persian murmured, his eyes almost closed, a chuckle in his voice that told Brian that in fact his statement seemed to be true. 

“Yes you are…”, Mary replied with a giggle and bowed down her head to place her lips onto his neck. 

Brian could hear the smacking kisses she peppered onto his skin, making Freddie squirm and laugh, pretending to push her off, even though he was actually pulling her closer.

His head was spinning once again, as he watched them and he slowly allowed his eyes to slip closed again, groggily giving in to his need for more rest.

He could hear his friend still laughing, although he soon noticed the sound of their lips on each other, kissing and still giggling giddily. 

Brian´s brain suddenly threw a memory at him, the distinct feeling of Freddie´s lips on his own, warm and plush and perfect.

“Give me your hand…”, he heard Mary whispering to Freddie, her voice slightly breathy. 

He then heard the distinct sound of a palm slowly sliding over fabric, dragging over the cotton material of her shirt maybe, further down until he could hear the sound of an elastic being pulled aside.  
There was another rustle of fabric and then a surprised little moan from Freddie that went straight to Brian´s cock. The sound was all too familiar to him.

“I´m really horny…It´s that fucking weed…”, he heard Mary whisper and then she kissed her boyfriend once again, the singer humming softly as there was another rustle of fabric and the noise of the bodies next to him moving.

“Can you feel how wet I am?”, she asked him. 

“Yes…”, Freddie answered, his breathing slightly uneven. 

Brian was sure of the fact that he had never felt this conflicted in his whole life. The noises of them, lips pressing against skin, hands sliding over the fabric of clothes, even their breathing, send Brian´s mind into overdrive and made his skin tingle, suddenly feeling uncomfortably tight.

He wanted to look, turn his head, open his eyes. But he didn´t want to see. See the way she was kissing Freddie, see the way he was holding her, see them touching, see them loving each other.  
It was an explosive mixture of jealousy and lust that slowly started to fill up his mind, clouding it, making his heart race in his chest. 

Freddie was his. This bed was theirs. She had no right to kiss him like that. 

“You´re horny too…I can feel your dick…You´re hard…”, Brian heard her whisper and her words were accompanied by the clicking of a belt buckle and another sound, as if something was rubbing up against the rough material of trousers. It was probably her palm in his crotch.

“Ah…fuck…”, he heard Freddie groan.

Brian felt the crotch of his own jeans getting tighter. She was touching Freddie…oh god, she was touching Freddie and they were right next to him.

Brian could picture her perfectly, palming Freddie´s erection through his trousers, her delicate fingers digging into the bulge, outlining it, making the singer shiver. 

Brian fought down the urge to push her away, to claim what was his, to brush aside all reason and finally tell her that the relationship she had with the man she was kissing was nothing but a lie, that he belonged to Brian.

“Does that feel good, Freddie?”, he heard her ask.

“Darling, Brian´s right there next to us…”  
Freddie almost sounded alarmed, a certain hitch to his words, nervous and slightly unsettled.

Mary giggled like a schoolgirl.  
“Do you think he´s asleep?”, she whispered, but Brian could hear her clearly.

“Well have a look, dear…”

Brian felt her weight shifting on the mattress. She already seemed to be leaning over to him as her boyfriend stopped her in her tracks.

“Wait…let me get my hand out of your knickers at least…”, he heard Freddie chuckle and Mary erupted into a fit of giggles.

Suddenly, there was a small warm palm on his cheek. Her breath smelled of red wine, the tips of her long blond hair were brushing up against the guitarist´s face, tickling, teasing.  
“Brian…”, she whispered. “Hey…Brian?”

Slowly, the guitarist opened his eyes and looked up into her flushed, smiling face. Her smile grew wider, as she noticed that he was awake. Her blue eyes sparkled, her pupils were huge.  
“You´re awake.”

Here hands were on him suddenly, her fingers sliding under the collar of his shirt, her other hand stroking his temple, playing with a curl, slightly tugging at it in a playful manner.  
The touch made Brian shiver. He felt terribly hot.

“I think he´s really fucking high. Aren´t you, Brimi?”, he heard Freddie pipe up from next to him. The singer was lounging on his side, his head propped up on one arm, his clothes slightly dishevelled.

Brian felt a grin spreading on his flustered face, a chuckle escaped his mouth and grew into full blown laughter. Freddie leaned his head back into the pillows, giggling as well.  
It was all so utterly ridiculous. What a mess! What a horribly confusing, beautiful mess they had gotten themselves into!

“Yeah…I think I am…”, Brian managed to get out, making Freddie laugh even harder.

“Yes you are, you bloody genius.”, his friend replied and Brian thought he looked utterly beautiful when laughing like this, all teeth, tussled hair and flushed cheeks, pupils blown wide, voice slightly hoarse. 

But suddenly, Brian was very aware of Mary´s hands on him, of her fingers stroking his cheeks, her body leaning over Brian, of her sitting down on his thigh, her knee suddenly pressing against his groin, making him utter a sluggish moan, only concealing it very poorly.

“And you´re hard as well…”, Mary said in a hushed voice, her tone playful. 

Brian felt his face heating up, his lips moving, forming words that wouldn´t come out.  
“I´m sorry, I…”, he stammered, but she gently stroked his cheeks with her fingers and then leaned in to shut him up with a kiss, the smallest peck to his lips. When she drew away, her smile was kind, tender almost.

“It´s okay, Brian…You weren´t really sleeping, were you?”

Brian shook his head, the smallest movement, still feeling her hands wander, stroking down his neck, onto his chest, her nails causing a small clicking noise when they traced along the buttons of his shirt. 

Her knee pressing up against his groin made him feel dizzy.

“Were you listening to us?”, she asked, her fingers stroking over his collarbone.  
Brian bit his lip, feeling her knee nudging at his growing erection. 

“Yes…”, he finally managed to get out, the words barely more than a hiss of hot air.

“How naughty…What if Freddie and I had just started shagging without checking if you were asleep beforehand?”  
Mary smiled knowingly, then she leaned in once more to kiss him again, properly this time. 

Brian´s head was screaming at him. Her touches weren´t entirely unpleasant, but there was something inside of him that told him that the weed played quite heavily into his current state of arousal.  
His body was reacting to the cue, but his mind knew that this was wrong, that she was not the one he wanted, that he should not be making the same mistake twice.

Her hand was sliding lower, down his chest, unashamedly coming to a halt on the prominent bulge in Brian´s jeans. His breathing hitched.

“Would you like me to help you out with that?”, she asked, drawing back slightly, her long blond hair framing her pretty face, her hands still stroking, teasing, touching him. 

It would have been so easy to simply give in, give his body what he desired, ached for even. 

But there it was again, his heart. His heart guiding him to turn his head and look over at Freddie. Freddie with his huge black eyes. Freddie, who looked at Brian as if he was begging him to do this, to simply go along with it.  
Please, his eyes seemed to plead. Please just sleep with her…I can´t…I can´t do it anymore…but you can. Please Brimi…

Suddenly, Brian felt like he was waking up from a fever dream.  
No! He wouldn´t do this! He couldn´t! 

This was not what he wanted! He wasn´t their toy to play with to distract themselves from the problems they were facing, from the issues of a lack of communication and trust in their relationship, from all the lies that had started to poison their love.

“Stop…”, Brian panted, his eyes still lingering on the singer, who started to frown at him. 

Mary´s hand started palming him through his trousers, as if she wanted to draw his attention back to her.

In an almost panicked attempt to get her to stop, Brian´s hand shot down to hers, grabbing her, willing her to still.  
“No please…stop it!”, he gazed up into her eyes, those sweet, kind eyes.

Brian was shaking, breathing harshly, but the severity of the situation seemed to escape Mary.

“Brian, it´s okay, don´t be embarrassed! Come on, just relax, I want to do this for you…”, her voice was husky, seductive, her wrist straining against the grip of Brian´s hand.

“No…no…please…Stop it for fuck´s sake!”, Brian hissed, feeling like he was trapped, wanting to escape.

Mary´s giggles died down in her throat, the smile vanishing from her lips as she slowly pulled away her hand. Her eyes were huge and full of confusion and she got up from Brian´s thigh, sitting down next to Freddie.

The moment he was free, Brian shifted away from them, the sheets tangling around his legs, scrambling to the other side of the bed.  
“No, this is not going to happen again!”, his voice was shaking but his tone was harsh, his hands raised defensively.

“Why not?”, Mary asked, her head turned slightly to the side, watching him sceptically. 

“I don´t want to be part of this anymore! This is not right!”, Brian rasped, lowering his shaking hands, his nerve-endings tingling with the urge to run, his heart racing.

“Why, darling? You seemed to like it just fine with it a few minutes ago…”, there was something inside of Freddie´s voice that Brian didn´t even recognize.  
Something mocking and bitter, cruel and nothing like the sweet, soft tone he spoke in when him and Brian were in bed, late at night, naked and holding each other, so close that it sometimes felt like Freddie was everything Brian needed to be happy. 

But this wasn´t the Freddie he knew. This Freddie was frightened, fear making him cruel and arrogant and Brian hated it.

“Are you out of your mind, Freddie? Do you really think this is the way to go?!”, Brian hissed, his lungs burning, his heart aching.

Freddie simply laughed, laughed at Brian´s panic, his fear and maybe even his feelings. Those feelings that had grown in his heart and now consumed his every thought.  
And it hurt, so much that Brian felt like he couldn´t breathe for a second.  
What a fool he had been…

“God, you´re such a prude, Brian. It´s just a bit of fun…”, Freddie said, still chuckling.

Fear and hurt made another emotion grow inside of the guitarist´s racing mind. Anger. It was rare for Brian to be angry but right now, he couldn´t remember a moment in his life where he had been more furious. 

“Well, why don´t you ask Roger if he´d like to join in instead then? Or Deaky? You never know he might be up for it…”, Brian was shaking, his voice sounded alien to his own ears.  
Freddie simply scoffed and leaned back against the headboard of the bed, running a hand through his hair.

“Because my girlfriend doesn´t want to fuck any of them, that´s why…”, he said lazily, a mocking tone to his voice, a sharp edge to his words.

There was a flash of movement from Mary and then the sound of her palm colliding with his cheek, slapping him hard.  
“How dare you, Freddie?!”, she panted, her blue eyes full of hurt and rage.

Freddie was holding his cheek, the skin blooming red, but he didn´t seem half as shocked as Mary herself was.

“What? Wasn´t that what you were about to do just there, sweetheart?”, he replied with a thin-lipped smile, his eyes narrowed.

“So? And you were going to watch, weren´t you Freddie?”  
Mary crossed her arms in front of her heaving chest.

“Got nothing better to do right now, haven´t I?”, the singer sneered at her.

Mary gave him a cold little laugh, an icy sound ringing in Brian´s ears.  
“Sure! Get a nice wank out of watching another bloke fuck your own girlfriend! Seriously, who does that?! What sort of a pervert gets off on that?!”

Freddie laid his head slightly to the side, his eyes cold and hard.

“Well, maybe you´d like it much better if I just left and let you have your fun with Brian. Just like in the old days, Am I right darling?”, he hissed at her, but Mary was quick to shoot back at him.

“Well, maybe you´d like it much better if I was the one leaving you alone with Brian, huh Freddie?”, she replied, a joyless smile on her lips.

“What the hell are you implying?”, the singer demanded to know. “Don’t be ridiculous!”

Mary tutted, shaking her head, pretending to ponder on the right words, weighing them carefully to find the spots that would hurt her boyfriend the most.

“You know…just like in the old days…back at boarding school in India.”

Freddie´s jerked back, as if her words had physically hurt him.  
“Mary…stop it…”, he hissed.

“I´m sure it´s just like riding a bicycle…you don´t really forgot how to do it.”, she continued, her words slow, as if she was savouring every ounce of her boyfriend´s humiliation.

“Shut up!”, Freddie pressed through clenched jaws.

“…sucking a dick…”, Mary laid an emphasis on each word and Freddie seemed to snap.

“Mary…stop…please…”, he pleaded, almost sounding as if he was crying, but Mary simply scoffed at him.

“…taking it up the arse…”, she finished her sentence with a smug smile.

In utter shock, Brian watched his friend lunge forward, grabbing his girlfriend by the shoulder, shaking her, his eyes full of blind hurt and panic, like a wild, wounded animal.  
“Shup up! Shut the fuck up”, he screamed at her.

“Let go of me! Let go of me, you´re hurting me, Freddie!”, Mary hissed, trying to escape from his iron grip on her shoulders, but he wouldn´t let her.  
There was so much pain in his dark eyes.

“You promised me to never tell a soul about this! You fucking promised me!”, he shouted at her, his voice hoarse, shame making him blush crimson, his teeth bare, his body shaking. 

Mary tried to wiggle away from him once again, pushing at his chest.

“Did you never tell Brian about this? I thought you guys were all such good friends!?”, she mocked him, still laughing, until he grabbed her even harder and she yelped in pain.  
“Let go of me! You´re scaring me, Freddie!”

“I fucking trusted you!”, the singer shouted, tears in his eyes, shaking her again.

“Let go of me!”, she tried to slap him once more, her palm colliding with his cheek, her nails digging into his skin until Freddie groaned in pain and let go of her.

“Are you guys out of your damn minds?! Stop it! Both of you!”, Brian shouted, finally finding his voice again.

“It´s not my fault she´s still in love with you”, Freddie hissed at him, his dark eyes boring into Brian.

Mary shook her head, her arms slung around herself, still shaking, although a cruel little smile was tugging at her lips.  
“Hear hear…If I didn´t know any better I´d say you´re a bit jealous, Freddie.”, she mocked him. 

Brian got up from the bed, his legs so jittery that he could barely walk.

“That´s it, I´m leaving…”, he managed to get out.

“Brian…wait.”  
Freddie looked at him, his eyes desperate and dark but Brian backed off, his hands raised again.

“No…No…leave me alone, Freddie…You guys are just as bad as each other…This is…”, he shook his head, grabbing his shoes from the floor and walking over to the door, his hand shaking when he grabbed the doorknob.

He turned around once more and saw the two on the bed. Mary was crying now, hiding her face behind her hands, shaking with each quiet sob. Brian felt his heart clenching.  
Freddie simply stared at him, his dark eyes full of unspoken words and shame, his hair a mess, his shaking hands clutching onto his knees. 

“Just try not to kill each other. Maybe stop all these lies and all this absolute madness and talk to each other…honestly…”, Brian said and Mary looked up at him, opening her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but Brian was already out of the door.

He stumbled through the dark flat, clumsily putting on his shoes, feeling sick to the stomach, his head spinning with the echo of what he had just witnessed.  
Only when he was on his way down the flight of stairs did he notice that hot, burning tears were running down his cheeks.  
Angrily, he wiped them away with his sleeve when stepping out into the street. 

Morning light was already chasing the shadows of the night away, the sky a crimson red at the edges of the roofs of the houses, the city slowly waking up to a new day. But Brian was numb to these things.  
His steps carried him through the streets, on and on until he had finally reached his flat. 

He didn´t sleep on that night, simply sitting on top of his duvet, staring at the wall, trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe everything he had hoped for, yearned for, dreamed of had never really existed in the first place.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello folks,  
> so so sorry that chapter nine is late once again. Work really does seem to suck the life out of me these days and I barely have any time to do the stuff that I love.  
> Still, I do hope that you´ll enjoy this chapter. I am having so much fun with this story and I am so grateful for all your lovely comments and kudos.  
> Hope you are all well!
> 
> Enjoy!

Brian groaned when his alarm went off at six in the morning. His eyes were burning with tiredness. He blinked a few times, blindly reaching over to his nightstand to turn off his alarm clock, fumbling with it and finally finding the small plastic switch at the back of it. 

He was tired, so tired that he felt slightly nauseous, but he couldn´t stay in bed for another minute. 

Being awake and simply lying there was not an option. Being awake and not doing anything to stimulate his mind meant that he would be alone with his thoughts. His mind had been his greatest asset since he could think, but right now, it felt more like a torture device in every hour he spent awake.

Brian simply couldn´t take it.

During the last ten days, he had imposed a rigorous schedule of studying onto himself, simply to keep himself busy, to keep himself from thinking, from hurting.  
In those first few days, it had actually worked. Brian had managed to trick his brain into thinking that long hours in the library and nights spent at his desk, his nose buried in his books, his hand scribbling down notes until his wrist was hurting, were what he needed.  
But at one point, his mind had found ways around his safety measures of working himself beyond exhaustion. 

There were always those first few moments after waking up, when his defence mechanisms weren´t up yet, when he was still sleepy and everything was hazy and warm. In those moments, Brian found himself reaching over, expecting to find a warm, naked body next his, expecting to be able to nuzzle against Freddie´s sleep-warm skin, kiss his neck, feeling him waking up in his arms, all slow, tired kisses and quiet, tender words in Brian´s ears. 

But then he started to remember. 

He remembered that he was all alone in his bed and that Freddie wasn´t there. He remembered the party and what had happened between Mary, Freddie and him, the fight, the tears, the anger and the pain. The feeling of being lied to, being ridiculed and mocked and losing all hope.

He thought about the fact that Freddie and him hadn´t even properly talked for ten days, that the two rehearsals they had had since then had been spent in almost complete silence, that he couldn´t even look at Freddie, his gaze averted and his throat tight. 

This time, Roger hadn´t addressed the issue and neither did Deaky. They just went about their songs almost mechanically, none of them saying anything whenever anyone of them made a mistake, played the wrong note or sang the wrong words. 

They were all walking on eggshells and every time they were done, Brian felt even more sorry for Roger and John having to put up with this. 

Because clearly, they could tell that something was going on, that something wasn´t right. He could see it in the way Deaky´s green eyes watched them all carefully, studying them, almost as if he tried to find out what exactly had happened. 

Maybe Freddie had told Roger about it all? He was his flatmate after all. Maybe Roger knew, maybe Deaky did to. Brian wasn´t sure about it. He wasn´t sure about anything anymore.

Being in a room with Freddie was torture to him and on each of the two evenings he had seen him again, he hadn´t been able to go to sleep afterwards, even though his body was beyond exhausted. 

And here he was, swinging his feet out of bed on day eleven after the incident, willing his mind to stop bombarding him with memories and questions, already feeling incredibly drained.  
Brian found himself drawing a few deep breaths, simply to ground himself. He needed to stop. He needed to get it together. He needed to accept that this was what it was.  
Freddie wasn´t his, never had been and never would be. 

He tried to visualise the words in his mind, the initial pain of them so harsh, that he couldn´t breath for a second. It had been become and exercise he did every morning. Getting used to the pain, numbing himself to it without actually losing his mind. 

He reserved those first few moments after waking up for it, to keep the memories locked away tightly inside of his heart for the rest of the day. It was his way of coping, struggling, fighting and losing, most of the time. Everything inside of his room now reminded him of his friend. How could it be any different? 

Even before their relationship had changed so drastically, they had been close. Close friends, close at heart and close at mind, counterparts to one another, in music, in character, in almost anything. They were each other´s light, each other´s dark, each other´s day and night. 

So many hours they had spent together, writing songs, listening to music, making so many incredible memories. Memories that now haunted Brian because not talking to Freddie didn´t simply mean missing his lover, it also meant losing a friend. 

Pain started shooting up his veins like venom and he had to keep the thoughts under control or he would not be able to go about his day.

Brian got up from the bed, his body going through the motions of his morning routine, opening the window to let in some fresh air, making his bed and finally, picking out some clothes to wear.  
His fingertips felt numb when they brushed over the fabrics of his clothes, his closet so messy that he was struggling to find something clean to wear. 

Maybe it was fate that when he reached for a paisley printed button up placed over a hanger, another shirt slipped down from it and fell to the floor. It was black, a velvety material and Brian recognised the deep neckline. He instantly knew that the shirt wasn´t his. Freddie´s style was much more extravagant than his. 

Slowly, he picked it up, his fingers stroking over the black fabric almost tenderly. Freddie had probably worn it the last time he had staid over and Brian had found it, most likely somewhere on the floor and placed it in his wardrobe to give it back to Freddie the next time they saw each other. And that next time never came.

Brian remembered what it felt like taking it off the singer, hitching it up his chest, pushing the fabric away to nuzzle at the Persian´s chesthair, pulling it over Freddie´s unruly head of black locks to simply discard it, eager to feel skin on skin.

He had to give the shirt back to Freddie, Brian knew it. Seeing the singer twice a week at rehearsals was bad enough already, hard enough, pushing him to his limit.  
He could not keep the shirt, knowing that it was in his room, remembering those nights, those early mornings, those afternoons, feeling sorry for himself. 

The shirt wasn´t his to keep, just like his friend.

Brian shallowed thickly, gently placing the slightly wrinkled item of clothing onto his duvet to later pack it into his uni bag. Tonight, when his lectures were finished, he would take the bus over to Freddie and Roger´s flat, hand Freddie the shirt and be done with it. 

It was the sensible thing to do, it was how adults, sensible adults handled these types of situations. At least that´s what Brian tried to tell himself when he started to doubt his plan, repeating it in his head like a mantra.

The door to the house Freddie and Roger´s flat was located in, wasn´t locked, so Brian let himself in, as he always did. The hallway was cool and silent compared to the warm busy evening outside on the streets. This month of May had been unusually hot and sunny.

Brian took two steps at a time, his heartbeat hammering away in his ears, his shirt sticking to his back damp with sweat.

When he reached the fourth four, slightly out of breath from climbing up the stairs, he hesitated for a moment, clutching Freddie´s shirt in his slightly sweaty hands, feeling the velvety black material to ground himself. 

He took a deep breath, in, out, he could do this. He would give Freddie his shirt, tell him that they were through with whatever it was they had been doing and that they would simply remain friends. Then he would smile confidently and be off to deal with the mess that all of this had left inside his mind and his heart on his own. 

His hand was shaking slightly when he knocked on the door. He could hear music coming from the inside of the flat, the faint melody of an electric guitar that sounded familiar to him. Someone was listening to a record. 

Shuffling steps were audible and Brian braced himself, as the door opened and in the dim light of the narrow hallway stood no other than Freddie himself, wearing one of his pairs of tiny sports shorts and a slightly too small t-shirt in a maroon colour, that looked a lot like the ones he sometimes borrowed from Mary because he thought they suited him just as well. 

His hair was wavy and wild and he almost looked sleepy, although his expression quickly changed when he realised who was standing in front of his door. 

“Brian…”, he said, his voice surprisingly soft, although his eyes went wide and he almost looked shocked to see the guitarist. “H-hey…nice to see you…”, Freddie added quickly. The awkward formality of his words was almost painful to the guitarist.

Brian fought against the urge to lower his gaze, to just hand Freddie the shirt and run down the stairs. Simply seeing him like this, mussed hair and comfortable clothes, probably just listening to a record, having some tea and relaxing, made Brian yearn, made him crave and miss the other man so terribly. 

“Hi Fred…just wanted to pop around…found your shirt in my room while tidying this morning…”, Brian managed to get out while still holding the other man´s gaze, struggling. He had planned things to go differently. 

He had wanted to appear confident, sure of himself and what he wanted, especially of what he didn´t want which was being the dirty little secret of his friend or the silly little toy of said friend and said friend´s girlfriend. 

He wanted Freddie to see that he was stronger than he appeared, that he knew his worth and that he would not be treated in this way. But instead, he felt like an awkward idiot, stumbling over his words and making a fool of himself. 

He quickly handed the shirt over to Freddie, who looked at it for a second, his gaze ghosting up to Brian´s eyes again. Did the guitarist see something like remorse? Something like pain and a plea to be forgiven? Or was it all wishful thinking?

“Thank you darling, I was looking for it already…you know how messy my room can get…thought I´d lost it forever…”, Freddie rambled on with a nervous little laugh at the end.

“That´s alright…glad you´re happy to have it back…”, Brian replied, even though he felt like his answer couldn´t have been more non-sensical and that he sounded oddly out of breath.  
Suddenly, it was very quiet in the large echoing hallway of the building, both of them simply standing there, trying very hard not to look at each other. 

“So…think I´d best be o-“, Brian murmured, talking to his feet, but Freddie wouldn´t let him finish. 

“Darling…please do come inside for a second…”, when Brian looked up, there was something urgent and vulnerable in Freddie´s large brown eyes. “Please…there´s some things I´d like to say…we…we need to talk…”

Everything inside of Brian was screaming to say yes. Even more so to step closer to his friend, tell him that he was going crazy with how much he missed him, that he was hurt and scared and that he needed him. But there was another part, however small, that told him to make Freddie understand how much his actions had hurt, even repulsed Brian, that things needed to change.  
He wouldn´t refuse his friend the chance to explain himself but he would not fall into his arms as if nothing had happened either. 

“Well…em…I´ve got half an hour…still got some things to get done later”, Brian replied, crossing his arms in front of his narrow chest and Freddie´s face lit up, teeth peeking out from under his lip for a second, before he gave a little nod into the direction of the hallway behind him. 

“Half an hour is just fine! Come on…I´ll get the kettle on.”

Roger wasn´t home, but they chose to take the tea over to Freddie´s room anyway. The kitchen was an even bigger mess than any other part of the flat, even more so than Freddie´s room. 

It seemed like the singer had also been working on his final projects for his course, a set of unfinished sketches of something that looked like elegant winter coats covering the desk by the window, along with an assortment of pens. The bin was overflowing with papers as well and the bed covered in clothes, probably laundry that Freddie had been in the process of sorting out. 

Carefully, Freddie put down the shirt Brian had brought him over the chair by his desk, then he sat down on the bed, motioning for Brian to take a seat as well. 

For a moment, Brian hesitated. There was something holding back from simply getting comfortable on the bed that the events of the party and their fight had taken place on. Freddie had changed the sheets since, they were a washed out green, Brian even remembered having slept in them previously, the material comforting and soft, but still, they reminded him of what had happened.  
The bed reminded him of watching his friends say cruel things to one another, of seeing everything he had cherished before crumble to nothing but bitterness and lies. 

Freddie looked up at him, his smile slightly wonky. “Bri, please sit down.”, he asked politely.

Hesitantly, the guitarist pushed aside the memories and took a seat at the other side of the bed, leaving as much space as possible between Freddie and him.

He took a sip of tea, simply to distract himself and burned his tongue slightly. When he looked up again at his friend, Freddie seemed nervous, his breath hitching slightly when he began to speak. 

“Alright…I´d like to apologize…”, he suddenly almost seemed to tremble, his shaking hands clinging onto the teacup. “I´m…so…fucking sorry for what happened…for not respecting your boundaries, for putting you in such an uncomfortable position…for insulting you…for behaving like an absolute arsehole…for being selfish and stupid.”  
Freddie´s dark eyes suddenly seemed to burn with urgency.  
“Brian…if there would be anything to take back the things that I´ve done and said…I´d do it…”, he was speaking fast, stumbling over his words, inching closer to Brian. 

But Brian stopped his stream of words by simply shaking his head.  
“Have you talked to her about this?”, he simply asked and Freddie´s eyes went wide.

“A-about…us? About you…and me?”, the singer asked quietly, the words tumbling out with hesitation. 

“No…about the issues you and Mary are facing with each other, Freddie.”, Brian said and he was glad that his voice sounded steady.

“No…”, Freddie murmured and Brian sighed, putting down his mug of tea. He knew that it would have been sensible to simply leave. 

Yes, Freddie had apologized and by his words, Brian could tell that he had understood which parts of his actions had hurt the guitarist, but still, the real problem was not solved at all. Freddie was still lying to Mary, Mary still didn´t know and they still hadn´t talked about the horrible things they had thrown at each other during their fight. 

“Freddie…if you don´t talk to her…if you two don´t sort this out…”, Brian said slowly, his eyes set on the singer, who looked small and helpless in front of him.

“Seeing you hurt each other like that…It was horrible…I was the most terrible things I´ve ever seen…”, Brian continued and watched Freddie rub a hand over his tired eyes. 

“I know…I know, we were just…I hurt her so bad, I should have never…Fuck!”, the singer hissed, his voice thick with emotion.  
Brian fought the urge to simply scoot over to the Persian and pull him into a comforting hug, to hold him, to tell him that they could work this out together, that he was there for him, always there. But his sense of self-worth was holding him back from doing so. 

Freddie had to take responsibility for his actions, had to sort things out with Mary on his own. Brian couldn´t do that for him.

“So…when you said that she didn´t know…about you being with other men before…you lied?”, the guitarist asked after the both of them had been silent for a few tense moments. He knew that if he didn´t ask those questions now, he never would.

Freddie looked up at him and there was something inside his eyes, that showed Brian that he was willing to answer, that he knew that he owed Brian those explanations. 

“She doesn´t know about the men I´ve been with in recent years. She only knows about…about the things that happened when I was at school.”, he explained, his voice slightly strained. “She thinks it´s all in the past…that I was just lonely back then…and confused…she knows what it´s like at those boarding schools, she´s heard the stories…But she doesn’t know that…”, he halted, swallowing thickly, as if he couldn´t continue to speak, as if he didn´t know how to go on.

“That you feel attracted to men…?”, Brian tried to finish his sentence and Freddie nodded slowly.

“Yes…and that…”, the singer murmured, breathing in deeply, still at a loss for words, tense and awkward.

“…That you want to sleep with other men while still being with her?”, Brian said, subconsciously having inched closer to the singer, who slowly found his gaze and suddenly looked very defeated. 

“That I fall in love…with men…”, Freddie finally finished the sentence, his voice suddenly more steady.

“While still loving her?”, Brian added, although he knew he shouldn´t have. Jealousy was an ugly emotion that ate away at the heart and made one make a fool of himself. Maybe Brian was a fool. 

“Yes…”, the Persian replied, still looking at Brian but then slowly lowering his gaze. “Although she clearly doesn´t care much about that…”, he added in a murmur, putting his mug down onto his cluttered nightstand.

“Freddie, she was angry…she was hurt…just like you…”, Brian said. Sometimes he really didn´t know why he was still defending Mary, why he was still trying to make Freddie understand that all of this wasn´t exactly easy for her as well. 

Maybe it was because they had once been good friends, because there had once been a time, a carefree summer they had spent together, where they had been closer, where he had discovered her sweet caring, nature. Maybe it was because he knew how she felt, because he knew what it was like to love and to be scared. 

“She betrayed me!”, Freddie hissed and pulled Brian from his thoughts. “She promised to never tell a soul about what I told her…about my time in India…She promised!”, for a second, he almost seemed gone to Brian, lost in the memories, lost in all his pain and his fear and his feelings of being lied to and betrayed.

Brian watched him take a deep breath, slowly returning from his memories and finding the guitarist´s gaze. 

“Brian…I´m sorry you had to witness this…I´m so ashamed of myself…”, he said in a quiet voice, his upper lip quivering slightly. Brian felt his heart clenching with sympathy for the other man.

“Is this how it´s been with you guys for the last weeks, Freddie?”, he asked softly. 

Freddie shook his head, brushing away a wavy strand of hair from his forehead, his hands shaking slightly.

“No…we´ve never been like this before…I don´t even know what got into me, I just…I snapped…God…I should have never…grabbed her like that…”, he seemed visibly distressed now, his hands shaking so bad that Brian wanted nothing more than to take them into his, hold them, calm his friend down. 

But he knew that he had to keep asking the questions that kept him up at night. He had to say the things that weighed heavy on his mind, that burdened his heart. Even if it hurt.

“Freddie, listen…we can´t continue this…this affair…if this is the outcome of it all…You two can´t keep hurting each other like that.”

Freddie looked up at him as if Brian had slapped him hard, inching so close that their legs were now almost touching, his features full of pain and desperate fear.  
“No…Brian…Brian, please…I promise…I promise I´ll talk to her…I-I´ll tell her the truth…the whole truth…”, he stammered, his fingers fisting into the sheets. 

“What even happened after I left?”, Brian asked, struggling to not scoot closer himself, to stay where he was.

“She just cried…I´ve never seen her cry like this, she was so…devastated…I tried to comfort her, but…she wouldn´t even let me speak to her…so we just sat there for a while…quiet…and then at one point she stopped crying…and she just left…told me not to call her…not to try and see her…not to come to her house…”, Freddie said, his voice unsteady, his shaking fingers wiping at his misty eyes, his breaths slightly uneven. 

Oh God, he was actually crying. Brian couldn´t keep up his hard façade any longer. 

“Oh Freddie…I´m so…so sorry…“, his hands grabbed onto Freddie´s and the singer practically clung to him, his fingers still shaking so badly. 

„You´re sorry, Brimi?! You have nothing to be sorry for! I am the one who owes you an apology! A thousand really! I just…how…how can I show you, that…?”, Freddie pleaded, but Brian just gave the singer´s hands a firm squeeze. 

“Talk to her, Freddie! You can talk to her and finally tell her how you really feel.”, he said in a firm but warm voice and the Persian quickly nodded. 

“I promise…I promise with all my heart, Bri…”, Freddie breath hitched when he spoke and he was blinking against the tears again.

Brian swallowed thickly, looking down at their hands, fingers tangled, holding on tightly. The simple contact of skin felt healing to him. He had missed Freddie´s touch so terribly, missed holding onto his hands.  
But he knew he couldn´t fall back into old patterns again.

“Good…”, he murmured quietly, gave Freddie´s clammy hands one last squeeze and then got up from the bed, letting go of the other man.

The singer seemed panicked, his breathing speeding up, his fingers clinging on to Brian.  
“Wha-where are you going?”, he asked, his eyes huge and dark and full of fear. 

Brian had to look away to even be able to speak at all. 

“Home…I´ve brought you your shirt, we´ve talked…I´ve got a lot more studying to do so I should be off.”, the words sounded hollow to him, like an excuse to escape the difficult situation, to leave Freddie behind. 

The singer seemingly needed a moment to simply process what his friend had said. Brian watched him take a deep breath, lashes fluttering until he slowly let go of Brian´s hands and then straightened up. 

“Alright…”, he murmured quietly, nervously licking his lower lip, sniffling and getting up from the bed as well. There was a flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. 

Brian cleared his throat, already turning over to the door when he heard Freddie´s words.

“Watching you with her…it…felt like hell. I never…never ever want to share you with her ever again…”, Freddie´s voice was shaking still, but the words came out clear and when the guitarist turned around, he felt like they had come from the singers heart, seeing him standing there, no pretence, no lies, just the truth. 

Still, Brian didn´t understand.

“Why did you want me to sleep with her then? You just gave me these looks like you were saying Please Brian, please get on with it!”, he asked, his brows furrowed, his hands raised, palms open. 

“I thought you actually wanted to. I thought you understood that I was giving you permission to sleep with her…she clearly wanted to sleep with you too. I thought I was doing you a favour.”, Freddie tried to explain, desperately trying to make Brian understand. 

But the guitarist shook his head, feeling frustration rise inside of him.  
“Freddie, we´ve talked about this. I don´t want to sleep with her! I´m not interested in her in that way. I told you so before!”, his voice had gotten a little louder and Freddie simply lowered his head, his arms slung around his slender form, looking like a little boy who was being told off.

“But…well I thought that…maybe you just said it because…you know…”, he murmured quietly but his head shot up when he heard Brian´s words.

“No Freddie, I don´t know! I don´t why you still think that this is about Mary. Seeing you with her was hell to me as well because…”, the guitarist couldn´t help but come closer again, taking a few steps towards his friend until he was standing right in front of him.

“Because I never ever want to share you with her…ever…again…”, Brian added, his gaze meeting Freddie´s, letting him see the pain, the jealousy, the heartache, all of it. 

Freddie´s hands reached for him, he took a final step towards Brian, but the guitarist flinched backwards.

“No…don´t…”, he hissed and he could see Freddie´s heart breaking into a million pieces when he looked back into his dark eyes. “I´m not your toy…I´m not something you two can play with whenever you please to…It hurts, Freddie. It hurts…so much…”, Brian got out, his throat incredibly tight.

Freddie´s hands didn´t reach for him. Although the singer stepped closer again, they lingered, only inches from touching him. 

“I never…God, Brian…. My darling, I´m so sorry…please…let me…please…don´t pull away like that…”, Freddie pleaded, upper lip quivering, as he added, a little more quietly, “I miss you so much…”

It was Brian who finally leaned into him, feeling Freddie´s palms on his upper arms and then on his shoulders, pulling him closer, his arms holding him as a sigh of relief escaped him. 

“I miss you too, Freddie…”, he whispered, leaning down to hide his face in Freddie´s shoulder, breathing in his scent, heaving for air, smelling laundry detergent, zesty black tea, rose petal soap, musky after shave. 

“All of this is so…messed up…”, Brian´s lips scraped across the skin on Freddie´s neck and he yearned to press them against it.

“I know…I know, Bri, I´m so sorry…”, Freddie´s voice was full of warmth, full of tenderness, his hands gently soothing over Brian´s bony back. 

Brian felt like he was about to cry. He felt like his heart might break, simply burst from all the emotions he was feeling, like he was going to collapse under the weight of the secret of their love. He felt like Freddie´s embrace was the only thing holding him together right now. 

“I can´t even tell right from wrong anymore…”, he whispered and Freddie held onto him tighter. 

“Please don´t go…please…I promise…I´ll make it right, Brimi…I´ll make it right…”, the singer replied, pressing a gentle kiss up to Brian´s temple. 

The guitarist shook his head slightly, feeling tears burning hotly in the corners of his eyes.  
“Freddie…don´t make promises you can´t keep…”, he murmured. He felt Freddie´s palms gently wandering up to his cheeks, coaxing the guitarist to lift his head, to look at him. 

Brian flushed, when he looked into his friend´s eyes, embarrassed of his tears, but still so very hurt, so afraid of the further pain that could come with what he felt for the Persian.

“I´d do anything for you, Brian. Anything!”, Freddie said, his voice steady, determination in his dark eyes. 

“Freddie…”, Brian murmured. He wanted to believe him, wanted to abandon all doubt and simply let the other man hold him. But he couldn´t. 

“Brian…please…”, Freddie whispered, his thumbs stroking over Brian´s cheeks, leaning in more, his breath ghosting over Brian´s chin.

But the guitarist took hold of the singer´s wrists and slowly pulled his hands away, shaking his head.

“Please what, Freddie? What do you…what is it that you want from me?”, he asked, staring into the singer´s brown eyes, trying to keep his composure. 

Freddie didn´t back away, kept looking at him, his face open, his features soft.  
“Bri, I-I know it´s difficult, but…please give me some time…That´s all I´m asking from you.”, he took a deep breath, struggling to continue to speak. “Please give me a chance to sort out this mess. I don´t know…what…I´m feeling for…Shit, why is this so bloody hard?”, he lowered his head, needing a moment to compose himself. 

Brian felt goose bumps rising on his arms, his heart starting to beat hard and fast. Had Freddie been about to say what Brian thought he was going to say? 

“Things have changed in the last couple of weeks…My…feelings…for you…”, Freddie continued, slowly looking back up at Brian, biting his lip, suddenly shaky again. “I thought we could just keep on having a little bit of fun…as friends…keep it casual…but…”, he stopped again and this time it was Brian who touched him, who reached out, hands on Freddie´s shoulders, squeezing softly.

“But…now you´re feeling…differently…about me?”, he dared to ask in a quiet voice.

“Yes…”, Freddie replied shyly, nodding his head.

“Different…as in?”, Brian continued to ask, leaning in a little more. 

“As in…I…I´m…”, Freddie stuttered, but then he met Brian´s gaze while his fingers searched for the other man´s hand, taking it and gently placing it onto the left side of his chest. Brian´s palm met the soft material of Freddie´s cotton shirt, his thumb gently stroking against it.

“Can you feel how fast my heart is beating? That´s how I feel about you, Brian. I keep thinking about you…when you´re not with me, I can´t sleep…I can´t focus on anything…not my projects for uni, not writing songs…Seeing you but not being able to be close to you…it hurts so much…You mean the world to me, Brian.”

The worlds tumbled out of Freddie´s mouth like a violent stream, his cheeks flushing, his breathing harsh. When he ended, he seemed embarrassed and relieved at the same time.

“Really? Freddie…”, Brian asked quietly, but the singer gave an unbelieving little laugh, shaking his head, gently laying a hand onto Brian´s cheek. The guitarist couldn´t help but lean into the touch.

“Do you think I´d make this up? Do you think that those nights we spent together left no mark on me? That they had no effect on me whatsoever?”, he asked.

Brian let out a long breath he didn´t know he had been holding. Even though Freddie´s words offered a brand new perspective to their situation, he still wasn´t done with asking questions, yearning to soothe his heart that was screaming for proof of the other man´s…love? Was it love that Freddie was feeling for him?

“Did you feel like that…for those other men? The men you were seeing before?”, Brian asked, feeling silly and jealous but still not being able to keep the words from springing from his lips.

“No…sometimes I tricked myself into thinking that it meant something. But it didn´t…not in comparison to what you mean to me.”, Freddie answered, looking up at him, his fingers tenderly stroking Brian´s cheek.

Brian sighed. The singer´s words made his defences crumble, made him want to trust again. He let Freddie pull him closer, burying his face in the crook of the Persian´s neck once more, letting himself be held while holding on tightly to Freddie´s slim body himself. 

The singer´s finger smoothed down his hair, gently running over his neck, his back and Brian felt like he was getting drunk on the other man´s touch. He allowed himself to experience the feeling of relief, the ache of the absence of the man he desired and adored soothed by his gentle touches. 

Finally being close to Freddie again was like the first gulp of water after an endless walk in the desert. His heart felt bare and vulnerable, as if it was beating under Freddie´s wandering palms, readily awaiting his every touch, craving love, craving contact. 

“Brian…”,Freddie whispered against his cheek. “May I kiss you?...Please…”

The guitarist leaned into the direction of Freddie´s warm breath, his hands still laying on the front of the Persian´s shirt. 

“Yes…”, he breathed, eyes fluttering shut, feeling weak in the knees when Freddie´s warm, soft lips pressed against his. 

The kiss lit a spark inside of him, painting his previous dull, grey world in vivid colours, lifting a weight from his chest, making his nerve-endings sing. 

Freddie´s lips were gentle on his, but as Brian responded to their pressure, moving against them, they quickly fell into a rhythm that was comfortingly familiar and excitingly new at the same time. 

Inside of him, Brian felt the sudden urge to be closer and closer still, his hands roaming over Freddie´s back, allowing himself to feel the pain, feel the heartache of having been separated, of heartbreak. His tongue nudged against the singer´s lips and was granted entrance, licking into the warm, wet heat of Freddie´s mouth. 

It was like a dance, although Brian was surprised of his need to take the lead, to take, to feel, to pull and push, rub, lick, to cover Freddie in his fingerprints and his kisses. 

He was dominating the kiss by now, Freddie moaning weakly when Brian´s hands fisted into the front of his shirt, pulling him even closer, forcing the singer to stand on his tip toes to reach up to Brian.  
When they broke the kiss, they were both breathing hard, breathless with want, sinking into each other´s arms. Freddie´s nose pressed against Brian´s neck, the guitarist could hear him breathing in deeply. Brian´s fingers stroked the velvety soft skin behind Freddie´s ear, nuzzling at his earlobe. 

Their lips found each other again, this time even more hungry for contact. Brian felt dizzy with want. Simply feeling the other man so close to him, holding again, playing his words in his head over and over again made him feel jittery with happiness.

He knew that nothing was settled, that nothing was certain. But Freddie was with him again and he had said that it, this, them…it meant something to him. And that was all the hope Brian needed right now to feel whole again. 

“I´ve missed you so much…”, Freddie gasped against his lips, mouth red and tempting, eyes hauntingly dark. 

“I´ve missed you too, Fred…”, Brian whispered before he dove into the next kiss, his tongue pushing against Freddie´s, taking control, eagerly licking, prodding, pushing. Freddie was putty in his hands and Brian loved it, loved how the singer sighed and leaned into him, eager to be touched, eager to please. 

Brian´s kisses wandered from his lips down to the corner of his mouth and his cheek, to his neck, making Freddie hiss, closing his eyes and baring his neck to Brian.

The guitarist pushed away the collar of Freddie´s shirt and kissed the newly exposed skin, making the singer moan breathily. He was tracing the line of Freddie´s collarbone with his tongue, nipping at it with lips and teeth, his head spinning with desire. 

“Brian…Brian please…”, Freddie pleaded, shivering under the guitarist´s ministrations. 

Freddie raised his head, kissing up the other man´s neck until he was able to look at him again.  
“I want you…Brian, please, I need you…”, Freddie whispered with shaking lips, quickly kissing Brian once, twice, eager and willing under the guitarist´s palms. 

“You need me?”, Brian asked, the words clear, spoken without hesitation. For a second, he was baffled with his own boldness. But the aching need inside his heart, the need to hear the other man tell him how much he yearned for him, how much he needed him, how much he meant to him, was overbearing and taking over his every thought. 

“Yes Brimi…”, Freddie moaned, shivering against him when Brian´s hand possessively settled on his hips, his finger slipping under the light material of his shirt, pressing against the sharp outline of his hip bone. “Need you so much…need you to take me…”

Brian groaned at the words, his hands wandering under Freddie´s shirt and up his back, squeezing around his slim waist, making the singer gasp. 

Brian´s gaze found Freddie´s, the Persian was flushed with desire, eyes clouded with lust. 

“God Freddie…I should be mad at you…we shouldn´t be…”, Brian murmured, his brain clinging to his last ounce of sensibility, of reason. But then there was the feeling of Freddie´s bulge pressing against him, tenting his impossibly tiny shorts, an obscenely arousing sensation. 

“Please Brian…have me…I´m yours…yours to take…”, Freddie practically begged him and the jealous part of Brian´s heart, the one that yearned and wanted and had been starving for days, roared in victory. 

He pulled the smaller man into another bruising kiss while they started to stumble back towards the bed, practically tearing at each other´s clothes. Freddie´s clever fingers worked open the buttons of Brian´s paisley patterned shirt, making quick work of it and pushing it off the guitarist´s shoulders, Brian was just as eager to get Freddie out of his t-shirt and shorts. 

Soon they fell into the sheets, both wearing nothing but their underwear, which was off in mere seconds, their eager hands slipping down the fabric. 

Brian moaned brokenly, once he felt the singer´s hand wrap around his achingly hard prick again, the palm slick with the silky hand lotion he kept next to his bed at all times. Freddie´s skilful fingers glided up and down his length, making the guitarist heave for air, eager and jittery like it was his first time all over again. 

Oh God, no one´s hand had ever felt as good as Freddie´s. He knew that he should be touching Freddie too, but the overwhelming feeling he was all too familiar with from their previous nights spent together, was settling in once again. 

His mind, usually so quick and always ready, was failing him when it came to these matters, leaving him panting, his hands fisting into the sheets, while his body eagerly responded, his limbs heavy.

“You can take me from behind if you want to…”, the Persian panted against his lips after tossing Brian off for a few heavenly minutes and Brian awoke from his lust-drunken stupor, looking at Freddie, eyes wide. 

He´d never done this before, not with Freddie and certainly not with any girl he´d been with. Brian really wasn´t someone who had experimented in bed before and even though most people would certainly not think of this position as experimental, he had never before dared to even suggested it to any of the women he´d slept with.  
In this moment, he was glad that Freddie knew what he was doing, that he was much more experienced than Brian and would tell him what to do, would show him what felt good, would guide him without any judgement. 

“O-okay…yes, I´d like to try…”, he replied, slightly out of breath and Freddie nodded, wiggling out from under him as Brian pushed himself up from him. The singer turned around, presenting Brian his bottom, his hips narrow, the two firm rounds of tanned skin covered in darkish peach fuzz, that Brian ran his fingers over, making the singer, who was now on all fours, moan as if he was surprised. 

Brian took his time kissing down Freddie´s slender back, his hands stroking up Freddie´s ribcage, his fingers deftly rubbing over his nipples, making Freddie keen, dipping down the flat plateau of his stomach, stroking the coarse hair that trailed from his chest bone, down to his belly button and into his pubic hair. 

“Brian…ah…”, Freddie moaned helplessly, when the guitarist gently fondled his balls, purposely leaving his erection untouched while rolling one of the singer´s nipples between his thumb and pointer finger, feeling the sensitive little nub harden.

“Please…please don´t tease me…”, Freddie begged him and the slight jitter in his voice rose something inside of Brian, something strong and boiling hot that filled up his chest like pride, although much stronger, almost like an urge to continue his teasing and remain in absolute control of his lover´s pleasure. 

Still, the feeling was so new to him, that it almost scared him. Brian usually was just as sweet and generous in bed as he was in real life and he was eager to give Freddie what he wanted. Blindly, he reached for the small container of hand lotion on the ground, squirting some of it onto his finger, beginning to gently open up the other man. 

Freddie moaned, pushing against Brian, wanting him to go faster, but Brian was determined to take his time, carefully adding a second and then a third finger once he thought Freddie, who felt a bit tighter than usual, could take it. 

“Please…Brian…I need to feel you…”, Freddie moaned, a whimpering mess, rocking against Brian´s fingers. Sometimes the guitarist was fascinated with how Freddie could lose himself in physical pleasure to the point of seemingly forgetting all else. It was wonderous to him how shy, gentle Farrokh turned into a demanding, sometimes even greedy man, who whined and begged for Brian to finally have his way with him. 

The guitarist pulled out his fingers, holding onto Freddie´s hips and positioned himself behind the singer. One hand on himself, guiding his length, he pushed in, intending it to be a little slower, a little more gentle, but failing when he found the tight, warm heat of the other man´s body engulfing the tip of his cock. 

They both moaned in unison, when Brian pushed in all the way. The guitarist felt his hands gripping tightly onto Freddie´s narrow hips, squeezing against skin and bone, while he heaved for breath, his eyes closing in pleasure. 

Even after weeks of sleeping with each other, the moment of entering Freddie was always a struggle to Brian, bitter-sweet, painfully intense, beautifully defeating. A few times he had lost the fight, his orgasm washing over him mere moments after he had pushed in, but Freddie, sweet, caring Freddie took all he gave him, holding him through it, kissing his flushed face, whispering sweet praises into his ear. 

Brian felt, that when they were together, when they shared the bed, there was nothing for him to be embarrassed about. Freddie accepted him, inexperienced, long-limbed and nervous as he was and made him feel wanted and even beautiful. 

“Brimi…please…you feel so good…”, Freddie groaned, clenching around him, pushing up against him. “Please…please move…”

As if he was in a trance, Brian felt himself starting to thrust into the other man, wringing breathy moans from him. He urgently tried to hold onto his control, trying to keep his movements even, trying to hold himself back from going too fast, too deep, but it was in vain. 

His body seemed to have a mind of his own and soon, he was taking the other man with quick, hard strokes that made the bedframe squeak and caused their skin to slap against each other in an almost obscene noise. 

Again and again Brian had to halt, brace himself, taking in deep, even breaths, until Freddie urged him: “Bri, please…don´t stop…don´t hold yourself back…”

And it was getting harder to do just the opposite, clinging onto his self-control, wanting to last. Locks of his hair were sticking to his sweaty forehead and cheeks, his heart was hammering away in his chest and everything inside of his body was screaming at him to set all worries aside and simply go for it. 

When he almost completely bottomed out and set another hard thrust, Freddie moaned so loudly that Brian almost believed his friend had come already. But he made a very similar sound when Brian repeated the process for a second and third time before settling into a rhythm that could almost be described as punishing, forcefully thrusting in all the way, his breath hitching with each stroke. 

“Yes…that´s it…so good…fuck, so good, Brian…don´t stop…”, the singer whimpered, Brian´s thrust knocking the breath out of his lungs.

“I couldn´t stop…not even if I wanted to…”, Brian replied with a breathless laugh, his voice hoarse and ragged. 

“Good…because I want you to keep doing this…until you come…because I´m gonna…ahh…soon…”, Freddie replied, arching his back, his shoulders tense. 

The next few hard thrusts wrung a series of whines and groans from him, his face pressed into the pillow underneath him.  
Freddie almost sounded like he was sobbing, while Brian proceeded to pound into him.

Harsh breaths, skin slapping on skin, the rushing of his blood in his ears, those were the sounds that Brian could hear. It was primal but it felt ultimately freeing on another level that Brian couldn´t quite grasp. 

There was something eye-opening about allowing his mind to shut down while his body took over, even though it scared him at the same time.

“Harder!”, Freddie demanded, his voice slightly muffled by the pillow under him. “Come on, Brian! Fuck me!”, he groaned, the filthy words slipping from his lips with ease. 

“I don´t want to hurt you…”, Brian panted, his voice slightly strained, struggling to keep up the punishing pace Freddie was demanding of him.

“I´m not made of glass…”, Freddie said, meeting Brian´s hips at every move, his shoulders tense.  
“Come on, you don´t have to hold back…I can take it…”, he added, sounding almost impatient as he couldn´t find Brian changing the pace to go even harder. 

There was something holding the guitarist back from doing so. The tension in Freddie´s shoulder, the strain in his voice, the way his breathing hitched every time Brian pushed into him slightly deeper.  
It would be too much. 

Something inside Brian told him that this “too much” was what Freddie was craving, wanting to be hurt, wanting to be pushed to the edge, crossing the line from pleasure to pain. He was familiar with these tendencies in Freddie, overindulging on alcohol, weed and pills, craving the rush, the feeling of losing control, of letting go.  
Brian was inexperienced in these sexual matters and even though he knew that there probably was a healthy, a consenting way of enjoying these things, he knew that now was not the time and place for that. 

Freddie´s wellbeing was more important than his sexual desires and quite frankly, his tendencies to yearn for pain, self-sabotage and overstimulation. 

Brian leaned forward, willing his hips to slow down until they almost stood still, even though it earned him a displeased little whine from his friend.

“Freddie…Fred…listen…”, the guitarists lips were almost touching Freddie´s ear now. The hand he had previously placed on the Persians hip now wandered to the side of his torso, gently stroking the sweaty skin, a slightly awkward but tender gesture to calm the other man down.

“I am not going to hurt you…Do you hear me?”, Brian said with determination. 

Freddie stayed quiet, his harsh breathing the only sound coming from his lips, muffled by the pillow underneath him. 

“Fred?”, Brian said, voice soft and quiet and he pressed a kiss to the singer´s shoulder blade, damp against his lips. 

“Yes…”, Freddie finally breathed, quietly, as if he was suddenly ashamed of what he had previously asked of Brian, lifting his head from the pillow as he spoke. 

“Good.”, Brian pressed another kiss to Freddie´s skin, brushing his wavy hair away and planting his lips in the Persian´s neck, making him shiver.  
When he started moving again, his thrust were without their previous desperation, more precise. 

At the same time his hand had wandered down to Freddie´s prick. Almost gently, he started stroking him, sometimes only letting his fingertips ghost over the heated flesh. 

To his surprise, Freddie responded beautifully, giving him a long, drawn out moan as Brian started to become a bit firmer with his strokes and a bit more forceful with his thrusts again. 

“You like that?”, Brian asked him, kissing the singer´s shoulder once again, licking a droplet of sweat from it in a sudden rush of possessiveness. 

Freddie nodded, leaning into Brian´s touch, “Yeah…feels so good…”

Still, Brian paid close attention to the way Freddie was responding, his hand on the other man´s hips, his grip firm but not bruising. Freddie seemed to enjoy the way Brian was taking care of him, carefully matching the movements of his body to his rather than simply chasing after his own pleasure. 

Almost by accident, Brian slightly changed the angle by which he was pushing into his friend and with his next move, he had Freddie moaning loudly, almost sounding as if he was in pain.

“Fred, are you alright?”, Brian asked him worriedly. 

“Yeah…”, Freddie gasped, pushing up against him. “Do that again…please, Brimi, do that again…”

Brian assumed that by “that” his friend simply meant continuing to move and when Brian pulled out slightly and sank into him again, Freddie shuddered under him, moaning almost brokenly. 

Brian´s thrusts were speeding up again and the guitarist was struggling to not lose his focus, to make it last as long as possible, even though he could already feel a familiar tightness in his loins.  
Freddie was a shivering, moaning mess but his hips were still meeting each of Brian´s thrusts, his moans hoarse and urgent. Brian watched another drop of sweat running down his neck, a perfect little line between his shoulder blades as Freddie pushed himself up on his elbows, his back arching.

“Bri…you´re going to make me c-ahhh fuck c-come…”, the singer babbled, his voice strained when Brian started tossing him off faster, his rough palm deftly focusing on the head of the singer´s prick, already feeling precum dampening his fingers.

Hearing the other man like this, desperate, needy and so very vulnerable, started a chain reaction within Brian. God, he loved this! Being in control, feeling the power he had over Freddie and knowing that he was the one taking such good care of his lover, that he was the one who made him feel so very good. 

Brian had never considered himself to be someone who enjoyed being dominant, someone who liked to take the lead. But right here, right now, it was exhilarating. 

Brian leaned down again until his naked chest was touching Freddie´s slightly damp back, his mouth so close to the other man´s ear that his lips were almost touching it.

“Yeah? You wanna come, Fred?”, Brian heard himself groaning and Freddie shuddered under him, almost going limp for a second, heaving for air. 

“Yes…fuck yes…please…”, the singer whimpered, eagerly pushing back at Brian whenever the guitarist´s hips met his backside. The Persian almost seemed like he was in a trance.

“Then come for me, Baby…”, Brian heard his own voice rumbling. 

Freddie whined, arching his back and only seconds later, Brian felt the Persian´s hot, sticky release on his fingers. He managed a few more stuttering movements of his hips, losing his focus in the feeling of Freddie´s leaking cock in his palm and the singer´s sweet sighs in his ears. 

In this moment, Freddie was his. His and his alone! He was the one who made the singer come like that, who made him shudder and moan and even cry out in pleasure.  
It was this thought that gave Brian the final push to tumble over the edge, groaning low in his throat, eyes squeezed shut. 

He sank forward as Freddie´s arms gave in, the singer allowing himself to fall into the pillows while Brian struggled to hold his balance. He needed to rest but much more urgently, he needed to hold Freddie right now, to be able to look at him and make sure that he was alright after such an intense orgasm. 

“I´m just gonna…”, he murmured, his speech sounding slightly slurred by how hard he was still breathing.

“Yeah…”, Freddie nodded quickly. 

When Brian pulled out, the singer gave a little hiss, his shoulders tensing again. 

“Sorry…sorry…”, Brian whispered, quickly pressing a little kiss to Freddie´s shoulder blade, laying down next to him and guiding his friend to rest in his arms. 

Freddie simply slumped down onto his chest, the sweat dampened hair tickling Brian´s chin.  
“Oh my god…darling, that was…”, the singer murmured, slowly coming to his senses again, while Brian gently ran his fingers up and down his friend´s slim back, the peach fuzz between his shoulder blades feeling heavenly soft.

He needed a few moments himself, to come down from the high, to catch his breath as he felt his heartbeat slowing down again. 

Brian found himself nuzzling against Freddie´s hair, pushing the dark wavy strands of Freddie´s wonky fringe away to kiss his damp forehead.  
“Was I too rough with you?”, he asked quietly against his friend´s warm skin.

He felt Freddie moving, raising his head so he could look at Brian. There was a flush clinging to his high cheekbones and Brian gently caressed his heated cheek with his hand. Freddie leaned into his touch.  
“No…No love, it was just right…”, he pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Brian´s mouth, clumsy with exhaustion. “You were perfect…so good for me, Brimi…”, he added, smiling against Brian´s lips, lashes fluttering closed, before he kissed the guitarist again. 

“Well I´m glad…”, Brian smiled back at him, feeling warm and content, his limbs heavy and his heart beating fast. 

When had they become like this? When had they started to fall into this routine where Freddie´s pleasure became his own, where touching the other man felt like touching another part of himself? Where he couldn´t be without the other man´s presence, not even for a few days.

Freddie chuckled and with a final sweet peck to Brian´s lips, laid his head back down onto the guitarist´s shoulder, his delicate fingers tracing the line of Brian´s collarbone, playing with the sparse, blondish hair that grew on his chest.

The guitarist sighed, kissing Freddie´s forehead, soft and slightly clumsy in his tenderness, his heart spilling over with the need to make his friend understand…understand what he himself couldn´t fathom…Brian knew by now that he was in love, still he rarely dared to even think about it.

“You called me Baby…”, Freddie suddenly whispered and Brian blinked his eyes open.

“Yeah…yeah I did…”, he answered quietly, only now realising that in fact he had. The word had simply spilled from his lips in a spur of passion, although, to his surprise, he wasn´t embarrassed about it. It still felt right to him.

“I like it…I like it when you call me that…when we´re in bed.”, Freddie replied, his fingertips grazing over Brian´s nipple, making him hum softly. 

“I´ll remember to do it more often then…”, he said, watching Freddie raise his head, a cheeky little glint in his dark eyes. 

They smiled at each other for a precious moment, but to Brian´s great sorrow, his mind would not let him have a mere glimpse of peace. Maybe it would ruin the moment, but he had to get it out. 

“Fred…You know that this doesn´t magically fix everything, do you?”, he whispered, his voice soft but his eyes full of honesty. 

Freddie´s gaze stayed on him, a conflicted sense of shame flickering inside of them, then he slowly nodded his head, the arm around Brian´s shoulders squeezing him gently.  
“Yes…yes, I know, Bri.”, the singer replied.

“Good…”, Brian longed to kiss the other man, but it felt like it would invalidate his previous statement. So he resumed to softly stroking Freddie´s cheek with his thumb.

They seemed to lose themselves in the other man´s eyes, both feeling the knowledge of the truth creep up on them already. Because it would have been easy for Brian to say that hearing Freddie being so cruel, so cold and mocking on the night of the party had changed his feelings about his friend. In reality, hearing Freddie telling him that he did feel it too, the shift in their dynamic, the closeness, the bond between them that had grown even stronger, made Brian hope again. 

And for the first time since he had started to harbour those secret feelings for the Persian, he felt a sense of safety, the glimpse of…a future maybe? 

The sudden sound of the flat´s front door opening and closing loudly rose them both from their comfortably sleepy haze. 

“Hello, I´m home!”, they heard Roger calling from the hallway and both of them went pale. 

“Shit!”, Freddie cursed, quickly getting up from the bed, picking up his and Brian´s clothes from the floor. “He was supposed to stay at Eileen´s for God´s sake!”, Freddie continued to hiss. Roger´s steps were already crossing the small hallway of the flat and Brian was still struggling to get into his jeans, not even having put on his underwear that was lost somewhere under the covers. 

“Freddie? Mate? Where are you? Are you wanking off in the bathroom again, you little pervert?”, they heard Roger and Freddie rolled his eyes, quickly handing Brian his shirt, while the guitarist couldn´t help but snicker. 

“That was once! Years ago!”, he tried to explain, actually blushing like a school boy who had been caught doing something naughty and Brian had to laugh even harder.

“Fred?”, they heard Roger and the guitarist realised that they were only mere seconds from uncovering their secret. 

“We need to get a window open…”, he quickly murmured, rushing over to the window next to Freddie´s cluttered desk. The stuffy air inside the room reeked of sex.

“I´ll go and say hi to him…I´ll just come up with a story!”, Freddie whispered and Brian couldn´t help for the smile that tugged at his lips. Warmth blossomed inside his chest, as he watched Freddie quickly trying to smooth down his messy hair in the mirror by the door, before he went outside into the hallway.

“Hey Roggie!”, he heard Freddie greeting their drummer, trying very hard to sound casual. “Thought you´d stay the night at Eileen´s.”

“Nah, her parents are back home. It´s horrid, I´m telling you. They wouldn´t even let me go up to her room, we just had to sit in the living room with them and watch tv. I mean, her folks are nice and all but…meeting her dad was quite terrifying. He looked at me like I was a dangerous criminal or something.”, Brian heard Roger saying, while he quickly tried to make the bed look less like they had just had a good shag in it, pulling the duvet straight.

“Yeah yeah…I can imagine…What a bummer.”, Freddie said.

“Well, at least I got to eat a ton of cake, I´m stuffed to the brim.”, Roger sounded pleased with himself and Brian was actually glad for him. He knew that both him and Freddie often times struggled with making ends meet, going with just one meal a day when things looked very grim.

“Well, lucky you, we don´t have anything in anymore.”

“Ah crap…sorry mate…should have brought some cake for you as well…”

Brian found his underwear under the duvet and quickly stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans. 

“Thanks Rog, that´s alright. I´ll be okay…”

“Are you sure? You look a bit flushed? You´re not getting ill, are you? You know, I haven´t paid much attention at uni, but I know that not getting enough food weakens your immune system and then you´ll get sick much faster.”  
Roger actually sounded a little worried about his friend.

“No, no, don´t you worry, Rog.”, Brian heard Freddie muttering quickly.

At that moment, Roger spotted the guitarist through the creek in the door. Freddie had been in such a hurry to distract his friend that he had forgotten to close the door to his room.

“Oh, hey Brian! Didn´t know you were here as well.”, the drummer seemed quite surprised to suddenly see him there, stand in front of Freddie´s bed.

Brian´s mind came up with an excuse surprisingly quickly. He lied without even blushing.

“Hi Roger! Yeah…well, Freddie wanted to show me one of the new outfits he´s planned for upcoming gigs. He wanted to show me the sketch to make sure I was okay with what he had in mind for me. You know how flamboyant his style can be sometimes.”

“Yeah, I do know...”, the drummer chuckled and Brian saw Freddie rolling his eyes at him.

“Well, I dress to kill but tastefully.”, the singer replied, his chin raised.

“Sure mate…”, Roger giggled, “Make sure you´ll show me whatever monstrosity you´ve got planned for me thought. Don´t want to go out looking I walked right out of my year 12 end of year production of some Shakespeare bullshit.”

“Sure Roggie”, Freddie replied, his smile quite relieved.

“Alright, I´m making tea! And then I want to see those outfit sketches! Might even have a few ideas for them myself!”, Roger announced, before he was on his way to the kitchen.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings,  
> time for a new chapter! This one´s kind of a slow one. Nonetheless, there is some quite important emotional development between or boys and the next one will be far more...exciting shall I say.  
> Anyways, enjoy, my loves!

Brian´s fingers lazily played the strings of his acoustic guitar, no rush or determination in his movements, simply enjoying the sounds he drew from the vibrations of the strings. 

He was slightly tipsy, a pleasant warm feeling filling his head, a gentle buzz, warm and content. He had only had one beer after all, the empty bottle was still standing next to his bed and to a certain extent, he enjoyed not getting shit-faced for once, not feeling the need to.

He was lounging on bed, his back resting against the headboard. The night air that came in through the open window of his room was sweet and warm, smelling faintly of rain. Brian could already hear thunder rumbling in the distance and he hoped that Deaky and Roger would manage to get to the bus stop before it started pouring down with rain. 

They had left a mere ten minutes ago, realising that it was already after midnight and they both had class tomorrow. 

After their weekly rehearsal, they had all decided to have a beer over at Brian´s place, a rather spontaneous idea which had turned out to be a very good one.  
Maybe it was because their appointment with the guy from De-Lane-Lea Studios was fast approaching and they wanted to work on some songs, spent some quality time together, just as friends and maybe get creative for a bit, if they felt like it. 

The notepad John had scribbled the lyrics they had come up with on, was still lying next to Brian on the duvet, John´s neat handwriting filling the page. 

But maybe it wasn´t just because they wanted to spend more time together as a band, that they had decided to come over to Brian´s. Maybe it was also because John and Roger had noticed that things between Brian and Freddie seemed to have become more relaxed again, normal almost. 

Well, not exactly how they had been before, since Brian had a strong suspicion that his friends knew that something was up, but a lot less tense than at their last rehearsal, when the two of them hadn´t even been able to look each other in the eyes.

From his early childhood on, Brian had been able to sense these things in people, to notice slight changes in behaviour, knowing glances, a small smile even from Roger when Freddie had casually announced that he had afternoon classes on the following day and would stay at Brian´s a little longer.

Brian strongly suspected that they hadn´t been as subtle as they thought they´d been, when Roger had unexpectedly come back to the flat and almost caught them red-handed about a week ago. 

A few weeks ago, the thought of his friends knowing about what was going on between Freddie and him, even suspecting anything, had made him panic. For some reason, it had been ingrained in him that the things they were doing had to be kept a secret, that they were to be hidden away, unacceptable, offensive and downright horrifying to other people. 

But then he thought about the fact that Roger was Freddie´s flatmates and both of their best friend, just like John was. Brian was a man of hard facts and straight logic, but he was also aware of the fact that some things didn´t need to be spoken aloud to be sensed by other people. 

Roger hadn´t asked any questions as to why Freddie stayed behind at Brian´s place when they were leaving but the knowing look he had shot John and the small smile the bassist had spotted when they had left had been a lot more telling than any probing question would have been. They did probably suspect that something was up, although Brian doubted that his friends knew about the full extent of it all. 

The whole truth, that Brian himself couldn´t fathom properly sometimes.

Still, he was happy that the atmosphere between the four of them now seemed much more relaxed. He had enjoyed the evening they had spent together, since it had been a welcome distraction from his rigorous regime of lectures, study groups, essays and late nights spent working. 

Exams were just around the corner for all of them, but they all had decided to simply allow themselves an evening of not working.

Brian looked up from the strings of his guitar, when Freddie entered the room, slipping in through the crack in the door, quickly closing it behind him and taking a seat next to Brian on the bed.  
There was a small smile tugging at his lips when his dark eyes found Brian´s and the guitarist felt it once again. The familiar sensation of butterflies in his stomach, when the singer smiled at him. 

“You´ve been playing my song…”, Freddie stated softly and it was only then that Brian realised that the soft chords he had struck on the guitar hadn´t entirely sprung from his own mind. They hadn´t showed Freddie´s new song, Funny How Love Is, to Roger and Deaky yet.

Brian didn´t know exactly why. Maybe because showing it to them would feel like giving away their secret, even though he knew that it was foolish to think that Freddie had written it with him in mind. 

“Yeah, I thought I´d add to it a bit…just a few chords to back it up…”, Brian replied and watched Freddie lying down next to him, stretching like a cat, his hand casually resting on Brian´s bony knee, casually tracing the stripy pattern of his corduroy trousers. 

“Sounds beautiful…”, Freddie said, smiling up at him, a few strands of dark hair falling into his face as he quickly brushed them away. “The way you play it always makes it sound so much more lovely…”  
It was compliments like these that made Brian blush and his heart bet faster. The fact that Freddie said it like this, said that his own songs became more beautiful by Brian playing them, was one of the most beautiful things he´d ever heard before. 

Brian knew that it was dangerous, letting these words sink into his heart, keeping them save in a special place, like a small precious gift, but he had lost this battle weeks ago.

“Can you play it again?”, Freddie asked him softly and Brian gave a defeated little sigh and started striking the chords again. 

At first, Freddie hummed to it, but then, he started singing, his voice slightly hoarse and rough from talking all day and singing at rehearsals before.  
„Funny how love is everywhere just look and see…Funny how love is anywhere you're bound to be…Funny how love is every song in every key…Funny how love is coming home in time for tea  
Funny funny funny oh…”

Brian lifted his gaze from his fingers and looked down at Freddie, who smiled at him, even though he was still singing, his eyes sparkling as he went into a second verse, one that Brian hadn´t heard before, his voice a little softer this time.

“Funny how love is the end of the lies…When the truth begins tomorrow comes…Tomorrow brings tomorrow brings love in the shape of things…That's what love is that's what love is…”

He started to hum again, vocalizing to the tunes of Brian´s guitar, their eyes never leaving each other, and it was only then that Brian noticed how fast his heart was beating in his chest. There was something striking about the words Freddie had just sung, something that made him feel like maybe he wasn´t foolish.

Brian struck the last chords and then gently put down the guitar. Laying down next to Freddie, pulling him into his arms while the singer snuggled up against him, almost came natural to him by now. They´d spent most of their time with each other during the last week like this, almost as if the fight they had had had traumatised them in a way that now left them craving to hold the other one close, simply to feel that their lover was still there. 

They hadn´t had sex much these past days. Maybe it was the same reason holding them back from doing so. It wasn´t that Brian didn´t want Freddie anymore and he was quite certain that Freddie still wanted him, judging by the painfully hard erection both of them usually sported when holding each other close for nights on end. 

But something seemed to have changed between them yet again. Sleeping with each other had become meaningful, impactful, intense. It meant getting closer and closer still. Brian felt like sometimes, when he entered Freddie and their gazes locked, for a second, he could glimpse into the other man´s soul, seeing all the pain, the fear, the pleasure, the dreams, the chaos of emotions. 

And he could very well understand that this was scary for the other man, being so vulnerable, being so open. Just like Brian was scared of those final moments before his orgasm hit him, when the singer clenched tightly around him, moaning his name and they really did become one, because they were so breathtakingly beautiful that they hit him deep down to the bone every time. 

Sex meant that they would fall deeper into this, into each other and Brian could sense, that they both weren´t strong enough for that final push right now.

So they had been cuddling, kissing and trading the occasional handjob, though even those had become strangely intense, because the whimpering sounds Freddie made when he was close and the way he clung to Brian, made the guitarist feel immensely protective of him, kissing the singer´s brow and holding him even closer. 

“Met your roommate on the way to the loo…Think he was on his way out.”, Freddie murmured into the comfortable silence that hung over them. He had snuck a hand into Brian´s hair, gently playing with the curls and massaging his neck, his blunt nails pleasantly scraping against the skin of Brian´s scalp. 

“Yeah, Harry´s gotten back together with his girlfriend or something…”, Brian replied, his own hand buried under Freddie´s white cotton t-shirt, his fingers stroking over the coarse hair that grew in a trail from the singer´s sternum down to his navel. 

Brian loved touching it, loved how thick it was and how flushed Freddie got when he rubbed his nose and cheek against it, inhaling the scent and licking his sensitive nipples.  
But not now. He was to sleepy for that right now. 

“Do you think he knows?”, Freddie asked, while Brian´s pointer finger circled his navel. “About us?” 

“He´s once asked if something´s up at your home since you´re staying over so much.”, Brian replied and he heard Freddie chuckling softly, blowing a warm stream of air onto Brian´s neck.

“What did you tell him?”

“Said something about a rat infestation or something…”, the guitarist murmured with a grin and Freddie´s hand on his neck stropped its gentle movements, while he heard the singer snickering, even though an expression of pretending to be offended appeared on his face when he looked up at Brian.

“Hey, our flat might be a shithole but there are no rats, darling! I would simply not allow it!”

Brian grinned at him, his finger´s teasingly digging into Freddie´s slim hip, making him giggle adorably and squirm slightly.  
“Alright, I´ll tell Harry that you´ve made the rats leave by politely telling them to fuck off.”

“No, don´t! We´d need to come up with a new excuse for me crashing here all the time.”, the Persian protested, which earned him a little sigh from Brian. 

“Fred, I don´t think he believed that in the first place. I mean…we´re always putting on a record when we´re…you know…but he´s not stupid…He knows that putting on a record at one in the morning means you´re doing it and you don´t want anyone to hear…which makes it even more obvious…”, Brian explained and Freddie nodded slowly, his head coming to a rest on the other man´s shoulder once again. 

“Oh…yeah, you´re probably right…”, he murmured, his finger now playing with the collar of Brian´s shirt, crinkling the fabric slightly.

“Besides…you´re not exactly quiet…”, Brian added, his fingertips travelling up Freddie´s slim belly, gently stroking the smooth skin over his slightly too prominent ribs. Freddie snickered once again. 

“No, I´m not, am I?”, he replied, laughing into the crook of Brian´s neck, his hair tickling the guitarist´s chin. 

“No you´re not…Baby…”, Brian murmured, his thumb almost casually drawing a lazy little circle around the Persian´s nipple, making him sigh softly. The petname had stuck and although Brian used it very sparsely, it always had the desired effect on his lover. Freddie went flustered when he heard it, lashes fluttering, almost as if he was relishing in the sound of it, in the sound of Brian´s adoration. 

“Doesn´t Harry mind me being here then?”, Freddie asked. 

“Harry´s not like that. I mean, we´re not close or anything but he doesn´t stick his nose into other people´s business. I think he just doesn´t care…”, Brian said and felt Freddie nodding slowly.

“Good guy…”, the singer murmured and returned to running his fingers through Brian´s hair. 

The guitarist looked up at the ceiling. There was another question lingering at the outskirts of his mind, had been for quite some time now. 

“What about John and Roger? Do you think they know?”, he asked and Freddie raised his head again, his brows rising up his forehead, a smug little smile tugging at his lips, front teeth peeking out. 

“Clever little Brian…you really think you´re being subtle, do you?”, he murmured, his hand settling on Brian´s cheek, his thumb stroking the slightly stubbly skin. 

“What´s that supposed to mean?”, Brian asked, slightly confused, looking up at the singer. 

“What you´re really asking is if I´ve told Roger about us, aren´t you Brimi?”, Freddie replied, grinning at him. 

“Well…he didn´t even ask why you´re staying behind at my place when it´s late…”, Brian explained. 

Freddie sighed, flopping down next to Brian again so now they were both laying on their sides, facing each other.

“I haven´t told him anything…but I think he knows that something´s going on. When you and me…didn´t talk…I wasn´t exactly in the brightest of moods…Roggie senses these things in me, he´s just like that. I think he could tell that something happened at the party…and that Mary isn´t around much anymore…”, Freddie said, his voice quiet and his gaze leaving Brian´s towards the end of the sentence. 

There it was again, the lingering, ongoing issue between them, the overshadowing, all-consuming conflict. Mary. Even hearing her name out of Freddie´s mouth made a sickening sense of jealousy rise up in Brian´s chest, tasting vile and bitter in his mouth. 

Questions started pressing into his mind and a small voice, growing quickly in intensity, was telling him to ask, to confront Freddie with the right questions. Have you talked to her yet? Have you told her yet that you´re attracted to men? Have you told her, that we´ve been meeting up for over six weeks and having sex? 

Brian´s head was spinning with how much he wanted to know the answers, with how hard it was for him to hold himself back. Freddie had asked him for time and Brian was willing to give it to him. Time to figure things out, time to work up the courage to speak to Mary, courage to finally embrace who he was and what he wanted.  
But then there were moments like these when his yearning heart got impatient and greedy and he wanted answers. 

“I told Roger that I´ve got a girlfriend…at the party…”, Brian murmured, to distract himself from the thoughts. 

“Yeah, he asked me about her the other day…Asked me if I knew if you and that mysterious girlfriend were still going out…”, Freddie replied, upper lip tucked over his front teeth, slightly nervous, not meeting Brian´s gaze. Freddie probably had sensed the shift in the guitarist´s mood.

“Why would he ask you that?”, Brian replied, brow slightly furrowed.

Freddie gave a soft little sigh and gently brushed a lock of hair behind Brian´s ear.  
“Brimi, I think he knows that you´ve made her up by now…”, their gazes met and there was something soft and tender in Freddie´s dark eyes, almost as if Brian´s inexperience in terms of interacting with and understanding people was touching to him.

“What? How does he know?”, Brian asked, flabbergasted. 

“Because you´ve never introduced her to us. Rog said you wouldn´t even tell him her name.”, the singer noted and Brian frowned at him.

“Yeah, because he can´t keep a secret and he´d tell everyone about her within a single day of knowing.”, the guitarist tried to justify his reasoning. 

“Why would your girlfriend be a secret, darling?”, Freddie asked him, “Wouldn´t you want everyone to know that she´s yours…and that you´re hers? Wouldn´t you be proud to hold her hand and introduce her to your friends? Wouldn´t you want her to come around to rehearsals so she can hear you play and make heart-eyes at you?”

Brian lowered his gaze, blinking slowly. Maybe his pretence was silly, in vain even. Brian was pretty sure that Freddie could see it in his eyes, the fact that he had just listed all the things that Brian did want, want with him. 

“Yeah…I guess I would want to do these things with my made-up girlfriend…”,Brian replied in a low murmur.

“Well there you go, love.”, Freddie smiled at him, seemingly oblivious to Brian´s pain, which made it even worse to the guitarist. How could the singer not know? How could he still not know what Brian craved, yearned for?

“So…you think Rog knows…even though you haven´t told him?”, he asked, trying to mask the fact that his throat was suddenly very tight.

“Yeah basically…”, Freddie replied with a little nod. His gaze staid on Brian´s face for another second, almost as if he tried to figure out what Brian´s slightly furrowed brow and his tightly set jaw meant.

“Would you have minded…if I´d have told him?”, the singer asked. 

“Depends on what you´d have told him…”, Brian said.

“Well, that we´re sleeping with each other of course…”, Freddie replied, as if he was surprised that Brian had even asked, had even questioned that he would give any other answer.  
Brian´s brows rose up his forehead.

“You´d just say it like that?”, he asked.

Freddie simply shrugged, turning slightly so he laid on his back.  
“How else would I phrase it, darling? That´s what we´re doing, aren´t we?”, he turned his head back to the side to look at Brian. 

“Yeah…I thought you´d say it more like…We´re shagging…”, Brian said, watching Freddie´s brow furrow further. “Me and Brian are just shagging, darling. No big deal…”, he imitated Freddie´s slightly more posh accent, making the singer snicker, before his expression turned more serious again. 

“But we aren´t just shagging. We used to…but we´re not anymore…”  
Freddie´s gently reached over to Brian again, his pointer finger almost tenderly tracing along the curly haired man´s jawline. 

“Alright…”, Brian replied, struggling not to lean into the singer´s touch.

Freddie looked almost offended, slightly hurt even at his answer.

“Don´t just…go alright, dear…”, he said, slowly pulling his hand away, as if he wasn´t sure if Brian even wanted his affection anymore. 

“Well, I was just…”, Brian tried to explain, but Freddie wouldn´t let him finish. 

“If you´d tell….let´s say John about this…how would you phrase it?”, he asked, his hand now resting on Brian´s chest, his finger tracing up and down the buttons on it. 

Brian sighed. He knew that he maybe should have come up with a better answer, one that was farther from the truth, one that didn´t leave him open and vulnerable. But even though it felt scary to simply say what was on his mind, it was also liberating. Brian was tired of pretending to not care as much as he did. 

“I´d tell him that there´s someone who´s shown me how beautiful sex can be. How good it feels to let your defences down, to explore what you like…to not be ashamed…to not be judged…to just feel. That I´m really enjoying it…because I feel like I can be myself…with that person.”, he took a deep breath, looking over at Freddie who was watching Brian talk with an unreadable expression.  
“And then I´d tell him that that person´s you…And that things are getting more and more difficult…because we´re not just shagging anymore.”, Brian finished his explanation, still watching the singer like a hawk.

Freddie´s upper lip gave a slightly little quiver, his brow twitched slightly, as if he was urgently trying to hold back some type of emotion showing on his face. Without a word, he turned back onto his side, inching close enough to snuggle up against Brian, his arm flung over the guitarist´s chest, ducking his face into the crook of Brian´s neck.  
Brian´s arms were around him in a second. 

They were both very quiet. Brian listened to the singer´s breathing, trying to make out if he was crying, pulling him even closer. Maybe Freddie craving to be held like this was more of an answer than a thousand words. Brian gently kissed him on the crown of his head and Freddie gave a soft little sigh, pressing the tip of his nose against Brian´s neck and then a small kiss to his adam´s apple. 

“Do you want to get ready for bed?”, the guitarist asked him quietly after another while of simply laying there. 

“Yeah…I´m knackered…”, Freddie replied, slowly pushing himself up on his elbows, although his movements were slow and he suddenly seemed very tired when he sat up. 

“Come here…I´ll help you undress…”, Brian said quietly, his hands already on the hem of Freddie´s t-shirt. Freddie sighed, nodded and raised his arms so Brian could pull the material over his head. 

Brian knew that Freddie loved this, being cared for, being adored, pampered, even man-handled a little, although in a way that was gentle. It was his way of showing Brian that he trusted him, letting him undress him, sleepy and pliant under Brian´s touch, all his usual fight leaving him. 

“Wait…let me…do it for you as well…”, Freddie murmured, his fingers making slow work of opening Brian´s shirt, brushing the fabric away from Brian´s skin with delicate fingertips.

There was nothing sexual about the way they took off each other´s clothes, although it felt very intimate to Brian, very much like he was stripping back yet another layer from his soul, baring it to his friend. When they took off each other´s trousers, they both laid down, Brian struggling a bit with Freddie´s belt, making him chuckle lightly. 

Once they were down to their underwear, they crawled under the covers and Brian turned off the light. Taking Freddie into his arms in the dark was simply what came natural to the guitarist at this point. 

By now, he struggled to get to sleep without the lithe body of the singer closely pressing up against him, needing the reassuring weight of Freddie´s head resting on his shoulder to drift off peacefully.  
But tonight, sleep wouldn´t come as quickly. He felt like they still weren´t done with their previous conversation, words lingering inside his mind, urging him on to be spoken aloud. 

“It was never just shagging to me, you know…”, Brian whispered against Freddie´s cheek and the singer turned his head slightly, his breath ghosting over Brian´s face in the dark.

“I didn´t know…”, he whispered, sounding genuinely surprised, “I thought you just wanted to see…what it was like with a guy. And now you´ve come to kinda like it…”

“There aren´t any other guys I´d like to sleep with. It´s just you…”, Brian replied, the dark allowing him to be more bold, less ashamed to utter what exactly it was that he was feeling and thinking. 

“How would you know, Brimi? You´ve never been with any other bloke but me.”, Freddie said softly, almost as if he himself relied on the darkness to hide his true emotions. 

“Because I´m not attracted to them.”, Brian said, the answer coming quickly, easily.

He felt Freddie shifting in his arms, once again starting to brush his finger´s through Brian´s hair. 

“Well darling, you could try it out with a few more chaps and then…”, he began, but Brian just shook his head slightly, the movement making Freddie stop in his tracks. 

“You´d really want me to do that? Go around sleeping with other guys?”, the guitarist asked, slightly disbelieving. 

“No…I´d hate it…”, Freddie replied. Brian could hear him struggling with the next sentence, the words coming slowly, as if they didn´t feel completely right. “Doesn´t mean you can´t do it…”

The guitarist sighed, slightly frustrated. Maybe this was what was most torturous about everything that was going on between them. Freddie hiding his emotions behind a façade of indifference, of being on top of everything, not needing anyone, simply to protect himself, to hide the fact that he did feel very deeply. 

“It´s always one step forward and then two steps back with you, isn´t it Fred?”, Brian murmured, his voice flat.

“Well, I don´t have any right to be jealous because we´re not…”, Freddie replied, desperately trying to justify himself but Brian managed to find his gaze in the dark and looked him in the eyes, determined to make his friend listen.

“So is this about your twisted love for breaking your own heart because you act like you don´t care or you actually not caring if I´d sleep with other men?”, he asked, still whispering, but the words coming out clear. 

He felt Freddie drawing in a deep breath, his chest rising before he, almost in defeat, lowered his gaze. 

“The first one…I guess…”, he said quietly and with a soft huff at the end. 

Gently, Brian tightened his hold around the other man, his hand on the singer´s back softly and soothingly stroking up and down. 

“As I just said…I have no desire to be with other men. And I also have no desire to see you heartbroken. So you can stop pretending to be a heartless bitch. I know you´re not.”, he said and was quite impressed with himself for voicing his thoughts in such a clear manner. 

He had noticed himself getting better at that, at communicating his needs, while at the same time, it gave him a certain comfort to be there for Freddie, to give him a safe space to voice his own needs and desires.  
Something about his words seemed to have resonated with the Persian. 

“I´m sorry, Brimi…I´m sorry that I am like that…”, he murmured, dark eyes looking up at Brian.

“You´re not like that…that´s not what you´re really like, Fred…”, the guitarist replied, his fingers once again brushing over the singer´s cheek, a tender gesture that made him close his eyes and lean into Brian´s hand.

“I know…Still…I´m sorry…”, he whispered and it seemed like he was apologizing for some other things as well, things that he couldn´t voice right now but that Brian still understood. 

“It´s alright…”, the guitarist said softly and leaned in to kiss his friend for the first time in the night. 

Freddie melted into the kiss like he had been waiting, yearning for it but not daring to initiate it himself. For all his experience, Freddie could be awfully shy sometimes and it was something that was utterly adorable to Brian. 

He loved coaxing the singer out from his shell, providing him with a space to feel safe, to feel like he could let down all of his walls.  
When Brian licked into Freddie´s mouth, the singer moaned softly, as if his own arousal surprised him and wedged a knee between Brian´s legs, their bodies flush against each other, their hands roaming over each other´s skin. 

Softly, Freddie bit into Brian´s bottom lip, making the guitarist shiver. He was most certain that Freddie could feel his hardening prick inside his underwear and he himself felt the Persian´s erection swelling against his hip. 

Still, none of them dared to touch, dared to start moving their hips. Instead, they kept on kissing lazily, soft brushes of their lips against each other, warm breath ghosting against skin. 

There it was again, the hesitation to go further, the fear of coming to close, of breaking down the final wall. It was almost ironic. The thing they had started their affair for, some mindless fun, some fooling around, sex with no strings attached, now was the thing that they couldn´t do anymore. Because it carried a weight, because now, it meant something. 

When Freddie broke the kiss, their faces remained close, their bodies fitting against each other like they had been made for it, Brian´s lanky limbs holding Freddie´s delicate form in a loving embrace. 

It wasn´t the first time that they came to Brian´s mind, those three words, those three magical, beautiful, heavy words that could make them or break them. He´d never said them before to anyone, never even thought about them before. And right now, they felt so heavily meaningful, that Brian didn´t dare to speak them.

Still, at that moment, when his gaze found Freddie´s in the dark, he wondered, no, he knew that the other man was thinking about them too. 

The lyrics to Freddie´s song came to his mind. Funny how love is, Brian thought and a small smile tugged at his lips. It really was a very curious thing.

“Good night, Brimi…”, he heard Freddie whispering to him, pressing a final chaste kiss to his lips.

“Night Baby…”, Brian whispered against the singer´s lips and Freddie snuggled up to him. “Sleep well.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovies,  
> because I´ve been slacking so much on this little fic in the past two weeks, here´s the new chapter, early this time.  
> I must say, this was my very favourite one to write and I am so so excited for you guys to read it.  
> Love you all!

In the end, they only lasted a few more days before they couldn´t bear it anymore and finally slept with each other again. 

They hadn´t even planned on seeing each other that night, agreeing to both take the time to get some studying done. Brian knew he urgently needed it, sitting on his bed, textbook on his lap, nursing a cup of coffee to keep himself awake, when at around 11 pm, there was a knock on the front door and Freddie stood in the hallway. 

Almost immediately, Brian could tell two things about his friend. Freddie had been in another fight with Mary and he was high as a kite, his eyes bloodshot and red, the kohl pencil around them smudged and his clothes smelling of marihuana when he stumbled into Brian´s arms without a word, clinging to him for dear life. 

“Hello you…”, Brian had murmured softly, pressing a little kiss to the singer´s temple, hugging him tightly in the dim hallway. 

“Brimi…can I stay the night?”, Freddie had asked him, face buried inside the collar of Brian´s shirt. 

“Course you can…”, the guitarist had replied, his answer quick and without a second thought, Freddie staying close, even when they went to Brian´s room. 

“Ah fuck…you´re supposed to study, right?”, Freddie had murmured, when he´d seen the books and notepads on Brian´s bed, but the guitarist had simply shaken his head. He was done for today. Maybe he was simply done with pretending that he hadn´t missed Freddie tonight, hadn´t felt lonely without him there, hadn´t hoped for him to show up out of the blue like always did. 

“Nah, it´s okay. It´s late, I can finish this tomorrow.”

Freddie let himself fall onto Brian´s bed, while the guitarist put away his books. 

“Your bed´s so fucking comfortable, darling…”, Freddie murmured, nuzzling his face into the pillow, eyes half closed. 

“It´s much smaller than yours, Freddie.”, Brian said with a chuckle, walking over to the record player to put on a record, Bowie this time, one of his favourites. 

“I like being crammed into it with you…it´s so cosy…”, Freddie murmured, blinking up at Brian, his gaze hazy with the weed Brian could smell on him and then giving him a toothy grin. 

“Alright, move over then…”, Brian chuckled, lying down next to him, needing a moment to arrange his long limbs, before he finally laid down comfortably on his side.

His gaze travelled over the singer´s characteristic profile, his chiselled jawline, his narrow nose, his delicate brows. He knew that Freddie got very insecure sometimes. As much as he loved being on stage, he sometimes almost shied away when Brian looked at him directly, hiding his face.  
How much Brian wanted to make the singer understand how very beautiful he was to him.

Oh God, he thought. There they were again, those three little words, on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill out. 

Freddie turned his head to the side as he noticed Brian looking at him, he looked slightly flushed. 

“Did you and Mary have a fight?”, Brian asked, knowing that he was walking on thin ice. There was rarely any other reason that Freddie would be this upset, except something to do with his parent´s maybe, another derogatory comment from them, on his course at uni, on his clothes, his long hair, his inability to be the son they wished for. 

It turned out that Brian had been right. This was about Mary.

“Yeah…”, Freddie murmured, his gaze shifting away from Brian over to the window. 

“You wanna talk about it?”, the guitarist asked, keeping his voice as soft as possible. Please, his eyes pleaded when their gazes found each other. Please let me in, please tell me about the things that are causing you such pain. Please let me help.  
But Freddie wouldn´t. 

“Fuck no, darling…”, he replied flatly. Brian could tell that he was in one of his moods, snappy and quick with harsh words. 

He knew that another man, someone more proud, someone who cared a little less about the singer, would have been offended by Freddie´s coldness. But Brian wasn´t. It wasn´t because he didn´t value himself highly enough or because he would let his friend walk all over him. 

Brian had learned to pick his battles wisely. Maybe he was a little too kind, a little too forgiving with the singer, but he also knew that just like him, Freddie was hurting, figuring things out, working through them. And there was no need to pick a fight right now. 

Brian had learned that Freddie´s foul moods were best counteracted with kindness.

“Are you okay though?”, he asked softly and watched the Persian chuckle.

“I´m fucking high is what I am…”, he replied, his speech slightly slurred.

“Yeah, I can tell, Fred.”, Brian sighed, leaning his head against the headboard of the bed. 

Freddie snickered, then his hand reached into the back pocket of his dark jeans, struggling to wedge his fingers under the tight material, finally pulling out a slightly squashed packet of cigarettes. He opened it up with clumsy fingers and inside was, in addition to a few fags, a lighter and a blunt, the filter already slightly grey with having been lit before. 

“Do you want some? Still got half of it…”, the singer asked, fishing out the joint, putting it between his lips, playing around with the lighter. 

Brian gave an indecisive little hum, watching Freddie twirl the lighter between his fingers, black nail vanish uncharacteristically chipped, almost as if he had been nervously biting his nails before. 

“You don´t have to if you don´t want to, Brimi. Don´t want to pressure you into getting high…”, Freddie murmured, looking up at Brian through dark lashes, already lighting the blunt again, taking his first deep inhale. 

“No…yeah, sounds good, let´s do it…”, Brian replied. He usually wasn´t one to casually smoke weed, but tonight, he felt like it wasn´t the only one of his principles being broken.  
Freddie handed him the joint and Brian took a drag, although it wasn´t as deep as the one Freddie had taken.

“This is good stuff…saved it up for you and me…”, Freddie explained, watching Brian exhale with dark, slightly clouded eyes. 

“None for Roger and Deaky?”, Brian asked with a chuckle, handing the blunt back to Freddie, who took another long drag from it and then exhaled with a soft little moan through his mouth. 

“Deaks doesn´t even smoke and Roggie can buy his own weed…He´s been smoking my shit for ages.”, the singer explained, his voice slightly lowered from the smoke he´d been exhaling.

Brian chuckled softly. Being the lightweight that he was, the weed was already having an effect on him, making him feel lose-limbed and warm. 

“Yeah, but he always brings round those pills at your parties.”, he objected and Freddie rolled his eyes, handing him the blunt again.

“Yeah and they`re horrible, aren´t they? No idea where he gets them or what´s in there…probably rat poison…”

They both snickered at that, even though Brian made a mental note to ask Roger where exactly he was getting those horrible pills from and if he even knew what was in them.

Brian took a long drag from the blunt, kept the smoke inside of his lungs for a few seconds and then exhaled slowly. He was starting to enjoy this. 

A moment later, he felt Freddie´s lips on his throat, his tongue languidly licking over Brian´s bobbing adam´s apple and then kissing the skin just below it, sucking it between his lips, nibling on it and probably leaving a mark there. 

Brian moaned softly when Freddie set to work on another spot, just below his ear, once again nibbling and kissing, making the guitarist hiss, goose bumps rising on his arms and neck.  
Blindly, Freddie´s fingers reached for the joint and he took it from Brian, leaning back slightly to take another deep drag from it. 

The room seemed to slowly sink into a haze, the smoke from the blunt wafting around, the contours of the furniture, the ceiling, even Freddie himself becoming soft around the edges, melting into one another. 

They took turns in taking drags until they´d finished the blunt, quietly lying there, holding each other, running their hands over the clothed body of the other one, anticipation lingering in the dense air.  
Freddie put out the joint on an empty plate that Brian had left on his nightstand. 

Brian felt Freddie leaning in and then the singer was kissing him once again, on the lips this time and the guitarist just melted into it, pulling Freddie on top of him, all shyness and reasoning washing away. 

It just happened naturally without the both of them actually realising it. All Brian knew was that he desperately wanted to feel Freddie´s hands on his skin and soon, they were undressing each other, their hands slow with the high from the blunt, clumsily catching on buttons and pulling down stiff fabrics. 

When Freddie was completely naked on top of him, Brian pulled him down, skin on skin, their erections rubbing against each other, Freddie moaning hotly against Brian´s neck. 

For a moment, they simply enjoyed the feeling, kissing, Freddie licking into his mouth until Brian grew too restless, broke the kiss, raised a hand to his mouth, licked his palm and then sneaked it between their bodies, his hand and fingers closing around both of their erections, starting to toss them off. It was a move he had learned from Freddie himself, something that in the begging had seemed insanely obscene to him, but that he´d now come to love. 

“Ah fuck…you´re got such fucking big hands, darling…”, Freddie moaned, his hips canting up against Brian´s hand and the guitarist couldn´t help but grin at the compliment. 

It was a lot like what they used to do in the beginning, not yet daring to go all the way, humping and rubbing up against each other, jerking each other off.  
Freddie groaned, when he felt one of Brian´s hands sliding down his back, grabbing onto one of his firm buttocks, squeezing, his fingers slipping between Freddie´s cheeks, teasing him until the singer shivered and groaned on top of him. 

In the beginning, Brian had often waited for Freddie to take the lead, to show him where to touch, to stroke and what to do. By now, the guitarist had become more bold, enjoying to take the lead, to watch the singer take one, two and then three of his long, slim fingers, after Brian had coated them in some lotion. 

When Brian curled his fingers just slightly, they seemed to brush up against that spot inside of the singer, that usually got him insanely worked up and made him come in a matter of minutes. Today, it took no more than a few firm brushes up against it and Freddie was heaving for breath, his slender thighs shaking, barely holding him up on top of Brian´s bony hips. 

“Brian…oh fuck…ah…stop…”, Freddie panted and Brian felt something warm blooming inside his chest. There was something very rewarding, touching almost, about seeing Freddie like this, so vulnerable, already so close, panting Brian´s name.

“You want me to stop, Fred?”, Brian asked him and he couldn´t help but for the slightly teasing, almost dominant tone he used, holding his fingers completely still, feeling his lover clenching around them.  
Freddie wined at the loss of stimulation, shaking his head, trying to push down against Brian´s fingers and in the process grinding his erection against Brian´s, making both of them groan. 

“No, don´t…”, the singer demanded, which made Brian chuckle softly.

“Didn´t you just ask me to, Babe?”, Brian asked him, the pet name easily slipping from his tongue. 

“Feels so good…”, Freddie panted, whimpering almost pitifully when Brian started rubbing up against his sweet spot once again, his mouth slightly agape, his eyes half-closed. “Feels so good…gonna come…”, he managed to mumble. 

“Don´t you wanna come, Fred?”, Brian asked him, taking pleasure in watching the Persian squirm and wither on top of him, his other hand on his lover´s hip, holding him up because Freddie was shaking so badly. 

“Not yet…not ahhh fuck…not yet…”, Freddie groaned, fingers desperately fisting into the sheets and the pillow next to Brian´s head. 

The singer´s next words gave Brian a rush of endorphins, making him shiver with pleasure, making him feel like he had never in his life been this high and this horny before.  
“I want your cock, Bri.”

Yes, you do!, Brian thought, the words going straight to his prick. Yes, you do want my cock, Freddie!

He knew that the thought was primitively self-indulgent, embarrassingly arrogant and horribly silly, but he couldn´t help it. In moments like these, Brian felt like he was what Freddie needed, the one who could please him in a way that no girlfriend of his could. 

“Yes…come here, Baby…”, Brian groaned, slowly pulling out his fingers, holding onto Freddie´s slim hips, his other hand on his prick for the singer to position himself above it, the tip already nudging at his entrance. 

Freddie sank down on him, slowly, breathing in through his nose, his eyes closed, brows furrowed in concentration. The feeling incredible, tight and warm and so intense, that it was hard for Brian to hold himself back from simply pushing up into Freddie to speed up the process of entering him. 

Brian kept his hips as still as possible, noticing that it was the first time they tried this position. Freddie seemed to struggle slightly, taking Brian´s last few inches especially slowly and carefully. 

“Oh fuck…oh Brian…you´re so big…”, Freddie moaned hoarsely when he was fully seated, his body hot and tense around Brian, his tight stomach oddly hard and slightly bulged.  
Brian felt heat creeping up his neck when he realised the reason for it. 

“Is it too much? We can change positions, it´s okay…”, he stammered, but Freddie quickly shook his head, sweaty locks of hair sticking to his forehead. 

“No…fuck, I love it…I feel so…full…”, he groaned, leaning down to capture Brian´s lips in a heated kiss. 

“Tell me if it gets uncomfortable…I don´t want to hurt you…”, the guitarist managed to whisper against his lips. 

Freddie blinked at him and then smiled, a sweet, almost shy smile, lashes fluttering before he gave Brian another kiss, more gentle this time. 

“I will, Brimi…Don´t you worry, my darling…”, he whispered, both hands on Brian´s cheeks, kissing him tenderly. 

Brian barely had any time to appreciate the fact that Freddie had come to feel comfortable enough to openly communicate his needs and dislikes to him, when the singer rolled his hips for the first time and the guitarist lost his train of thought. 

They started out slow, Freddie still needing time to adjust to the different angle and Brian´s size, the guitarist´s hands on his hips even slowing him down a couple of times, when he spotted even the slightest sign of discomfort on the singer´s features. 

But Brian´s ability to hold himself back slowly crumbled and soon, they were settling into a much quicker rhythm, skin slapping on skin, the squeaking of the bed and the sound of their harsh breathing filling the room. 

Freddie´s thighs were quivering, but he would not slow down and when Brian hurriedly and quite messily licked his palm and closed it around the singer´s leaking erection, starting to toss him off with quick, eager strokes, the singer moaned loudly, his voice breaking. 

He sank forward onto Brian´s chest, holding himself up on his elbows, head hanging low, leaking so much precum onto Brian´s hand that the guitarist thought that his lover had come already. 

“Fred…Baby, did you just…?”, Brian asked, willing his hips to still, hands reaching up to brush the hair from Freddie´s face.  
The singer laughed roughly, breathing harshly, quickly shaking his head. 

“No…”, he managed to get out. 

Tenderly, Brian stroked his sweaty cheek with his hand. The singer looked positively wrecked and Brian loved it. 

“Are you okay?”, Brian asked him, their gazed locked, Freddie´s eyes huge and black and beautiful. 

“Yeah…”, the Persian murmured, eyes fixed on Brian, almost seeming dazed. Brian could see that something was going on his mind. 

The guitarist leaned up, capturing the singer´s lips in a soft kiss but Freddie pulled back after a mere second.

“I love you…”, the Persian suddenly whispered against Brian´s lips and it almost sounded like he was about to cry.

Brian´s hands suddenly clung to his friend´s bony hips and he was staring up at him in utter shock.

“I love you too…”, Brian´s voice was hoarse, utter shock dripping from every word, his heart beating in his chest so fast that it was painful. 

They looked at each other, every wall broken down, bare, vulnerable in front of each other and the feeling was so painfully liberating, that Brian felt his throat getting tight, not daring to even breath in too deeply in fear of missing a single second of this beautiful moment. 

A shaky smile appeared on the singer´s lips as he leaned in to kiss Brian again, his lips shaking slightly, the curve of his smile pressing against Brian´s mouth. Their kiss was unexpectedly innocent, their lips clumsy and slow against each other, kissing the words away, savouring them. 

In many aspects, it felt like a first kiss and maybe it was. Because in this moment, Brian realised that Freddie Bulsara was the first person that he had ever utterly and truly loved, loved with all his heart, with every aspect of his being, every breath, every thought, every simple second of existing in this beautiful, confusing, cruel, wonderful world. 

When the singer started rolling his hips again, Brian felt like he would lose his mind. Clinging onto the smaller man for dear life, he hid his face in the crook of the singer´s neck, mouthing broken moans at Freddie´s bronze skin, tasting sweat and soap and Freddie, getting drunk on it. 

He was shaking now, his hips jerking up into each of Freddie´s movements helplessly, unable to gain back control, to hold himself back. 

“I love you, Freddie…”, he gasped, the feeling of finally saying those words, of speaking them into existence at last, overwhelmingly intense to him.

Freddie´s hips sped up, his voice breathy against Brian´s ear, the words almost like a chant. 

“I love you, Bri…I love you…fuck…I…ah…Brimi…”, he whimpered, his blunt nails digging into Brian´s shoulders, probably leaving red, angry marks on the guitarist´s pale skin. 

“Oh Baby….you feel so good…so good for me…ah…”, Brian panted, their gazes locked, feeling like he could explode with how much he felt at once, his mind failing to catch up with what was happening.  
Freddie whined at his words, nodding eagerly while he bounced up and down the guitarist´s prick. 

“I wanna be good for you…wanna be…wanna be yours, Brian…”

“Mine…”, Brian groaned, tightening his hold on the singer´s hips, his hands sliding up to his lover´s slim waist, squeezing it slightly, making him whine breathlessly. 

“Yours, Brimi…”, Freddie responded, his nails raking down Brian´s shoulder´s once again, making him hiss. 

Brian could feel a familiar tightening in his loins, feeling lightheaded, gasping for breath. He could sense his orgasm approaching dizzyingly fast. 

“Oh…oh fuck…Oh Freddie…slow down…”, he rasped, as the singer sank against his chest once again, the movements of his hips losing their frequency, instead taking Brian deeper, slower.

“I want you to come with me…”, Brian whispered into Freddie´s ear, his hand once again closing around his lover´s length. 

“Yes…Yes, darling…”, Freddie whimpered, nodding eagerly. He was probably very close himself, desperate to finally come. 

“You go slow, yes Freddie? You go nice and slow and then we´ll come together…”, Brian said, his hand on Freddie´s cock starting to move, focusing on the moist head.

“Oh God, Bri…”, the singer whined, throwing back his head of messy dark hair, baring his throat to Brian, who was tempted to lick it, bite it, mark the other man as his own.  
But he wanted this to go differently, make it even more intense. 

“Look at me…don´t hide your face from me…”, he demanded and Freddie positively shuddered on top of him, lowing his head again, looking right into Brian´s eyes, lips bitten red, hair a mess.  
“There you are…my beautiful…”, Brian smiled at him, his hand not even tiring while tossing Freddie off. 

The singer shivered in front of him, caught between pushing into Brian´s hand and down against his cock, rolling his hips slowly, tight and hot around his lover. Brian pushed up into him a few more times, hitting the singer´s sweet spot just right. 

“Brian…”, Freddie whispered and for a second, he looked utterly surprised, his mouth an adorable little O, before he sucked in a deep breath, his pupil dilating, a heavy tremor running up his spine. 

Brian felt the singer´s hot, sticky release spilling onto his fingers at the same time as his own pleasure reached its ultimate peak and he came with a long broken moan deep inside his lover. 

For a moment of perfection, they seemed to breath the same air, their heartbeats in sync, their minds, hearts and bodies melting into one. The feeling was so intense, that it was almost painful and incredibly pleasurable at the same time, overwhelmingly deep and breathtakingly beautiful, shaking him to the core. 

He was the one who had to avert his gaze, his head falling back against the headboard, eyes closing, moaning loudly, while Freddie´s hips twitched weakly against his and the singer slumped forward, heaving for breath. 

“Baby…oh god…”, Brian hoarsely whispered into his hair, the aftershocks of his pleasure still running through him. He still hadn´t gone completely soft inside Freddie yet and the feeling of staying connected like this was oddly comforting, grounding him. 

The singer shivered on top of him, his gaze unfocused, almost seeming drunk as he smiled at the guitarist.

“My darling… Brian…”, he slurred and then kissed him clumsily. 

They smiled against each other´s lips, the tip of Freddie´s narrow nose gently caressing Brian´s cheek as he chuckled softly.

Freddie snuggled against Brian´s chest, breathing in deeply, his face nestled in the space between his neck and shoulder. 

Brian listened to his breathing, still oddly fast. He tried to press a kiss to the Persian´s cheek, but Freddie seemed determined to hide his face from Brian, pressing even closer to the guitarist´s slender chest.

Brian only noticed that Freddie was crying when the first sob shook his lover´s narrow frame. For a second, he was frozen, worrying that he had done something to upset Freddie. But as he felt the singer press even closer to him, seeking his warmth, his comfort, Brian allowed his heart to take over and did what felt right.

“I´ve got you, Baby…”, Brian whispered against the other man´s cheek and kissed the soft skin above his cheekbone, his brow and then, brushing away strands of dark wavy hair, the shell of his ear.  
Freddie let out a pitiful whimper, his shoulders still shaking. Brian felt warm wet tears dripping onto his skin where Freddie´s face touched it. 

“Shhh, it´s alright…”, he murmured into his lover´s black hair, lost in his own thoughts. Freddie, who always seemed like none of this was affecting him in any way, was crying, sobbing really.  
And Brian couldn´t blame him for it. He felt it too. 

The deep connection that had started to develop between them, the sheer intimacy of the moment they had just shared. It was just as overwhelming to him as it was for Freddie.

Slowly, Freddie´s sobs started to quiet down, his breathing normalized. Still, he kept himself hidden away, pressed close to Brian, as if he was ashamed of his emotional reaction. 

“Freddie…it´s alright…”, the guitarist whispered, still kissing his temple, softly running his finger´s over the Persian´s back, “You don´t have to be ashamed…”

“It´s just…with you…you make me feel so good…”, Freddie hiccupped, raising his head slightly, allowing Brian to cradle his face in his large, warm hands. 

“Shhh…it´s okay…It´s okay, my sweet…”, gently, Brian started to kiss Freddie´s wet cheeks, tasting salt on his lips. Freddie shivered, leaning into Brian´s tender caresses. 

“You know…for years…I felt so dirty…so disgusting.”, the singer whispered, when his gaze met Brian´s and the guitarist felt his heart clenching inside of his chest.  
There was a question he had to ask, a notion that haunted his thoughts. 

“These men you´ve been seeing before…they weren´t very nice to you, were they?”, he asked softly. 

“No…”, Freddie murmured, wanting to hide his face in Brian´s neck again, but the guitarist wouldn´t let him.

“Did they hurt you, Freddie?”, he continued to ask, gently brushing a lock of hair behind the singer´s ear, wiping fresh tears from his cheeks. 

“N-not all of them...”, the Persian stammered. 

“But some of them did, right?”, Brian asked.

“Yeah…some of them did. They hurt me…very badly…”

Freddie´s answer lit another range of emotions inside the guitarist, almost making him shiver with how intensely he was feeling them. 

Protectiveness for the man in his arms, wanting to keep him safe, wanting to shield him, to adore him, to cherish him, to make him understand, how much better he deserved.  
Hate, for the men who had been cruel to Freddie, had been greedy and selfish. Brian was no man of violence, but imagining any man so much as laying a filthy hand on Freddie made him want to break their fingers very slowly, one by one. 

“I´m never going to hurt you, Freddie. Never…I don´t want you to be scared of that ever again.”, Brian whispered, his gaze lying intensely on the man in his arms.

“Thank you, Brian…”, Freddie whispered, but Brian shook his head, a bitter little smile tugging at his lips. God, how could anyone hurt this man, this sweet, lovely, wonderful boy who wanted nothing but to be loved, to sing, to be happy? He wanted to make Freddie the happiest he´d ever been. 

“Freddie, don´t say thank you for that! Freddie…listen, okay? You don´t have to…”, Brian tried to get in, but the singer shook his head slightly, blushing, biting his lip, not meeting Brian´s gaze anymore.

“I know I can be horribly annoying at times…I get it, you know, I can be real a menace with all my silly moods and stupid quirks and…”, he stammered, but Brian made him stop by placing a smacking kiss to his cheek.

“Freddie…I love those things about you.”, he said with a bright smile.

“Really?”, Freddie asked, blushing once again, shyly, almost anxiously looking down at Brian who lightly shook his head in disbelieve. How could Freddie not know about all the wonderful things that made up his lovable personality?

“Your creativity…your temper, your passion, your stubbornness, your kindness, your generosity, your great big heart, your wit…I love it all…”, the guitarist said, still stroking the singer´s flushed cheek.  
Freddie gave him a wonky smile, his upper lip quivering once again, his gaze lowered, lashed dark and shimmering wetly.

“Brimi…you´re so kind to say that, but I know it´s not always easy being around me and I´d understand it if you…”, he murmured, but Brian would have none of it. 

“I could never cause you any harm, I would never do that! And no one else will ever hurt you again! I won´t allow it!”, he said in a sharp voice, but the Persian still did not look at him.

“Do you hear me, Freddie?”, Brian asked him and slowly, Freddie raised his head, his eyes full of tears again.

“Yeah…”, he almost chocked on the word and Brian pulled him close again, held him tightly in his arms. 

“Good.”, Brian whispered against his hair, pressing a kiss onto the top of his head. 

“I feel safe with you, Bri…”, Freddie murmured against his chest, snuggling up against him like a kitten. 

“I´m glad, Baby. Because I want you to know that I´m going to take care of you…I´m going to watch out for you…”, Brian whispered, holding the other man close, the high of the marihuana undistinguishable from the high of finally coming clear about his true feelings. 

He felt utterly relieved while still experiencing an unknown buzz, restless but oddly grounded at the same time.

Brian´s gaze drifted down towards Freddie´s face, blotchy and red with tears, his hair curling into messy, slightly damp strands. The singer´s skin stuck to his and Brian was sure that they would soon start getting a little cold, their sweat slowly cooling.

“Brian darling…I think we should clean up a bit.”, Freddie murmured. He still seemed a little more quiet, almost slightly shaken, his voice soft, small almost. 

“Come on…Harry isn´t in, bathroom´s ours.”, Brian replied. 

Naked as they were, both chuckling and giggling like silly children, they slipped away from under the covers and skittered through the dark hallway of the flat, into the small, dim bathroom. 

The atmosphere was comfortingly domestic, Brian turned on the small, grubby shower to heat up the water, searching for fresh towels in the linen closet, while Freddie tried to not bump into him in the small room, shivering slightly. 

Brian´s heart clenched in sympathy when he noticed that the singer´s legs were still slightly wobbly as he climbed into the shower. Freddie sighed softly when the warm spray of the water hit him, letting it run over his naked form for a few moments, before he opened his eyes and held out his hands to Brian, asking him to join him in the shower.

“Freddie…It´s not big enough for the both of us…”, Brian protested half-heartedly, but Freddie would have none of it, continuing to hold out his hands. 

“Brimi…Brimi please…”, he pleaded, making big brown puppy dog eyes behind streaks of his wet fringe. 

“No…Freddie…”, Brian chuckled but the singer started to make grabby hands. 

“Darling…come on…please…”

“Oh fine…here we go…”

Freddie snorted with laughter when Brian tried to climb into the shower, nearly bringing down the shower curtain with him. 

“Christ…Freddie…the things I do for you…”, Brian huffed, their bodies flush against each other, the singer smiling up at him like a happy little child, chuckling at how Brian´s curls wetly hung into his eyes. 

Freddie was in his element, managing to get a hold of Brian´s shampoo, massaging it into the taller man´s curls and then letting Brian do the same to him, pressing kisses to Brian´s lips that tasted like soap and bubbly laughter.

“Beautiful…my beautiful…”, Freddie whispered, kissing Brian´s wet face until the guitarist was flushed and his heart bas beating very fast again. 

The water had already become lukewarm when they were done washing away the remains of their previous activities, taking their time, relishing in the slow touches and the way the warm water loosened up their tight muscles. 

As they dried off, Freddie started humming again, giving a shriek when Brian pinched him in the butt as he left the bathroom to get dressed.

A few moments later, Freddie stumbled into Brian´s room as well, shivering again, since the guitarist had opened a window to let in some air. 

Brian was in a fresh pair of pyjama bottoms and an old t-shirt as he watched the singer in the dim light as he got dressed into the pair of pyjamas that Brian had put out for him.  
Something inside of the guitarist´s chest fluttered, like a little bird flapping its wings, as he watched Freddie inside of his room, putting on his clothes, hair smelling of his shampoo. 

When he noticed Brian looking at him, Freddie turned around. He hid his shyness, his embarrassment at being looked at behind a cheeky smile and practically pounced at Brian, landing in his lap, almost knocking their heads against each other.

“You naughty thing, you…spying on me…”, he giggled and started to press small smacking kisses onto Brian´s neck, making the guitarist giggle and squirm. Brian started to tickle Freddie´s sides and the singer practically shrieked. 

“Stop…stop, Bri…Have mercy… please…”, he yelped and Brian´s fingers settled onto his hips, gently smoothing over his back. They smiled at each other, love drunk and happy and started kissing gently.  
Brian sighed contently into the kiss, but a noisy growl from his empty stomach made both of them stop in their tracks.

“Sorry…looks like I´ve gotten a bit hungry…”, Brian muttered, slightly embarrassed, but Freddie just grinned at him. 

“Well, after all this strenuous activity…”, he said with a dramatic eye-roll, that earned him another tickle, making him squirm in Brian´s lap. 

“Yeah…I´m famished…”, the guitarist chuckled and Freddie cupped his face in both of his delicate hands. 

“My poor darling…”, he tutted, rubbing the tip of his nose against Brian´s, giggling like a silly school boy. 

Brian smiled and with a groan, he scooped a very surprised Freddie up in his arms and managed to get up from the bed, almost stumbling, when Freddie started wiggling about, trying to get down. 

“Ah come on, you…let´s see what I´ve got in…”, Brian said through teeth gritted with the exertion of carrying Freddie over to the door. 

“Brian…stop it…oh my, you´re totally bonkers!”, the singer shrieked, but Brian would hear none of it, already out of the room and on his way to the kitchen. 

“Stop moving so much…God, you´re much heavier than you look!”, he moaned, but Freddie seemed to have taken a liking to being carried around like his, arms clinging onto Brian´s neck, laughing like he was having the time of his life. 

He almost looked disappointed when Brian heaved him up to sit on top of the kitchen counter, long skinny legs dangling off of it. He pressed another kiss to Freddie´s lips, then Brian proceeded to rummage through his cupboards, looking for something for them to eat. 

“How about beans on toast? Got some eggs as well…”, he murmured, going through the fridge. 

“Sounds good, darling. Well, there´s obviously some bacon missing from it but I guess I´ll survive…”

Brian stuck out his tongue at him and Freddie did the same, both of them giggling after doing so for a few seconds. 

While Brian fried the eggs and heated up the beans, Freddie made tea for them, making a great song and dance about pouring in just enough milk and stirring in more and more sugar. 

“What?”, Freddie asked, when he noticed Brian smiling down at him, probably looking like a very love-struck lunatic. The singer hid the blush that was creeping up his cheeks behind his mug of tea. 

“It´s just…I like it…us…Feels good, having you here.”, Brian murmured, blushing himself. 

Freddie gave a soft little hum, putting down his mug of tea, getting on his tip toes to place a tender kiss to Brian´s lips. 

“I like it too, darling…us…I love being here…with you.”

When their gazes met, Brian knew that Freddie could see it. He allowed Freddie to see it all. The love, the fear, the uncertainty and the happiness. And in turn, Freddie showed him all of his, his insecurity, his adoration, his love, his very heart. And right at this moment, even though none of this was certain, even though he knew that he would continue to hurt, to despair, to maybe even get his heart broken, it all felt right. 

“You´re everything I need, Brian. I´m so happy to have you in my life…”, Freddie whispered, stroking Brian´s cheek and then brushing away and unruly curl from his forehead. “My darling…”

Brian closed his eyes and could have easily spent a small eternity like this if it weren´t for the quite smoky smell that suddenly filled the kitchen. 

“Freddie…Do you smell that?”, he asked, brows furrowed. 

“Yeah…it´s quite intense? God, what is that?”, the singer murmured. 

The smell increased and when Brian opened his eyes, his gaze fell onto the frying pan that was still on the stove. 

“Oh God…”, Freddie murmured, eyes following Brian´s gaze over to the pan and the already burned mass that was sizzling inside of it. 

“The eggs!”, both of them shouted, rushing over to the stove to save what was left of their late night meal.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings,  
> this one´s just short and sweet, just a little bit of fluff before the real action will start to happen and the grand finale will unfold.  
> Hope you are all doing well!  
> Love you all!   
> Enjoy!

The dull pressure behind Brian´s temples had slowly manifested into a headache by now. His legs felt heavy and slightly numb when he walked out of the lecture hall after sitting his last exam of the semester. He had wrecked his brain for three hours straight and simply felt like he had been through the wringer multiple times. 

It hadn´t gone great, Brian already knew that. And even though he joined his mates when they all walked out of the lecture hall together, chatting about how relieved they were that it was over, he still couldn´t feel completely free of the immense pressure he had been under before. 

The weight on his shoulders simply wouldn´t lift and his brain kept bombarding him with questions.

Brian did very much blame himself for not working hard enough, even though he knew that it would have been impossible. How could he have gotten in more studying when he barely had been able to get enough sleep each night, sometimes sleeping only for a few restless hours to wake up early and even continue revising before his 9 am lectures had started? 

How could he have worked harder when he was already doing so much extra work, reading up on many of the topics they had covered in class to make sure he had really soaked them in properly and even doing practice essays whenever he could spare half an hour?

And then of course, there was Freddie, although Brian would never see what he had with his friend as a distraction. Of course he could have used the time he´d spent with the singer to work on his degree, but those hours in his lover´s arms were what kept him going, what made him happy.

They were what he looked forward to after long hours in the library, when his hand was cramping from writing notes and his head was hurting. 

During the past two weeks, Brian had felt like he really had gotten to experience what a loving relationship would be like…without actually being in a relationship. 

Because of course Freddie was there on four out of seven nights a week, dragging him away from his desk when it was late and Brian was practically falling asleep on top of his books. 

Of course he was feeding Brian the curry he had managed to bring over from his Mum´s Sunday lunch when the guitarist had forgotten to eat all day and was getting sluggish and tired with hunger.  
And of course he held Brian tightly every time they´d made love, kissing every inch of his lanky body, making him feel beautiful and desired and oh so loved. 

They shared their clothes, their food, their beds, their hopes and dreams with each other.

Freddie built him up when he was feeling down, he listened to Brian rambling on and on about the secrets of the cosmos, about how he was struggling to stay on top of his studies while keeping up with band rehearsals at the same time. But still Brian couldn´t secretly squeeze his hand under the table when they were out drinking with Roger and John because they weren´t boyfriends. 

Brian held Freddie tightly in his arms when they laid in bed after another gig and the other man was feeling drained and insecure after baring so much of his soul on stage, after singing his heart out and giving his everything to the people. But Freddie wouldn´t kiss him when they came off stage, wouldn´t give Brian more than a friendly hug and a beaming smile because they weren´t boyfriends. 

Even though it felt so much like they are in a relationship, they simply weren´t and it was getting harder and harder for Brian to accept it. Because on top of the fact that a possible relationship with Freddie would have to stay a secret forver, simply because society would not accept two men publicly displaying any sings of affection, Brian knew that Freddie still had made no attempts to talk to Mary and finally tell her the truth.

He was shaken from his thoughts when he felt someone gently nudging him in the side while he walked down the stairs, his backpack heavy on his shoulders. 

“Penny for your thoughts, Bri!”, when he looked up, he saw his friend Hannah beaming up at him. The small brunette was the only the girl in his friend group and ever since Brian and her had done a project for a seminar together back in first semester, they´d been good friends. 

“Sorry…didn´t mean to go into my shell again…”, Brian murmured, grinning at her, slightly embarrassed. 

“That´s alright, don´t worry. How did the exam go for you?”, she asked him, now walking next to him.

“Some of the questions were quite hard…Don´t really know if I´ve got them right, I should check my answers in the textbook later at home.”, Brian said, already feeling his stomach twist with worry.   
Hannah seemed to notice his discomfort and gave him a sympathetic smile. 

“Oh Brian, come on! No more textbooks tonight! You know, me and a few other people were thinking about going out tonight. Just for a few drinks to celebrate that we´re all done with exams now. Why don´t you come join us? It´ll be fun!”, she suggested.

Brian debated on simply telling her that he was much too tired to go out tonight, that he´d rather hide in his bed, pulling the covers over his head, maybe even get started on some research for his dissertation. 

But then he thought about what Freddie would have to say about him being such a recluse again, turning down the invitations of his friends for any social occasion. Freddie had quickly noticed Brian´s tendency to pull away from people when he felt sad. And while Brian knew that some alone time was fine, he knew what the singer meant when he said that Brian was missing out on opportunities because he already had his mind set on not deserving to enjoy them.

He didn´t have to stay for long, he told himself. Just a fun little evening out with his friends to celebrate the end of the semester. 

“Em…yeah okay…”, he replied and Hannah beamed up at him. 

“Great! There´s this pub down the road on Kensington High Street…King´s Arms or something like that, easy to find, really. We´ll meet there at 8 and then we´ll see where the night takes us.”, she explained to him and Brian nodded. 

“Sounds good, 8 pm, King´s Arms. I´ll be there.”

“Lovely! I´m glad you´re coming!”, she said with a smile, pushing a strand of her long auburn hair from her freckled face. 

“Yeah…I´m glad too…”, Brian said with a slightly awkward chuckle, once again noticing that he really was not that great at talking to people, especially when sober and very tired. 

Hannah´s gaze travelled across the entry hall of the building once they had arrived that the foot of the stairs and her eyes narrowed a bit as she seemed to spot something or someone.   
“Oh, I think there´s someone waiting for you.”, she said with a grin. 

“Who?”, Brian tried to follow the direction of her gaze, his height not giving him the usual advantage at spotting someone as it usually did. 

“That bloke with the black hair, he´s waving at you…over there.”, Hannah pointed to a spot not far from them to his left and when Brian´s gaze set on it, a big smile crept onto his lips and he felt his heart beating faster in his chest. 

“Freddie?”, he murmured, slightly confused but utterly happy to see the other man. 

When the singer saw that Brian had finally recognized him, a grin appeared on his lips, although he quickly pulled his upper lip over his teeth. The gesture was oddly touching to Brian. These small things that Freddie did without thinking much about them had grown dear to him. 

They had only seen each other the other day at rehearsals, but to Brian, seeing Freddie´s familiar face right after his exam was such a comfort, that he felt like he could actually tear up from simply being picked up by him.

“Sorry, I´ve got to say hello…”, he quickly told Hannah, already walking over towards his friend, but she seemed determined to come with him. 

“Is he one of your band mates? He looks fabulous! Wow, those clothes! Can you introduce us?”, she asked excitedly. 

He had once made the mistake of mentioning that he was in a band and from then on, he had never heard the end of it, his friends from university always asking when they would play again, wanting to see them live. 

And they would have many an opportunity to do so in the following months. 

Queen´s meeting with the producer from De-Lane-Lea-Studios had gone great and he had offered them an album deal and 15 more concerts in small venues in and around London to built their crowd of loyal fans, which all of them had been very happy with. 

Brian reckoned that his friends from uni imagined their usually very quiet and studious friend to lead some sort of wild rockstar life when he was with the band and therefore they took such a great interest in it. 

Hannah was staring at Freddie as if he was an oddly fascinating creature from another planet. 

And he surely did look the part. Freddie, being his usual fabulous self, was wearing tight black bell-bottom trousers with his favourite black satin blouse, paired with a leather jacket, his lovely white satin scarf and some black suede shoes with a slight heel, making his already very slim legs look even longer.

“Freddie, hey!”, Brian greeted him, slightly unsure of what do with himself, when the singer simply pulled him into a short but very tight hug that was so much needed on Brian´s behalf. 

“Hello darling!”, Freddie said with a grin, his dark eyes sparkling, his cheeks slightly flushed when he pulled back, his hands giving Brian´s narrow shoulder a little squeeze before letting go.

“What are you doing here?”, Brian asked and couldn´t stop smiling. 

Freddie rolled his eyes, still grinning at him. 

“Checking up on you to see if you´ve survived that horrendous exam!”, he explained. 

“Well, I did, as you can see.”, Brian replied, nudging Freddie in the side. 

“Barely, dear. You look like you´ve been through hell…”, the singer tutted, but then he noticed the girl standing next to Brian, gawking at him with big blue eyes and he flashed her a charming smile. 

“And who is that lovely lady by your side?”, the Persian asked. 

“Oh sorry, that´s Hannah. Hannah, this is my bandmate Freddie.”, Brian explained and watched Hannah smile at Freddie, looking almost dazzled. 

“Hello Freddie, nice to meet you!”, she said with a shy smile.

“Pleasure, darling. Might I say that those emerald green tights look just stunning on you.”, the singer complimented her and Hannah´s blush deepened. 

For all his occasional shyness, Freddie had always had a way with girls, knowing just where to add a well-thought-out compliment to win them over, although most of them usually misinterpreted Freddie´s friendliness for flirting. 

“Oh thank you, Freddie! You look amazing yourself! Your style is so unique!”, she complimented him back. 

“Darling, I fear you and me are the only people in this whole building who have any sense of style.”, he said with a cheeky smile, winking at Brian, who crossed his arms in front of his slim chest, one brow raised, watching Hannah giggle and blush. Just as usually, Freddie had the girl wrapped around his finger withing seconds.

“So, you´re in Brian´s band, Freddie? Queen, right?”, she asked, peering up at him. 

“It is, my dear. I am the singer…”, he managed to sound humble while still bragging and Brian couldn´t help but chuckle. 

“The singer! You sure do look like someone who belongs on a stage!”, she said and Freddie smiled at her brightly.

“Darling, you must come to our next concert! Next week, Saturday, 7 pm, Brian will tell you about the location, I´m rubbish with club names.”

“I´d love to!”, Hannah seemed very pleased with the invitation, but then her eyes set on a clock that was hanging over the entrance way and she pulled a face. 

“Oh crap, I´ve got to go home, promised my little sister to help her with her algebra homework before we go out.”, she hurriedly zipped up her jacket and slung her bag over her shoulder. 

“It was lovely meeting you, darling.”, Freddie smiled at her with another little wink. 

“It was lovely meeting you, Freddie! I´ll make sure to be at that concert! And I´ll ask Ben and Robert if they want to come as well!”, Hannah said, all bubbly and excited, while Brian supressed a groan. 

Hannah knew quite a lot of people and even though he was happy that more and more people wanted to see the band, he didn´t want people at uni thinking that he was becoming a famous rockstar, assuming he was getting arrogant. 

“The more the merrier, love! Tell as many people as you can!”, Freddie added, seemingly quite pleased with himself. 

“I will! See you tonight, Bri!”, she said, giving Brian a sweet smile. 

“Bye Hannah! See you!”, he replied and watched her sprint towards the doorway of the building, probably trying to catch the next bus home. 

His gaze set back on Freddie when he heard his friend giving a little snicker. 

“Got a little date tonight, darling?”, he asked in a low voice, a playful smile still tugging at his lips. 

“Don´t be silly, Fred. I´m just going out with a few friends, having a pint, nothing major…”, Brian tried to explain, although Freddie´s little eye roll told him that the singer had just teased him a little.

“I was just joking, love. I´m glad you´re spending some time out with your friends, having some fun. You sure do deserve it after all this wretched work you´ve been doing day and night…”, he smiled warmly at Brian and the guitarist felt his heart flutter inside of his chest. 

“It´s so good to see you…Thanks for picking me up.”, he said quietly, gazing into Freddie´s eyes. “The exam didn´t really go too well…”, he added in a murmur and felt Freddie´s hand on his arm, giving it a sympathetic little squeeze. They were standing a little closer than two normal mates would have, but no one seemed to pay them any attention. 

“Brimi, I know you´re a hard working guy, but don´t worry about it now. It´s done, you´ve handed it in. I´m sure you´ve done well, don´t beat yourself up about it now, hmm darling?”, Freddie said softly and then leaned in a little closer, a gently smile on his lips. 

“Listen lovie…Why don´t you come over to my place for a bit? I mean, I´d take you out for a meal but I know you´re not too keen on being out with lots of people around…so maybe my place would be fine as well…Rog isn´t in.”, he suggested and Brian noticed himself smiling again.

“Your place sounds perfect, Fred…”, he said quietly and the singer gave him a little nod. 

“Alright, let´s go…”, Freddie´s fingers quickly brushed up against his, unnoticed by anyone around them, as they made their way to the entrance door and out onto the campus to take the Tube over to Freddie and Roger´s flat. 

“Got you a little something…”, Freddie had said, smiling almost shyly, once they had entered his room. By now, Brian had gotten so used to the usual mess, the clothes everywhere, they unmade bed, the art supplies covering a certain spot of floor near the window, that the cluttered room was like a second home to him. 

He was surprised to see Freddie shuffling over to a mug on the window still. Inside was a lovely little bouquet, if one could call it that, of daisies and dandelions, held together by a little piece of string. They had been arranged beautifully, Brian could tell that the flowers, for all their simplicity, had been put together with great care and love. 

Carefully, Freddie took the flowers from the mug and came over to Brian, who felt himself blushing at the sweet gesture.

“For me? Freddie, those are lovely…”, he whispered in awe, taking the little bouquet from his friend´s hands, his finger´s slightly shaky, which he barely could conceal. He hadn´t received flowers before, not ever and certainly not from someone he was romantically involved with. 

Freddie blushed, smiling one of his adorable close-lipped smiles, lashes fluttering shyly. 

“You like them? Stole them from someone´s front lawn just this morning, nearly got caught…They just…reminded me of you…you know, dandelion fluff, kinda reminds me of your hair sometimes…”, the singer murmured as an explanation, hands behind his back, smiling sweetly. 

“They are adorable…Thank you so much…”, Brian took a final step towards him and leaned in, the tips of their toes almost touching, the flowers between them as the guitarist pressed a small kiss to the Persian´s cheek, lingering, staying close to plant another kiss onto the shell of Freddie´s ear, making him giggle. 

“Wanted you to have something nice…since you´ve worked so hard and you´re done with your semester now…just as a little pick-me-up…”, Freddie murmured, turning his face slightly so the tip of his nose gently brushed against Brian´s cheek. Brian could feel him smiling against his skin. 

“Thank you, baby…”, he whispered and then leaned in a little further. There was a moment of hesitation before their first proper kiss of the day, as always, their little ritual of giving in, giving in to each other once again. 

It made them feel special, all of those first kisses, tender and nervous and oh so lovely, but it also meant that Brian once again had to realize, that Freddie still wasn´t used to simply kissing him by now, as it would have been the case, were they in a relationship. 

When their lips finally met, Freddie gave a soft little sigh and Brian smiled against his mouth, feeling Freddie do the same, playfully nipping at his lower lip until the guitarist couldn´t supress the shiver that was running down his spine. 

Freddie´s eyes were sparkling mischievously when they broke the kiss, front teeth peeking out from under his upper lip. 

“Oh it´s nothing really, love.”, he said, his hands resting on Brian´s shoulders, thumbs caressing them playfully. “Would have been much nicer if I could have given them to you when I´ve picked you up at uni though…”, the singer added in a murmur, but Brian just shook his head, smiling. 

“It´s just as lovely receiving them right here…in your room…where I can snog you silly to say thank you…”, Brian dove in for another kiss, Freddie´s mouth opening up to his teasing tongue very quickly, the flowers soon getting slightly squished in between their bodies, when Freddie slung his arms around him. 

A bit of the pressure and stress of the previous weeks seemed to melt away slowly and he only came up for air, once his lungs were screaming for it, Freddie´s kisses simply leaving him slightly breathless, as always. 

He leaned his head against Freddie´s shoulder, his face hidden in the silky material of Freddie´s sheer black blouse, allowing himself to close his eyes and to simply be held by his lover.   
Freddie tutted softly, his fingers gently fidgeting with the collar of Brian´s shirt, as if he was getting it back in order. 

“Oh god, I´m so tired…I feel like I´ve been awake for days…”, Brian murmured, his tongue clumsy with exhaustion. 

“Well, exams are very exhausting, love.”, Freddie pressed another sweet kiss to his cheek and Brian allowed himself to melt into his lover´s touch, eyes closed, letting the tiredness take over him, because he knew that for Freddie, he didn´t have to put on a show of being bubbly and energised. 

“Would you mind if I lied down for a sec…”, he asked. His voice had gone all croaky and quiet. 

“Oh come here, my poor little darling…”, Freddie said, his voice so soft, his tone so tender that Brian´s heart ached. The singer took the flowers from his hands and placed them back into the mug. Then he steered Brian into the direction of his bed, even helping him lie down onto the covers. 

Brian closed his eyes again, sighing softly when his head hit the pillow. His arm blindly reached over onto his side and quickly found Freddie, snuggling up against him, hearing a soft little chuckle from the singer when Brian nuzzled his neck.

“Are you comfortable, my sweet?”, Freddie asked him, while his fingers started alternating between playing with Brian´s hair and gently tracing patterns across Brian´s back. 

“Yes…”, Brian sighed. It felt so good to allow Freddie to take care of him, even if it was just by holding him, by keeping him company and simply being there when he felt tired and exhausted.   
Brian could feel himself nodding off, his limbs pleasantly heavy, feeling warm and safe in Freddie´s arms. How very sweet it had been of the singer to pick him up from uni, to give him flowers and take him home for a little nap. Freddie seemed to know just exactly what Brian had needed.

“Sorry…I´m falling asleep…”, he slurred, but Freddie only gave him a soft chuckle and pressed a gentle kiss onto the crown of his head. 

“That´s okay, my darling…”, the Persian said gently. “Don´t worry…I´ll hold you tight…have a little nap…”

“Hmmm…”, Brian hummed and finally allowed himself to drift off to dream land. 

When he woke up, he was alone in Freddie´s bed. The singer´s room was bathed in the soft, warm glow of late-afternoon-light, the shadows already getting longer. 

Gazing onto the alarm clock on Freddie´s bedside table, he noticed that he had slept for almost two hours and felt slightly embarrassed of it. 

How boring it must have been for Freddie, watching him crash on his bed and then sleep like a dead man, not really able to do anything inside of his room without fearing to wake Brian up. 

He heard a slight rattle of teacups from the hallway and Freddie appeared in the doorway, carrying a wooden tray on which be balanced a teapot, two mugs and a bowl filled with delicious looking chocolate biscuits, which made Brian´s empty stomach rumble. 

Freddie smiled fondly at him, when he saw that Brian had woken up. 

“Hello darling, feeling a little better?”, he asked, taking a seat next to Brian on the bed, placing the tray right in front of them on the duvet. Brian sat up, slowly, rubbing a hand over his eyes, his head slightly foggy from his nap, although he felt very well rested. 

“Sorry, should have set an alarm clock or something, been out cold for almost two hours, how embarrassing.”, he murmured, but Freddie softly chuckled and brushed a curl from Brian´s forehead, his fingers gently caressing the guitarist´s rosy cheek. 

For all his confident and flamboyant demeanour, the Persian could be quite the mother hen. Brian had noticed before how much he enjoyed taking care of the people he cared for, providing them with whatever they needed, wanting to see them happy and thriving. To be the focus of Freddie´s care and love was very addictive and Brian knew that he was guilty of yearning for it. 

“Nonsense Brimi, you needed some rest after all your hard work. There´s nothing to be embarrassed about, darling.”, Freddie´s smile grew a little bit wider, “Besides…you look positively adorable sleeping like that…so sweet…”

Brian blushed crimson and gave a small laugh at hearing those words. 

“Thank you for letting me sleep…”, he murmured shyly and pressed a quick kiss to the singer´s cheek, which had him chuckling, the gesture innocently sweet, childish almost. With anyone else, Brian would have felt silly but with Freddie, he knew that the little gesture was appreciated. 

“So…”, Freddie clapped his hands onto his thighs and then carefully took the teapot by the handle, holding it over one of the mugs. “Would you like some tea, love?”, he asked and Brian nodded enthusiastically. 

“Yes please…”, he replied and watched Freddie pour the tea, smelling the zesty spices that suddenly filled the air.

“Is that chai?”, he asked and Freddie nodded with a grin while pouring some of it into his own mug. 

“Mum always packs some teabags for me. I know you like it best, that´s why I saved it for today.”, he explained and Brian felt like he could have literally melted right onto the bed. 

“Have a biscuit, darling!”, Freddie said with a sweet smile and offered the bowl to him. It was only then that Brian noticed that those were his favourites as well, the one´s that he had gotten from his parents for last year´s Christmas and had shared with the boys on their new year´s party, tipsily going on and on about how good they were and how much he wished he could afford to get them more often. Freddie seemed to have remembered the brand.

“Freddie, those are way too expensive…”, Brian sighed, trying to look at his friend as if he was more shocked than utterly delighted with the little treat. Being spoiled like that felt lovely, but he knew that the ten quid that the biscuits had cost the singer probably meant that he would be skipping dinner for the next three or four days. 

“No, they´re not. “, Freddie murmured with a little wave of his hand and happily watched Brian gobble up the chocolaty sweet. 

“Come on love, have another one, they´re all for you.”, he offered, when Brian was finished with his first one. 

They drank their tea and Freddie forced Brian to eat at least six more biscuits, while only letting himself be persuaded to have one of them. 

“Hold on, love, you´ve got a crumb there…”, Freddie murmured, leaning over to Brian to wipe at the side of his mouth with his thumb, probably getting rid of some chocolate, but the guitarist, who was now feeling warm and full, his stomach tensing with the intense affection he felt for his friend, wouldn´t let him and simply leaned in to kiss Freddie again. 

Freddie, who had been concentrating on wiping the crumbs on Brian´s mouth away, made a soft little “Ooff”, sound, when Brian´s lips collided with his and the guitarist couldn´t help but chuckle into their kiss.

The singer´s lips tasted of chai tea and chocolate. 

“Darling, I wasn´t done there…your mouth´s still a chocolaty mess…”, Freddie protested, even though he did not sound very convincing and tried to follow Brian´s lips when the guitarist pulled away a little, smiling at him. 

“Don´t care…”, Brian murmured and teasingly licked over the singer´s bottom lip, making Freddie blush. It never ceased to amaze Brian how easily the singer became very flushed from just the simplest of things. “You could just kiss all that chocolate away…”, he murmured, breath ghosting over Freddie´s lips as he pulled away slightly. 

Freddie chuckled, gaze finding Brian´s, eyes glinting cheekily. 

“You really are a clever guy, Brimi…”, he whispered, a teasing tone to his voice.

“Yeah, I am, right?”, Brian murmured back, his lips almost touching Freddie´s, smiling. 

“Ah, come here, you!”, Freddie snickered, wrapping Brian into his embrace and for a long while, none of them spoke a single word, their lips too busy trading sweet, teasing kisses. Their touches did not turn heated or rushed and stayed playful, innocent even. 

Brian quickly put the tray down onto the floor and they laid down on Freddie´s spacious bed, alternating between tender kisses and holding each other, almost dozing off, feeling completely relaxed and secluded from the world outside of the room.

Brian had a feeling that with Freddie, he was safe from any harm, from any stress, any fear and anxiety. It was their own little universe, the four walls of the room they stayed in, their secret, just theirs and no one else´s. 

“I should go…”, Brian murmured against the warm skin of Freddie´s neck and reluctantly lifted his head. The singer tenderly stroked his cheek with his thumb, tutted softly and pushed a few strand curls from Brian´s forehead. 

Freddie loved fussing over Brian´s appearance, tucking back his hair, straightening the collar of his shirt. With anyone else, the guitarist would have found it annoying, he was a grown man after all and could very well take care of his hair and clothes himself, thank you very much. But with Freddie, Brian took it as another expression of how much the Persian cared for him.   
He secretly loved when Freddie was like this, protective, caring and sweet like honey. 

“Yeah, you should…”, the singer murmured, an apologetic smile on his lips. 

“Yeah…”, Brian replied, already pushing himself up on his elbows to get up, only to sink down onto Freddie´s warm chest once again, letting out big sigh, making the singer giggle.   
“I could stay…”, Brian chuckled hopefully, peeking at his lover from under his messy, curly fringe. 

Freddie shook his head and pushed himself up into a sitting position. 

“Darling, no! I insist that you go!”, he stroked Brian´s cheek with his thumb, a warm smile on his lips, “Come on, love! Go out with your uni mates, have some fun! Live a little!”

“Okay…”, Brian sighed, slowly getting up from the bed, straightening his rumpled clothes, quickly checking out his image in the big floor length mirror that Freddie had placed on the wall opposite to his bed. 

Brian smiled when he thought about how often his gaze had shifted over to the reflecting surface when they had been in bed together, only to catch Freddie heatedly glancing at their image as well, watching the reflection of their naked bodies moving in the mirror. 

For all his insecurity and occasional shyness, Freddie loved watching himself and he loved watching Brian just as much when they were together.

The guitarist felt the singer stepping up behind him, his delicate hands on Brian´s slim hips, leaning his cheek against Brian´s shoulder blade. 

“Just don´t get too drunk…”, Freddie murmured and pressed a little kiss onto Brian´s clothed shoulder. The gesture was affectionate and caring, warming the guitarist´s heart. 

Brian turned around so he was facing the other man, pulling him close once again, Freddie raising his head to look up at him. 

“Don´t you worry, Fred. I´ll be alright…”, Brian said with an easy smile, but the singer shook his head slightly. If Brian didn´t know any better, he would have thought that the Persian was in fact a little concerned.

“No…I mean it, Brimi. I´ll be worried about you. Just…stay safe, okay?”, Freddie said, once again playing with the collar of the guitarist´s shirt. 

Brian gently took hold of his lover´s smaller hands, holding them in his and looking into those beautiful brown eyes. 

“I promise, baby. I´ll stay safe, okay? I don´t want you to worry about me.”

Freddie sighed softly when Brian pressed a little kiss to the inside of the singer´s delicate wrist.

“Yes…alright…”, the Persian replied in a little murmur and Brian couldn´t help but kiss him again. They spent quite a long time saying their goodbyes, kissing a hugging, smiling against each other lips, neither of them really wanting to let the other man leave. 

Brian knew that it was silly. They would probably see each other in the days to follow and now that Brian had much more time on his hands, they would surely spent even more time with each other, the summer full of gigs, music and warm nights ahead of them to do whatever they liked with their time. 

Nonetheless, today was Brian´s first night out without Deaky, Roger and Freddie and it almost felt weird going out without his three best friends and not planning on spending the night with Freddie, sneaking away with him halfway through the night, stealing kisses on their way back home in dark alleys because they simply couldn´t wait any longer. 

It was quite the miracle that Brian managed to leave at all, his little bouquet of daisies and daffodils in hand, taking the bus home to get ready for his night out in town. 

Still, his thoughts and his heart were with Freddie and how sweet his lover had been today, the feeling bitter-sweet, making him yearn even harder for something he knew he could not yet have.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello folks,  
> not gonna ramble on much, just gonna leave this here. Writing the second part of the chapter was pretty emotional but I enjoyed it so much. And even though the ending of this chapter might be a little bit angsty, it is a very important step on Brian and Freddie´s journey.  
> So yeah, there you go!  
> Enjoy!

Brian almost tripped over his own feet Hannah and he crossed the street. His friend giggled. 

“Upps…”, he murmured, chuckling, feeling the brunette girl quickly hold on to his waist to steady him, while they made their way to the other side of the busy London road. A car honked at them, one of the drivers flipped him off. 

It was only now that Brian realised that the man in the car had probably hit the bricks hard to keep the car from running into them, since Brian had stopped walking to abruptly. 

“Gosh Bri, you really are a clumsy drunk, sweetheart.”, Hannah laughed, only now taking her hands away from his waist. She seemed to assume that Brian was a little more steady on his feet by now.

“I´m not that drunk!”, the guitarist slurred, giggling for a reason he couldn´t really say, his arm around her shoulders, still holding onto his friend. “Just a little tipsy, that´s all!”, he added, hiccupping, more laughter bubbling out from his throat, making Hannah chuckle as well. 

“I like drunk Brian. He´s adorable!”, she said and pressed a kiss to his cheek, her hand on his neck, her fingers in his hair and Brian blushed, pleasantly content with how the evening with his friends had gone. 

He knew that he had been spending much too little time with them, not really giving them a chance to be more than his mates to sit with during lectures and seminars and have lunch with, talking about mundane things, a friendship that never really went beyond the superficial chatter of exams and deadlines. 

But tonight, he had discovered how much fun it was to simply go with the flow, joining the conversations when he felt like it and staying a little more quiet, simply just listening, when he needed a little bit of time to recharge. He had found that none of the dreaded awkward silence had occurred just like he hadn´t made a fool of himself. 

Maybe Freddie had really been right all along. Allowing himself to enjoy social occasions was fun, when one made the effort to not constantly judge oneself on any flaws or social inabilities that were probably just in his head to begin with. 

They had been to the pub and another small, slightly dingy student bar, before heading to a club. Brian hadn´t been to one of those in ages and had felt quite apprehensive at first, not even the two pints and the countless shots he had had were able to change anything about that. 

But his friend Hannah had made it her task to make him enjoy the evening, so she had stayed with him for most of the time, so after a while, Brian had even been comfortable enough to dance, slowly learning to enjoy the anonymity of the crowd.

And while he had gathered Hannah in his arms, laughed with her and twirled her around, he hadn´t been able to stop himself from imagining doing the same with Freddie, seeing the sparkle in his eyes, when he lifted him up slightly, feeling his warm breath on his cheeks when the singer giggled with joy, the sound swallowed up by the music. 

If more sober, Brian would surely have rolled his eyes at his own thoughts. How on God´s earth was he missing the singer already, when they had spent the afternoon kissing and cuddling in his bed, soaking up the singer´s presence like a sponge?

What a love-sick fool he was, Brian thought, but in his current state, there was no bitterness to the thought. Hadn´t Freddie shown him this afternoon how much he cared for him, picked him up from uni, given him flowers, made him tea and fed him delicious biscuits simply because he knew that those things would bring Brian joy?

Yes, they hadn´t said those three magic words since the passionate night they had spent together just three weeks ago, but what did it matter, when the singer´s every action showed Brian how dear he was to him, how much he adored him. Brian had loved being pampered and spoiled, being the centre of Freddie´s attention, being able to push away the thought that the Persian still wasn´t his entirely.  
In moments like these, he felt silly for even caring about it. Freddie was his and he was Freddie´s. No further proof needed. 

And on this lovely summer night, being happy and drunk and utterly relieved that his exams were over, he longed to be with no one else but the singer. Because when it came to the end of the day, when Brian was too tired to pretend anymore, he knew that those nights with Freddie were the happiest he had spent in his whole life, that he felt the safest, the most content when with the singer. 

Brian wasn´t a very spontaneous guy, but the decision to simply go back to Freddie and Roger´s place, hoping that his lover was in tonight to welcome him in his arms again, was a quick one.  
Freddie wouldn´t mind, he told himself, he would probably be quite happy to see him, safe and sound after his wild night out in town. Maybe Brian would even tell him a little bit about how he had danced with Hannah all night, just to make him a tiny bit jealous. 

“I think I´m gonna head home now.”, he told her, as they still walked together, arm in arm. 

As the words left his lips, the guitarist noticed how he had called Freddie´s place home and couldn´t help but smile softly. It was true. He had always felt welcome and comfortable at Roger and Freddie´s flat, but since things between the Persian and him had changed, he saw Freddie´s small, cluttered room as a sanctuary, their secret little haven, a place where he experienced pleasure, love and comfort. A place he loved just as much as the man who inhabited it. 

“Really? Are you tired, Bri?”, Hannah asked him, gently squeezing his slim waist with her hand, smiling up at him. 

“Yeah…sorry…”, Brian murmured and hoped that his friend wouldn´t think him to be too boring. But Hannah simply smiled and nodded slowly. They were already making their way to the nearest bus station. 

“That´s alright. You´ve been out long enough tonight for it to be considered having as much fun as one Brian May can have.”, she teased him a little and Brian couldn´t help but chuckle. 

They had reached the bus stop and Brian squinted slightly to be able to read the numbers on the fronts of the busses, trying to figure out which one would take him back to Freddie and Roger´s. 

Hannah did not really seem to be very concerned with getting home just yet. The petite brunette simply leaned against Brian, her hands around his middle, resting her head on his shoulder. Brian wasn´t uncomfortable with it, he knew this sort of affectionate behaviour from Freddie and even Roger when they were drunk.

Still, the words she next spoke did surprise him slightly. 

“You know…you could take me home with you if you´d like…”, she said softly, smiling at him, one of her hands suddenly on his neck, fingertips gently stroking the skin above the collar of his shirt. 

“Em…”, he managed to stammer, swallowing thickly and staring down at her, not really sure about how to politely tell his friend that he wasn´t interested. 

“Don´t just say em, Brian. Say yes, won´t you?”, she leaned in slightly, her breath ghosting over his cheek, her face so close that Brian could see each and every one of her countless freckles, which were in fact, adorable. 

Hannah was a lovely girl and Brian would have been lying if he´d said that he´d never thought about asking her to go out for a meal or to the movies once or twice in the last two years. She was bubbly and friendly, she was studious, just like him and she was open-minded, interested in literature and the cosmos, while also caring about women´s rights and other societal issues, which Brian admired greatly. 

But now, there wasn´t even a second thoughts in his mind about going along with what she had suggested. In his heart, there was Freddie, had been for a few weeks, almost two months now and even thought Hannah was pretty, sweet and an overall wonderful person, she wasn´t him. And without thinking about it too much, he knew that there was no one else he wanted. 

“Hannah…listen…”, Brian said slowly, carefully, even though he didn´t really know how to explain himself, how to find the right words. 

“I am listening…”, she replied in a low murmur, her finger now caressing his cheek, her eyes gazing at his lips, a slight blush on her cheeks. 

“You know…I…”, Brian started, stopping midway, taking a deep breath. He tried to consider a reasonable explanation, tried to wreck his brain for something that would let her down gently, but his lips seemed to be much quicker. 

“I´ve got a boyfriend…”, he blurted out, his voice slightly hoarse and hushed, scared that anyone around them would hear him. But God, saying those words felt good. It gave him such a rush of adrenalin, making his heart pound with fear and happiness, a shaky smile appearing on his lips. “Actually… I´m going home to him.”, Brian added. 

“Really?”, Hannah asked and the guitarist´s brain, busy bombarding him with questions of how he could have been so stupid and careless as to simply give his secret away just like that, couldn´t really cope with the genuine smile that started to form on her lips. 

“Yeah…em…”, he stammered and to his great surprise, Hannah leaned in and pressed an excitedly drunk kiss onto his cheek. 

“Oh Brian, that´s lovely! I´m so happy for you!” she beamed up at him, now cradling his face in both her hands. 

“You are?”, Brian asked, a nervous little laugh escaping his lips.

“Yes of course I am, silly!”, Hannah said, her hands now laying on his shoulders. “You know, I´ve slept with a few of my mates…and my female friends as well actually…it´s no big deal.”, she explained very casually, not really lowering the volume of her voice. 

If Brian wouldn´t have been so surprised, he would have been slightly embarrassed, because it was very clear that some of the few people that were waiting for the bus as well, even at this late hour, were listening as well. 

“But since you´re already taken, I´ll go to my own bed tonight.”, Hannah added, smiling up at him as if nothing had happened.  
By now, she probably had noticed that Brian´s mouth was slightly agape, and he was staring at her with big hazel eyes, not really being able to process what he had just heard. 

“What? Don´t look so shocked! This is the year of 1971! Times are changing!”, she said with a confident smile and in this moment, Brian really did admire her for her courage. 

“So…you´re bisexual?”, he asked carefully, but his friend just shrugged. 

“Maybe…I don´t know…Don´t really try and label myself in any way. Anyways…”, she smiled up at him, gently stroking his cheek with her thumb in a gentle way, almost as if she was proud at her introverted friend for revealing something so profound to her. “I´m glad you´ve told me…about your boyfriend. I bet he´s amazing!”, her eyes twinkled with excitement. 

“He is…He´s my everything.”, Brian replied and couldn´t keep himself from grinning, his cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. With a soft little scoff, he lowered his head and Hannah tutted softly, hugging him tightly. 

“Oh Bri, I´m so happy for you, sweetheart!”, she kissed his cheek and Brian hugged her back, closing his eyes for a second, relishing in the pleasant sensation of feeling a weight being lifted off his shoulders. Never in a million years would he have thought that she would be the first he´d share his secret with. 

When she pulled back, she grinned at him, barely being able to hold in her laughter. 

“Brian…it´s that Freddie-bloke, isn´t it?”, she asked, giddily bouncing up and down on the tips of her toes. 

The guitarist groaned, hiding his face in her shoulder, feeling her chest shake with laughter, as she hugged him tightly once again. 

“I´m right, yeah? It´s him, isn´t it?”, she continued to ask and Brian slowly lifted his head, caught upbetween smiling and looking very defeated. 

“Maybe…”, he murmured and Hannah gave a little squeal, Brian ducking his head because he could feel people´s eyes on them again. 

“I knew I was right! The way he hugged you and how he looked at you when you came up to him, like he´d never seen anyone more beautiful.”, she gave another giggle. “God, that´s so adorable, he picked you up after your exam! So cute!”

“Yes, it was really sweet of him…”, Brian said with a shy smile, his heart beating faster from even thinking about his lover. 

“And he´s gorgeous! Such a charming, unique guy, totally get how you fell for him, wouldn´t have said no myself…”, Hannah continued to rave on, still not really turning down the volume of her voice, all bubbly and drunk, making Brian blush once again.

“Hannah…people are staring…”, he said quietly and his friend quickly closed her mouth, although she could barely contain her happiness at Brian´s revelation, still smiling brightly.  
“Sorry…sorry, Bri…”, she said, quickly clearing her throat. 

“It´s okay…”, Brian said and couldn´t help but smile as well. His friend´s lovely reaction and her support meant a lot to him, once again making him realise that opening up to people and letting them in was less scary than he always thought it to be and could actually be quite beneficial for his mental health. 

“Thanks for joining us tonight, love. I know you´re not that big on going out and drinking and all that jazz. But it was fun having you around.”, Hannah said and her gaze turned soft and warm. Brian could tell that her words were genuine. The fact that someone actually voiced how they appreciated his presence was like a soothing balm to his restless soul and his wandering mind. 

“I´m glad I came with you guys. I really did have a good time.”, he replied, once again flushing with feeling happy and slightly awkward at the same time. 

“Oh Bri, you´re such a sweetheart.”, Hannah sighed and pulled Brian into another tight hug, tugging him down quite a bit, since he was very much taller than her. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Brian saw another bus pulling up and was able to recognize the number, quickly noticing that it was the one that would take him over to Freddie´s.  
“That´s my bus…”, the guitarist managed to get out and Hannah let him go with a roll of her eyes and a big smile. 

“Well, don´t stand here chatting to me! Get on that bus!”, she said, nodding over to the bus, that was now coming to a stop, the doors opening. 

“Thanks Han, I really mean it! Thank you so much!”, Brian said quickly, hugging her once more, just for good measure. 

“That´s okay, Bri…”, she said softly, her lips close to his ear, pressing another kiss to his cheek before letting go of him. “Good night, sweety. Sleep tight…both you and that lovely boyfriend of yours.”, she added, her voice a little more quiet this time, making Brian blush again. 

“Good night, Han…”, he was pulling away, already making his way over to the bus, the driver meeting his gaze, looking quite annoyed with how long Brian took to get on. 

The guitarist murmured a quick apology before getting his ticket from the tired looking man. Then he took a seat by one of the big windows. As the bus drove off, Hannah waved at him once again, a cigarette in hand, grinning at him as if Brian´s happiness was her own. 

When Brian knocked on the door to Freddie and Roger´s flat, a very sleepy looking drummer appeared after quite some time of the guitarist waiting in the dark and slightly chilly hallway. 

Brian´s giddiness had only multiplied during his bus ride and he simply hadn´t taken into consideration that his friends would be asleep at such a late hour. 

Roger blinked at him a few times, before he seemed to be able to recognize Brian in the shadows of the hallway. He wore a pair of frayed boxers and a cosy looking t-shirt, his dark blonde hair a mess. 

“Bri? What are doing here, it´s one in the morning?”, he grumbled, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes, supressing a yawn, seemingly slightly irritated at the disturbance of his beauty sleep.

“Sorry Rog…just wanted to pop over to see Fred…”, Brian replied, smiling at him, full of drunken happiness, knowing that in the morning, he would be very embarrassed with his bluntness.

“A-alright em come in…I don´t know if he´s already asleep or something…”, Roger murmured, stepping aside to let Brian pass. “Is it something urgent? Did something happen?”

“Don´t worry, it´s nothing really…go back to sleep, yeah?”, the guitarist said, giving him two enthusiastic thumbs up, which had the drummer raising an eyebrow, while Brian already made his way over to Freddie´s room. 

“Bri, are you drunk?”, Roger asked him, a small smile tugging at his lips, although he still looked slightly confused. 

“Just a little tipsy! It´s okay, Rog, go back to sleep!”, Brian told him, still smiling brightly and barely being able to contain it. He told himself to at least try to look less like he was beyond excited to see Freddie again, like a fool in love who couldn´t wait to return to his lover´s arms. 

“Alright…”, Roger grumbled, shooting him another half-amused, half-suspicious look before slowly shuffling over to his room on the other side of the small, dark hallway of the flat, softly closing the door behind him. 

Brian took a deep breath, hurriedly running his hands over his hair to make it look less like a bird´s nest, even though he knew that it was absolutely useless. Besides, Freddie knew what his hair could be like and had expressed many a time that he liked it that way, unruly and wild, a compliment much appreciated by Brian, who had always been insecure about his hair. 

He raised his hand and gently knocked on the door, already feeling a smile spreading on his lips. 

“Yes?”, he heard Freddie´s muffled voice and quietly opened the door, peeking in.

“Hi…”

Freddie´s head shot up when he recognized him. He had been sketching in one of his many notebooks, fingertips smudged black with kohl pencil, sitting crossed legged on his bed, the sheets rumpled.  
The room was slightly chilly, due to the open window, letting in some fresh nightly air, carrying the sounds of the city by night into the room. 

The room looked just like Brian had left it behind a few hours ago, cluttered and messy and cosy and at this moment, there was no other place on earth where he would have rather been. 

“Brian?”, the singer asked, sounding slightly disbelieving, putting down his pencil on the nightstand. 

“You´re still up…good…”, Brian came in, closing the door behind him, walking over to the bed, stumbling while taking off his clogs in the process, giggling when he fell more than he sat down next to Freddie on the bed. 

“Brimi…you alright?”, quickly, the singer was close to him, a slightly worried look on his face. Freddie wiped his hands on a cotton handkerchief on the nightstand, then Brian felt the Persian´s fingers brushing up against his cheek and forehead, as if Freddie wanted to make sure that he wasn´t sick. 

“Yeah…I am very well, thank you very much…”, he replied with a chuckle, pressing a quick kiss to Freddie´s knuckles. It was only then that he realised that Freddie´s eyes looked slightly puffy and reddened, his kajal smudged. Maybe he had been sleeping before, since his hair was messy and the skin of his cheeks was a bit flushed. 

“What are you up to?”, Brian asked, leaning against the Persian´s shoulder, peeking down at the page of the notepad. 

“Just some sketching…couldn´t sleep…”, Freddie replied, his voice sounding very groggy, slightly hoarse even. He seemed to be slightly hesitant about letting the guitarist look at his sketches and Brian quickly noticed why. 

While he had assumed that it was course work Freddie was doing, working on some designs for coats, suits or blouses he had to come up with for his final project of the semester, he soon noticed that it was actually a person his friend had drawn onto the page in various poses. 

It was him.  
Brian, playing his guitar, caught up in the moment, eyes closed, mouth slightly agape, wild hair and radiating a kind of tranquil energy. Brian, sleeping peacefully, his head resting on his head, blissfully unaware of the observer´s gaze, his hair falling onto the pillow in tight little curls. And finally, Brian laughing, eyes squeezed shut, mouth open. Freddie had even included his slightly crooked tooth, although the drawing made it look much less like the weird little fang Brian always thought it to be. 

“That´s me…”, Brian said softly, his gaze glued to the intricated lines, the skilful image of himself that Freddie had put on the paper. The singer could have drawn anything, anything at all and still he had decided to draw Brian in such a way that almost made the guitarist feel like he could see himself through Freddie´s eyes. 

It was as if his flaws became invisible, his limbs less gangly, his nose less prominent, his hair less frizzy. To Freddie, Brian seemed to be worth looking at, worth to be turned into beautiful art, all even lines and gentle shading. 

Freddie had drawn him beautiful, strong and happy and the thought of it made Brian´s heart swell in his chest. 

“Yeah, it is you, darling.”, the singer chuckles, softly smiling at him. With a soft hum, Brian leaned his head onto Freddie´s shoulder, inching closer to him. Within a second, the Persian had laid his arm around the guitarist´s slim shoulders. 

“How was your night, love? Had a good time?”, Freddie asked, his cheek resting against Brian´s hair.

“Yeah, it was really lovely. We went to the pub and to a bar and to a club and I even danced for a little bit…but then I got really tired…and I kinda missed you.”, Brian explained in a hushed voice, angling his face slightly, so that he could press his nose into the crook of Freddie´s neck. “So I popped over…”

“Come here, my darling…I´ve missed you too.”, the singer sighed softly, shifting slightly, so they could both lay down on top of the duvet. 

When Brian pressed his nose against the skin on Freddie´s neck, he noticed a smell that was rather uncharacteristic for his lover. Of course, there was the musky freshness of the expensive shaving cream that Freddie insisted on using, the zesty smell of the tea the singer drank every day and a bit of his shampoo, but there was also a sweet floral note that seemed faintly familiar to Brian. 

He wanted to press closer, but Freddie´s sturdy notebook was still awkwardly resting in the singer´s lap, one of the corners digging into Brian´s thigh, making their cuddling rather uncomfortable. 

“Would you mind if I put this down?”, Brian asked, taking the notepad and Freddie shook his head sleepily as Brian leaned over him, already reaching down to put it on the floor. 

He had placed it onto the small rug next to the bed, when he noticed an item of clothing next to it. Clothes being littered all over the floor really wasn´t a rarity when it came to the singer´s room, but the fabric and its dusty pink colour seemed a little bit odd, even for Freddie who loved bold fashion choices. 

Frowning slightly, Brian picked up the jacket and started looking at it. It was small, too small even to fit Freddie, a women´s item of clothing, made for someone who not only wasn´t very tall but also quite petite. 

A sinking feeling started to manifest in Brian´s stomach, making him feel sick. 

“What is that?”, he hissed, sitting up again, the jacket in hand. 

“What do you mean, love?”, Freddie asked, blinking at him, as Brian watched the realisation settle onto his face. 

Brian shook his head in disbelieve. Freddie´s ignorance and pretend-innocence left a stale taste inside of his mouth, his lips a slim, angry line.  
“This! What´s this?”

The betrayal stung, felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice cold water over his head. 

“Brian…”, Freddie lowered his gaze, staring down at his hands, his adam´s apple bopping nervously, as he swallowed thickly. 

“That´s her jacket…That´s Mary´s jacket…”, Brian´s lips were shaking so hard that the words sounded strangely hollow. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, heaviness setting over his limbs as the realisation fully hit him. “Fuck…you even smell like her…her perfume…it´s on you”

His hands were shaking now, as he was clutching the jacket, his fingers digging into the delicate material.

“S-she was here…she was in your bed…”, Brian almost couldn´t recognize his own voice. 

She had been with Freddie. She had been in this room while Biran had been out with his friends. She had been in this bed. In his arms. He had invited her to come over while Brian had been out. He had arranged to see her and Brian would have never known. 

“Bri…Brian…I…”, Freddie´s stammered words were neither an answer to his question, nor an explanation that, in some miracle twist of fate, would have explained why Mary´s jacket had been dumped next to Freddie´s bed, as if she had quickly taken it off before sinking into his arms. 

A shiver was running down his spine, cold and harsh and his stomach turned again. Heaving for breath, heart beating so fast that it almost hurt, he felt wetness blurring his vision, panicking, trying to push down the tears. 

This was very much unlike him, Brian wasn´t someone to cry easily but he couldn´t really remembering being this upset in a long, long time.  
The more he thought about it, the heavier the weight of the realisation of it seemed to weigh on him. 

Mary had been here, in Freddie´s bed. 

“Darling…Brimi…Are you crying?”

Suddenly, Freddie´s worried face shifted back into Brian´s vision, his slim, slightly clammy hand resting on the guitarist´s arm, wanting to ground him, to get through to him, but Brian jerked away. 

“No…don´t…don´t touch me…”, he hissed, as if Freddie had inflicted physical pain upon him.

He was shaking now, angrily blinking against his tears. Deep down, he knew that he had no right to be so furious, so hurt, so irrational about this. But maybe it was what made it sting even more. The fact that there was no promise broken, not really. 

Oh, he was a fool. 

“Why was she here, Freddie?”, he demanded to know, finally letting go of the jacket, the fabric falling to the floor with a quiet rustle. 

“Because…she wanted to see me…”, the singer said, his voice oddly quiet, calm almost, and his eyes unable to even look at Brian properly anymore. 

“And why was she in your bed?”, his voice was shaking, breaking at the end of the sentence, a tear blurring his vision, clinging onto his lashes before falling down on his cheek, burning hotly. 

“Brian…please…”, Freddie pleaded, his voice so weak, his eyes so dark. 

“Why was she in your damn bed, Freddie?”, Brian rasped, pushing through the weakness in his voice and in his heart. 

Freddie sighed, his hand rubbing over his eyes, his cheek, hesitating to go on.  
“Because she…Brian, do I really have to say it?”, he finally managed to get out, looking up at Brian again with sad, brown eyes. 

“Fuck…”, the guitarist cursed, feeling more tears on his cheeks, angrily wiping them away, hating his voice for breaking and his nose for running, feeling like a miserable idiot.  
“I-I thought…you…I thought…s-she…”, he stuttered, his head bombarding him with images he could not keep from coming. 

Mary reclaiming the territory of Freddie´s room, his bed and finally the man himself, as if Brian had never existed, as if none of the things that had happened between him and the singer had even been real. 

“Brian, I´m sorry…”, Freddie whispered, his voice thick with emotions he was still holding in, barely, still pulling away from Brian once again. 

Brian knew that it should have been enough of an answer to him. But still, ever the scientist, searching for facts, clinging to reason, even though none of this was reasonable, he had to continue asking all the wrong kinds of questions. 

“So you´re still seeing her? She´s still your girlfriend?”

Freddie fidgeted, struggling to find an answer.  
“I-I don´t…I don´t know…it´s…”, he murmured, but Brian would have none of it.

“Is she still your girlfriend?”, he asked, his tone much more harsh this time. 

“Just because we´ve been seeing each other less these days doesn´t mean it´s over!”, Freddie replied and the guitarist could feel him slipping away even further, twisting and turning to get away from him, even though he was still sitting right next to Brian. 

“So she is still your girlfriend? Are you still sleeping with her?”, the guitarist asked and Freddie visible squirmed under his gaze, shaking his head, mouth slightly open but no sound coming out. 

“Ye-No! I don´t know, I…”, he finally stammered and Brian saw red, his heartbeat hammering in his temples. 

“Did you fuck her in this bed?”, he hissed at the singer, jaws tight, brows furrowed, all the happy and soft drunkenness gone from his system within the blink of a second.  
“Did you fuck her where we make love almost every damn night, Freddie?!”, he had gotten louder, surprised at how alien his own harsh voice sounded to his ears. 

“Brian, will you calm down for fuck´s sake!”, Freddie´s eyes were gleaming now as he was clinging to the appearance of being in control, but his shaking hands gave him away. 

Brian took hold of them, clung to them, holding them so tightly that it hurt, his gaze fixated on Freddie´s dark, fearful eyes. 

“I´m love with you…I´m in love with you and you bring her here and you fuck her…”, for all he knew, Brian could have been sobbing the words out, screaming, crying. His breath was hitching, his chest heaving, but then he felt Freddie´s thumb gently caressing his hand, causing Brian´s painful clutch on it to loosen slightly. 

“Bri…come on, look at me…”, his gaze finally found Brian´s again, “Listen, yeah? You listen to me, alright darling?”

His thumb was still caressing Brian´s hand, a movement so repetitive, that it almost felt like the singer trying to ground himself as well as the other man. 

“You´re not in love with me, Brimi…”, Freddie said, trying to sound matter-of-factly. The Persian was good at acting, Brian had always known that. But this time, his abilities failed him. There was a glimpse of pain and of guilt flashing over his features, before he was able to hide them once again behind an expression of pity. 

But Brian would not let the singer tell him how to feel.  
“Y-yes I am…I am in love with you, Fred.”, he stammered, once against squeezing Freddie´s hands. 

The Persian was shaking his head, jaws set tightly.  
“No! Brian…you´re not!”, he pressed on, his gaze suddenly so intense as if he wanted to hypnotize Brian, a dark desperation inside of it.  
“I know this…you and me…”, his hand quickly pointed from Brian´s chest to his, “…this is nice…The sex…”

Brian scoffed, shaking his head. 

“The sex…?! This is not about sex! It´s not about…”, the guitarist quickly stammered, but the singer would not let him finish. 

“It´s fun, it´s exciting…it´s really fucking amazing. But that´s it, Bri. That´s what we agreed on. Just fooling around, that´s what you said.”

Brian knew Freddie all too well to believe a single word of what he was saying. Even making it look like he himself believed that was he was saying was true seemed to be a struggle for the other man, his movements jumpy, his gaze unsteady, his hands jittery. 

The guitarist pulled away his hands from the Persian´s hold, not saying a word, speechless. 

“Remember Bri? You said that those were the terms on which you were agreeing to his! That we´re just having a little fun.”, Freddie tried to make sense of Brian´s silence and his own reasoning.  
The guitarist took a deep breath before speaking his next words. 

“You told me you love me…”

Freddie scoffed, hands raised, gesturing wildly while jumping into the next clever explanation.  
“Well, because you were shagging my fucking brains out. You know me, you know I keep saying these things when I´m enjoying myself.”

It hurt. It hurt so much that Brian had trouble breathing for a second, the pain making his chest feel tight. At this point, he couldn´t tell if the fact that he knew that Freddie was lying to himself was a comfort or making it much worse. 

Freddie blinked slowly at him, straightening his back as if he was getting ready to do a pose, to pretend, to play another one of the dozens and dozens of his roles, fabricated by lies, by self-hatred and guilt. 

“Brian…come on, darling…You´re not…Brimi, you didn´t…Did you really think, that…?”, he asked, a pitiful chuckle lingering at the end of the sentence, his eyebrows raised. 

“Fucking hell Freddie, stop this fucking farce for one fucking second!”, Brian snapped at him. 

“It´s not…a fucking farce…”, Freddie sounded breathless, his eyes shimmering wetly. 

Brian shook his head in disbelieve, face hot with the agitated flush that was spreading on his cheeks, frustration filling his heart.  
“Oh really? Why are you pretending then?”, he asked and the singer almost seemed angry at his words, fists clenching in his lap.

“I´m not! This is how I feel! This is the truth!”, he shouted in a hoarse voice, but the words sounded empty, weak almost as the singer spoke them. 

“Yeah right Fred, keep telling yourself that.”, Brian replied with a bitter smile. 

“Well it´s not my fault that you´ve fallen in love with me, Brian May!”, the singer snapped back at him, shoulders raised, the tilt of chin almost arrogant. But Brian knew that all of this was nothing but a cover-up, a play Freddie tried to keep up so desperately to push the guitarist away. 

The Persian could get very nasty when he felt like he had his back against the wall, Brian had learned that by now. 

“That´s not what this is about, Freddie…”, he said quietly, all harshness gone from his voice, his tone almost soft. “You know, if you don´t have any feelings for me that go beyond being friends…because I hope that´s what we still are despite everything, Freddie…friends…if that´s what you want, then I won´t speak of this…whatever this was…is…ever again…”

Brian took a slow, deep breath. All of his anger and frustrations seemed to slowly vanish, making room for all of those emotions he harboured deep inside of his heart for the other man. 

Because while it was hard seeing the singer with Mary and knowing that as long as they were still a couple, Freddie would never be fully his. But it was even harder seeing his friend, his lover, suffer like this, making up all those lies and in consequence also lying to himself, always hiding, always on the run from who he really was, from who he could be. 

“But I won´t watch you do this to yourself any longer, Fred! You´re living a lie!”, Brian added in a warm tone of voice. 

Anger was suddenly twisting Freddie´s features, a flush high on his cheeks.  
“How dare you! How dare you mock me and the life that I lead! You know nothing about me, Brian! Nothing!”, he spat at the guitarist, shaking with agitation. 

“It´s a life that´s making you unhappy, Freddie!”, Brian stated, wating to take hold of the Persian´s hand once again, but Freddie pulled them away, a bitter laugh escaping his lips, joyless and hollow, his gaze cold and mocking. 

“Right, and you can change that, can´t you Bri? You want me to be your boyfriend, split up with Mary? You want us to move in together, be a happy little couple, two fucking fairies in love? Go on nice little walks together, holding hands, only that people will call you a fucking faggot and a poofer and a queen and they´ll tell you how much they´d like to beat you up and sometimes Brimi, sometimes they´ll even do it…right in broad daylight…in the middle of the street they´ll just beat you until you´re laying on the ground and then they´ll kick you a few times as well just to make sure…Lovely, isn´t it?”

Freddie was heaving for breath, the words coming out in a violent stream of pain and fear, bitterness and loathing for the world around him. A world that must have inflicted a great deal of pain on him, as Brian understood, even though Freddie had never talked about the things that had happened to him in the past. 

And it broke Brian´s heart. 

“I wouldn´t let anyone hurt you, Freddie.”, he said slowly, looking into the singer´s eyes. 

“How very chivalrous of you, Brian. Trust me, you´ll get tired of always keeping those guys off my back. They take a real liking to me, always have…lots of work for my strong, brave boyfriend Brian…”, he snickered, nervously licking his lower lip, running a hand through his hair. 

When his gaze found Brian´s again, the bitter mockery was gone. There was just pain and sadness as he sat there, looking so small, so vulnerable.  
“You don´t want this, Bri. You don´t want a life in the shadows.”, he whispered, shaking head. 

“I want a life with you, Freddie. I want you…”, Brian replied, voice steady, gaze set on his lover. 

“No, you don´t, Brian! In a few years you´ll be grateful to me, darling! When you´ve found a lovely girl to settle down with, when you´ve put that ring on her finger and you´re making beautiful babies with her and you´re all giddy with joy.”, he spat back at Brian, the words spoken with such bitterness, such loneliness. 

“But I don´t want a lovely girl, Freddie!”, Brian´s voice was loud and clear, his gaze unwavering. 

The guitarist´s determination to make Freddie understand that he was serious about wanting him in his life seemed to upset the singer even more. 

The Persian´s voice was thick with emotion when he next spoke, as he was hastily blinking against the tears welling up in his dark eyes. He looked so young, so hurt and so very scared.  
“Yes, you do, Bri! You´re not even gay! You´re just confused…”

Brian shook his head and when he next tried to take the singer´s hand in his, the other man let him, too shaky and too busy wiping the tears from his eyes to pull away his hand from his lover. Once again, Brian saw that this was what Freddie needed, a hand to hold when he was stroppy and cruel, a tender touch when he shied away, when he lashed out at everyone, pushing him away while craving Brian´s love all the more. 

“You don´t get to decide these things, Freddie! It´s not your place to tell me what I am and what I´m not…or to decide for me…what I want…what I´m supposed to want in life…”, Brian said slowly, watching Freddie open his mouth and then close it again, the singer´s fight to interrupt his flow of words slowly dying down as Brian continued to talk.

“You know what, maybe I am confused. Maybe I am absolutely clueless as to why I´ve suddenly developed a crush on one of my best friends after I´ve had a threesome with him and his girlfriend. Maybe I don´t know why I suddenly started developing feelings for him after we started sleeping with each other. Maybe I should have seen it coming…because I´ve always found you beautiful and sweet and kind and talented and so…so very lovable…but I never allowed my thoughts to go that way…I just pushed it all away…”, Brian´s thumb pressed against the palm of Freddie´s hand, which was slightly sweaty against his skin. The guitarist felt clumsy with his words and his touch, struggling to make the other man understand what he himself was just coming to terms with. 

“Freddie…I love you…I´ve loved you before, as my mate…and I love you now…as a friend and as a lover. I trust you and I care for you and I want you to be happy…and if happiness for you doesn´t involve me then that´s fine…”, the guitarist finished, slightly out of breath, chest hurting from clinging onto his last breath for so long, forming all of those words. 

And when his wide-eyed gaze focussed on his lover´s face, he noticed the sudden wobble in Freddie´s lower lip and the fact that his eyes were suddenly closed, tears falling from them and running down his cheeks, heavy and silent, no sobs coming out. They were lonely tears, tears of deep sadness and of pain felt so very harshly in earlier years. 

“Fred…what´s the matter?”, Brian asked softly, inching a little closer, a hand on the singer´s slim upper arm, Freddie´s delicate fingers in his other hand, comfortingly squeezing them. 

Shyly, Freddie dared to look up at him, his dark eyes full of a haunting melancholy that made Brian´s heart ache for the other man. 

“Fuck…Brian…I´m sorry…I…”, he whispered, warm tears collecting at his chin, dripping down onto his knees. 

“No one´s ever chosen me before…none of them…you´re the first one…They all wanted me to be their dirty little secret…they all just wanted sex…”, the singer said, the words so very quiet, so full of shame and fear, as if he was scared that Brian had pulled a cruel joke on him. 

Gently Brian reached over to him, his thumb brushing away the tears, cradling Freddie´s cheek in his hand and the singer leaned into it like a man dying to feel that all of this was real. 

“Freddie…you deserve so much better than that.”, Brian whispered, trying to look his lover in the eyes, but Freddie wouldn´t meet his gaze, teeth gnawing at his lover lip, working it raw and bloodied. 

“But I don´t deserve you, Brian. I don´t deserve someone who´s so sweet and clever and caring and…I don´t deserve your love, Bri…”, he murmured, trying to lean away from the guitarist´s touch. 

“Freddie…there is nothing good or beautiful or lovely in this world that you do not deserve. You deserve all the love and care and laughter and luck and happiness there is. You deserve to be loved and cherished and adored…”, Brian said, now so close that his knees were touching those of the other man, leaning in so that he could feel Freddie small huffed breaths on his cheeks, trying to make him understand. 

“But I´m dirty, Brian…If only you knew about the things I´ve done…when I was younger…”, the Persian whispered, his dark eyes haunted by memories, lashes shimmering wetly with tears as he looked up at Brian. 

“You´re not dirty, Freddie. You´re beautiful and talented, you´re generous and kind, you´re creative and wild and you feel everything so deeply…and I love it…all of it, Freddie. Every part of you…”, the guitarist said, now cradling the singer´s face in his hands. 

Freddie´s fingers clung to Brian´s wrists, staring up at him in disbelieve. 

“Brian, darling…”, he said, breaths shuddering as Brian stroked his cheeks. 

“I just want you to stop hating yourself for who you are…and lying to yourself…hurting yourself because you think you deserve it…”, the guitarist said, laying all his warmth into his voice and his gaze to finally make the other man understand what his intentions were and what they would always be. 

Once again, a shimmer of resistance crossed the singer´s face, a flicker of bitterness. 

“You won´t be able to fix me, Brian. That´s not how this works.”, he said sternly, lashes fluttering when he lowered his gaze. 

“I know I can´t, Freddie. You have to do that on your own…”, Brian replied and the singer looked back up at him. 

“I can´t push Mary away.”, Freddie whispered, something pleading and vulnerable flashing inside of his dark eyes. 

“You don´t have to push her away. Just tell her the truth. Be honest with her.”, Brian said but the Persian shook his head, slowly pulling Brian´s hands off of his face, letting go of them. 

“I can´t hurt her like that…”

“Freddie, she loves you. She will understand.”, Brian said, but the singer just shivered, looking up at Brian, conflicted and haunted by the past, scared of the future, clinging to the present while resenting it at the same time. 

Brian knew that there was nothing more to be said tonight. Freddie´s cruelty and harsh words had stung, but those were not what told him that now was the time to go.

There were things that Freddie had to do, had to work through on his own, things he had to figure out by himself. And Brian knew that to do this, the other man needed space. Space to grow, space to think and space to act. And he would give it to him. 

“Fred, listen to me. I want to be there for you…but I can´t do it if you´re not being honest with yourself. This is something you have to figure out by yourself.”, he said softly, taking a hold of one of Freddie´s hand again and pressing a tender kiss to the inside of his wrist. 

“I know…”, the singer whispered, his pulses nervously fluttering under Brian´s lips. 

Freddie´s eyes grew wide with surprise when Brian gently let go of his hand and the guitarist got up from the bed.

“W-where are you going?”, he stammered, his voice unsteady with the sudden fear of being left alone. 

“Get in touch when you´ve talked to Mary, Freddie. I´m going to go home now.”, Brian said firmly, although there was no edge to his voice. 

“Brian…Brian, I…”, Freddie stammered, getting up from the bed as well, almost stumbling, his legs seemingly unsteady. 

His hands reached for Brian and it took all of the guitarist´s willpower to not simply take his hands and pull him close, to tell him that he would always be there, no matter what, that it didn´t matter that he was still with Mary, that they didn´t need any harsh truths to be uncovered to know this was real, that they loved each other. 

But it did matter and Brian knew that for him, there was no other way to go about this.

“Freddie, listen…I want you to understand that I´m not mad at you. I´m not, okay? But you have to set the record straight. You have to tell Mary the truth and figure out what it is that you want. I´m your friend, no matter what happens.”, he said, gaze meeting the singer´s. 

Freddie looked terrified, eyes huge and full of fear, tears welling up once again. 

“I can´t lose you…Brian…please…please don´t...don´t go...”, he whispered, once against reaching for the guitarist, but Brian managed to take a step back, a step away from his lover, even though a sharp sting hit his heart like lightning. 

“You´re not losing me, Fred. You´re not…But you need to do this.”, Brian replied, his voice a whisper but his will strong. 

They stared at one another for another long and painful moment, heartbeats measuring each passing second. 

“Okay…”, Freddie finally rasped with a small, timid nod. 

“Alright.”, Brian said, not really knowing how to go about leaving after being bold enough to even initiate it. 

The decision was taken from him, as the singer rushed forward, pulling Brian into a last, tight hug, which the guitarist reciprocated with equal desperation. 

He allowed himself a last moment of weakness, inhaling the scent of Freddie´s hair, pressing the pads of his fingers against the back of the singer´s neck, feeling the peach fuzz of his hairline, running his hand through the Persian´s thick, wavy hair. 

Slowly, very slowly, Freddie allowed him to let go when Brian pulled away, until the guitarist took another step back. 

“Goodnight Freddie…”, Brian said softly, slowly walking over to the door, risking another look over his shoulder to see his lover standing there, reddened eyes, tear-stained cheeks, looking so small, so lost. 

“Goodnight Brimi…”, Freddie replied and the nickname, however often his lover had used it before, was once again causing the guitarist to halt for a second, making his heart beat faster.

They shared one last gaze, before Brian managed to finally pull away, taking a deep breath to open the door, quick strides, leaving Freddie´s room, the flat, the house and the street behind him within a few blurry minutes. 

There were no more buses running at this hour, so Brian had to walk, the night air warm, the city still awake as he tried to process what had just happened. 

Once in his flat, the quiet of his room seemed deafening and his fingers felt numb when he stripped and crawled under the covers. 

He couldn´t cry, couldn´t even feel anything, as sleep slowly took over. He dreamed of nothing, exhausted from the day and the night, the rollercoaster of emotions he had gone through.

All he noticed was the smell of the daisies and dandelions Freddie had given him, still in their blue-mug-vase, standing right next to him on his nightstand, vibrant and beautifully yellow and white in the pale morning light.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings,  
> I am finally back with another chapter of this little story. Sorry for making you wait so long, work just keeps getting in the way.   
> Now, I really hope that you enjoy this one. I had so much fun writing it and bringing this story to a close. (kind of)  
> There will be one last chapter after this one, just something sweet and small and I´ll upload it soon. 
> 
> As always, I hope that you are all doing well! Enjoy!

Nervously, Brian watched Roger take a bite of his sandwich. The drummer seemed to be quite aware of Brian watching him, but that didn´t seem to speed up the process of him tucking into his standard cheese and pickle sandwich Brian had just made him five minutes ago. 

It had been one of Roger´s ambushes again, the drummer suddenly showing up at his doorstep and Brian had been friends with the Blonde for long enough to sense that Roger had come with a plan.   
He knew that something was up. 

But it wasn´t like Roger to start the conversation right away. No, he´d rather tell Brian a quick and very unconvincing story about how he was starving and just happened to be in the area, just like the first time when he had been over after the party, the night where it had all started for Brian and Freddie. 

It all seemed so very far away from now, ages ago, even though it had all happened a mere two months ago. 

It was astounding, Brian thought, how two months could pass so quickly and how three days could feel like a small eternity.   
Three days he hadn´t heard a single thing from Freddie.

Three long, dreadful days of trying to go on, of trying to pretend that he wasn´t confused and scared and in a constant state of unrest, his mind going on and on in circles.   
Brian had tried to distract himself. 

Now that his exams were over, he had even made a start on research for his dissertation. Although he had noticed that spending hours on hours in the stuffy library on a sunny day actually felt quite miserable, knowing that later on he would not be spending the night in Freddie´s cosy cluttered room, a record playing while they made love, sometimes tender and sweet, sometimes intense and passionate, and Brian´s headache from studying melted away into content and satisfied happiness. 

He had even met up with his friends from uni again just the other night, but Hannah had noticed that something was wrong with him right from the start and the night had ended with the both of them sitting on the curb stone outside of the pub, nursing a beer, Brian´s head leaned against her shoulder, her arm around him while she coaxed him to tell her what had happened. 

And even though it had felt good to finally tell someone about it, it had made him miss the singer even more. 

In the end, when he had been back at home, alone in his bed, it had felt like the worst heartbreak he had ever gone through. And it still did. Because it was. 

Brian noticed that Roger had been looking at him while he had zoned out, eyes glazes with memories and he quickly tried to hide it. 

“Rog, if this is about missing rehearsals yesterday, I´m really sorry, I…”, the guitarist stammered, guilt making him blush slightly. It was true, he had skipped their biweekly band rehearsals on the night before and had felt horrible for doing so. 

The thought of seeing Freddie, of having to pretend that everything was fine and dandy in front of their friends had simply been too much for Brian. Even though he hated the thought of having let his bandmates down.

“Band practice…em no, it´s not about that…”, Roger said, still chewing, shallowing slowly. “Although…it was pretty boring just sitting around with Deaks, waiting for you and Freddie to grace us with your presence only to be disappointed in the end…Actually, you´re both wankers for not showing up!”, he put down the sandwich and licked some mustard off his thumb. 

“I think Deaky was pretty bummed out too, he skipped a date with Veronica for rehearsals…”

“Freddie wasn´t there?”, Brian asked, brows raised in surprise. 

Roger rolled his eyes at him, as if the answer to the guitarist´s question couldn´t be more obvious.  
“Bri, of course he wasn´t there!”, he replied, picking up his sandwich again and finishing it in two large bites. 

“Well…I hope he didn´t get ill or something!”, Brian said hastily, trying his hardest to sound convincing and feeling like he was failing tremendously at hiding his previous reaction. “You know, it´s awfully easy to catch a cold, even in the summer months, days are so warm and at night it gets all chilly, he´s probably been out without a jacket again…”, he rambled on, the words tumbling from his mouth. 

“Brian mate, you really think I´m just a clueless idiot, don´t you?”, Roger said plainly around his mouth-full of sandwich. 

Brian furrowed his brows and suddenly really did feel like the world´s worst actor.   
“N-no! Of course not, Roger! Why would you say that?”

Roger swallowed down the last bite and then raised his brows at Brian, looking almost disappointed.   
“Because I know what´s going on between you and Fred! I´ve known for ages! That´s what I wanted to talk to you about!”

Brian wished for a pit to open up in the ground and shallow him whole. His head was screaming at him to come up with an excuse, to deny it all, to pretend that he really did not know what his friend was talking about. 

“Oh god…”, was all he managed to murmur, running a hand over his tired eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. He was fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. Roger knew. They hadn´t been careful enough. 

“Yeah….”, the drummer said with a little sigh. 

“Rog, I´m sorry…we really tried to be discreet, but…”, Brian struggled to explain, to find the right words, but the drummer´s brows only rose up his forehead a little higher, almost as if he couldn´t believe Brian´s words. 

“Discreet?! Are you joking? What´s that even supposed to mean! You guys were as fucking obvious as two idiots in love can be! Fred either looked at you like you were his sun and his moon or like he wanted to jump your skinny bones this instant, it was…gross…Really!”

Brian noticed a sinking feeling rise in his stomach, a sudden tightness in his chest. He really should have known that it wasn´t a given thing for his friends to be supportive, homosexuality was far from accepted and he knew many people, young and old, that still frowned upon it and wanted nothing to do with it.   
He just wouldn´t have taken Roger to be one of them. 

“I´m sorry…I´m sorry if it´s gross to you. I know it´s offensive to some, I know it´s not universally accepted…”, he stammered but the nervous flow of words from his lips stopped when he watched the drummer frown at him. 

“No, I didn´t mean it like that! Bri, come on! I didn´t mean it´s gross because you two are blokes, I couldn´t care less about that!”, he explained and Brian felt a weight being lifted from his shoulders.  
An annoyed little smile started to play on Roger´s lips.

“It´s gross because you two wankers are so in love…like…grossly in love…like in those movies Eileen makes me watch and I pretend to be bored by even though I find them quite entertaining…”, he added with a grin.

“You´re not…? You don´t mind?”, Brian asked, just to make sure that he had gotten it right. 

“I´m not one those homophobic idiots that keep preaching about how it´s a sin and all that utter crap. It´s just how things are for some people, it´s fine.”, the drummer smiled at him, reassuringly and sweetly and at that moment, Brian was very, very happy to call Roger Taylor his friend. 

“Rog, that´s great! Th-thank you…so much!”, he rambled, trying to make his friend understand how much his acceptance and support meant to him, feeling like there really were no words to express it properly. 

“Did you really think I would…?”, Roger asked, almost sounding surprised, a little shocked even. 

Brian lowered his gaze, staring down at his hands on the kitchen table, feeling quite sorry for having miscalculated his friend´s reaction to revealing the true nature of the relationship between Freddie and him so grossly. 

“I-I don´t know…I…thought maybe you´d walk away from us…turn your back on Freddie and me if you´d know…”, he stammered, but the tone of Roger´s voice made him gaze back up at his friend. 

“Mate…I would never do that! Never! Oh god, Bri…”, the drummer seemed quite taken aback, shaken even, although quickly, a reassuring smile appeared on his features. 

“I´m…so relieved, Rog…”, Brian muttered, smiling as well. 

Roger grinned at him, before he quirked up a brow, his expression changing from reassuring and sweet to stone-cold within a second.   
“Yeah? And I´m really angry with you!”

To Brian, it felt like his heart was missing a beat.  
“What? Why?”, he stammered, his mind already going through the hundreds and hundreds of reasons why his friend could be cross with him. 

“Because you didn´t tell me about it! I´m your best mate! I should know about stuff like that!”, Roger answered, still looking quite serious and pretending to frown even more, as a relieved sigh left Brian´s mouth, the tension in his shoulders vanishing. 

The drummer was shaking his head at him.

“I even offered you a perfect way to tell me about it when I asked you about your quote unquote girlfriend. And all you did was come up with a description of a girl that´s literally a female version of Fred. Really Bri?”, he said with a deep sigh. 

“You already knew back then?! But how?”, Brian asked, feeling himself blushing once more. 

In the light of Roger´s new revelations, he felt quite silly for actually believing that neither Roger nor John knew about what was going on between Freddie and him. In hindsight, he did notice that they probably had not been as subtle as they had believed to have been. 

“I know I wasn´t around the flat much in those last few weeks since I´ve spent so much time at Eileen´s…but I kept noticing things. I mean I did reckon that something had happened at that party back in April…that something was going on between you and Fred and Mary.”, Roger explained, leaning back slightly in his chair, gaze resting on Brian.

“I knew that Freddie and Mary weren´t happy, he´d told me so himself…months and months ago…kinda thought that maybe you´ve kissed her or made a move on her and he was angry at you or something like that.”, he shrugged and Brian barely supressed a shiver thinking back on that fateful night, the utter confusion of it all, the total mess it had left him in. 

Roger´s next words rose him from the uncomfortable memory. 

“I mean, you guys were pretty weird around each other but then it stopped and I thought that you two had sorted it out. You were spending so much time together, you always came round to ours after rehearsals.”

Roger was now frowning at him, almost making him feel a little guilty.

“I really thought you guys were working on new songs and outfits and stuff like that…”

“We were…sometimes!”, Brian murmured, his cheeks feeling hot, failing to look his friend in the eyes once again. To his surprise, the drummer seemed much less uncomfortable with talking about it than him, which soothed Brian´s nerves and helped a lot with his constant state of anxiety around the topic. 

“Fred suddenly was so different…Changed really.”, the drummer pondered and Brian listened up, even sitting up a little straighter. 

“How so?”, he asked, voice soft and careful. 

“Happier…Less stroppy and snappy. Just subtle things really. I think something about you inspires him to pour his energy into working on music and art…rather than making himself miserable.”

Brian felt his heart beating much faster at Roger´s words. It was what he had hoped for, longed for really. Because even though he knew that Freddie channelled his creative energy from a lot of sources, some of them being pain and past hardships, he knew that there was a side of the singer´s need to create and to achieve that was quite self-destructive.   
Many a time the guitarist had hoped to show his lover, that creativity could also come from a lighter place inside the heart, a source of happiness and joy. 

But who was he to talk? Brian rarely spoke about it with anyone, but it could get quite dark and lonely inside of his own mind sometimes. And just like he knew about Freddie´s harmful tendencies towards himself, he was sure that the singer knew about the guitarist´s own struggles.

Brian noticed the drummer´s gaze lingering on him, worry making his brows furrow. Brian reckoned that he had had that glazed look in his eyes again, his thoughts drifting off to a place far, far away.   
He gave his friend a weak smile and a little nod and Roger continued to speak. 

“In the end, I kinda put two and two together. You were staying over at our place so much or he went home with you…It was just a feeling really. You guys were giving each other these glances and smiles when you thought no one could see.”

Brian couldn´t help but for the little chuckle that escaped him. God, they really had been careless and so very obvious to how they were behaving around each other. 

“And then I basically walked in on you guys shagging a few weeks ago!”, Roger continues, making Brian flush crimson with embarrassment. 

“We did get dressed as soon as we heard you in the hallway!”, the guitarist insisted but Roger simply rolled his eyes at him and shook his head, even though he was grinning. 

“Yeah, but you were both flushed and sweaty like you´ve just run a fucking marathon. Also you had that shit-eating grin on your face and Fred was walking really funny it was…”, he cleared his throat, squeezing his eyes shut, shaking his head once again, “Ah gosh, just don´t make me relieve this ever again…”

“I promise…I´m…so so sorry…really…I´m…”, Brian apologized, struggling to fight the urge to simply hide his flushed face in his hands to escape Roger´s judging gaze. 

But the drummer suddenly grinned at him, comfortingly patting his shoulder with his hand, giving it a little squeeze, his eyes kind and blue, a little twinkle to them.   
“Bri, I´m just pulling your leg, okay? It was actually quite funny seeing you guys trying to be hide it when it was simply obvious as hell. Don´t be embarrassed about it, okay?”

Brian nodded, still red as a tomato, still feeling like a prize idiot, although his friend´s reassuring smile helped to make him feel a little better. 

Roger cleared his throat, suddenly looking a little more sombre again.

“So…about what happened on Friday night…”, he started and Brian´s need to apologize for anything and everything started to pipe up once again. 

“Fuck…I´m sorry, Rog…I shouldn´t have just barged into your flat like that. That was so rude, I´m so sorry!”, he murmured, cringing at the thought of drunkenly demanding entrance at one in the morning. 

“It wasn´t so much the barging in…was much worse having to listen to my best friends have a shouting-match at two in the morning.”, Roger said with a sad look in his eyes, true compassion shining through his every word. 

“I´m sorry, Rog. I´m sorry you had to hear that…”, Brian sighed, defeatedly lowering his gaze. 

“You really love him, don´t you?”, Roger asked, voice soft and understanding, gaze fixed on Brian. 

“Yeah…”, the guitarist murmured and even though the first few seconds of admitting it were terrifying, soon a feeling of relief and liberation washed over him. Admitting to it was also admitting to a part of himself that he had rarely spoken to anyone about, a part that Brian himself had just come to discover mere weeks ago. 

“Well you must love him, since you put up with all of his annoying quirks.”, Roger said with a little chuckle and his smile was contagious, even though Brian´s emotions were still in such a state of constant ups and downs that he couldn´t muster up more than a wobbly raise of the corners of his mouth. 

“He´ll talk to Mary, Bri.”, Roger said, voice reassuring and warm and Brian wanted to believe him, he really wanted to so much. 

And even though he fought hard against the dark thoughts and fears that sometimes took over his heart and mind, he couldn´t help but get tired of the battle, slowly falling, sinking. 

“How do you know? What if he´ll never…what if he just…decides that he wants to go on like this?”, the guitarist asked, throat closing tightly around the words, his voice sounding strained and hoarse.   
“Would you be okay with that? Being his…affair?”, Roger asked. 

“No…no, I think I couldn´t…besides…it would kill me…knowing that he´s still doing this to himself, living a lie.”, Brian said, his voice sounding muffled to him, almost like he was under water, fighting against the thoughts, heavy and dark with fear of what would happen, should Freddie decide to end things between them and worse even, continue to live a lie, pretending to be someone he wasn´t, in turn making himself and Mary very unhappy. 

“You´re way too good-hearted and kind for this world, Bri.”, Roger sighed with a defeated little smile. 

“Rog…I know I shouldn´t be asking, but…How is he?”, Brian stammered, the question having been nagging at the edge of his mind since Roger had set foot into his flat.   
Roger gave him a sad little look of compassion and Brian felt his heart sinking. 

“I haven´t seen him in two days…maybe he´s over at his parents, maybe he´s with Mary…I don´t know, Bri, I´m sorry.”

The guitarist took in a shuddering breath, worry making it hard for him to breathe, guilt starting to wash over him. 

What if he had pushed Freddie too far? What if his demands for him to talk to Mary and to finally set the record straight had been too harsh? What if the singer was alone, in fear, scared and without anyone to turn to?

“Oh god…I just hope he´s save…I hope he´s alright…”, Brian stammered, throat tight with fear but Roger´s reassuring gaze calmly setting on him managed to ground him at least a tiny bit. 

“Bri, listen, okay? I get that you´re worried…but he´s a grown man. He´ll be fine. And he´ll manage.”, the drummer said slowly, carefully. 

“Yes…”, Brian breathed, the word barely a whisper. 

“Bri…stay with me, yeah mate?”, Roger said softly, as he noticed the shift in the guitarist´s demeanour. “I just wanted to make sure that you´re okay. I didn´t eavesdrop on you guys, but from what I was able to hear from my room, it was a pretty nasty fight. And I know how Fred can get when he feels all cornered and his alarm bells start ringing…He can be such a nasty bugger…”

Brian shallowed thickly, fighting to not be overcome by his emotions, being very touched by his friend´s kindness, by how much Roger cared for him, how well he knew Brian to notice the tell-tale signs of him pulling away. 

“He has every right to tell me if he doesn´t want a relationship. I mean…maybe it was a daft idea to ask him about it in the first place. Two blokes…being a couple…Maybe he´s right….it could never work. What would people say if they found out? What about Queen?”, the guitarist said, trying to sound reasonable, although his voice was croaky with holding back tears.

Roger sighed softly, a gentle smile appearing on his lips as he looked at Brian.   
“The thing is, Bri. The both of you are…how do I put this…”, he put in a dramatic pause, just for good measure, “…idiots…”

“Rog…”, Brian murmured, almost feeling a little hurt by the sudden harshness of his friend´s words. 

“Come on! Who in their right mind starts shagging their best mate and expects things to run smoothly and not absolutely pear-shaped in a short amount of time?! Fred´s had a massive crush on you since forever!”, the drummer sighed, shaking his head in disbelieve.

“Did he tell you that?”, Brian asked, brows raised with surprise and the Blonde grinned at him. 

“He didn´t have to tell me! You should see the way he looks at you when you´re playing your guitar. He adores you, always has. You guys just…I don´t know, you´ve got this connection. He´s writing songs for you and you play them like you´ve written them yourself, it´s like telepathy.”

Brian couldn´t help but for the pitiful little sniffle that came out when Roger had finished, his eyes burning wetly, as he quickly wiped away the tears that were pricking up at the corners of them.   
“Bri, he wants you and he loves you!”, Roger said, holding the guitarist´s gaze.

“Thanks Rog…I mean it. Thanks for checking up on me and for…you know, being such a great friend.”, Brian half sniffled, half chuckled, a wobbly smile on his lips. 

“Of course, mate.”, Roger said, giving his arm another squeeze, before grinning at him, “Come on, you wanna go for a beer and some chips?”

“Are you still hungry after that sandwich?”, Brian laughed, hand wiping over his eyes once more. 

“I´m always hungry! I´m a growing boy!”, Roger said, almost sounding offended at his friend´s question, already getting up from the kitchen table. 

“Rog, you´re 22!”, Brian chuckled. 

“As I said! Now come on!”, Roger grinned with a nod over to the door. 

And even though the sadness and the confusion, all of those questions on how the future would be and his worry for Freddie remained, Brian was very glad to have Roger by his side, who seemed to be determined to get him out of his funk or at least out of the house. 

It was a day after Roger´s visit that Brian was woken up by a knock on his door late at night. Confused and still very sleepy, he raised his head from its resting place on the headboard of the bed and groaned in pain. His neck felt very stiff.

His gaze travelled over the array of library books and his notepad, still sitting next to him on the duvet, his fountain pen having bled onto the paper and also a tiny bit onto his sheets, which made Brian curse softly under his breath. 

He must have fallen asleep while doing some more research for his dissertation. Hours must have passed since he had returned from the library, leather satchel bag full of books and had sat down on his bed to do some work. He must have simply nodded off after a while, which wasn´t a surprise, since he wasn´t getting much sleep at night, caught up in his spiralling thoughts.

The sky outside of his windows was coloured in a deep, dark blue and the air that was coming in through the half open window had a nocturnal chill to it. He could hear the faint sound of rain, calming and soft and Brian had almost lied down properly to drift off to sleep again. 

But there was another knock on his door. Brian heard the shuffling of steps in front of it.

“Sorry mate, maybe he´s asleep.”, he heard Harry´s muffled voice. His flatmate sounded very tired and slightly annoyed. 

“Please…c-can you check?”, another voice asked and Brian was suddenly wide awake. He would have recognised that voice amongst a thousand others. Suddenly, his heart was beating much faster.   
He saw the doorknob turn and then Harry stuck in his head, eyes wide with surprise when he saw that Brian was actually awake. 

“Sorry if I woke you up, mate.”, Harry muttered, seemingly slightly embarrassed. “This bloke came knocking on our door like a madman, you know the guy who used to come round all the time, Freddie or something…”, he tried to explain, but was quickly pushed aside by the man himself. 

“Freddie…you´re soaked…”, Brian gasped as he saw the state the singer was in. Freddie´s clothes clung to his skinny frame with how wet they were and his hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks was just as soaked. It looked like the singer had walked out in the rain for a while. 

“B-Brian…can we talk, p-please?”, the Persian managed to get out between his chattering teeth and Brian quickly got up from the bed. There was a desperate determination inside the singer´s dark eyes. 

Harry gave Brian a nod and then shuffled away in his slippers, slightly awkward.

“Thanks mate! Goodnight!”, Brian called after him and heard his flatmate murmuring “S´alright. Night Bri.”

Freddie was still standing on the threshold to Brian´s room, dark shadows under his eyes, shaking slightly with how cold he was, arms slung around his narrow frame, to preserve the little warmth he could provide himself by doing so. 

“Freddie, come on in…come on…”, Brian said, tenderly placing a hand on Freddie´s shoulder to pull him into the room, closing the door behind him. 

The guitarist simply couldn´t help it. Seeing his lover like this, so vulnerable and in need of his help, looking so small and nervous, brought out his protective side. Everything inside of him screamed for him to bundle Freddie up in a blanket and take him to bed, to make him tea and hold him until he was warm again, simply forgetting about anything bad that had happened between them. 

“Let´s get you out of those wet clothes, let me find a towel for you…”, he murmured, going over to his wardrobe, fetching a spare towel for the singer, who hastily dried off his hair with it, nervously watching Brian search for something for him to wear that would keep him warm.

“You really don´t have to…my clothes aren´t that wet…”, the singer stammered, ”Bri, I really need to talk to you about something…”

Brian turned around, holding a pair of flannel pyjama pants and a plain white t-shirt in his hands.

“Get those wet clothes off and put these on first. And then we´ll talk.”, he said and was surprised at how calm but also firm his voice sounded to his own ears. 

It seemed to work. Freddie, scattered and slightly frantic, took the clothes Brian handed him and dumped them on the bed, where he began to undress, unashamed as always of his nakedness when he hastily ran the towel over his naked torso to dry off before he put on Brian´s clothes. 

Brian could barely supress the urge of sitting down on the bed, pulling the naked Freddie closer by the hips to gently, tenderly run the towel over his wet skin and afterwards helping him put on the dry clothes.

Instead, he simply stood there, slightly uncomfortable at watching Freddie struggle with taking off his wet jeans. 

“I´ll make some tea…”, Brian murmured, but his words made a sudden look of panic bloom on the singer´s face and he shook his head, stumbling over to Brian, his jeans halfway down his thighs. 

“No, wait…no tea, please…”, the singer stammered, suddenly clinging onto Brian´s arm with cold fingers, his eyes full of panicked haste. 

Brian gave a soft little sigh and gently place his hands onto his lover´s slim shoulders. Whatever it was that his friend needed to tell him so urgently, it had to wait until he had calmed down a little and was in dry clothes again. 

“Freddie…come on, have a seat, yeah?”, the guitarist said softly, steering Freddie over to the bed, where he gently pushed him down, so the singer sat down onto the duvet.   
Brian kneeled down in front of him and started pulling down the stiff and wet material of the other man´s jeans with steady hands. 

“What did you do with those jeans, baby?…Look at this mess, the legs are all tangled…”, he murmured in a soft, warm sing-song tone, that he didn´t even notice using but that seemed to calm the singer down immediately. 

“Don´t know…”, Freddie muttered, blushing slightly as he clumsily raised his hips when Brian´s warm, gentle finger hooked under the waistband of his briefs and he wiggles out of them until Brian could pull them down his thighs and over his feet. 

“There we go, much better…”, Brian said softly, handing Freddie the dry pair of underwear and pyjama pants, which the singer put on as quickly as he could, almost stumbling while trying to manoeuvre in his legs, holding onto Brian´s shoulder when standing up. 

Technically, he should still be angry at the singer, Brian thought. But it was oh so easy for them to fall back into their little habits of domesticity, sharing clothes, helping each other get undressed and dressed again, caring for each other, the small rituals of love they had come to perform over the last weeks. 

Brian took the t-shirt he had laid out for Freddie in hand.

“Arms up…”, he said softly, while pulling it over the singer´s messy head of black hair and then helping him get his arms into the sleeves. “That´s it…there we go.” 

“Thank you…”, Freddie said, his voice so quiet, his gaze so shy. 

“You´re welcome, Fred…”, Brian replied gently and sat down next to the other man on the bed, staring down at the heap of the Persian´s wet clothes on the floor, thinking about hanging them up on the drying rag in the bathroom to dry them properly and keep them from getting all wrinkled. 

He was about to get up again, when he suddenly felt the singer´s intense gaze on him, almost pinning him in place. 

“When she came over that night…I wanted to tell her…I wanted to tell her that I´m gay…and that there´s someone I´ve fallen in love with…that´s why I had asked her to come over…”, Freddie started stammering and even though the singer provided no context to his words, Brian immediately understood what he was talking about.

He needed no explanation to know that Freddie was trying to tell him what had really happened on that night, before he had come back to the flat, happy and drunk and so in love, only to find Mary´s jacket next to the bed, assuming that she had taken it off before falling into the singer´s arms. 

“I wanted to tell her that it´s you…”, Freddie added, his voice more quiet but the words clear. Brian saw the singer shoulders shaking with nerves, shivers running over his slim frame.   
He had never seen his lover in such a state before, so raw, so vulnerable and on edge in such a way that seemed to shake him down to his very core.

“No more lies…no more hiding…I wanted to come clean…”, the singer continued, although the next words made a look of intense emotional pain flash over his features, as Brian watched Freddie blink away the tears welling up in his eyes.

“But I couldn´t…I was too fucking weak… I…I think she already knew that something was wrong…She´s known for a long t-time…”, Freddie chocked out between the sobs he was fighting to keep inside.   
Brian couldn´t help it any longer. His hand grabbed the Persian´s, giving it a soft squeeze. 

“Freddie…”, he said gently, as he saw his lover´s visible distress. To hell with being angry, to hell with demanding for the singer to finally talk to Mary, to finally be honest about everything. Freddie needed him right now, needed his comfort, his love and Brian simply could not deny it from him. 

“S-she just started crying and I took her into my arms and held her…We were just laying on the bed, nothing more…We haven´t done anything in weeks, Bri, I could never…”, Freddie croaked, fingers clinging onto Brian´s wrist. “We didn´t…I was just holding her…I don´t know why I didn´t tell you that night, I don´t know why I was being such an arsehole to you, I…got scared and…”

The singer´s words died down with a small hiccupped sob and Brian felt like his heart was breaking. 

“It was like a goodbye…even though I didn´t say anything… I think she already knew…Fuck…Brian, I´m sorry, I know I should have told her earlier…”, Freddie said, gaze finding Brian´s, eyes full of regret, full of pain and guilt. 

“Oh Freddie…”, the guitarist sighed softly, now taking both of his lover´s hands in his. 

“I finally talked to her just a few hours ago. I couldn´t…lie to her any longer…”, Freddie said, breath hitching, blinking rapidly against the tears. 

“W-what did you tell her?”, Brian asked, feeling like his heart had skipped a beat before continuing to hammer away in his chest even faster. 

“Everything.”, the singer said, the simple word heavy with meaning.

“Everything?”, Brian´s voice was barely louder than the draw of a deep breath, small and timid, his mind struggling to catch up with what his lover was saying. Was it really true? Had Freddie really worked up the courage to finally tell his girlfriend about it all?

“Yes…I told her that I´m…gay…”, Freddie continued, a tiny pause marking the end of the sentence, the last word spoken in defeat, the newness of it still painful to him. 

“How did she take it?”, the guitarist asked, giving his lover´s delicate hands another reassuring squeeze. 

Freddie bit his lip, reluctant to continue. Brian could see how very hard it was for the other man to tell him about it, to even recall the details of the conversation he had had with Mary.   
Freddie had made a sacrifice for him, one that had hurt him deeply. 

“She said she knew…Said that she´d suspected for a while.”, the Persian murmured, but then his gaze found Brian´s again, his eyes dark and intense, long, dark lashes shimmering wetly with tears. 

“I also told her about us.”, Freddie whispered and Brian drew in a shuddering breath. 

“What did she say?”, Brian asked, aching to hear the answer to his question and fearing it at the same time. 

“She was very angry…said she felt betrayed…a few other things that I´d rather not repeat.”, Freddie said, voice quiet and flat, eyes hollow like two deep, dark ponds. 

“Fred…I´m so sorry…”, Brian whispered and pulled the singer closer to him, Freddie sinking against his chest, arms tight around the guitarist´s slim torso, his hold on Brian the only thing he seemed to be able to muster up the strength for. 

“I think she needs some time…She said she doesn´t want to see me, for a while…I know it´s selfish, horrible really…but it feels terrible knowing how much I´ve hurt her…knowing how angry she is with me, even though she has every right to…”, Freddie said quietly, breath warm and shaky against the sensitive skin on Brian´s neck. 

The guitarist´s hand rubbed soothing circles across his lover´s back, but while hearing Freddie´s shuddering breaths, feeling his tears wetly against his skin, he couldn´t feel any kind of relief or joy.   
In this moment, the singer´s pain over breaking his first love´s heart was his. Freddie had taken this step for him, had ended a relationship that still meant so very much to him. 

“Sorry…”, the Persian sniffled, quickly running a hand over his tearful eyes. 

Gently, Brian pressed a kiss to his temple, trying to put all of the comfort he could give into the gentle touch of his lips onto the Persian´s skin. 

“Freddie…I know she means a lot to you…I understand, baby.”, he said softly. 

“She´s the first woman I´ve ever loved…she´s the only woman I´ve ever loved…”, Freddie whispered and Brian held him tightly when he felt a sob wrecking the other man´s body, the singer no longer being able to hold back his tears. 

Brian simply held him in his arms, trying to give him some comfort, to soothe some of the pain the singer was feeling. The guitarist couldn´t help but feel guilty. Days ago, he had believed for his demands to be reasonable and right. But now, he felt like he had forced the singer to do something so heart-breaking and so hurtful, that he regretted ever demanding it.   
Maybe he had asked for too much. Maybe it had never been his place to do so. 

“You don´t have to stop loving her, Freddie. You don´t have to give her up for me…”, Brian whispered, his thumb stroking his lover´s tear-streaked cheek.

To his utter surprise, Freddie raised his head, looking up at Brian with such urgency in his dark eyes, such determination in the way he furrowed his brow and shook his head. 

“No Brimi, listen…she´ll always be in my heart, but…you´re the one that I need…the one that I want…”, his voice had grown much softer at the end of the sentence, a tender touch to it. 

Hearing those words was soothingly reassuring to Brian´s aching heart. It felt like sinking into a bathtub full of hot water after being out in the cold for hours, a weight lifted off his chest. 

Even hearing Freddie uttering those words, telling him that he needed him, wanted him in his life was almost surreal to Brian, who had doubted himself and his importance in the singer´s life ever since he had developed feelings for him. 

“Sorry, I´m not making much sense, I…”, Freddie murmured, an air of frustration and sadness to his voice.

“No…I think I get it…”, Brian replied, meeting the singer´s timid gaze, tenderly running the slightly rough pad of his thumb over Freddie´s high cheekbone. 

“You do?”, the singer asked, shyly biting his lip. 

“Yes…”, the guitarist replied with a soft smile and a small nod. 

“I love you, Brimi…I love you so much.”, Freddie whispered, his gaze never leaving Brian´s ,“I´m just…I´m scared…”

Brian couldn´t help but lower his head, a sudden surge of anxiety and doubt coming over him. He usually tried to hide these feelings from the people around him, embarrassed to let them know about his occasional issues that only seemed to be inside of his own head. 

Maybe he was too tired to do this right now, maybe he simply loved Freddie too much as to hide his struggles from him any longer. 

“I´m scared too...Maybe we can both be a little scared together…”, the curly haired man murmured and saw worry flashing over his lover´s unique features.   
“What are you scared of, Bri?”, Freddie asked gently.

The guitarist took a deep breath and suddenly, he felt very weak, leaning against his lover, his forehead resting against the singer´s neck, hidden from his view. God, being honest was fucking terrifying. 

“I´ve never felt like this…not for anyone…ever…That´s what´s scaring me…I don´t usually…feel…so deeply…so much, all at once…You know I just…my mind can´t even…fathom how much…”, Brian stammered, his voice a hoarse whisper. 

“Brian…sweetheart, listen…”, the Persian sighed softly, warm, gentle fingers tracing down Brian´s back. 

“You keep talking about how you fear you´re not good enough for me. What if it´s me…what if…”, Brian continued and felt the singer´s arms tighten around him.

“Brimi…no…don´t even think about that…”, there was pain inside the singer´s voice as if Brian´s doubt in himself was hurting him. 

“Freddie, it gets so dark inside of my mind sometimes…”, the guitarist said, feeling terrifyingly vulnerable at saying it out loud. He´d never even told a single soul about his struggles before, the way he would sometimes get so overwhelmed, so tired of everything, how he sometimes felt lesser, as if he didn´t deserve anything good that life was offering him. 

“I know, my darling…”, Freddie replied and Brian´s head shot up. 

“You know?”, he asked, lips shaking slightly. 

“Bri…I know that you burry yourself in your work and that you cut back on sleep and food to study…and sometimes you go so quiet and your eyes…there´s something inside of those beautiful hazel eyes, I can just see it…when you get so caught up in your own thoughts…it´s like a fog…and fuck, it breaks my heart to see you like that.”, Freddie said, his eyes full of an aching tenderness and Brian felt a sudden lump in his throat. 

“I´m sorry…I should be better at keeping it to myself, it´s not something that´s…”, he muttered, but the singer took his face in both of his slim hands and looked deeply into Brian´s eyes. 

“Brian, don´t ever hide it from me. It´s okay…it´s okay if you´re sad, it´s okay to need some time alone or to not be bubbly and happy all the time…You can tell me…You can tell me when it gets bad. I want you to feel like you can trust me.”, Freddie said and Brian allowed himself to sink against the singer again, to let himself be held. 

“It´s hard…”, he whispered, strands of Freddie´s still damp hair tickling his cheek.

“I know it is, my darling. But I don´t want you to have to pretend.”, the singer replied, kissing his cheek. 

For a while, Brian let himself be held, allowed himself to be weak, to be vulnerable and slowly, very slowly, the voices in his head that had been screaming at him to keep it all to himself were getting more and more quiet until they finally died down to a pleasant silence and the peaceful sound of Freddie´s breathing was the only thing he could hear.

“Bri…can you look at me, darling.”, Freddie asked him gently and Brian raised him head, “I want to be with you. I want to be your friend, your confidant, your lover, your partner…your boyfriend…”

“My boyfriend?”, Brian echoed, blinking at the singer in a confused manner.

“Yes…there´s nothing I´d love more…”, Freddie said, smiling softly at him. 

“But you said that…”, Brian stammered and the singer gave a soft sigh, defeatedly looking into Brian´s eyes. 

“Brimi, I can be a tremendous idiot…I can be a cruel, ungrateful wanker who hides from his feelings and lashes out rather than admitting that…that he´s scared of something…”, The singer said and Brian had a hard time believing his own ears. 

Not only had the singer admitted to his flaws, but also taken ownership of them, reflecting on themin a way that the guitarist had never thought possible just a few weeks ago.   
He gently brushed a lock of hair from Freddie´s forehead. 

“Freddie…I know it won´t be easy…I know it won´t all be fine and dandy…I know that we´ll face a lot of obstacles…That it won´t be easy to let people know…”, Brian said, his gaze fixed on his lover´s face, soon spotting a small frown. 

“Roggie and Deaks for a start…”, Freddie said quietly but not without a bitter smile. 

“You want to tell them first?”, the guitarist asked. 

“Yes of course I want to tell them!”, the singer said and even though the thought of said talk made Brian´s insides clench, he couldn´t help but smile fondly at the determination he could make out in the Persian´s voice.

“Do you think I´ll miss out on the chance of holding your hands at least when we´re around them.”, Freddie said, his smile growing a little more smug and Brian couldn´t help but chuckle. 

“Fred…Roger knows.”, he said quietly and the singer´s face fell. 

“I beg your pardon? You´re joking!”

Brian couldn´t help but fondly stroke his cheek with his thumb. The singer´s baffled look was simply adorable. 

“No…he came over the other day. Told me that he´s known for weeks and that he hopes that we´ll manage to sort things out.”, he explained and watched a somewhat worried look manifesting on the singer´s features. 

“So he was…okay with it?”, the Persian asked timidly and Brian nodded, smiling brightly at his lover. 

“Yeah…he seemed very much okay with it.”

Freddie gave a little sight of relief, but his expression of content was short-lived. Soon, his brows furrowed again and he was gnawing his lower lip in concentration. 

“How the fuck did he find out about it? We were careful!”, he murmured and Brian couldn´t help but laugh out loud. The singer furrowed his brows at him. 

“Fred, we weren´t careful. We were horribly obvious and behaved like two absolute idiots. We probably don´t have to tell Deaky about it, I reckon he´s figured it out by himself as well.”, he chuckled and Freddie blushed, one of those blushes that coloured his cheeks beautifully crimson, smiling almost shyly and giving a defeated little sigh. 

There wasn´t even a shadow of the bitterness that had inhabited his every word the last time they had seen each other and it made Brian´s heart feel light. 

“Well…they´re our best friends after all…Maybe that´s a good sign, them just being able to sense this kind of stuff.”, the singer admitted. 

“Probably…”, Brian replied, feeling his cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. 

Freddie´s hands reached for his, almost shyly taking a hold of them, linking their fingers, their gazes meeting, looking at each other, timidly, clumsily leaning in, still too nervous, too tense to believe that finally, after weeks of hoping, wishing and fearing, they had managed to be honest to one another. Freddie had finally managed to speak to Mary. Brian had finally managed to allow himself to open up to his lover. 

“We were very silly, weren´t we?”, Freddie murmured, looking up at Brian through dark lashes. 

“Yes…I think we were…”, the guitarist replied and pulled the other man closer, pressing a small, chaste kiss to the singer´s lips. 

“Brimi, I´m sorry…”, Freddie whispered into the kiss and Brian pulled back slightly.

“Don´t be, baby…”, he replied, his hazel eyes gentle and warm, his hands cupping Freddie´s cheeks. 

“I love you, darling. I love you so much…I wanted to say it time and time again in those last weeks after I´ve said it the first time. Because I meant it…I´ve been so stupid to tell you that I didn´t.”, the Persian said, urgency in his voice, his eyes gleaming with a sliver of guilt. 

“You can tell me as often as you like from now on, Fred. I love you too.”, Brian said softly, kissing the singer once again, chapped lips against his, timidly responding to his touch.   
Freddie pulled back a little and looked him in the eyes, one of his fingers tenderly tracing the contour of Brian´s jaw.

“Bri…are you alright?”, the Persian asked him, his dark eyes on Brian´s hazel ones. 

“Yes.”, Brian said without a hint of hesitation. It was true, it really was. He hadn´t been this happy in a long time. 

“Are you really? You know you can tell me…”, Freddie asked, but Brian gently kissed the space between his brows, the one where he could feel the singer´s frown under his lips. 

“Freddie…listen, yeah?”, he said, a gentle smile tugging at his lips. 

“I am very…”, he pressed a kiss to the singer´s left cheek, “very…”, he kissed the corner of Freddie´s mouth, “happy right now…”, the last kiss, he placed onto the Persian´s lips. 

“That´s good…”, Freddie replied, slightly flushed, a small giggle bubbling up from his lips, silly and happy and utterly beautiful. 

From then on, the night seemed to be a blur of content ease. There weren´t many more words needed, and a heavy but comfortable tiredness settled over them. 

For the both of them, it was easy to settle into the routines they had begun to build weeks ago. Brian made tea and Freddie chose a record for them to listen to.

There was no tension in the air, just the sound of the rain on the rooftops coming in through the open window, the slightly humid warmth from the summer´s night and the comfortable silence between them. 

“You know…tomorrow at band rehearsals I kind of want to show Rog and Deaks the song I´ve been working on…”, Freddie said, when they were laying in bed, his head resting on Brian´s chest, finger´s having slipped under the hem of the guitarist´s shirt, sprawled out over stomach. 

“Which one?”, Brian asked, waking up from the sleepy drowse that the monotonous sound of the finished record had put him in. For the first time in ages, he felt at ease. There was no rush to their time spent together, no urgency need to push for something. 

There was just them and the sound of the rain. 

“The one about you of course, silly!”, Freddie replied with a chuckle, turning around so his chin was now resting on Brian´s chest, his dark eyes looking up at the guitarist with a cheeky glint. 

“Oh, the one about me, I see…”, Brian said, smiling back at him. 

“Yeah, I´ve been pretty obvious with my hints!”, Freddie sighed and Brian couldn´t help but raise his brows at that. 

“You were not!”, he stated and the singer almost looked offended. 

“Yes I was! Been singing it around you all the bloody time!”

“Fred, you could have just told me when I was writing the bloody chords for it.”, Brian replied, but the original sharpness of his words was lost in the chuckle that escaped him soon after.

Freddie sighed, shy smile blooming on his lips. 

“Yeah…probably should have…”, he murmured quietly and leaned into the touch when Brian gently started to stroke his cheek with his thumb. 

“What are you going to call it?”, the guitarist asked him. 

“Funny how love is…Just like the first line. It´s what first came to my mind when we started seeing each other back in April.”, Freddie explained, cuddling back up to Brian, nosing at his neck and pressing a soft kiss to it. 

Brian gave a small hum and tipped his head back slightly to give Freddie more access to his skin, the curve of the singer´s lips against it telling him that his lover was smiling. 

“It really is funny…because I think I´ve always loved you…in some way.”, Freddie murmured and Brian turned his head slightly to the side, to look at the singer. 

“I think there was never even a single moment when I didn´t love you, Freddie Bulsara.”, Brian said, smiling softly. 

He could see a glint in the singer´s eyes, a sudden air of mischief manifesting as he quirked up his eyebrow. 

“Darling…what do you think about the name Mercury?”, Freddie asked him.

“As in…?”, a grin started to spread on the singer´s lips as he noticed Brian´s confusion. 

“As in Freddie Mercury, of course!”, the Persian declared with a small elegant flick of his wrist, which made the guitarist chuckle. 

It was one of those moments that made Brian realise, that there was nothing more precious and exciting to him, than walking along this path, wherever it might take them, with the singer. 

Because whether their path would take the them, would take Queen, towards fame, towards riches and success or towards a life like this, two struggling students, dreaming of making it, didn´t matter anymore. 

They had each other, they had their music and they believed in their dreams and this, this tiny piece of heaven they had, was all that Brian needed right now. 

Because what they could give each other, what they saw in each other, was what truly mattered. 

“I love you, Freddie Mercury.”, Brian said, smiling brightly, when he leaned in to kiss Freddie on the lips, the singer blushing with happiness. 

“I love you too, Brian May.”, Freddie murmured against his lips and kissed him back whole-heartedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one will just be something small, fluffy and slightly smutty, because I think our boys deserve some domestic happiness after all of this drama!  
> Thank you so much for reading!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my darlings,  
> here it is, the final chapter of what originally started as a small idea for a one-shot. Can you believe it? I am so happy to finally post the last chapter, the one that draws it all together and hopefully gives our boys the happy ending that they have deserved. Brian and Freddie have grown on me and this will surely not be the last Frian story I´ve posted on here. I´m already working on a new project and I´m very excited to share it with you guys soon. But for now, I wanted to say thank you to each and every one of you. Thank you to everyone who´s read my story, for all the kudos and all the lovely comments that always encouraged me to keep on writing. This story has helped me to cope with the world going crazy and if it provided some kind of escape from it all to you too, then I am even happier.  
> Anyways, enough rambling done for now! Let´s get on with the last chapter. Enjoy!

Brian was woken up by the sensation of a small, slightly moist nose nudging at his cheek along with the soft tickle of whiskers ghosting over his skin. He stirred, sighing softly, turning his face away from the touch. 

The tiny nose nudged against his earlobe, the whiskers now brushing up against the tips of his nose. 

“Meow…”, said a quiet little voice next to his ear and a small, rough tongue licked his temple. A purring noise, loud in the silence of the early morning, reached Brian´s sleepy mind. 

“Meow…”, said the tiny voice once again when the guitarist tried to turn onto his side, the bed making a pitiful creaking sound under him. He slid his arm around the slender body next to him, Freddie´s skin warm under his fingertips, Brian´s hand coming to rest on his side, the slim trail of soft, hairless skin he loved so dearly. 

Still clinging onto the vestiges of sleep, he dreamed of kissing the hairless patch of skin, gently tracing it with his lips, going upwards, caressing the shadows of the singer´s ribs until he reached his shoulder, making him giggle when he nosed at his armpit. It was the parts of his body that his boyfriend was most insecure about that Brian loved best. 

Brian heard the sound of delicate, swift paws on the sheets, a small weight suddenly resting on his shoulder, the purring getting louder again. 

“No, hush my little darlings, don´t wake him up…”, he heard Freddie´s voice, quiet and rough with sleep and the activities of the previous day and night, the naked body next to him escaping his tired embrace. 

Brian blinked against the pale morning light, watched the thin curtains waver in the air of the early July morning, already bearing the sweet smell of summer. It was going to be another beautiful and hot day in London.

“Shhh, it´s alright, my lovies …Daddy´s going to get you some breakfast…”

Tom and Jerry gave delighted chirps and mewls, their paws almost silent on the old wooden floorboards when they made their over to the small kitchen. Brian blinked slowly, yes half closed, pulling the sheets higher up to his nose.

There was the soft sound of the rustling of fabric and Brian imagined Freddie putting on his black kimono, hastily fastening the belt under his navel to go and feed the cats. 

Slowly, Brian blinked up at the high ceiling of the room, his eyes slowly getting accustomed to the morning light and the pale shadows lingering inside the corners of the room. It had barely been two weeks since they had moved into the flat, a single room with large windows and tattered wooden floors, a small kitchen with a stove that seemed to work only on a whim and an even smaller bathroom, leaky shower and no windows. 

Brian´s gaze, still heavy and slow with sleep, fondly travelled over the contents of the room they now called their home. Theirs, his and Freddie´s, a place just for them, however small and rundown it was.  
There was a rack with clothes, mostly Freddie´s, a wild mix of fabrics and patterns, one of his boyfriend´s ever-growing collections and ongoing projects. Since Freddie had adopted the name Mercury, his need for fashion and extravaganza, especially when they went on stage, had only increased.

Brian was in a state of constant awe of his boyfriend´s desire to go through change after change, outgrowing each version of himself when he went to sit on the piano, playing the first keys, singing the first few words of a new song. Freddie Mercury was an enigma and although Brian loved sharing him with their slowly but steadily growing number of fans, he was always glad to have Freddie back in his arms when the night ended and the singer stripped off his stage outfit and took off his make up. 

After all, he was Freddie again, kind and sweet, caring and gentle, vulnerable at times, when he dared to let his walls fall down. They had grown in the last year, grown as people, but also grown together, as a couple.

It hadn´t always been easy. 

The guitarist felt like the flat, their new home, had become a place where the both of them could truly be themselves. It had sometimes been a challenge, accepting that the nature of their relationship came with some necessary precautions. 

There was another bed over by the window. On a day to day basis, they mostly used it as a sofa, Brian slouching down on it to get some studying done when the kitchen table got too uncomfortable to sit at or Freddie using it as a space to lay out fabrics he was thinking about working with for new projects. 

Still, they always had to be prepared to make it seem like it was Brian´s actual bed, just two blokes sharing a flat, sleeping in two separate beds of course, paying close attention to what their neighbours were able to hear through the thin walls and what they told some of the people that weren´t their closest friends. 

After all, their relationship had to stay a well-kept secret, even though inside of the four walls of their small flat, Brian felt like he had never been more free and happy in his life.  
The guitarist drifted off into a slight slumber again, his limbs pleasantly heavy, his thoughts carelessly wandering. 

“There you go, my little darlings…”, he heard Freddie cooing, the distant rattle of the spoon inside the tin of cat food washing over from the kitchen. He was sure that Freddie was feeding Tom and Jerry their breakfast with a spoon again, instead of putting the cat food they had bought with their last pennies into the small ceramic bowls by the large window. 

Brian was almost a little sad that he couldn´t see it, his boyfriend crouching down to feed the cats, big spoon digging into the can, watching his feline children, as he liked to call them, make a mess of the cat food, most of it landing on the kitchen floor instead of inside their tiny mouths. 

It was what all three of them liked best though. There was such joy in Freddie´s kind brown eyes, when he watched Tom and Jerry play with their food or engage in other mischief that had ruined their carpet by the door and had caused a fiasco with Freddie´s water colours. 

The singer had found Tom and Jerry, as he had instantly decided their names to be, on the second day of them living in the new flat. Brian knew that he should at least feel a little guilty for giving in so quickly when his boyfriend had made puppy dog eyes at him. “Can we keep them, Brimi? Please darling, pretty please…Look at them, they´re all hungry and alone!”

How could Brian have said no? Although he had previously never considered himself to be a cat-person, he liked how cosy the two cats made the flat feel, lounging on their bed, sleeping on the windowsill, cuddling up to them at night and purring loudly into Brian´s ear, as if they were eager to win his heart over as well. 

“My poor little angels, you are famished…”, Brian heard Freddie sigh and smiled, snuggling deeper into the pillows, turning onto his back again. His mind slipped back into the comfortable numbness of sleep. 

When he woke up once again, there was the soft sound of Freddie quietly shutting the kitchen door, leaving the cats to their breakfast and allowing them some more rest. The wooden floorboards creaked under his naked feet, the mattress suddenly dipped slightly under Freddie´s weight. 

The swift whisper of cold morning air caressed Brian´s naked skin, when his boyfriend carefully lifted the large sheet they had used as a blanket for the warm night, to scrawl back under it. 

“Hmmm…”, Brian sighed, when the cool, silky material of Freddie´s kimono touched his chest and the singer slipped back into his arms as if he hadn´t been gone at all. 

Full but slightly rough lips pressed a small kiss to his mouth and Brian blinked sleepily at his boyfriend. He sighed quietly, a tired smile tugging at his lips. 

“Did we wake you up, darling?”, Freddie whispered. “Sorry…come on, get some more sleep…”

“Okay…”, Brian replied, pliantly tugging his head under Freddie´s chin, nosing at his neck, feeling the singer press a gentle kiss to the crown of his head. 

Time seemed to slow down, the warm glow of the rising sun a dull shimmer of orange and yellow behind his closed eyelids. 

He relished in the sweet state between waking and sleeping, enjoying the feeling of Freddie´s warm hands running up and down his back, blunt nails gently tracing down his spine.  
A pleasant shudder ran over him and he snuggled up closer to Freddie, one of the Persian´s knees instinctively nudging between his legs and up against his groin.

He had already been half-hard when waking up, a classic case of morning wood, but Freddie´s gentle touch seemed to stir his body awake before his mind could catch up with it. 

“Oh…had a nice dream, honey?”, Freddie murmured against his forehead, when he felt his boyfriend´s reaction. 

A sleepy smile on his lips, Brian raised his head, looking up at Freddie, their faces so close that the tip of Brian´s long, slim nose touched the singer´s cheek. 

“No…”, he replied, his voice a rough rumble, croaky with slumber. 

“No?”, the Persian asked with a chuckle, pulling back a little so he could get a better look at Brian, thumb softly caressing his cheek. 

“Just woke up to a very lovely bloke sleeping next to me, is all…”, Brian replied, loving the feeling of Freddie´s fingers against his cheek, gently scratching the dark stubble that had formed on it in the past three days that had passed since his last shave. 

“Did you really, sweetheart?”, Freddie said, a soft little twinkle in his dark eyes, the rim of them still slightly smudged with the kohl pencil the singer had applied thickly for the gig they had played last night. 

“Yeah…”, Brian said softly, kissing the soft patch of skin right under Freddie´s eye and just above his cheekbone. He knew that Freddie had a faint scar right on that spot, a delicate reminder of his childhood adventures back in Zanzibar and although Freddie was slightly insecure about it, covering it up with make up when they went on stage, Brian loved how it looked in the sunlight, a thin, shimmering line, beautifully imperfect and still so perfect to him.

Their gazes met, a shy and vulnerably happy smile on his boyfriend´s lips, which Brian reciprocated. 

Gently brushing the hair away from his singer neck, he felt Freddie turning in his arms, his back now resting against Brian´s chest, allowing the guitarist to cover his neck in warm, sleepy kisses. 

The firm swell of the singer´s bottom pressed up against Brian´s groin, the feeling of the silky material of Freddie´s kimono against his stirring erection being exquisitely stimulating. 

The singer turned his head around slightly, capturing Brian´s lips in a slow, sweet kiss. 

Brian bunched up the silky material of the kimono, pushing it up and out of the way, his erection now pressing against the bare skin of the singer´s bottom.

No words were needed between them right now. It was a dance they had danced a hundred times in the past year, a familiar need to feel the other one as close as possible.  
He felt the singer wiggling up against him, a skilled little twitch of his hips, creating delicious friction. 

Brian sighed, closing his eyes once again, grinding up against warm skin. 

They had slept with each other mere hours ago when they had come home in the early hours of the morning right after their gig, all sweaty stage clothes and smudged make-up. Freddie had kissed him breathless the moment they had closed the door and then Brian had pinned him to the bed, fucking out their post-gig adrenalin, their moans and pants loud enough to almost drown out the record they had hastily put on before tumbling into bed. 

It had been passionate, hard and fast, just like his boyfriend liked it best. Freddie loved the thrill of giving up all control to Brian, of giving himself to his boyfriend in such a way, that left him utterly spent after round three of four, being just what the singer had craved. And Brian had loved giving it to him. 

Afterwards, they had showered together, even though their shower really wasn´t much more spacious than the one they had had at their separate flats before. Their entirely unpractical but very lovely ritual had sent Brian right to sleep when they had finally gone to bed, feeling pleasantly spent, holding Freddie tightly in his arms. 

Brian knew that his past-self would have been embarrassed at craving sex again, at being so greedy and unable to control his urges. But if there was one thing that Freddie had taught him in the past year, then it was that there was absolutely nothing wrong with indulging in things, letting go of every prejudice and silly rule that had been hammered into him from early on. 

Sex was something beautiful, something that made him feel alive, happy and even closer to Freddie. He wasn´t ashamed of enjoying it anymore. 

Gently, Brian placed his hand onto the singer´s hip and Freddie pressed against him even closer, opening up his legs, pulling one of them up just so.

Brian´s prick nudged at the singer´s entrance, rubbing between his cheeks, teasing, making Freddie arch his back. 

“Brimi…please…”, Freddie whispered, face half hidden behind his long, black hair. It had grown significantly in the last year, now reaching down to his shoulders, giving him an exquisite air of androgynous beauty. 

Brian lined himself up behind his boyfriend, his movements still clumsy with sleep when he spat into his hand, reaching down between his legs to coat his cock with his slippery spit.  
When he pushed in slowly, a tight, but slightly slick heat welcomed him back.

“Ahhh…”, Freddie groaned, a hint of strain in his voice, a shiver running down his back. 

Brian stilled his movements immediately. 

“You alright, baby? Do you want me to use some Vaseline?”, he asked, a line of worry forming between his brows. 

Freddie turned his head to the side again and Brian was relived to see that smile the singer gave him was relaxed and soft, no sign of discomfort on his features.  
“No…I´m still lose from last night…”, Freddie whispered against his lips. 

The Persian gave a soft, huffing laugh when he felt Brian shive upon hearing his words. 

“You like the sound of that, Brimi?”, Freddie asked, starting to move his hips, “I´m still lose from you fucking me so good last night, darling.”

Brian groaned low in his throat, holding on tightly to his boyfriend´s slim hip when he started moving as well, his hips setting a slow, gently rhythm that had Freddie sighing in pleasure. 

They shared sweet, drawn-out kisses while rocking up against each other, their movements slow and lazy, but the connection between them all the while more intimate. 

Brian´s hand travelled up from Freddie´s hip, slipping under the silky material of the kimono that the Persian was still wearing. His thumb found the singer´s nipple, gently rubbing over the little nub until it became hard and sensitive under his touch and Freddie´s moans started to get a little more breathless. 

Brian´s pinched the little nub and Freddie jerked, sharply pulling in air through his teeth, eyes fluttering closed. The guitarist pulled away his fingers, gripping onto his boyfriend´s hip again, rocking up against the other man´s slim body with a little more force. 

Freddie reached behind him, gripping onto Brian´s veiny forearm, holding onto him while turned his head to the side once again, clumsily catching the guitarist´s lips in another kiss. 

“Bri…”, the Persian panted against his mouth, “I want to be able to see your face. Can you get on your back for me…please?...”

Slightly out of breath, Brian felt a smile tugging at his lips, as he pressed another small kiss to his boyfriend´s lips. 

“Course I can, sweetheart. Hang on…”

They untangled themselves from each other, Brian carefully pulling out from the tight heat of the Persian´s body, making him hiss softly at the sudden loss. He laid down on his back, the singer straddling him, elegantly shrugging off his kimono. 

There was something ethereal to the singer, his bronze skin gleaming with a thin sheen of sweat in the morning light, the rising sun painting a golden halo around his head of messy hair. 

Freddie smiled down at him, fiercely, confidently, hands sprawled out on Brian´s bony chest. His boyfriend never gave him no reason to do so, but even after a year of being together, there were moments when Brian felt self-conscious, when his limbs felt too long, too gangly, when he felt scrawny and pale and he thought about the other men, the men that Freddie had been with before. 

God, he probably looked horrendous and his hair was most likely a nest of tangles and unruly curls.

Of course, Freddie had sensed the shift in Brian´s mood, the slight crease in his brow, the sudden thinness of his lips. 

The singer leaned down, pressing a tender kiss to Brian´s lips. 

“Beautiful…”, he whispered and Brian felt himself blushing. “You´re so beautiful in the mornings…”

With any other person, the words could have been meaningless, shallow even. But coming from his boyfriend, they meant the world to him. 

Brian knew that his wild, unruly hair was a complete mess of curls that spread out on the pillow under his head like a hallow. But whenever doubts started to cloud his mind, his boyfriend was able to make him feel beautiful, to make him feel worthy of love with such simple words. 

They shared a loving gaze and another sweet kiss before Freddie lined himself up on Brian´s lap and then slowly, carefully sank down onto his prick again, releasing a shuddering moan when he was fully seated. 

Brian fought the urge to close his eyes in pure bliss and instead let his hand wander down to Freddie´s own, neglected erection. He knew that his boyfriend usually needed a second or two to adjust to the different angle, his breathing hitching when Brian started thumbing at the tip of his prick, smearing precum over the sensitive slit. 

It was only moments later that the singer started moving on top of him, his hips jerking upwards just so to meet Brian´s touch. Their movements were slow, a rhythmic up and down, not rush to them. After all, they both still were a little hungover and tired from the night before. 

Freddie leaned down and Brian shifted up a little more, his back now resting against the headboard of the bed, the frame giving another loud creek, which had both of them snickering. 

When Freddie leaned down to kiss Brian, the guitarist´s long nose bumped against his boyfriend´s clumsily and with the mood already slightly ruined, they both started to erupt into a fit of giggles. 

“Gosh, silly nose…it´s way too long…”, Brian murmured, rubbing his hand up against his nose, feeling a blush creeping up his neck. 

“Don´t say anything mean about that beautiful nose, dear! It is a very lovely nose!”, Freddie pressed a kiss to the tip of it, which made Brian chuckle and blush even more. “Besides…I love the man who´s attached to it, so shush now!”

Freddie smiled down at him, front teeth peeking out, gap in his teeth showing, vulnerably soft and gentle in Brian´s arm and the guitarist felt a wave of warmth and love wash over him. 

“I love you, Fred….”, he said quietly, taking one of the singer´s slender hands in his and pressing a tender kiss to the soft inside of his wrist. 

Freddie´s smile became a little wonky and Brian knew that his boyfriend was holding back his overflowing emotions, deeply touched by the simple gesture. 

“I love you too, Brian.”, Freddie replied, voice sounding slightly chocked as he started moving again, rolling his hips, making the guitarist gasp with pleasure. 

They stayed close, sharing each other´s breath more than kissing properly, Brian´s hands back onto the singer´s hips as he started to move in synch with him, pushing up slightly each time Freddie came down. 

Brian´s lips found Freddie´s neck, mouthing at the sweat-dampened skin, admiring the hickeys he had left on it the night before. To say that they had gotten a little carried away last night was an understatement. 

Brian remembered sucking so hard on his boyfriends adam´s apple that the skin looked almost bruised while he set a punishing rhythm with his hips, remembered Freddie taking Brian´s hand and guiding it up to his neck, signalling him to give just the tiniest squeeze, to choke just lightly, something so new and exciting that the singer had come only minutes after, gasping for air. 

The thought of it made Brian´s hips stutter. Last night´s bravery had not yet vanished from him completely and he licked a thick, hot stripe up the line of hickey´s, setting his sights on the one that was most heavily bruised, sucking on it once again. 

Freddie gasped loudly, breath hitching, back arching and when Brian sucked once again, only to graze his teeth over the sensitive spot seconds after, the singer started shaking, panting for air and moaning like he was in pain. 

“Did I hurt you, baby?”, Brian asked, hand reaching for Freddie´s cheek, but the singer twisted away from it with an impatient whine, hips twitching, searching for friction, for stimulation, while Brian could feel him leaking precum onto his hand. 

“Fred, use your words.”, Brian´s hands were back on the singer´s hips, holding him in place. 

“No…no, I´m just…really close…”, Freddie panted, a small chuckle lingering in his voice. 

The guitarist kissed a flushed spot right under his jaw, a smile tugging at his lips.  
“You liked that little bite, didn´t you?”, Brian asked and Freddie gave a small, shaky nod.

“Yeah…fuck…”

Brian´s finger´s reached up to the Persian´s neck, sprawled out over the bruises and hickeys he had left there the night before, fingers mapping out the shades of purple and red.  
“God, look at your neck…it´s littered in hickeys…”, he whispered and felt his boyfriend shiver once again. 

“Yes…”, Freddie sighed.

“You don´t mind ?“, Brian asked, a soft but slightly teasing edge to his voice. 

He watched his boyfriend blush even more. He knew that there was a side to Freddie, that liked being called out on these kinks, a vulnerable, precious side that was only reserved for Brian. 

„I love it…”, the Persian murmured, eyes dazed with lust, “I want people to know that I´m yours…”

A small chuckle left Brian´s mouth, finger still caressing Freddie´s neck. It was one of their games and even though Brian knew that was a risky one, he loved it just as much as his boyfriend. 

“Oh, they´ll know. I´ll make sure of that, Fred.”, he groaned against his boyfriend´s lips and then pushed up into his tight heat once again, making the singer wail with pleasure.  
Freddie met each of his movements with a growing urgency, moaning loudly whenever Brian brushed up against his sweet spot. 

“Quiet baby, there´s no record playing…”, Brian whispered, chuckling, watching his boyfriend giggle as well, always a little embarrassed of how loud he could get when he was enjoying himself. 

“Sorry…”, he murmured and Brian kissed him sweetly, hips thrusting up, Freddie biting his lips to keep himself quiet. 

When Freddie started moving his hips with a little more force, now eagerly bouncing up and down Brian´s cock, thighs strained, the bed started creaking again. 

“They´ll probably be able to hear the bed first…”, Brian panted, feeling a familiar tightness in his loins, gripping onto his boyfriend´s hips once more.

“Yeah probably…”, Freddie replied but there was no sign of him changing the rhythm of his movements.  
“I won´t go slower, darling…I´m almost there.”, the Persian groaned, a determined glint in his dark eyes. 

“Don´t even think about going slower, baby…”, Brian replied, as his hand closed around his boyfriend´s length, jerking him off in time with his movements. 

The sound of their love-making grew into a crescendo of their moans and pants, the creaking of the bedframe and the slapping of skin on skin. 

Freddie came with a strained, high-pitched moan, head thrown back, making a mess of Brian´s hand and parts of his stomach and chest. His movements sped up a little, leaning forward, Brian´s own orgasm beautifully intimate, as the singer gazed into his eyes and he spilled deep inside of him. 

Gasping for breath, Brian pulled Freddie down onto his chest and the singer slumped against him, letting Brian gather him up in his arms, the both of them holding onto each other as they caught their breaths. 

“Love you, darling…”, Freddie murmured into his boyfriend´s ear, speech slightly slurred and slow. 

“Love you too, Fred.”, Brian replied with a small smile, pressing a quick kiss to the singer´s sweaty forehead. 

For a few minutes, they were quiet, the morning sun shining down on their bed, Brian´s limbs pleasantly heavy, his eyes closed as he listened to the sound of his boyfriend´s breathing slowing down.  
The singer got up slowly, reaching over to the bedside table, where there was a carafe of water and two glasses, but the singer simply took a few quick gulps straight from it, before handing it over to Brian, who sat up a little and greedily drank some of the refreshing liquid as well. 

Freddie slumped down next to him, stealing the carafe from Brian´s finger to take a few more sips and handing it back to him. Brian put it down on the floor and watched the singer snuggle up to him again, head resting on Brian´s chest. 

The bed made another pitiful creaking noise when Freddie moved.

“Do you think we could ask Deaky to fix it?”, Brian asked, “The bed, I mean…”

He felt his boyfriend´s chest moving when the singer chuckled softly. Freddie pushed up on his elbows, one eyebrow quirked up when he looked at Brian. 

“Yeah sure. We´ll just go, hey Deaks, you know, when me and Brian are shagging, the bed makes these really annoying noises, so we were wondering if you´d be able to have another look at it before we get busted by the neighbours for indecent behaviour.”

Brian gave a little snort of laughter and rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. 

“Not like that, silly...”, he murmured, “Besides, with the amount of snogging that Deaky and Veronica have been doing, I bet they´re shagging non-stop. I´m sure that John would understand how annoying a bed that makes all these noises at just the slightest move can be.”, Brian explained and got an approving nod from his boyfriend. 

“God, they grow up so fast. I remember when we took him in just two years ago and he wasn´t even able to talk to any girl without going as red as a tomato.”, Freddie mused and Brian laughed heartily. 

“He still goes bright red like that, I think it´s just that Veronica finds it adorable.”, he added and they both grinned at each other. 

There was a pitiful little meow from the kitchen and Freddie was up from the bed as if he had heard his very own child crying for help. 

“My poor darlings, daddy´s locked you in, hasn´t he.”, his boyfriend cooed and Brian could help but laugh. 

“At least put something on, Fred, we don´t have curtains in the kitchen!”, he said and watched Freddie turn around again, Brian throwing his kimono over to him. 

“You´re right, darling, I don´t want to flash our children!”, he said, catching the kimono, hastily pulling it over his shoulders and wrapping it around himself. 

“Gosh, you really are completely bonkers, Freddie.”, Brian moaned with a chuckle, while getting up from the bed. 

“I´ll make breakfast while you´re in the bathroom, yeah love?”, he heard Freddie calling over from the kitchen. 

“Love you, babes.”, Brian replied, grabbing his towel from its place over the drying rag by the window. 

“Love you too!”, he heard Freddie saying and then, a little more quietly, to the cats, “And you two love Brimi as well, don´t you my precious little angels? Let´s get going with breakfast, shall we?”

“Viola´ my darling, breakfast is served. Here´s your tea.”, Freddie said, when Brian came back from the bathroom a few minutes later. The singer handed him a steaming mug of tea with just the right amount of milk and Brian couldn´t help but feel slightly spoiled upon seeing that his boyfriend had laid the breakfast table quiet lovingly, although they didn´t have much in, as always. 

“Thank you, baby.”, he pressed a quick kiss to Freddie´s temple and sat down at the table. Freddie hurriedly disappeared into the bathroom as well. 

When the Persian returned, Brian had been already started nibbling on some toast and made one for Freddie as well. It was rare that the singer was this hungry in the morning, but Brian reckon that Freddie tucking into the slice of toast he had put butter and jam on, so willingly, had to do with the fact that Brian had made it for him. 

It was mornings like these which Brian loved best, the bliss of living together as a couple still new and exciting to both of them, even thought Brian doubted that there would ever come a day when he wouldn´t cherish mornings with his boyfriend. 

The cats settled on the windowsill next to the kitchen table and Brian couldn´t help but smile when he saw Tom rubbing his small fury head against Freddie´s shoulder until his boyfriend would give in and start giving him some head-scratches. 

Jerry started playing with a small green leaf, that was left on the windowsill and Brian´s gaze shifted over to the bouquet of flowers that had once stood by the window and that they had to put on top of the cupboards to keep the cats from ruining it. 

They were tulips, lush and bright yellow and when they had arrived at their doorstep the day before with the post, Freddie had been delighted, even though they hadn´t really known how to feel about the small, handwritten note, that had been attached to them. 

From Mary, it had read and Freddie had gone a little quiet for the rest of the day, looking at the flowers as if there was much more to them than their superficial beauty, lost in his thoughts.  
There was the same expression on his face right now, last piece of toast between his finger, gazing out of the window, something inside of his eyes that was almost melancholic. 

“Penny for your thoughts.”, Brian said softly, hand reaching over the kitchen table to hold onto his boyfriend´s unoccupied hand next to his mug of tea, giving it a reassuring little squeeze. 

Freddie blinked at him, slightly startled, his smile adorably surprised. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking…”, he said quietly, fingers curling against Brian´s, “Do you reckon tonight will be alright?”

Brian saw worry flash inside the singer´s eyes. Tonight, they would all gather at Roger´s new flat to celebrate his birthday. The drummer had assured him that there wouldn´t be too many people coming around, but Brian was quite sure the opposite would be the case in the end and it would be one of Roger´s legendary parties that would go down in history. 

Of course, Roger had asked them before inviting Mary to it and at first, the both of them hadn´t seen a problem with it. After all, she was friends with all of them. 

After about six months of Freddie keeping his distance from her, the singer had reached out to her again and the two had met each other for coffee a few times, Freddie coming back each time in much higher spirits, glad and relieved about the fact that they seamed to be able to slowly work through the hurt and the conflict, being on friendly terms again. 

Brian had never been jealous of it. He knew that Mary was a part of his boyfriend´s life and that Freddie was much happier when she was around. He had come to understand that she would always have a place in his heart, that even though they weren´t lovers anymore, they still cherished their emotional connection. 

“Because Mary will be there?”, he continued to ask and Freddie gave a small nod. 

“Yeah…”, the singer gave Brian´s hand a final squeeze before grabbing his mug and taking a sip of tea. 

“Fred…you guys have already seen each other a few times, you said you´ve been able to talk. There´s nothing to be worried about really…”, Brian said, trying to calm his boyfriend´s nerves, but when he looked into Freddie´s dark eyes, he saw that there was something else to it. 

“It´s not like I´m scared of her or anything…”, the singer murmured, lowering his gaze to the small piece of toast left on his plate, “It´s just…I don´t want to hurt her any further by…”

He cleared his throat, swallowing thickly and then, when he had realised how his words must have sounded to Brian, he quickly looked up again. 

Brian felt a small sting upon hearing Freddie´s words, even though he knew that the Persian hadn´t spoken them with the intent of hurting him. He was right. Tonight, at Roger´s birthday party would be the first time that they would see each other again, Mary, Freddie and Brian, all three of them together. It would be the first time that Mary would see them as a couple. 

Freddie seemed to have noticed Brian´s sudden quietness. The singer seemed to realise the true meaning of his words and an expression of overwhelming guilt started to show on his features.  
“I´m sorry…Sorry, Brimi, that was a really stupid thing to say, I didn´t mean it like that I…”, Freddie stammered, a bashful look on his features. 

“It´s okay Fred…I understand…”, Brian said and there was no edge to his voice, “It´s not easy…for you…and for her…”

Freddie gave him a shaky smile, lips slightly opened as if there was something else he wanted to say, another conflict showing inside his dark eyes.

“Thank you, darling…God, you´re such a sweetheart, I don´t even deserve…”, his boyfriend stammered, but the guitarist would have none of it. 

“Babe…”, Brian said with a gentle smile, “Eat your toast and drink your tea, won´t you?”

Freddie looked at him for a second, an expression of surprised questioning on his features, before a bashful smile started to appear on his lips and he picked up the last piece of toast from him plate.  
Brian took another sip of tea, looking over to the windowsill, where one of the cats was lounging in the morning sun, sleeping peacefully. 

“We´ve still got to find something for Rog in town. Something that doesn´t cost next week´s dinner preferably.”, Brian said with a chuckle and saw a cheeky glint manifesting in his boyfriend´s eyes. 

“Oh don´t worry, lovey, I´ve already secured us as lovely deal down at Kensington market.”, he said, already on his last sip of tea. 

“Please tell me it´s not another piece of Edwardian clothing?”

Brian was feeling a sensation of amused excitedness about knowing what kind wonderous piece of clothing or other object Freddie had in mind to give to their drummer for his 22nd birthday.

“You two are beautiful.”

Her voice slightly startled Brian and the soapy plate he had just been washing up in the kitchen sink nearly slipped from his fingers. 

The noise from the laughter and chatter of the party guest´s nearly had drowned out her voice and when Brian looked up at her, Mary smiled at him apologetically, noticing how unexpected her sudden appearance and words must have been to Brian.

“Sorry Bri, didn´t mean to startle you…”, she said softly and Brian gained back his composure, a shy smile on his lips. 

“That´s okay, I´m quite easily startled.”, he said, mostly just to win himself some time. 

They hadn´t talked much since Freddie and him had arrived, fashionably late, as always. And as always, there had been the grand gesture and general hubbub of Freddie and Roger greeting each other and them wishing their drummer a happy birthday. 

Roger seemed in high-spirits, even though him and his girlfriend Eileen had broken up just a week prior, but the fact that last night´s gig, the first one inside a slightly bigger venue, had been successful and that all of his friends were around, seemed to have soothed the pain of the heartache quite quickly. 

As the night had went on, Brian had watched Freddie chatting to Mary several times, heads close to each other, smiles on their faces and the guitarist had been glad that things between them seemed to be easier now. 

Still, Brian couldn´t deny the fact that he had avoided her for most of the night, dreading an awkward moment of silence between them, when a feeling of guilt, which he still harboured, even after a year, would creep up on him and he would make an utter fool of himself. Or worse even, upset her by saying something stupid. 

Now, she almost seemed content as she stood next to him by the kitchen sink, long blond hair curling down onto her shoulders in ringlets, lovely blue party dress on and a drink in hand. She looked stylish, confident and first and foremost, happy. 

They heard two people laughing loudly and when both of them looked over at the small part of the living room that was visible through the doorframe, they saw Roger and Freddie, drinking their sixth or seventh shot of vodka of the night, faces flushed and eyes sparkling with laughter. 

Brian couldn´t help but smile, a feeling of warmth spreading in his stomach. Seeing his boyfriend this happy never failed to make him feel good in return. Freddie´s happiness really had become his. 

“The way you look at him…”, Mary said and it was only now that Brian realised what she was talking about. 

His gaze returned to her and he gave her a shy smile, not really knowing how to react to her kind words. 

“And the way he looks at you. He really trusts you, he feels safe with you. I can tell…”, she continue with a gentle smile ,“You´re a lovely couple.”

“T-thank you…”, Brian managed to stammer, putting down the dishrag, wiping his soapy hands on his jeans to win himself some time to think of something to say. 

In the end, he decided to simply go with the truth. There were so many things he needed to get off his chest, so many things he wanted to tell her. 

“Mary, listen…it´s been a year and we´ve never had a chance to talk properly and then you´ve sent us these lovely flowers and…”, he said, stumbling over his words and she gave him a sweet smile upon hearing them, blue eyes sparkling. 

“Freddie´s already told me that they´ve got a special place right up on the kitchen cupboard so the cats won´t eat them.”, she said with a small giggle and Brian nodded, his smile a little nervous. 

“Yeah…They really are stunning, thank you so much.”

Mary nodded and her smile grew a little wider, contently holding Brian´s nervous gaze. 

“Well, every proper household needs some nice flowers on the kitchen table…or on top of the kitchen cupboards, if you will.”

“Thank you…I really mean it.”, Brian said, “A-also…I´m sorry…for…”, he added quickly, but she simply laid her laid to the side. 

“Brian, don´t be sorry. I can see how happy you guys are. You´ve built this little life for yourself, a life that Freddie´s always wanted and that I could never give to him. You´ve got Queen and things are going great for the band. Why would you be sorry for all of that?”, she asked and there was no edge to her voice, no sign of her words not being genuine. 

“I just want you to know that…I didn´t plan on this to happen. I didn´t…intend on taking him away from you…when…when it first happened.”, Brian finally managed to get out. He had been meaning to tell her this for months, sometimes pondering on it late at night, when Freddie slept peacefully in his arms and his insomnia wouldn´t let him get any rest. 

“I know, Bri. I know you didn´t. You two just fell in love with each other. These things happen…”, she said and even though there was a hint of the faint ghost of pain inside of her blue eyes, she kept on smiling. 

“Still, I´m sorry, I just feel horrible for…”, the guitarist stammered, but she simply shook her head, placing a hand onto his forearm and giving it a small comforting squeeze. 

“Shh, no more of that nonsense, Bri. It´s okay, yeah?”, she said softly, almost as if he was the one who needed some comforting words and an apology. Her kindness was touching to him and even though he would probably never lose the subtle feeling of guilt lingering around the issue, it was comforting to know that she seemed much happier now. 

“How are you, Mary? I mean…honestly…”, he asked, voice slightly lowered, holding her gaze. 

“I´m good. Well, of course I wasn´t in the beginning. I was angry and I was hurt. I felt betrayed…but…I guess I just…learned to live with it, to accept it. There´s no use in holding onto these feelings, in pretending any longer. Freddie´s happy now, I can see that. And I am much happier too. I´m going out with friends, I like my job…and I started seeing someone again. Things are going great actually.”, she said, a subtle blush creeping up her cheeks, her smile genuinely pleased. 

“I´m so happy for you, love. I really am, that´s…that´s great news.”, Brian was quick to say, heir gazes meeting. There was no sign of sadness or reproach in her eyes. 

“Thank you, Bri. I really appreciate it.”, she said softly and Brian felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. 

He had been meaning to say something, when a loud shriek of laughter from the living room stopped him in his tracks and the volume of the record that had been playing increased significantly, the upbeat song sounding very familiar to Brian. It was one of Freddie´s favourites after all. 

“What you want  
Baby, I got it  
What you need  
Do you know I got it?”

Freddie sang the words by heart, of course he did, and something about the way he sang them told Brian that his boyfriend was not only quite drunk, but also in the mood for a show. 

“All I'm askin'  
Is for a little respect when you get home…”

“Oh God…he´s in charge of the record player.”, Brian sighed, a grin tugging at his lips. 

“Guess we should prepare for a grand performance, shouldn´t we?”, Mary said, smiling as well. They both knew what was to come and the shared experience seemed oddly comforting to Brian. 

“The grandest of them all.”, the guitarist said with a chuckle. “Come on, let´s see what he´s up to.”

Freddie was using an empty bottle of beer as a microphone, around him most of the party´s guest´s, crammed into Roger´s small living room. The small, wonky couch had become the singer´s stage and when he spotted Brian and Mary from his slightly elevated position, he shrieked with pure joy. 

“Hey baby…just a little bit…when you get home…,  
Just a little bit…mister…just a little bit…”, Freddie sang, people whooping and clapping along, not even noticing how the singer was waggling his eyebrows at Brian, who blushed heavily, chuckling at his boyfriend´s mischief. 

Roger offered him another beer and when Brian took it, they clinked bottles, Deaky joining in, an arm around Veronica´s shoulders. 

Roger´s bottle overflowed with foam, making a mess on the already quite rundown carpet, but none of them cared. Singing along to Freddie performing his heart out to his most loved song had to be one of his favourite activities in the whole world, Brian decided. 

Hiis gaze travelled over his friends, John and Veronica laughing and singing, arms around each other, Roger to his left, laughing so hard that his eyes were watering, Mary, giving him a quiet, but reassuring smile and of course, Freddie. 

Freddie Bulsara, Freddie Mercury, just Freddie, his best friend, his lover, his favourite person, the man he loved and he trusted. 

And at this moment, Brian decided that what was to come, the years to follow, the life they would lead together, would be full of happiness, laughter, love but also pain, maybe even failure and getting up time and time again. 

They had each other and whatever life would throw at them, they would make it.  
Brian just knew, deep down at the bottom of his heart, that this would be a good life.

He was happy, very happy even. Maybe he would even be as bold as to say that he had never been a happier man in his whole entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave kudos and/or a comment if you liked it!  
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
